EVE
Present…
Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe. – John 20:27
It was like deja-vu. Running through the gripping branches of the trees, a moonlit night that disguised the path. I ran barefoot through the underbrush, slicing and scratching my skin on the various roots and rocks that littered the ground.
The pitch black darkness of night, the sounds of the animals, the pain that came with each step I took forward, it was all the same; except this time, I wasn’t alone and cast out into the wilderness with only my wits to survive.
This time, I was being followed.
Three men trailed me from what I could hear. At their heels were the dogs kept on the compound that were never allowed to socialize with the community members. We were told that they were kept separate in order to prevent disruption of their training to defend the property. I was now learning they were also kept to chase down errant members of the compound who tried to escape.
Fear shot through me, a wicked electric burst as my pulse pounded in time with my feet. I couldn’t stop, couldn’t look back. I was terrified of falling, of feeling the angry hands of the men who chased me touching my body, of the sharp teeth of the dogs ripping at my skin.
For once, I found myself thankful for the dark night.
The voices would dissipate every so often and I’d slow down, but like a specter that couldn’t be seen, they’d reappear to my right or left, causing me to change course, leading me in directions I hadn’t explored before.
Crawl toward me, Eve. Show me how you want me. Reveal the sinner inside you…
Elijah’s voice whispered in my mind, the memories of my training in that small, wooden shed. Until that place, those nights, I’d never experienced fear mixed with seduction – terror weaved through need.
Good girl. Always such a devout believer…
My lungs were on fire. I could barely draw in a breath, but that’s the thing with running for your life: despite your muscles screaming to slow down, despite the shock to your bones from your heavy steps – you always keep going.
Adrenaline pushed my body, panic made it possible.
I was being herded toward a particular place. I wondered if there were other buildings in these woods, places where they would trap me so that whatever punishment I deserved could be carried out without the others hearing my screams.
Since becoming Eve, I’d learned what Elijah was capable of. I’d been dragged into the center of his world, been made witness to the horrifying and eye-opening reality of the compound. I understood it was necessary. I knew that evil could still exist even within the safety of the gates. Elijah warned me, he told me how demons would attempt to corrupt us.
It was his job to seek them out, to convert them or destroy them if they were too deep in shadow to see the light.
God was in everything Elijah did. I’d witnessed the might of his hand when he condemned new members who would not conform and accept the grace that had been offered to them. The devil lived in every single one of us and it was Elijah’s job to cast him out.
If it couldn’t be done, if a person was so lost to the evil that his soul couldn’t be saved, he was killed.
Belief was not an option, but a requirement. We were safe if we had faith, but only if we refused to live among the unfaithful.
Within an hour, exhaustion weighed me down. Not hearing the men or dogs any longer, I allowed myself to stop. My tears had ceased pouring from my eyes. My arms and legs shook with the exertion of what I’d just done.
Why had Joshua stopped the ceremony? Why had my brother stepped into the middle of a holy rite, one that would elevate me to the greatness Elijah knew I possessed? Didn’t Joshua know I was meant for God’s glory? Didn’t he know I was drowning in sin?
I don’t know why I ran and I’m not sure that I’ll ever know. But hearing Joshua’s voice tell me to go had awakened me, made me remember the years that my brother had protected me, when he’d been the safety blanket I could hide beneath. He’d always been my escape from the violence that was sometimes necessary in our lives.
Sitting down by a large tree, my thoughts shifted to my parents. They were madly in love with each other, two free spirits that always chose to shun society. They were peaceful and joyous in their lives together, but also fearful of the world.
Even before the compound, we lived separate from the various towns where we’d moved each year. My parents wouldn’t stay in one place for long.
We were always running, always scared, always…
When I was seven, they found a house in the country beside a beautiful lake. I was given three good years in a place I could call home. I thought it was the end of running, the end of constantly moving to a new place.
It wasn’t.
Now, because of them, I was trapped in a world I never wanted to know.
I was alone. Frightened. Lost.
So very lost.
I had to return to the compound.
There was no life without Elijah. Especially now. Especially after everything he’d taught me about myself.
My demons were still inside me.
A week wasn’t enough time to exorcise them fully.
There was only sin and pain, evil and ugliness. There were monsters that would seek me out and bad men who would steal the purity that Elijah had given me with his mark. Maybe even now, I was tainted. My faith had not been strong enough. I’d not believed hard enough when I’d listened to my brother.
I’d failed and I feared I would be forever lost for that failure.
The pressure in my chest was unbearable. My heart struggled to beat, its rhythm heavy with grief and shame.
Burning tears fell down my cheeks as I made the decision to return. I would face punishment. I deserved it.
I craved it.
Pushing up from the ground, my foot stumbled on the hem of my dress. I launched forward, my head colliding with a rock and my knee scraping against the broken branches on the ground. But I didn’t feel the pain of that fall, didn’t cry when my skin split and blood spilled. The only pain I felt in that moment was heartache mixed with the fervent hope that Elijah would forgive me for having run.
Standing again, I spun in circles, not sure which way I’d come from or which way I should go. Like a thick curtain, the night concealed the forest around me, the moonlight above unable to penetrate the canopy of trees.
I walked forward, unsure if it was the right way. I placed my faith in God at that moment, my faith that forgiveness could exist for a wayward soul.
Praying that mercy would meet me when I returned, I knew that pain would be required to cleanse me of my indiscretion.
Pain.
That beautiful, decadent salt only he could wipe into my wounds.
I’d become addicted to it.
Taking careful steps, my feet navigated an unfriendly landscape. My skin was torn by rocks, my muscles bruised, but I kept going.
An hour could have passed, but instead of finding the chain link fence, the barbed wire and the gates, I found a small road.
Unpaved and only wide enough for one car, I didn’t recognize it. Stepping out of the shadows, my eyes were met with the brilliance of moonlight and thousands of stars scattered haphazardly across the sky. I’d never seen so many stars before and I was saddened to think that the floodlights kept on our property drowned out the sheer beauty of God’s world.
We needed the light to remain safe from the evil that lingered in the shadows. I understood that need. But, in that moment it occurred to me that evil was separating us from the divinity with which we should always be united.
It was the sign I needed.
Perhaps God had led me to a simpler path for my return.
“Okay, Father, lead me.” I prayed into the cool night air, going with my gut as I listened, turning my body right towards what I believed would be home.
Another hour passed as I followed that lonely road. My mouth was bone dry with thirst, my dress was stained and torn, my hair was matted, but I kept going.
When the sun began to peek over the horizon, morning light crept along the ground like fog.
In the distance, something flashed and I turned thinking that, maybe, I’d found my way. Hope flooded my system and gave me the strength to push forward down a dirt driveway.
The trees cleared, opening to a large lot. In its center stood a building that was much smaller than the compound. Lights illuminated the area that surrounded it, leaving the yard dark.
It wasn’t home.
The bit of strength I’d found dissolved into the ground as I sank to my knees.
I held the position, lost within a sticky soup of heartache and loss to see I’d been led astray once again.
God had abandoned me.
As the door to that building opened, I closed my eyes and let go, finally delivering myself to the darkness I knew I deserved.