The air outside is warm and just as stifling as it was inside the hotel room. I begin the long walk back to my hotel—alone. I could call a car to pick me up, but I don’t. I prefer to be alone.
I make it a few steps before I look up and see Killian standing on the sidewalk, waiting for me. Damn it!
The elevators must be faster than climbing down five flights of stairs in heels. I can’t walk around him. I can’t avoid him. So, I just walk to him.
“What just happened?” he asks.
“Nothing. Just we’re done. I don’t want to be friends. I definitely don’t want to marry you. And I don’t want your help. I just want to go back to being nothing.”
I begin walking again, and he falls in step next to me. He doesn’t say a word for an entire block. He doesn’t touch me either even though my body is begging for him to.
“I’m sorry,” he finally says. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth.”
I glare at him. “What is the truth?”
“The story I just told you is the truth. I was giving a presentation to a class at Yale. I knew Eli a little bit from my past, not enough to really have lunch with him, but then the opportunity came up, and I took it. I knew from your father that you were dating him. I just wanted to learn more about you, to see if you were happy with Eli. If you were, I wouldn’t approach you. I wouldn’t say anything to Eli about your father’s arrangement with me. But if you weren’t happy…well, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.
“When you came into that restaurant that day, you looked sad, withdrawn. Even when you kissed him, it wasn’t a kiss of passion. I couldn’t let you waste the only few years of freedom you had left on that douche bag. So, I told him the truth. Well, I told him that you and I were already engaged, and no matter what he did, you would never marry him.”
“He broke up with me that night because of you.” My face is fuming bright red.
“I only did it to help you find someone who would make you happy. I thought, if you were away from him, you would find someone else.”
“But I didn’t. I didn’t find someone else. You ruined the only real relationship I ever had. You are just as bad as my father. You tried to control my life!”
He looks shocked. We both stop walking.
“That was never my intention. I just wanted you to be happy, and I know you weren’t happy with Eli.”
“How do you know if I was happy or not? What right did you have to decide anything for me?”
“I know because you never smiled, not once the whole time you were around him, and you have smiled over a hundred times since you met me. I know because your eyes didn’t lust after Eli, like they lust after me.” He tucks a stray hair behind my ear. “I know because you are an amazing woman who deserves to be worshipped by the man she is with, and all Eli did that entire time was complain about how clingy and annoying you were.”
“I’m not clingy.”
“I know. Eli’s an idiot. You shouldn’t have dated him.”
“I know, but so are you.”
“You’re right. I’m an idiot, too. You should have dated someone else. You should have moved on after Eli.”
I shake my head. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t date when I knew it would never go anywhere, when I knew it would always leave me heartbroken, when I knew I was always meant to be with you…except I didn’t know who you were yet because you never told me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too. You shouldn’t be forced to marry me to get a position in the company you clearly deserve.”
He intensely stares at me, trying to understand what I’m saying, but I don’t know what I’m saying. I just want him to know that this situation is completely fucked up.
All I know is, I still want him.
I moisten my lips, begging for his lips to find mine. They do. His lips sink into mine as his hands go around my body. I moan against his lips.
I forget about being on a busy sidewalk on the strip. I forget about how mad at him I still am for lying to me. I forget about how mad I am at him for manipulating my life.
I just kiss and moan and beg.
His kiss is aggressive and hungry. He wants me as much as I want him. He needs this.
I don’t think about the fact that, in a few months, we could be walking down the aisle as man and wife, and having a one-night stand now could ruin it all. I don’t care. I just need him. I need to feel what it’s like to have a man burying himself deep inside me as we both come.
We finish walking back to the hotel, kissing along the way, before I realize that this is a bad idea. We can’t walk into the hotel, kissing and holding hands. Everyone who works in the casino will see us and start rumors. Those rumors will get back to my grandfather, and he will assume we have decided to marry when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Maybe we should go back to your place. I don’t want any of the staff to see us together.”
“This is my place.” He releases my hand as soon as we get close to the entrance. “No one will suspect if we go up to our rooms together. Our rooms are right next door to each other.”
“They are? Why do you live in a hotel room?”
“I feel more at home here. And having a hotel room here lets me be closer to work. I’ve had enough emergency calls that I have had to attend to in the middle of the night that it’s just easier to already be here.”
I nod, understanding.
“Why do you live in a hotel when I know you have a home only a few minutes away?” he asks.
“I feel at home here. I’ve always felt at home in hotels more so than at home.”
Killian smiles. “Your father used to say the same thing.”
“Come on. This time, you take the stairs, and I’ll take the elevator.”
He laughs. “No, we will both take the elevator.”
We walk into the casino, side by side, but we don’t touch. Employees notice us and nod in our direction. This time though, I feel like they can see the truth. They know we are walking upstairs to go have sex. They all know. It will be the talk of the town tomorrow.
My hand shakes nervously at my side, and I try my best to smile at a bartender as she walks by, but it’s weak.
“Relax. No one suspects a thing,” Killian whispers into my ear.
“Don’t do that,” I hiss. “It just makes us look more suspicious to see you talking into my ear.”
We make it to the elevator without drawing too much attention to ourselves. When the doors close, the tension between us is too much to remain frozen and not touching. Our bodies collide. Our arms wrap around each other as our lips touch in one of the best kisses of my life. I don’t know if it’s the tension that caused this kiss to be even better than the rest, or maybe it’s the underlying anger that I still feel toward him. Whatever the reason, I don’t want it to stop.
The elevator dings, indicating that we are stopping, that the doors are going to open soon, that we have to stop. But we can’t. We are desperate for each other, desperate to hold on to whatever this fleeting feeling is. I’m sure, as soon as we have sex, it will be gone, and we will go back to being mortal enemies. But, for now, it lasts.
The doors open, and Killian tears his lips from mine just in time for the woman standing there to only suspect that we were just kissing, but not long enough to have proof. I notice her smile knowingly anyway as our heavy panting gives us away as to what we were just doing. She’s not an employee though. The woman who enters the elevator has no idea who we are.
It doesn’t keep me from flushing a bright shade of pink though. I’ve never been caught making out with a man before, not even in high school when Eli and I were dating. We never did anything so risky to risk being caught.
The elevator dings again on the top floor, the floor both Killian and I have rooms on. Killian motions with his hand for me to step out first. So, I do, pushing any thoughts of Eli out of my mind. Tonight isn’t about him. I’ll deal with those memories later.
Tonight is about need and desire. Tonight is about me finally becoming a woman who can sleep with a man without becoming attached. Tonight is about giving in to my own desires without thoughts of the consequences. Tonight is about me. It’s about fucking.
I make my way to my hotel door and slip the key card in. I watch the red light flick to green. I push the handle down, opening the door. Killian’s body is quickly pushing me inside as soon as the latch on the door releases.
I let out a small whimper when he pushes me inside. I wasn’t expecting him to move so quickly.
He claims my lips with his in a brutal, carnal kiss. It’s a kiss that can’t be mistaken for anything but what it is—a desperate plea for me to give myself to him. Fuck, when he kisses me like that, giving so much of himself to me, I want nothing more than to give him everything.
I try to match the hunger of his kiss with my own, but my inexperienced tongue gets tangled in his. His tongue takes back control. This time, I let him do what he wants, and I just enjoy the way he molds us together with just his tongue.
Killian breaks away from my lips as his hand finds my hair and releases the clip holding it up. His eyes follow my curls as they bounce down my back. His hand tangles into my hair as his lips find mine again, deepening the kiss.
I moan as he tugs softly on my locks.
I’ve never been controlled by a man before. Eli is really my only experience other than Brent—if that could even be called a sexual experience. And Eli was always soft, gentle, thoughtful. He didn’t have an aggressive bone in his body, not like this man attacking me with his body.
Killian’s hand finds my ass, and he lifts me. I wrap my legs around his waist, feeling his hard body beneath me. He carries me to the bedroom. I moan from the movement of my already drenched pussy rubbing against him with every step.
He drops me on the bed before his eyes admire my body. I bite my lip as I watch his eyes take in my black bra and panties. For the first time tonight, I feel happy that I chose this see-through lace dress.
His eyes stay on my body as he slowly and deliberately removes my high heels. It’s one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen, but I know it will soon be replaced when he removes his clothes. When my shoes are off, I stand and turn around. I lift my hair off my neck.
Killian knows what I’m asking without me having to say a word. His hand finds the zipper, and he slowly pulls it down. I feel his hot breath on my neck the whole time, each breath sending shivers down my spine.
I drop my hair, and he slowly turns me around until I’m facing him. He cups my chin in his hand, and his thumb softly strokes my cheek.
“I need to hear you say it.”
His words are cryptic, but I know what he’s asking. I try to make my eyes as lust-filled as possible when I look at him. I know, no matter what I say, my words won’t be enough for him, if my body isn’t saying the same thing. And I’m not going to let him get away with just letting his lips and tongue taste me. I want more. I’m desperate for his cock to be inside me. I’m desperate to feel what a real release feels like from a man experienced in giving me what I want.
“I want you,” I say.
He takes a deep breath before pushing our bodies together. “Not good enough.” His eyes have grown intense with burning need.
I moan as his lips crush against my neck, sending more chills throughout my body.
“I need you.”
He shakes his head against my neck. “Not good enough.”
His hand presses against my soaked panties covering my pussy.
“Fuck,” I let out.
His lips smile just a little against my neck. His lips move back to mine as he slips one finger into my panties. My breath catches in my throat at his slow, torturous touch.
I can’t not have him. I can’t let him walk away from this. I’ll die if he doesn’t take me.
His lips along with his finger finally pull away from me. I whimper at the loss of his touch. I grab ahold of his neck and shoulders, barely able to stand. My breathing is fast, and my heartbeat is erratic. I do my best to catch my breath before I speak, but I can’t.
I look into his hungry whiskey-colored eyes and say the dirtiest but also the most truthful thing that has ever escaped my lips, “Fuck me, Killian. Take me, own me, control me. I can’t survive another second without knowing how your cock feels inside me.”
His head cocks slightly as he smiles brighter than I’ve ever seen. “It will be my pleasure.”
As soon as the words leave his mouth, his whole body changes to another level. I didn’t know that another level of intensity could exist between two people. I was wrong.
My dress falls down my body as his shirt comes off. His pants fall quickly, and he steps out as he pushes me back onto the bed.
He kisses me now like I’m the only woman he ever wants to kiss, like I make him whole. And when he kisses me, I feel the same way. Our hands link together high over my head as his erection presses between my legs.
I feel my nipples growing hard beneath my bra, begging to be touched. He senses my need and releases my hands to unhook my bra. The cold air makes my nipples perk higher. He palms my breast with his hand as the ache grows in my swollen breasts. He finds my nipple and squeezes roughly.
“Fuck,” I moan.
He smiles. “I think I like your dirty mouth.”
“Fuck,” I moan again. “Just don’t stop.”
I pant as he takes the next one in his hand and gives it the same attention he gave the first.
My pussy aches for attention as he presses harder against me. He senses that, too, and his hand releases one breast to sink down inside my panties. He finds my clit and rubs until I’m panting harder. I need him even more than before.
“Please,” I beg.
His lips hover just above mine. “Please, what, princess?”
“Please, I need you inside me.” My pussy aches harder, desperate to be filled.
He stands and pulls my panties off my body until I’m completely bare for him. He only takes a second to admire my body before picking up his discarded jeans, but it feels like his eyes soak me in for hours. I think, if I asked him, he could recall every curve, every freckle, and every imperfection of my skin. That’s how well his eyes have taken in my body.
I watch as he pulls a condom out of his pocket. I try not to think why he would have one in his pocket in the first place, but my thoughts drift anyway. Did he pick me up tonight with this intention? Or did he plan on picking up another random girl as soon as he dropped me off?
The thoughts quickly float out of my head when he drops his boxers, and I watch his thick, hard cock spring free.
My breath catches at the sight. I have to touch it. I have to make him feel as good as he has made me feel.
“Touch it,” he commands, reading my thoughts again.
I hesitantly reach my hand out to stroke him. He moans at my touch, giving me more confidence, and I tighten my grip around his straining erection. I move up and down, slow and steady.
“Fuck, princess,” he moans.
I pick up speed, as his arousal somehow grows larger.
He suddenly grabs my wrist, and I stop the movement and look up at him with wide eyes.
“Enough,” he says.
He rips the condom open with his mouth, an obviously practiced move. He easily slides it on, never taking his dangerous eyes off of mine. I sink back into the bed, climbing up further away from him. I feel my heartbeat race in anticipation of what is about to happen. I swallow hard, trying to push the nervous energy down, but it doesn’t work. I can feel my heartbeat in my throat.
Killian climbs up the bed until he is on top of me. He kisses me hard and controlling as I feel him settle in between my legs again. I tremble slightly when he palms my breast.
He looks up at me with troubled eyes. “Is this your first time, princess?”
“No,” I whisper. But it might as well be. It’s been three years. And even then, it only happened a handful of times, and none of them felt even a fraction as good as this has so far.
His eyes travel over my face, trying to understand the contradiction between my words and what my body is saying. He tucks a hair behind my ear, trying to calm my nerves. “I’m not going to hurt you, princess.”
I nod, but I can’t control my body. I can’t keep it from reacting this way. When he realizes that I’m not going to relax from just his words, he tries with his lips, with his tongue. His tongue sinks into my mouth, and I lose myself in his kiss.
His hand finds my clit again, and he works me into a frenzy of need. I moan as I grow closer. I’m so close to coming. My eyes open for just a second, and I see him giving me one final warning with his eyes before he sinks inside me.
“Fuck, Killian,” I moan as he stretches me with his cock. I didn’t even realize I could stretch that wide for him.
“You’re beautiful, princess. Look at me,” Killian says, taking me off the pain for a second.
When I do, I see the appreciation there. I moisten my lips moments before his lips join with mine again. I feel him sink further into me, but this time, my body welcomes the wince of pain because it knows it’ll bring me closer to the pleasure that is about to ensue.
His hands lock back with mine, high over my head, as he gently rocks inside me. We both moan as he does. The pleasure begins to sweep over my body with each movement. His body moves slowly at first in a steady rhythm that my body easily matches.
His body quickly increases his rhythm, thrusting harder and faster. Each time his body presses into mine, another jolt of pleasure flows through every nerve ending in my body. Each thrust brings me closer and closer to exploding in ecstasy. Each thrust sweeps me further and further under his spell.
“Come for me,” he says, his voice primal and raspy.
I realize he’s panting just as hard as I am.
I moan as he thrusts again, bringing me so close.
“Come for me, princess,” he says again.
This time, I do. I feel the warm waves of pleasure flow through me as I scream his name.
He comes right after me before collapsing on top of me. Our bodies stay pressed together for several minutes. In these few precious moments, our bodies are one.
And I know now that he will hurt me. As soon as he gets up and goes to clean himself off, he will rip me apart, taking a small part of me with him that I can never get back. Because that was the best sex of my life. That’s how sex is supposed to be. And I know that I gave a small part of myself to him that made it so incredible. I just hope that, when he moves, it just leaves a small hole in my heart instead of the gaping hole that I’m afraid he will leave in his wake.
Heat creeps up my neck, waking me. I try to move, but I can’t. Killian’s body is heavy on top of mine. His stubble scratches against my chest when I try to move.
We fell asleep. I try to glance at a clock, but I don’t find one. How long have we been sleeping like this? I try to move, and I find that he is still buried inside me. Although he doesn’t fill me quite the same way he did before.
This can’t be happening. He was supposed to leave as soon as this was over. If anyone catches him leaving my room in the morning, we are going to be out of time to decide what we want to do. My grandfather will force us into getting married when that’s clearly not what either of us wants. So, why did Killian fall asleep on top of me then? If he doesn’t want to be with me, why is he still here?
“Killian,” I whisper. I don’t know why I’m whispering. Maybe it’s because I’m ashamed of what we just did. I don’t sleep with strange men—although Killian isn’t really a stranger anymore. I don’t do this though. I’m a good girl. I don’t sleep with someone on the first date—except I just did.
“Killian,” I say louder.
He stirs slightly, but my voice isn’t enough to wake him.
“Killian,” I say even louder.
His eyes open wide, and his body jerks off of mine. We both wince at the loss we feel as soon as his body leaves mine. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I will not let the pain overtake rational thought. I will not.
“You need to go,” I say without opening my eyes.
I feel his hand against my cheek, brushing my hair off my face. “If that’s what you want,” he says softly.
I keep my eyes closed, afraid I will cry if I open them. I refuse to be the girl who cries after sex. I will not let that happen. I will prove to him that I can be just as heartless as him. I can sleep with a man without losing a bit of myself, without expecting more than one night.
“You need to go,” I say again.
“Okay,” he says.
I feel the bed shift as he stands from the bed. When I hear the bathroom door close, I open my eyes. I take another deep breath before getting up and walking to the closet. I slip on pajama pants and shirt. I grab a hair tie and quickly gather my hair in a bun on top of my head.
I glance at my phone. It’s three in the morning. I sigh. I’m not going to get much sleep. I probably won’t get any more sleep as soon as he leaves. But I need him gone before I do something stupid that will reveal that I can’t do this, just like he said I couldn’t.
He comes back from the bathroom, but I don’t glance at him as much as my body wants one last peek at his tight abs and impressive cock. I won’t. I had my fun. Now, it’s time to move on.
“I’ll be in the living room,” I say. I walk through the bedroom door and into the living room. I don’t look back.
It only takes him a minute to get dressed. I glance up from my spot on the couch when he enters the living room. He’s dressed. His hair is combed. He looks exactly like he did when he came to pick me up, completely unaffected by what just happened. He probably isn’t affected. He does this once a month with different women all the time. I’m just his whore for the night.
Killian walks to me. He bends down and softly kisses me on the lips. “Sleep well, princess.”
He walks to the door. I don’t get up. I refuse to walk him to the door. That’s what girlfriends do. That’s what women in love do. I’m not in love, not even close.
My eyes follow him though. They follow him to the door. They watch as he pauses for just a second before he opens the door. His eyes meet mine. I swear they look sad, or maybe that’s just my imagination. I don’t know. But then he opens the door, and he’s gone.
I stay on the couch as one tear falls. It hurts, seeing him go.
Tonight was a mistake. I shouldn’t have had sex with him…because I think I just fell a little for him. And if I fall for him, then that gives him the advantage. That means I will do whatever is in his best interest instead of what is in mine. I can’t do that. I have to stay strong. I have to do what I need.
I should be angry with Killian. He lied to me. He took away another bit of my freedom. And I am. I am angry. I’m angry that I didn’t get to experience dating Eli for longer than I did. I’m angry that I didn’t date other men after Eli. I’m angry that Killian is the only man who has ever made me feel loved…except it wasn’t love. It was anger and passion. That’s what made the sex so great. It wasn’t real.
I wipe the fallen tear from my cheek, and then I grab the remote and turn on the TV. Tonight, for the first time, I don’t think of my father and how much I miss him. Instead, I find a new hole in my heart, a hole that can only be filled by Killian. But it’s a hole that will never be filled.