Chapter Fifteen
Gabrielle
The air around me was crisp with the deepening autumn and the trees had completed their transformations from bright green to rich, vibrant tones of gold and red. Soon they would darken and drift off of the branches in the winter cold, but for now they were a momentary, glorious burst against the sky. As I drove through the neighborhood I noticed crews at some of the houses setting up holiday decorations. It was only two days after Thanksgiving, but Christmas seemed to already be in full force. The scurrying professionals and large equipment were something I felt like I was never going to get used to, though. I knew that the people who occupied the sprawling estates near the Griffin brothers were accustomed to having someone to do everything for them. They had staff for virtually every aspect of their lives and seemed fully incapable of imagining actually having to handle things on their own. I could understand wanting to have staff for things such as cooking and cleaning, or even for driving and taking care of the lawn, but this was beyond me.
Decorating for Christmas was something that felt far too personal to shove off on a professional team that would just take a template and toss it over the house. I had so many memories of being a little girl and planning our annual display with my father. Though he was fairly quiet and unassuming most of the year, Christmas was something completely different. All of the enthusiasm and whimsy that he kept bottled up inside of him throughout the year burst out during the holiday season and for days we were knee-deep in lights, lawn figures, ornaments, ribbons, and garlands. Trees popped up in every room of the house and soon people could see the glow of our house from the front of the neighborhood. It was something uniquely ours and a time that I treasured. Even breaking down the decorations at the end of the season became an event for us. When my father thought that nobody was listening, he would say goodbye to each of the decorations before putting them back into their boxes for the year. He thought that none of us knew that he did it, but we all did. It was one of my favorite moments, something that reassured me and gave me a sense of comfort and confidence. As long as he said goodbye to those decorations, the joy of Christmas with my family wasn't really gone. Nothing could be so terrible throughout the rest of the year because those decorations were waiting for us, ready to be dragged out of the garage or the attic the week of Thanksgiving.
The brothers hadn't started decorating yet, but I hoped that I wouldn't get back to the house to find a bunch of people we didn't know crawling around hanging lights. It was a bright and thrilling reality in my mind that this was the first holiday season that we would be spending together and I wanted it to be perfect. I didn't even know if they owned Christmas decorations, but I would find out, and if they didn't, I would make sure to rectify that quickly.
I paused at a stoplight and took the opportunity to take one hand off of the wheel to rest it on my growing belly. It wasn't very big yet, still just a roundness that I liked to emphasize with tight shirts, but it was there. It was a constant reminder of the life that was growing within me and that would soon make its appearance, creating a family that was so eager to begin. I was so excited to be spending the holidays with the men and I had been looking forward to the gift that I wanted to give them for a few weeks already. Throughout my pregnancy the midwife had told me that since I was healthy and the baby was healthy, and there was no indication that there was anything unusual or high risk about the pregnancy, there was really no reason for me to have an ultrasound. That meant that while each visit I got to check in with my health and hear the baby's heartbeat, I had yet to be able to see it. Now I was going to change that. Nikki had finally let me know that I was far enough along that an ultrasound would be able to confirm the baby's sex and even show some of its features, so if that was something that I wanted to do, it was an option.
Skylar had told me about a studio that took 3D ultrasounds and I had made an appointment without telling any of the men. I was going to get a picture of the baby and frame it for them for Christmas. I knew that it was going to be incredibly difficult to wait so long, but I also couldn't wait to see their faces when they got to look at their son for the first time.
That thought made me smile even bigger as I rubbed my belly and then started driving again. The idea of the baby was becoming so much more real the more time that passed. The bigger that my belly grew and the stronger that the little flutters of movement inside me became, the more I connected with the child that was growing there. Whenever the brothers talked about our child, they always talked about this son that I was going to give them. Though they hadn't chosen a name for him yet, they were adamant that the baby would be a little boy and would grow up to be the perfect combination of the four of them. I had to admit that I loved the idea of having a son who we would raise to have the best traits of each of the men. I wanted him to be strong and confident like Talon, adventurous and playful like Aiden, responsible and funny like Lucas, and calm, sweet, and caring like Jackson. I wondered how much of its features would come from my family, and if when I looked into his face I would see my own father or my sister and me when we were younger.
I was still lost in these thoughts when I pulled into the parking lot of the ultrasound studio and walked inside. There was no one in the waiting room and the reception desk was vacant. I took a few moments to wander around the room, looking at all of the pictures that lined the walls. Many of them were examples of the ultrasounds that could be taken at the studio, but there were also others of babies soon after they were born and then as they got older. I studied some of these collages, amazed at how clear the images of the unborn babies were, and at the features that could so easily be seen in the ultrasounds and then in the pictures of the babies after they were born.
"Can I help you?"
The voice pulled me out of my exploration of the pictures and I turned toward the reception desk. A woman stood there now, smiling at me. She wasn't wearing scrubs as I expected her to, but then I reminded myself that this wasn't the hospital or the birthing center. This ultrasound wasn't for any medical purpose. It was purely for the pleasure of seeing my child and being able to surprise the men with a picture of him. I smiled back at her and approach the desk.
"Hi," I said. "I have an appointment."
She glanced at her computer and then back up at me.
"Gabrielle?"
"Yes," I said.
"You can come right with me."
I followed her out of the waiting room and down a short hallway. She gestured into a small room and I stepped inside. There was a sofa to one side and she looked at it briefly before looking back at me.
"Is it just you?" she asked. "You didn't bring anybody along with you?"
I suddenly felt awkward, as though I should have known that this was the type of experience that most people did with their loved ones around them. I wondered if I should have brought along Skylar or even my parents. Almost as soon as that thought came to mind, though, I pushed it away. They still didn't know the truth about the baby and while they were excited at the prospect of having another grandchild, I had started to question whether I had done the right thing by not being upfront with them from the very beginning. This ultrasound was something very precious to me and would be to the men. I didn't want it to be clouded in any way, even if I was the only one who knew. I would rather have this moment for myself and not worry about what anybody else was thinking.
I shook my head as I put my purse down on the sofa, if only so that there was something there and it didn't look so glaringly empty.
"The ultrasound is a surprise Christmas gift," I said.
Her smile widened and she nodded.
"That sounds like a wonderful surprise," she said. She gestured toward a cushioned table that looked very much like the examination table from Nikki's office. "You can go ahead and hop up here and we'll take a look at that baby."
I did as she had instructed and rested back against a pillow that she placed behind my head. She pushed my shirt up to my ribs to reveal the little swell of my belly.
"When are you due?" she asked.
"March," I told her.
Her eyes drifted to my belly and I noticed that they widened slightly.
"Well, it looks like that baby is growing very well."
I felt suddenly self-conscious about my belly. Up until that moment I felt like it was so small, and now I wondered if I have been gaining too much weight or if I was going to be one of those women whose belly threatened to take over her entire body by the time that she gave birth. I had never really thought about it, but I didn't think that I was going to be the type of woman that took too kindly to strangers telling me that I looked like I was about to pop.
"My midwife says that I'm doing fine," I said, hating the fact that I felt like I needed to justify myself to this woman. "She says that I'm healthy."
"Then that's all that matters," she said.
She squeezed a stream of cold blue gel onto my belly and pressed a wand against it. She used the other hand to turn on a screen and adjust it so that it faced her. I watched her face as she moved the wand over my belly, noticing when her expression seemed to brighten. She turned the screen toward me and I felt my breath catch in my throat.
"Wow," I whispered.
It felt ridiculous that that was my reaction, but it was the only word that came to my lips when I looked at the screen and saw the image of my baby. My hand instinctively touched the side of my belly and I felt more than I had before that I was touching my child. Tears started to form in my eyes and as much as I wanted to give the men the surprise of the ultrasound for Christmas, I wished that they were there to experience this moment with me.
"There's your baby," she said. "It looks beautiful. Do you want to hear its heartbeat?"
I nodded and she turned a dial. The sound of the baby's heart filled the room and I smiled even wider. It was the same rapid little beat that I have been listening to for months and that I couldn't wait to hear through the little ones chest when he was in my arms. Suddenly the rhythm changed slightly, seeming to skip and quicken before falling back into the same pattern. I sat up slightly and looked at the woman. I realized then that she hadn't told me her name. That somehow made me feel even more frightened.
"What was that?" I asked. "Why did it sound so strange?"
She shook her head, moving the wand around more and staring at the screen.
"I don't know," she admitted. And she turned to me to offer what I assumed she meant as a comforting smile. "Don't worry," she said. "I've heard baby's heart rhythms change during ultrasounds before. It's not that unusual. You have to remember that this is something that they are not used to experiencing and that they can be stressed out just like we can. You mentioned that you have a midwife. That tells me that you probably haven't had other ultrasounds."
I couldn't tell if she was saying that with any judgment, but I didn't care. All that mattered to me was that she was able to tell me that my baby was safe.
"No," I said. "I haven't. She said that as long as I was healthy and the baby seems healthy that they weren't necessary."
"That's true," she said. "Unless there is something very specific that they are looking for, there really isn't any reason for a midwife or a doctor to do frequent ultrasounds. They're safe, but they can cause some stress to the baby. I'm sure that that is all that's happening right now. Like you said, you are healthy and the baby is healthy. The heartbeat is already gone back to a perfectly normal rhythm. I wouldn't worry about it. Now, do you want to check and see if we can find out what you're having?"
I rested back against the pillow and nodded, telling myself to calm down and enjoy the experience. If she really thought that there was anything wrong, she would have told me that I needed to go to the emergency room. Or at least to see Nikki. She didn't seem at all concerned, and I convinced myself that I shouldn't be either. I looked back at the screen and watched as the image of the baby changed according to where the wand was on my belly. I could see facial features and try to imagine what they would look like after I had given birth.
A moment later, though, the woman said something that wiped that thought out of my mind. It took away all of the images that I had had of my child and of raising it with the brothers. I stared at the screen and then looked at the woman again, wondering if it was possible that I had heard her wrong.
"What did you say?" I asked.
"I said that it looks like you're having a little girl," she said.
"Looks like? What do you mean it looks like?"
She gestured at the screen.
"See right here? These little lines? It looks like you have a little princess growing in there."
"Looks like or is?" I asked.
She looked slightly startled that my reaction.
"It is," she said. "There's always a possibility that I could be wrong, but the ultrasounds are extremely accurate. You're far enough along in your pregnancy that the baby's development is very clear. I would say with absolute certainty that you are definitely having a baby girl."
I felt myself starting to shake. Everything around me seemed to blur and the sound of her voice faded. I tried to process what she had just told me, to let it settle in, but I suddenly felt as though I couldn't breathe. She printed out a few pictures and offered them to me.
"Thank you," I said, my voice is sounding powdery.
"Do you want to keep looking?" she asked. "I can try to get a few more shots of her face."
I shook my head. I reached beside me and took a handful of the paper towels that were on a rack beside the bed. I wiped all of the gel off of my belly and then pulled my shirt down, sitting up after that I forced the wand away from me.
"No," I said. "That's okay. Thank you."
I hopped down off of the bed and slipped back into my jacket, pulling it tightly around myself protectively. The woman turned off the equipment and then walked back into the waiting room, looking confused as I hurriedly paid her and then rushed out of the studio. I put the pictures on the seat next to me and drove until my car seemed to find itself in my old parking place behind the chocolate shop. Away from the prying eyes of the ultrasound technician and anyone else, I turned off the engine of the car and leaned forward so that my head rested on the steering wheel. The tears had started to pour from my eyes and I felt like my chest was crushing, like I couldn't get enough breath into my lungs.
I hated the reaction that I was having. I hated that I felt this way. But this wasn't the way that it was supposed to be. I was supposed to go into that studio and get a picture that would show the men their first image of their son. They had only ever talked about having a little boy and about everything that they wanted to do with him. Instead, though, I had gone in and discovered that the baby I was carrying was a girl. She wasn't what they wanted. She wasn't what they had envisioned when they came up with this plan. They wanted a son so that they could pass along the legacy of their family, not a daughter who would one day get married, change her name, and join the bloodline of a different family. I knew that they would be disappointed as soon as they found out that I wasn't giving them the son that they had praised me so often for giving them. I wasn't creating the dream for them that they wanted so much and that they had shaped their entire future around.
I reached over and picked up the ultrasound pictures. I rested them all on the steering wheel so that I could look at them. She was so beautiful. I traced the edge of her face with my fingertip and then let it run along the curve of her spine. She was perfect, everything that she should be. I loved her even more then than I had in any other moment of my pregnancy and I knew that she was worth so much more than the disappointment that would come from her fathers. She had been crafted to be exactly what she was and entrusted to me to grow and deliver and raise. And I knew with absolute confidence in that moment that was exactly what I was going to do. I didn't need the men. I didn't need the lavish lifestyle that they had offered to me. What they had given me already was mine and it was plenty to start over and without them and give my daughter a life of love and protection.
Drying my tears, I placed the ultrasounds back on the seat beside me and started back toward the Griffin house. I knew that the men weren't going to be home yet, and that was what I was relying on. I didn't want them there. I didn't want to see them again. It would make this much too hard. In my heart all I wanted was to surround myself in them and lose myself in the feelings that had been growing between us. In my mind, though, I knew that that was not an option. Regardless of how I felt about them, at its very core this was little more than a business arrangement and they had had their expectations. Now that those expectations had not been fulfilled, I knew that what we had been building could no longer exist. Despite the relationship that I felt was forming, there had been no promises. There had been no declarations. There had been no commitments. Nothing had changed about the agreement. This was still about them having the child that they needed to carry on their family legacy. Having a daughter wouldn't do that for them, but that didn't mean that they couldn't still accomplish what they wanted. If they no longer had to worry about me or this baby, they could pretend like it never happened and could go back to finding another woman.
When I got back to the house I moved as quickly as I could, packing as much as I thought that I could fit in the car. I avoided any of the staff, not wanting any questions, and when I was finished I allowed myself only a few moments to stand in the middle of the entryway, looking around. I took in the exquisite home, remembering the happy memories that I had the opportunity to make here. I would always treasure those memories. I would always cherish the time that I had gotten to spend with each of the incredible men who lived here. I wanted them to have everything that they wanted and the life that they saw for themselves. I knew that was what meant the most to them and that if I was to stay, I would be asking them to compromise, to settle on something that they didn't want just to preserve my own feelings. I couldn't do that to them.
I walked into the study and took a notepad out of the drawer in the desk. I sat down in the green leather chair, trying not to think of the way that that leather felt against my skin and the smell of it combined with Lucas. I wrote a quick, simple note and left it in the middle of the desk. I didn't want to just disappear, but I also didn't want to give them any more information than I thought was absolutely necessary. I took a final look around the house and then walked out of the front door, closing it behind me end ending that chapter of my life.