Chapter 10
After composing ourselves, Jonathan and I spent the next hour comparing our memories. At first, I was reluctant to share the details of my dream, but when I started, it felt good and right to share, almost as though I was shedding the light over his darkened soul. Our last life together ended tragically. I’d drowned, and he’d felt at fault. I couldn’t deny it anymore. It all fit too well.
“I wish Silvy were here,” I said. “She’d know how to figure this out.” Sadness washed over me as I realized that everything my mother had ever told me about souls following one another through the universe was true. I wished I could apologize for all the years of grief I caused her with my skepticism. I silently asked her forgiveness, and then I moved my attention back to Jonathan.
“Did you ever see more than water during your regression therapy?” I asked, curious to see just how much he knew about these people. I wanted to know them and to see them.
“My parents stopped the therapy a couple of sessions later. My father was actually worried that I might learn too much and not be able to live this life because I still mourned over the last one.”
“I wouldn’t want my child having that kind of burden to carry around either.” I reached across his body for a handful of M&M’s.
“I didn’t feel that way. I was very upset my parents put a halt to the sessions. It haunted me, knowing I’d lived before and had a life with someone. I wanted to know who I was and who she was and everything about our lives.”
“So, did you ever figure out who you were before?” I moved back to the couch, so I could see his face.
He took another few M&M’s from my hand and ate them before answering. “I started having dreams or more like Deja vu. It wasn’t like I knew who I was before, I just got these jolts of information that made no sense. For example, I automatically knew what to do if someone fainted, or I’d recognize an old movie star without ever having seen him before. Some of these things started happening a long time before the regression. I didn’t realize they had any significance until after going back in time. Even then, I had to pay attention.”
“You mean like having unwarranted fears?” I asked, trying to see how similar our quirks really were.
“Yeah, sometimes. Other times I’d find a certain food or a kind of flower that seemed to mean way too much. One time, when I was about thirteen, I translated the label on a vintage bottle of French wine. My mother was so freaked out, she got rid of all the booze in the house.” The sound of his long absent laughter brought cheer to my heart.
“Never took French, I presume?”
“Never.”
I listened and hoped for some kind of sign from Silvy that this was the answer I’d searched for my entire, lonely life. I thought of her books and her notes on the soul, and suddenly I wanted to read them all. I needed to understand the significance of being able to remember a past life. If reincarnation is what happens after mortal death, then why doesn’t every person in the world have the capacity to break through this amnesia barrier? Why were we being allowed to remember?
I repeated the last part of my question aloud. “Jonathan, why are we being allowed to remember all this? If it’s true, if we’ve truly been reincarnated, how are we breaking through the amnesia?” I handed the rest of the half-melted candy to him and wiped a multicolored smear on my sweat pants.
“My best guess is that we’re soulmates, Becka. From all the research I’ve done, it’s the only thing I can figure. Maybe, we were supposed to find each other? Maybe, our drive to find one another in this life somehow broke down the barrier or something.” He put the candy back in the dish and wiped his hands over the place I’d wiped mine, leaving his warm hands there on my thighs.
“Soulmates, huh?” I said cautiously, thinking how good it sounded now that I wasn’t afraid.
“How would you explain it? Why did you faint when you looked into my eyes that first time? Why do we feel this way without even knowing each other? It’s the only thing that makes any sense.” His hands rubbed the length of my thighs, causing me to lose track of our conversation.
I closed my eyes, considering what it meant to be cosmically connected to another being.
His voice broke the silence. “All I know for sure, Becka, is from the time I realized I’d lost you, I knew I had to find you again.” The sincerity in his voice opened my eyes. He moved over next to me on the couch and dragged me onto his lap.
“I couldn’t believe it when I finally found you. You were so beautiful and alive. I knew it that first second, just before you hit the floor.”
“That wasn’t funny.” I tried my best to be angry, but that hope quickly vanished. “I need to find out who we were. I need to see and feel and know, Jonathan. This believing business is all new to me. I need tangible evidence.” I laid in his arms, holding on for dear life and praying he understood.
“Then we’ll find them,” he whispered an inch from my mouth. “I can’t help but love you, and all I want in this world is for you to love me too.”
“I already do love you. I just don’t know you. It’d be nice to get to know who you are.” I leaned in and gently pinched his lips between mine, inviting him.
“Don’t worry, we’ll take care of that too.” He lifted me off the couch and carried me into my room. Our mouths were so intense for one another, I could hardly breathe by the time he laid me down on my bed and unzipped my sweatshirt. Before I knew it, we were bare against one another, holding tight.
My need for him was so much stronger than the night in Hawaii. He kissed my eyelids, my forehead, my nose, and settled on my lips, gently at first and then more demanding. His body was warm and hard, and there wasn’t an inch of air between us. He stroked my hair, and then ran his curious hands down my body, resting on the sensitive skin at the very top of my thigh.
With his forefinger, he traced the line of my bottom, sending chills over my body. I let myself feel the touch deep in my soul, this time understanding why it was so powerful. We’d been lovers in a previous life—lovers with such an undying need and passion to be together, we couldn’t stay apart.
“Do you feel it now, Becka?” His tongue moved around the back of my ear, taking the lobe into his mouth, suckling gently, and sending another round of chills over my skin.
“Ahhhh, yes,” I hissed. “I can definitely feel it.” As the words escaped my mouth, he brought his lips back to mine. He moved down my body, caressing my flesh with every part of his body. “Please!” I begged, “Don’t tease me.”
He parted my legs with a silent answer to my plea. I closed my eyes when I felt the heat of his tongue flowing up one thigh and down the other, pausing momentarily at the apex with each pass. Each time he stopped there, my body shook with anticipation, leaving me breathless and frustrated when he moved away.
“You are wicked. I can’t stand it.” My voice had a whimper I prayed he couldn’t resist.
“Is this what you want?” His sexy growl gave me hope. A second later he was inside me, moving gently at first, and then harder against me as I met his thrusts. Every part of me enveloped him, trying to bring him further in.
“That’s exactly what I want!” I’d never spoken an entire sentence during an orgasm before. It was a surreal experience. One I hoped to repeat many times over.
We made love until our passion ebbed. In his arms I felt lost, but after all this time, I knew I’d been found.
~ ~ ~
The much sought after single point of light glared brightly in the distance as I closed my eyes and rested in Jonathan’s arms. Every inch of my mind, body, and soul felt calm for the first time in my life. His breathing had a soothing rhythm that harmonized perfectly with the beat of my heart. Having never experienced anything quite like this, I imagined it to be what bliss must feel like. It was the kind of bliss that Silvy carried around with her every day, and the kind of bliss that told me I’d never again feel separate and alone.
Jonathan awakened me with a tender kiss. He’d been watching me as I dreamed, and from where he lay, it hadn’t appeared I was under any kind of duress. The sweet, teasing tone of his voice awakened the ache once again, to which he aptly applied the cure, but this time allowing me the privilege of doing with him whatever I pleased. From his breathless responses, I hadn’t disappointed.
Just as we stepped from the shower, I heard the turn of the key in my front door lock, telling me Rich was about to learn more about my love life than I was prepared to share.
“Becka, where are you?” Rich shouted as he took the few steps into my bedroom. We had nowhere to hide, so we stood bare.
“Ah, I see,” he said with an embarrassed laugh, staring blatantly at Jonathan’s nude body with appreciation. “Glad to see you’re safe.”
Jonathan was completely unaffected by having another man look him over. “Hey Rich. How are you?” He greeted my brother, acting as though it was perfectly normal for him to be in my home—naked. Rich stared as he finished wiping the water from his skin. The only one uncomfortable with the whole thing was me.
I grabbed my robe from the hook on the wall and moved my body in front of Jonathan. “Rich,” I said, irritated, “would you mind giving us a minute? We’ll be right there.” I pointed toward the living room.
Jonathan chuckled when he saw how red I’d gotten. “You shouldn’t be so tough on Rich. It doesn’t bother me.”
“Well, it bothers me. I just found you. I’m not ready to share you with anyone.” Instead of trying to untangle my ratty hair, I reached for a clip.
“May I?” he asked as he took the clip from my hand and threw it in the waste basket. He winked at me in the mirror as he picked up the brush from the counter. “You have such beautiful natural curls. Just have a little patience.” He slowly and methodically untangled the knotted strands gently, starting at the bottom.
“By the way, your brother’s not my type. You have nothing to worry about.” He stopped for a moment to kiss the sensitive skin below my ear, and then he continued brushing until my hair lay tamed and shining.
~ ~ ~
Rich was pacing a hole in my antique rug when we came out of the bedroom. His distant look told me his mind was running a hundred miles an hour. Absently, Rich grabbed a handful of the M&M’s out of the tray and munched them, never once realizing half of the ones he’d consumed were melted to the peanut. Something was definitely wrong. He was usually very fussy about such things.
“Hey, you okay?” I cracked open another Mountain Dew to quench my thirst. “What took you so long, anyway?” Jonathan walked to the sink, added water to his glass from the faucet and started to drink.
“Don’t drink that,” I scolded, taking the glass from him and dumping the water. “It’s poison, you know?” I refilled his glass from Arrowhead bottle, then handed it back to him, still watching Rich in the other room, doing that thing he does just before he reveals something.
Jonathan thanked me for saving him from the pollutants of our local ground water, then motioned for me to go see what was bugging my brother.
“I’ll be in your room, reading,” he said, leaning in to kiss my forehead. “Let me know if you need me, okay?” He caught my eye and I nodded. He picked up the History of Hollywood coffee table book and headed toward my room, shutting the door quietly behind him to give us some privacy.
As Rich stared out at the darkness of the street, I couldn’t get over how much he looked like our father.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” I asked, setting down my drink and preparing myself for the worst.
Rich turned at my voice and smiled. “I’m so glad you’ve let Jonathan into your life,” he said with chocolate on his breath. “I think it’ll help.” He circled his arms around me and brought me to him with an embrace that warned me he had something ominous to say.
“Help with what?” I tried to move back to look at him, but he held tight.
“Becka,” his voice broke, “I think Silvy was murdered!”
My knees nearly buckled when his words registered. Shock hit me first, then pain, and then anger all within a matter of the five seconds it took for me to respond. My brother just held me, waiting.
“Why—why do you think that?” I fought hard to steady my voice.
“I think she was too close. I think they needed her quiet, and there was no way to accomplish that without killing her.”
“Who’s they? Who would do that to Silvy? Everyone loved her.” My throat dried so tight around my words, I had to cough them out.
“Everyone but the Sullivans.”
“What?” I backed away, coughing uncontrollably now. I reached for my drink and wished instantly it was vodka instead of soda. “How do you know? Do you have proof?”
“Only circumstantial.” Frustrated, he turned away from me, looking out the window again.
“Was it the notebook? What do you think Silvy was doing with those names and dates?”
“Those people worked at Sullivan’s. All took leave due to some strange illness. Some are dead. Some are still getting medical treatment. Obviously, Silvy believed Sullivan’s Plastics was poisoning them as you and Annie suspected.”
“Was she tracking them or something?”
“I think she was trying to convince them to testify against the company. After talking to a few of them, that seems to be the consensus.”
“Were any of them willing to testify? Is there any medical proof?” I took another drink from my soda, trying to stay composed while talking about my mother being murdered.
He turned back to me then, giving me the look that told me he was proud of how I was handling myself. “Finding Jonathan has already done wonders for you.” His voice dropped low, so this sentiment could stay between us.
“Jonathan and I have a lot of things to work through before we go riding off into the sunset.”
“He seems pretty wonderful to me.” A faint, telling smile stretched below the newly formed bags under his bloodshot eyes.
I sat at the end of my chaise and watched the bubbles rise to the top of the bottle. The hiss of the chemicals releasing their sweet fumes made me think of the factory and how it had slowly poisoned its workers. “Will they help us shut that fucking place down or not?”
“I’m not sure, Becka. They’re all really scared, especially now that Silvy has mysteriously died.”
“Can the EPA help us?”
He shook his head. “I suspect some kick-backs on that front or Silvy would have gone to them first. It’s up to the court system now, but only if we have viable proof, and witnesses willing to testify and share their stories.”
“Then let’s get some witnesses. Give me a copy of that list! I’d like to take a crack at convincing them myself.” I bolted to my feet with a show of confidence, ready to finish our mother’s work.
“I don’t want you in danger. I want you to go up to the cabin with Annie and wait. I’ll take care of all this!” Now, he really looked like Daddy. So protective. It surprised him when I laughed.
“Rich, honey. I love that you’re trying to protect me, but this is my fight as much as yours.” I reached over and took his hand, squeezing it. He blew out a long breath, both showing relief and worry at the same time.
“We’re in this together.” I gave his hand one more shake, then patted the top. “Let’s get busy.”
We strategized over the next twenty minutes, deciding how to go about ending the long destructive reign of Sullivan’s Plastics. I’d call the victims, and he’d work with the Environmental Protection Agency to see if we could do it the easy way. In the meantime, we consumed what was left of the M&M’s out of our mother’s favorite pewter bowl. I’d almost forgotten Jonathan was in my bedroom until he flung the door open with a loud thud, rushing toward me with my book in hand.
“Becka, oh my God!” He could hardly get the words out fast enough. “I think I know who we were!” He flipped the History of Hollywood book open to my earmarked page and read the headline out loud, repeating the names Stanford Reed and Rachel Stewart three times before taking a full breath. “It’s us, Becka. Stanford and Rachel! I just know it!”
I was drawn into his excitement, wanting to believe he’d really found our connection that easily.
Rich took the book from Jonathan’s hands before I had a chance to look at the article, deciding he’d get more answers by reading than by trying to decipher our code. Jonathan picked me up into his arms, twirling me around until the M&M’s crawled dangerously from my stomach up my throat.
“Okay, okay. Let me see!” He put me down, and both of us looked over Rich’s shoulder, Jonathan reciting verbatim from the article. “Rachel Stewart’s nude, drowned body had washed up on Malibu Beach in 1939. Overcome by grief, Dr. Stanford Reed, her lover, committed suicide some two months later.”
Rich handed us the book and moved away, giving us some space. “Silvy would be proud of you, Becka. You’re really starting to show some psychic promise.” He reclined on the couch, laying his head back on a pillow in exhaustion. “I’m sure you’ll explain all this to me later, right?”
“You bet I will,” I said, accepting a kiss from Jonathan’s smiling lips. “Just as soon as I understand it myself.”
“Good! In the meantime, can we order a pizza?” He never opened his eyes, so he never saw me roll my eyes at his request.
“A fresh tomato-garlic, right?” I asked, knowing the answer.
“That sounds really good. I’m starved. I’m sure Jonathan could use a little sustenance after the way you worked him over.” He winced when I swatted his leg as I passed by, tossing the cordless phone on his stomach to call in the order for himself.
Jonathan just laughed like a guy would after receiving a compliment. “I do feel a little weak.” His ornery, masculine cackle mixed well with that of my brother. These were the only two men on the face of the earth who could get away with such blatant disrespect.
~ ~ ~
Rich and Jonathan consumed an entire large, deep dish garlic-tomato pizza while I talked to Annie on the phone. She asked if I was watching something on Wild Kingdom, which made me laugh. I guess the sound of their over-exuberant consumption was as loud as I’d thought it was.
Annie spilled the whole tawdry tale of how she and my brother came to couple that dark, lonely night. I could tell her words came from a desperate place inside that needed for me to understand why she’d kept it from me.
“Annie, listen. There’s nothing I’d love more than to have you as the woman in my brother’s life. You’re as close to a sister-in-law as I’ll ever get.”
“Believe me, Becka. I’d love to be the woman in his life too. He’s an amazing person. I’ve always loved him. You know that.” I wanted to tease her, but I could tell she was struggling to stay composed. “It’s too bad he doesn’t want or need a woman in his life.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“Becka, we’ve always known that.” Her voice faded in defeat.
“Just because he can’t love you like you want to be loved doesn’t mean he won’t love you as much as he can.” It seemed the reasonable way to say that my brother would stick by her and be more of a partner than Steven could ever be.
“I know he’ll be there for me if I need him. I’m just praying he’s the father of this baby. I mean I’m really praying.” She covered the mouthpiece of her phone, making a loud scraping noise in my ear.
“I’ve been praying for that myself,” I agreed, crossing my fingers like I’d done as a child wishing for a pony.
I could hear Barbara asking her something in the background and Annie answering before coming back on the line. “Becka, mom wants to know if there’s a decent doctor in this area. They’re too afraid to bring me into town just yet.”
It took me a second before thinking of Doc Roberts, the town physician for as long as I could remember. “Call Dr. Roberts. His number’s in the yellow address book. He’ll know where to refer you. Tell him who you are. He’ll be glad to help.”
“Becka,” Annie whispered into the receiver, trying to keep her voice low, so her parents couldn’t hear. “Has Steven been released?”
Rich’s cellphone rang nearly simultaneously with her question. I told her to hold on while I asked Rich the latest news on Steven.
“He’s out, and he’s pissed,” Rich informed us all at the same time. “Tell her to stay put until we can make sure she’s safe. Wait!” He disconnected his call at the same time he took the receiver from my hand, deciding to tell her himself. “Annie, please listen to me. I know this is hard, but please don’t even think about coming back into town while Steven is still so upset. Promise me.”
He listened to her speaking while Jonathan and I remained quiet, eavesdropping. Then he gave her a positive answer to a question she’d asked, smiling uncontrollably all the while. “Call me the minute you get back from the doctor, then. Just remember—stay clear of here!” Again, the smile and then, “I love you too, Annie. Tell your folks to take good care of you. I’ll be up there as soon as I can.” He disconnected the call and turned red when he realized we’d witnessed his entire sweet conversation. He did love her that was obvious. I hadn’t realized my brother could endear himself even more to me, but with that display of complete beauty, he’d done it.
I couldn’t let the moment pass without hugging him.
~ ~ ~
“Steven will come here looking for her, Becka, the minute he realizes she’s not at Silvy’s anymore. I want you to leave.” Rich got up from the game table and headed to the closet for my suitcase. “Go rent a motel room or something. Just stay away until I call you and tell you it’s safe.” Rich was on a mission again. I’d learned long ago to live with this.
“She won’t have to do that. She can stay at my place,” Jonathan piped in, neither one of them giving me a chance to speak for myself.
“Even better.”
“Wait a damn minute here, boys. Maybe I have something to say about all this.” I stood up and followed Rich into my room where he piled a dozen pairs of my least favorite underwear into the bag. “Hold on!” The high pitch of my voice caused him to stop and look over his shoulder.
“Becka, this isn’t negotiable. Steven will be on another rampage, and I’d have to kill him if he threatens you.”
He was worried and stressed out, I could tell. I gave in without a fight. “At least let me pack my own things.”
Jonathan stood in the doorway, watching as Rich and I did our brother and sister dance. “She’s stubborn, but she does listen to reason sometimes.”
My brother passed him in the hall, both of them laughing like co-conspirators.
“Don’t push it!” I warned, putting in the last of my things and zipping the bag.
“Sorry, I was just trying to calm your brother down.” Jonathan came in behind me and pressed his body against the back of mine, warming me throughout. “I’ll take that.” He grabbed the bag and moved away, leaving me desperate for his touch.
“What the hell do you think you’re gonna do?” I asked Rich, who now lay on the couch, flicking through the channels until he landed on the Classic Movie station.
“I’m gonna wait.”
“Just wait? Rich, promise you won’t fight him again. Please let the police handle it. He may come with a weapon this time.”
“Becka Marie, I said I was just gonna wait, so get your ass to Jonathan’s, and I’ll call you later.” He didn’t look at me; he just pointed toward the door. My blood pressure rose so fast I could’ve hit the wall with my fist. Jonathan gently guided me away toward the door, keeping the peace.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he said to Rich, who waved his response like they’d worked it all out ahead of time.
“You’ll what?” I stopped walking and looked at him.
“Becka,” Jonathan said in his most soothing voice, “do you want Rich to be here alone if Steven shows up?”
“No, I’d prefer he’d come with us.”
“Well, that’s not gonna happen. I tried to get him to come with us too, but he wants to stay. I’m not sure exactly what he’s up to, so I’m coming back here to make sure nothing gets out of hand. Okay?”