Nobody's Fantasy by Louise Hall (2)

“We both know you’d never do that.”

“Yeah?”

“You like my brother too much to make his head explode.” She looks at me, “You don’t just like him though, do you? You’ve fallen in love with him.”

Gah, where did this come from? How did we go from nipple piercings to the l-word?

Before I can answer, the Ink’s phone rings.

By the time I’ve finished on the phone, the door swings open again and Chloe walks out followed by Emmy and Zev.

He isn’t looking at me and I swear to goodness that if he put even the tip of his finger on Chloe I’ll do more than just throat-punch him. I’m not sure what more actually entails but I figure it will come to me really quickly if I discover he touched another woman.

After Maggie, Chloe and the two boys leave the Ink, Emmy takes her lunch break so it’s just me and Zev.

“You’re cute when you’re feisty,” he smirks.

“Promise me you didn’t touch her,” I ask. I hate that I sound so vulnerable.

Zev comes up and spins me around on the stool so I’m facing him. He brushes my fringe out of my eyes, “I told you I’m not a cheater, Jane.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I insist. “I know you’re a good guy but Emmy might have let you do some of it and I don’t like the thought of you touching another woman even if it’s your job.”

He gives me a hug which makes me feel strong again. “I was purely an observer, I promise.”

 

After discussing it with Zev, I’ve opted for a horizontal piercing with an implantation steel barbell because it’s less likely to get ripped out than a ring and even though I don’t play contact sports anymore, the thought of ripping out my piercing grosses me out.

It’s a Thursday night after closing so we’re alone as I follow him into the back room.

I’ve already taken off my bra but I’m wearing a plaid shirt so I only have to expose one boob at a time.

I hop up on to Zev’s chair and reach for the top button of my shirt. Out of nowhere, I get a really bad case of the what the heck are you doings?

“Jane?”

Zev comes over and he hasn’t started prepping his equipment yet so he caresses my cheek with his warm, strong hand and it helps to calm me down a little.

“It’s OK if you’ve changed your mind.”

I’m not nervous about the actual piercings; it’s more the whole Zev seeing my boobs thing because although I like my boobs, they’re not exactly huge. I hate feeling so pathetic but what if he doesn’t like them?

“You’re going to see parts of me that haven’t been seen before,” I remind him.

Zev reaches up and tugs off his t-shirt, exposing his bare chest. “Does this make you feel better?”

“No because you know you’re drool-worthy whereas I’m…”

“Gorgeous,” Zev breathes. He puts his hands over mine and together we unbutton my shirt right down to my waist.

“OK,” I gulp, “but you’ve got to promise you won’t laugh at me.”

Of course, he busts out laughing straight away.

“Hey,” I frown.

“I’m going to see my girl’s boobs for the first time. You really think I’m going to laugh, hot stuff?”

“Fine,” I whip open the shirt before I can think twice about it, exposing my right boob.

Zev reverently cradles my boob in his hand and marks the two sides of my suddenly very awake nipple with ink as a guide for when he does the actual piercing. He then applies lidocaine to the area to help reduce pain while the piercing process is done.

To distract myself from the whole visible boob situation, I watch as Zev washes his hands, slips on a pair of latex gloves and double-checks his equipment is sterilised. He sits down on the stool in front of me and his concentration is something else. He tugs his lip ring into his mouth as he sterilises my nipple to reduce the risk of it getting infected. He then uses a clamp to pull my skin and a needle to punch through the dotted marks on my nipple. I should probably look away but I watch as he attaches the steel barbell, removes the needle and then secures and locks it. My right boobs sags with relief when he gently cleans the area and puts on the small bandage.

My left boob is being a wuss in anticipation but after the quick pain from the pinch of the needle, it wasn’t actually that bad.

After he’s finished and both boobs are pierced and bandaged up, they feel warm and tender but they’re not painful.

I hold off on fastening up my shirt again so I can look at myself in the full-length mirror. With the bandages on, it’s not that different from wearing a skimpy bikini. Zev is busy disposing of the needles in the ‘biohazard’ container.

I’m not ruling out getting more tattoos and piercings in the future but I feel like my nipple piercings are the final pieces of the jigsaw. When I look at my body now, I’m not solely defined by my lack of toes and calf muscle anymore. I’m alive with ink and metal from the little Manchester bee on my foot right up to the lotus flower on the back of my neck which celebrates that I’ve come through the mud of depression after my accident and I’m blossoming here in Oahu.

 

LOLA

 

“So…” Zev comes up and wraps his arms around me. We’ve both got the afternoon off from the Ink and so we’ve left our little corner of Oahu and ventured into the more touristy area so nobody can gossip about what we’re going to do. Unfortunately that means that I’ve had to cover up Tony again and the thick padded leggings and chunky trainers are a nightmare in the insane heatwave we’re having.

“So…?” I pretend not to know what he’s asking about.

He grunts, “were you ever going to tell me that it’s your birthday on Wednesday?”

I like teasing him way too much, “maybe?” I tap my finger on my chin.

“That’s not a good enough answer, hot stuff.”

“OK,” I turn around to face him, “I might have done, if it came up.”

“Why would it not come up?” Zev scowls.

“I don’t know,” I roll my eyes, “sheesh, what’s with all the heavy stuff?”

“Have you seen where we are right now?” Zev lowers his voice. We’re at the pharmacy buying condoms.

That’s right; we’re finally going to do the deed tonight. I’ve known that I was ready for a while but I still had to convince Zev and he was a much tougher sell. He’s such a gentleman that it’s adorable and frustrating in equal measures.

“It’s not like it’s a big birthday with a five or a zero at the end, chill out.”

“It is a big deal,” Zev huffs, folding his arms across his chest. He’s annoyed because he slept over last night but Mats was home and the house hadn’t gotten any bigger so much to my frustration, all we’d done was sleep again! So he’d been with me when I’d found the birthday cards from my aunts and uncles in our mailbox. I thanked the heavens that they’d followed the memo that I’m going by Jane now instead of Lola.

“We’re going to do this, Jane and until this morning I didn’t even know that it was your birthday in two days.”

When we get back to his apartment, Danny is there which finally kills off the mood which had slowly been dying in the quiet car ride home. Zev is so annoyed with me right now that I figure there’s more chance of the condoms we just bought being used to make water balloons than there is of us bumping uglies any time soon.

“I know,” Danny holds his hands up when he sees us. He’d said yesterday that he was going to spend the night at his girlfriend, Kristy’s. “You guys wanted the place to yourselves but can we take a rain check? I’ve had a hellish day.”

I’m wondering if that’s just an excuse because I get the feeling that Danny doesn’t like me all that much.

At that moment, there’s a bright flash of lightning followed by a loud rumble of thunder. I have to really fight the urge to throw myself under the dining table. I’ve never been a huge fan of thunderstorms.

I’ve never told him but as if he can tell what I’m thinking, Zev wraps his arms around me, soothing me with his warmth. He’s so big and strong, there’s no way anything could ever get at me when I’m in his arms.

“You’re still staying over tonight, hot stuff.”

“You’re bossy,” I protest but I’m relieved because there’s no way I want to venture out into the Armageddon that’s going on outside the front door.

We leave Danny shovelling cereal into his mouth at the kitchen counter and go to Zev’s bedroom. I grab his t-shirt from the chair and slip it on. I love wearing his clothes; besides the fact that they smell like him which is awesome, nothing makes me feel more girly than being swamped in one of Zev’s t-shirts.

After I’ve brushed my teeth and texted my brother that I’m OK, I curl up in Zev’s bed but he doesn’t join me straight away. I’m crazy tired, it’s like I’ve just finished getting a tattoo. I’d got so hyped up about losing my v-card tonight and now that I know it’s not going to happen, I’m feeling the adrenaline crash.

Zev rubs circles on my gammy calf. “I know you’re disappointed, hot stuff.” He looks at the pack of condoms we bought at the pharmacy which are still sat on his dresser. “I am too.”

“It’s OK,” I put my hand over his. “The stars will align eventually otherwise I’ll just climb you like a tree in the storage room at the Ink.”

Zev chuckles, “we’d probably get caught by Emmy.”

“At least she’d have an excuse then for being such a grump.” I can’t keep my eyes open any longer.

 

ZEV

 

The next morning, Jane starts work at 9am but I’m not on the roster until lunchtime. She grumbles when I wake her up because my girl loves her sleep but she drags her cute little butt into the shower while I go into the kitchen to make her breakfast.

I’m waiting for the coffee to brew and drumming my fingers on the countertop when Danny walks in. I can tell straight away that he’s annoyed with me. “Did you tell her yet?” he jerks his head towards the bathroom where we can still hear the shower running.

“Not yet.”

“Huh,” he grunts.

“Why is it such a big deal to you?”

Danny shoves my shoulder, “that girl is falling for you and you’re not giving her all the facts.”

He’s still in a grump when Jane joins us in the kitchen. “Mm,” she wraps her hands around the coffee mug, “I could definitely get used to this.” She loves her coffee but she doesn’t drink it at home because her brother prefers herbal tea.

“I’m going back to bed,” Danny grunts.

“Did I do something to annoy him?” Jane asks. She looks really concerned. “I just really like coffee. I wasn’t planning on moving in or anything.”

I wrap my arms around her waist and kiss the top of her head, “Nah, just ignore him.” I gesture towards the window, it’s still drizzling a little outside. “I think he’s allergic to rain or something. It always puts him in a bad mood.”

“He’d hate Manchester then,” Jane laughs, “this would be classed as a summer’s day back home.”

In a lot of ways she’s so American that I forget sometimes that she was actually born in England.

“Do you miss it?” I ask as we head downstairs to the parking lot.

“Manchester?” she asks, taking another sip from her travel mug. “Yeah, I think wherever I go, I’ll always miss it because it’s my blood, you know? I’m sure you felt like that about Oahu when you were in L.A.” She looks down at the worker bee tattooed on her foot. “Most Americans when they go to England, they go to London and maybe Oxford and they say they’ve “done England” but Manchester’s such an amazing city. It’s got all this amazing history and culture. It’s been attacked twice in modern times and each time they’ve rebuilt and become stronger. I’d love to take you there one day.” Her eyes shine so brightly when she talks about her hometown that it’s hard not to share her abundant enthusiasm.

“I’d like that,” I smile as I start the engine.

“Plus you would freak the heck out of my Granny Jean.”

“Why?” I pretend to be insulted, “has she got something against gorgeous Hawaiian hunks?”

“Ha,” Jane giggles, “I think she’d give me a high five for bagging such a hottie – my aunt Sinead definitely would, it’s actually the tattoos she’d have a problem with. She could barely handle it when my dad got his second one. I can’t even imagine what she’d say if she saw the two of us together.”

“Has she seen you since you moved here to Oahu?” I gesture to the visible tattoos and piercings marking her skin.

Jane shakes her head, “I’ve been too chicken so I’ve used the time difference as an excuse for why I can’t Skype with her.”

“So if you went back to Manchester, you’d have to cover yourself from head to toe the whole time you were there?”

Jane rolls her eyes, “not everywhere is like Oahu, OK? It wouldn’t matter what time of year I went back there, it would probably be so cold and wet that I’d gladly volunteer to cover myself from head to toe.”

“Hey, I thought you were trying to encourage me to go with you next time?”

“It’s still a great city, it’s just usually really freaking wet.”

As she’s about to climb out of the car, I pull her back for one more kiss. “I’ll see you at lunchtime, hot stuff.”

“You might,” she teases, slipping out of my grasp. “I like a guy who can actually follow through.”

Ugh, as if Danny’s foul mood this morning wasn’t enough of an incentive, the thought of what she and I could have been doing last night is a reminder that I really needed to get my own place.

 

LOLA

 

Mid-morning, I take advantage of the lull in clients to restock each of the back rooms at the Ink. I know it’s going to annoy Emmy but I can’t help it, I’m in such a good mood that I hum along to “Killer Queen” while I work. We’re running low on latex gloves so I make a note to order more.

It’s hot so I’m taking advantage of the Ink’s lack of a dress code and I’m wearing a cut-off white t-shirt and a blue denim skirt. I like this outfit because it shows off a little of my midriff and my cute hip dermals.

“When you’ve finished in here,” Shanks asks, “can you help me find out when Staci’s booked in for her next appointment?”

Shanks is an amazing tattoo artist but the biggest technophobe you could ever imagine. I think there are nonagerians who’ve got better computer skills than Shanks.

“Sure, I just need to finish up in here before Emmy’s next appointment arrives and then I’ll be right with you.”

Emmy joins us, “we’re running low on gloves, Jane.”

“I’ll put an order in as soon as I’m back at the front desk,” I reassure her.

“So,” Shanks is still leaning on the doorframe, “Rusty says it’s your birthday tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

I’ve got my back to them but Zev must have joined them because Shanks says, “I hope you’ve got your girlfriend something fancy for her birthday, Zev.”

“Zev already gave me my present.”

“Oh yeah?” Shanks raises an eyebrow, “what did my boy here get you?”

“I wanted three things for my birthday this year. I wanted to get these pierced.” I look down at my boobs which underneath my t-shirt and bra are now adorned with cute barbells.

Zev growls because he still doesn’t like the fact that he only found out that it was my birthday tomorrow by accident. “I don’t think it really counts if I didn’t know I was giving you a present. Besides, most girls just want jewellery; they don’t actually want me to poke holes in their skin so they can wear it too.”

“I’m not most girls,” I remind him.

“Ugh, you’re obsessed with pain,” Emmy snarks.

I spin around and I must be feeling uber-brave because I give her my infamous death-glare. I’m not going to let her turn my birthday gift into something weird. “No, I’m not unless you hadn’t finished talking and you really meant to say, I’m obsessed with pain au chocolat because you’re right, I do love a croissant.”

I might be addicted to getting tattoos and piercings but it’s not about the pain. They’ve helped me to see strength and beauty whereas before all I saw was ugliness and failure. When I first came here to Oahu, I covered myself up all the time with padded leggings and chunky trainers trying to hide my disability but now I’m wearing a short skirt and sandals and my scarred legs and missing toes are on full display.

My ink and piercings aren’t a fetish; they’re freaking miracle-workers.

 

ZEV

 

“So…” I’ve just finished cleaning up after my last client when Jane wraps her arms around my neck. “I was thinking that since you’re so obsessed with my birthday tomorrow, you might want to be with me when the clock strikes midnight tonight?”

I turn around so I’m facing her, my hands falling to her hips. The pads of my thumbs rub over the dermals I’ve given her. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she laughs and I swear it’s my favourite sound in the whole world. “I was chatting to Vada at lunchtime and Mats is going to be spending the night at hers so we’ll have the whole place to ourselves.”

“I definitely like the sound of that.” I brush my lips against hers and she shivers as the metal of my lip ring snags against her bottom lip for a second.

“I thought you might,” she moves closer, pressing her body against mine. “Do we need to swing by your place on the way to get some condoms?”

I reach behind my back and pluck out my wallet, “I come prepared, m’lady.” I’ve kept a couple of condoms stashed there just in case my girl decided to follow through on her threat to jump me in the storage room.

She lets go of me and does this adorable little jig. “What are you so giddy about, hot stuff?” I laugh because I can’t help it, she makes me so happy.

“I’m getting my second birthday present. I’m not going to be a virgin anymore.”

 

LOLA

 

I think we’re still at PG-13 level; Zev’s got his shirt off and his hands are under my t-shirt but over the top of my bra when I hear very familiar voices that should be a couple of thousand miles away in Seattle on the front porch.

“Shoot,” I regretfully scramble off Zev’s lap and hobble over to the window. “What’s my family doing here?” I love them to bits but they have the worst possible timing ever.

Zev gets up off the bed and comes and joins me looking out of the window. I expect him to be mad but he just kind of adjusts the front of his jeans a little and then laughs. “I guess they thought your birthday was a big deal too.”

And that’s why I love him. Whoa, where the heck did that come from? Before I can analyse my free and easy use of the l-word, the front door swings open and I can hear Mum calling my name. Double shoot, my real name and not the name that Zev knows me by. I grab the door handle before Zev can step out into the hallway knowing that with every second I delay the more chance there is that my parents will catch me and Zev in my bedroom together and even though they can’t technically ground me anymore, it would still be way too awkward.

“What is it?” Zev asks, “do you want me to climb out the window?”

“No,” I laugh at the idea. “I want you to meet my family but there’s something you should know first.”

“OK?”

I let it all out in a rush, “my name’s not really Jane, well it is but it’s my middle name, the name that those crazy people downstairs are going to call me is Lola.”

Before Zev can reply, I hear Mum’s voice from the bottom of the stairs. “Where is she? I thought you said she was definitely going to be home tonight, Mats?” Yeah, thanks for the heads up, baby brother.

I reach for the door handle again and I’m suddenly filled with doubt, maybe he doesn’t want to meet my family. I know we’d been about to have sex but meeting the parents is still a momentous step. “You can still climb out the window,” I joke, “escape from the insanity while you still can.”

Zev wraps my hand up in his, “I want to meet them, Lola.” It’s so weird hearing him call me that for the first time.

Mum and Sierra are halfway up the stairs when I open my bedroom door. “There you are,” Mum gives me a big hug and I try really hard not to cry because I’ve missed her so much.

Sierra is more focused on Zev. “Is that your boyfriend?”

“Oh,” Mum gets a bit flustered, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there. I’m Cate, Lola’s mum.” She offers her hand and Zev shakes it like a gentleman.

“Hi, I’m Zev, Lola’s boyfriend.”

I don’t even get to enjoy the fact that Zev said he was my boyfriend because I hear somebody loudly clear their throat and when I look down at the bottom of the stairs, Dad and Mats are there. I glare at my brother before looking over at Dad. You know how when cats gets freaked out all their fur stands on end, making them appear like double their normal size. I swear that’s what’s just happened to my dad. He definitely heard Zev just introduce himself as my boyfriend.

It might seem strange given that he and Mum suggested that I move to Hawaii but they are crazy-protective and I know that Dad’s going to have a really hard time with me having a boyfriend. He used to joke when I was younger that I wasn’t allowed to date until I was at least thirty-five, which seems like a really arbitrary number but anyway. It was bad enough when I was dating Noah, who he’d known since he was a baby but now I’m dating a total stranger, his craziness is going to be off the charts.

“It’s good to meet you, Mr Warner,” Zev offers his hand to my dad. “I’m Zev.”

Dad shakes his hand because he’s not rude but I can tell he’s suspicious about Zev.

Dinner isn’t as awkward as it could have been, perhaps because Sierra’s tired from the long flight and so she’s being a brat which draws some of the attention away from me and Zev. Mum’s being awesome and trying to get to know Zev without making him feel uncomfortable while I make it perfectly clear to my traitor of a brother that we will definitely be having words about his part in this sneak family attack.

After we’ve finished eating, I walk Zev outside. “Why did you let me call you Jane all those months? I feel like a fool.” I hate seeing him look so unhappy.

“You’re not,” I reach up and stroke my hand down his stubbly cheek. “Jane is who I am now. Lola was a girl with dreams of becoming a footballer. Jane is a blank space that I’m still trying to figure out.” Although that’s a lie because these last few months with Zev, I’ve started to feel less and less like a blank space. I’ve built a great life here in Hawaii, I’ve got friends and a job and my body isn’t just defined by my lack of toes and calf muscle anymore, It’s alive with ink and metal.

“I guess I can understand that. I don’t know what I should call you now?”

I give him a playful wink, “I kind of like hot stuff.”

Zev chuckles, “perhaps not around your parents though?” He looks behind me and I can tell that at least one member of my family is probably spying on us.

“Yeah, maybe not.” I know if my dad’s watching us right now, it’s probably going to make his head explode but I can’t not kiss Zev.

 

LOLA

 

Later that night, I’m upstairs in my bedroom but it’s not the biggest house in the world and so I can still hear Mum and Dad talking downstairs in the kitchen.

“Are you going to tell Lo?” Dad asks. My ears prick up at the sound of my name.

“I don’t know,” Mum sighs. I forget my curiosity about whatever it is they’re trying to decide whether or not to tell me for a second because I really hate hearing her sound so upset. It’s one of the reasons why I agreed to come to Hawaii in the first place so she wouldn’t have to watch me try and figure things out. “I don’t like keeping secrets from her, Kian. Zev seems like a decent guy. He’s turned his life around after what happened but there’s definitely something shady about the fact that he hasn’t told Lola or Mats about it.”

“Do you want me to have a word with him?” Dad asks.

“No,” Mum says. “I can’t say anything tomorrow anyway, I don’t want to ruin Lola’s birthday.”

In that moment, I realise how little I really know about Zev. I feel foolish and I don’t like it. I mean, if they hadn’t turned up when they did, Zev might still be here in my bed and things would be a thousand times more complicated. Why does this always happen? I swear it’s like the universe is hell-bent on stopping me losing my v-card. I suppose I should be thankful that at least this time I didn’t lose any body parts.

I try to go to sleep but whatever it is that Mum knows about Zev is keeping me awake. It must be having the same effect on her because when I go downstairs, I see that she’s sat out on the front porch. I quietly open the screen door so as not to startle her or wake up Mats who’s asleep on the couch. I take a moment to gloat about the fact that the little traitor is going to be so sore when he wakes up tomorrow morning.

“Hey, baby girl,” she beams at me and I might be a grown up but all I really want is my mum.

I take a big gulp of air. “I heard you and Dad talking before. You said you know something about Zev…?”

To her credit, Mum doesn’t even try to lie to me. She turns to face me and brushes my fringe out of my eyes. “Are you sure you want to hear this from me? It seems like it’s the kind of thing Zev should tell you himself. I’ve only got the facts but he can provide you with the context.”

“Mum?”

This time it’s Mum that takes a big gulp of breath. “I take it Zev’s told you how he lost his leg?” she asks.

“He said he was in a car accident. Is that not true?” I ask hesitantly.

“No, it’s true. Did he say anything else?”

“He doesn’t like to talk about it.” I completely understand because I’m lucky that the last thing I remember before my accident was walking back from the pharmacy with Noah after we’d said goodbye to our parents. The next thing I woke up in a hospital bed minus the toes on my right foot and a good chunk of my calf muscle. I have nightmares based on what I’ve been told happened, screeching brakes and all that jazz but I don’t have flashbacks.

Mum closes her eyes and I can tell it’s going to be bad even before she says anything. “The night of his accident… He was driving and he was three times over the legal limit.”

My first thought after she’s dropped that bombshell is that I want to bust out laughing because in all the time we’ve spent together, I’ve never seen him take even a sip of alcohol. He told me when we played mini-golf with Mats and Vada that he gave up drinking when he left L.A. Maybe I should have thought more of it but Mats and I don’t drink so it didn’t seem like a big deal.

An awful thought crosses my mind. “Did he... was anybody else hurt?”

Mum shakes her head.

At first I’m relieved and but then very quickly I get angry.

Why wouldn’t he tell me?

It’s the deception that really claws at me. He was so annoyed that I didn’t tell him it was my birthday and I’d given him my middle name and yet all this time he’s been keeping something so fundamentally important from me. I lost my dreams and half my toes because of a drunk driver and now I’ve almost lost my heart to another?

Mum puts her hand over the top of mine and gives it a squeeze. “You need to talk to him, Lola.”

I know I need to talk to him but I also know that I’m way too angry to do it tonight.

Dad appears in the doorway, “is everything OK?” I’m not surprised that he’s still awake. He and Mum have this weird bond like they can’t sleep properly if they’re not with each other. I can see from the way his fists are clenched that he knows Mum’s just told me about Zev’s drink-driving.

“I’m going inside. I’ve got a lot to think about.” I kiss Mum’s cheek and pat Dad’s shoulder as I walk past. When I turn around again, Dad’s taken my place on the chair next to Mum and has lifted her up into his lap.

I have to walk past Mats to get to the stairs and it might be childish but I can’t help thinking that a bad back in the morning isn’t a hefty enough price to pay for not letting me know that our parents were planning on coming to Oahu to surprise me for my birthday so I reach over and gently lift his wrist up from on top of the duvet. I love my parents but if they were still back where they belong in Seattle, I wouldn’t have to deal with the truth about Zev so I dip Mats’ finger in the two-thirds full glass of water he’s left on the coffee table. Ha, it’ll serve him right if he’s peed himself when he wakes up tomorrow.

 

ZEV

 

Rusty insists that Lola shouldn’t have to work on her birthday, especially since her parents and younger sister are only in Oahu for a couple of days because her sister is in her last year of high school. I’ve switched shifts with Shanks so I can finish up at a reasonable hour and I’ve just finished cleaning up after my last customer when there’s a knock at the door.

I spin around; ready to growl at whomever it is that I’m busy. Lola’s leaning on the doorframe. I don’t like it that I can’t read the expression on her face. “Can we talk?”

“Happy birthday,” I smile. I still think it’s a good thing that she’s stopped by to see me on her birthday.

She closes the door behind her but doesn’t move much further into the room. It’s like she wants to stay as close to her escape route as possible.

“I heard something last night and I figured that after everything, I owe you the chance to explain.”

My stomach plummets to the floor. “Lola…?” I reach out to try and touch her but she dodges out of the way. I’ve known her as Jane for so long that her real name still feels like a marble rattling around inside my mouth.

She looks up at me and I can’t miss the hurt in her big, black eyes. “Is it true?”

I don’t need to ask what she’s heard. “Yes.”

“You lost your leg because you were driving drunk?”

I nod.

She reaches up and slaps me hard across the face. The harsh sound reverberates around the small room.

She looks down at her hand which must be stinging because she gave me quite a belt. She’s shocked by what she’s just done.

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?” she challenges, “the fact that you got behind the wheel of a car when you were three times over the legal limit or that you’ve lied to me about it this whole time?”

“Both.”

I desperately need to hold her but she dodges out of my way again. “Please,” I beg, “I made a mistake and I know it could have been a thousand times worse but I’ve paid for that mistake every single day, I promise you.”

“No,” Lola shakes her head, “you haven’t paid for anything. You might have lost your leg but you’ve got an amazing life here in Hawaii, surrounded by your friends and family and with your dream job as a tattoo artist. You might think you feel guilty but it’s people like me that pay the real price for your crime. I didn’t do anything wrong that night, Zev. I didn’t get drunk and think that it was a good idea to get behind the wheel of a car. I didn’t do anything wrong and yet… Noah wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was also one of my best friends and I haven’t talked to him since I woke up in the hospital, I moved thousands of miles away from most of my family so they wouldn’t have to watch me struggle and I lost the one thing I’d always wanted which was to be a footballer.”

I try one last time and she isn’t quick enough so I haul her against me. She’s so familiar to me now, her gentle curves fit perfectly against my hard planes and I wish more than anything that I could take away her pain. Her fists pound at my chest but I don’t flinch, I’ll take it.

“You were the only person in my life that didn’t pity me, that didn’t define me by what I used to be, what I used to have. You made me feel like I could transform all of the ugliness into beauty.” She gestures to the ink, my ink, which marks her skin. “But it was all a lie, you pitied me more than any of them. The only reason you wanted to even know me was because of the accident, because of what I’d lost, because you felt guilty that you could have done it to somebody else. That’s all I am to you, isn’t it? A chance for you to make amends.”

“No,” I bury my fingers in her black hair, tilting her head back. “No, please, I swear I don’t pity you. You are one of the strongest people I’ve ever met, Lola.”

“For a cripple, you mean,” she laughs bitterly.

“Don’t say that.” She struggles free of my grasp and I desperately sink to my knees, my hands gripping her hips, “you’re smart, funny and incredibly sexy.”

“Oh my goodness, I’m such an idiot,” Lola gasps. “That’s why you wouldn’t take things further, isn’t it? Because it’s one thing to make the deformed girl feel beautiful but it’s quite another to actually have sex with her, isn’t it?”

She turns and runs out of the door but I sprint after her. I don’t want her to leave when she’s so upset.

There’s nobody waiting for her so she walks towards the road. No way in hell I’m letting her walk home alone.

“Leave me alone, Zev,” Lola snarls as I pull up alongside her in my car. “Go and find another charity case.”

“Get in the car,” I growl. The sidewalks are patchy in this part of Oahu. If she wasn’t so consumed with her anger for me, she’d be freaking out.

“Ha,” she scoffs, “the very last thing I’m ever going to do is get in a car with you, Mr Drunk Driver.”

That stings but I refuse to let her push me away. “Fine,” I slam on the brakes and get out of the car. I can tell that her foot’s already hurting by the way she’s limping so I lift her up and throw her stubborn ass over my shoulder.

“Put me down,” she yells, thumping my back hard enough to leave bruises.

“I’ll put you down,” I yell right back as I dump her on the passenger seat, “when I get you home.”

“How do I know you haven’t been drinking?” Lola folds her arms across her chest.

“Have you ever seen me with a drink, hot stuff?”

“Don’t you dare call me that?” Lola narrows her eyes at me. “Besides, I’m not with you twenty four seven, maybe you’re one of those drunks that keeps bottles of vodka in their underwear drawer.”

“The only thing I keep in my underwear drawer is underwear.” I know Lola is too angry to hear me right now but I need her to know one thing. “I haven’t had even a sip of alcohol since the accident, I swear on Louis’s life.”

At least she knows me well enough to know I would never lie to her in my nephew’s name.

 

I haven’t slept all night and when I get to the Ink the next morning, Rusty tells me that Lola is flying back to Seattle with her family this morning. She called him late last night and asked for a week’s leave so she could figure things out.

I’ve got this really bad feeling in my gut that if she gets on that plane – despite the fact that her brother’s here and she’s only asked for a week’s leave – she won’t come back to Oahu and we’ll be kaput so I race out of the Ink and am halfway to my car when the second biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life decides to reappear.

I wouldn’t have even acknowledged Sam except for the fact that she’s stood right in front of my car door.

She’s gotten thinner since I last saw her, too thin except for the fake boobs plastered to her chest. She’s wearing a white vest and a pair of coochie-cutter denim shorts. I can tell she’s not wearing a bra because I can see her nipples. I smile for a moment thinking that if Lola heard me describe her like that, she’d tell me off for slut-shaming. But I’m not judging Sam, in the industry that she’s in; her look right now is probably akin to a uniform.

When we first got together, in high school, she was a sweetheart, blonde hair, blue eyes, cute butt and the huskiest laugh I’d ever heard but then she got a part in a low budget film that was shooting here in Oahu. The film did way better than expected at the box office. It even won a couple of minor awards. She signed with an agent and persuaded me to move to L.A. with her after we graduated. I didn’t mind too much because I’d managed to finagle an apprenticeship at a tattoo shop in L.A. so it wasn’t like I’d just be hanging around waiting for her to come home every night.

Away from Hawaii and the risk of my parents’ disapproval, I got really into tattoos. Her agents might have been marketing her as a girl next door type but she loved my bad-boy image, begging me to come to all these Hollywood parties with her so she could network. She’d be all over me on the red carpets for the photographers and then she’d ditch me as soon as we got inside. I knew she was losing weight but she was too tired for sex so I didn’t know how bad it was until I came home and caught her snorting cocaine with a few of her friends right off our coffee table.

I might be covered in tattoos but I don’t do drugs, never have, never will so I packed up most of my stuff and left that night. I spent the next couple of weeks crashing on the sofa of one of the guys who worked at the tattoo shop with me. I only went back to our rented house in Venice Beach to pick up the last of my stuff. Her agent was there but he persuaded me to stay for one last drink with them – I realised later that he must have spiked my drink because it wasn’t enough to put me three times over the limit. He’d always thought that I was a good influence on Sam and I think he hoped that if she and I had sex again, I’d agree to move back in and keep an eye on her. It didn’t work; all that happened was that I got in a car accident, lost my leg. Sam used it to her advantage though – she sobbed to reporters that the reason she’d been so erratic on set recently wasn’t because she was coked up to the eyeballs but because she’d been trying to help me with my drink problem. If I hadn’t been in so much pain, I’d have laughed out loud when I read that b-s.

“What do you want, Sam?”

“I’m filming a TV show nearby and thought I’d stop by and see how you’re doing?”

“I’m peachy,” I snap.

She slips her small hands under the hem of my t-shirt and it makes me jump because her fingers are freezing cold.

“I missed you, baby,” she purrs, rubbing her fake boobs against my chest.

“I’ve got to go.”

“I know you were mad about the coke but I’ve stopped doing all of that. I went to rehab.” I scoff because I know full well that the only rehab she ever went to was with a group of other z-list celebrities, filmed for TV and she only agreed to do it because she got paid a lot of money and she needed the attention. “I’m a good girl now.”

Good is the very last word I (and most movie reviewers – I never read them but Emmy likes to pin them up on the noticeboard at the Ink if they’re really scathing. If you think she’s snarky towards Lola, you should have seen what she was like with Sam towards the end of our relationship) would ever use to describe my manipulative ex-girlfriend.

“We were good together, Zev.” I put my hands on her hips ready to move her to one side so I can get in my car but I’m shocked by how bony she is now. It feels like I’m holding a bag of rocks rather than the sensual curves of a woman.

She brushes her lips against mine; they’re cold and hard (probably on intimate terms with a whole host of L.A. plastic surgeons just like the rest of her). In the millisecond before I push her away, I hear a click and a gasp and when I turn around, I see Vada looking at me open-mouthed. She sometimes stops by the Ink to bring breakfast for all of us.

Sam, like the classy girl she is, rummages in her tight vest and pulls out a hotel key card. It’s gross and sweaty but before I can refuse, she’s shoving it in the front pocket of my jeans and sashaying away like she can’t fathom any possible outcome other than me trailing after her like a darn lapdog.

I yank open my car door, annoyed with myself for losing those crucial seconds in my quest to get to Lola and I’m just about to haul ass out of the parking lot when Vada stops me. “She’s gone already,” she yells.

“What?” The squeal of the brakes makes us both wince.

“Mats dropped them off at the airport a couple of hours ago.”

“No!” I punch the steering wheel as hard as I can.

Vada still looks anxious. “What is it, smurf?”

“I, uh… wasn’t the only one who saw whatever that was with Sam just now.”

My head jerks around so fast I could have sworn I was the Exorcist, “you said she’s gone?”

“She is but her brother isn’t. Mats saw you. He left before I could explain the full history between you and Sam.”

“Let me get this straight? Her brother came back from dropping his sister off at the airport to find me already kissing another girl?”

“I’m sure if you just explain to him about your history with Sam. That’s all it was, right? History? It was just her playing another one of her games with you because she can’t get decent acting roles anymore and so she’s had to resort to reality TV.”

“You really think that I’d ditch Lola to be with somebody like Sam?”

 

It takes me a while to rearrange my appointments because as much as I need to be with Lola, I still want to have a job to come back to here in Oahu but I book my flight to Seattle for Sunday morning.

That need becomes even more urgent when I look down at one of the newsstands in the airport and see a blurry photo of me and Sam on the front cover of one of the trashy magazines. I’m grateful that they don’t print my name. If you didn’t know me, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell that it’s me but if you’re Lola, you’re definitely going to know especially since her brother’s probably already given her the heads up that he caught me making out with another woman.

I’m waiting to board when I see Mateo. I jump up, hoping to try and talk to him before he gets on the plane but he’s in first-class so he’s swept straight through while I’m penned back with the rest of the cattle class passengers. I make my way up to the gate. I’ve probably got enough on my credit card for an upgrade but unfortunately the lady says that they’re fully-booked.

 

When we land in Seattle, I grab a taxi and give the driver the address details I stole from Rusty’s employee files. If Lola hadn’t wanted me to find her, she shouldn’t have given her parents’ address when she applied to work at the Ink.

When I get there, I’m surprised that her folks live in a gated community. I mean she’d mentioned that her dad used to be a professional soccer player and had even represented England at the World Cup but they hadn’t seemed hoity-toity like most of the rich people I knew back home. When we’d had dinner together the night before Lola’s birthday, they’d seemed nice and normal.

The guard at the station says he’ll call up to the Warner’s house because I’m not on the approved list and my heart sinks. There’s no way I’m getting through.

There’s no answer so I ask if I can leave a message for Lola, telling her I’m here in Seattle and I really need to talk to her.

I come back every morning and each time the guard tries to call the house but there’s never any answer. “They do still live here, right?” I ask after the third failed attempt.

Jose shakes his head, “I can’t tell you that, Mr Montgomery.”

I’ve hired a car so in the afternoon, I park a little further down the tree-lined street and wait until it gets dark to see if any of her family come back to the house.

I amuse myself by trying to decide, apart from Lola, which one of them I’d have the most luck getting information out of. I quickly rule out her dad because she’s mentioned a couple of times that he’s extremely protective of his family. Mats is another definite no because he witnessed first-hand me “kissing” Sam and even though I know that technically I didn’t do anything wrong, it must have looked really bad. I’m fifty-fifty on her mum, Cate because she was really kind to me at dinner but then again she is Lola’s mum. That just leaves her younger sister, Sierra. I don’t want to be judgemental but from everything Lola’s told me about her, she seems quite shallow and so I might be able to use my halfway decent looks to persuade her to give me information on her older sister.

I’ve almost fallen asleep when there’s a loud thumping on the car window next to my head. When I rub the sleep out of my eyes, I realise it’s Mateo and he looks really angry.

“What are you doing here?” he yells.

“I need to talk to Lola.”

An expression I don’t recognise shutters his dark eyes for a second before he quickly recovers, “no, you don’t.”

I yank open the car door so we can stand face-to-face on the sidewalk, “that’s not for you to decide, Mateo. I know what you think you saw…”

“Don’t you dare patronise me.” He shoves the trashy magazine in my face. “Are you actually going to deny that’s you?”

“No but…” Before I can say anything else, Mats punches me in the jaw. I’m not expecting it and slump back against the car, wincing as the metal edges dig into my back.

“Leave,” Mats fumes, “and don’t come back, Zev. Lola knows what you did and she never wants to see you again.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Fine,” he pulls his phone out of his jacket pocket, “I’ll call the cops and have you arrested for harassing my family.” He gestures behind him, “you’ve seen how wealthy my parents are, right?”

“I’ll go,” I concede although it’s the very last thing I want to do.

“You being here,” Mats scuffs his trainer into the ground, “it’s just making things worse for her.”

“Please tell her I’m sorry,” I get back in the car and start up the engine.

 

When I get back to Oahu, Shanks picks me up from the airport. “Where’s Lola?” he asks after I’ve dumped my bags in the trunk of his car. He looks around as if he actually expects to see her.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I grunt as I slide into the passenger seat.

I can’t deal with Danny’s smug I told you so so I ask Shanks to drop me off at the Ink; I’m going to sleep off my jet-lag in Rusty’s old apartment.

When I let myself in through the back door, Rusty’s in his cramped office. “Darla’s at bingo tonight,” he explains. I can tell from his sombre expression that’s not the only reason he’s here working late. “How are you doing, son?” he gestures for me to take a seat on the battered leather couch.

“You haven’t asked where she is?”

Rusty runs a hand down his long, grey beard. “Don’t need to. I got an e-mail from her brother to say that she’s going to be extending her stay in Seattle indefinitely.”

It actually physically hurts to hear that Lola isn’t coming back to Oahu any time soon.

How did things get so messed up?

 

After a fitful night’s sleep, I figure I might as well go back to work because there’s nothing else in my life and I’m going to drive myself crazy thinking about inevitably doomed ways to win Lola back.

I’m doing a decent job of replicating a functioning human being until I hear my ex’s godawful voice and I’m not talking about Lola.

“What do you want, Sam?” I rub my forehead where I’ve got a doozy of a headache brewing.

“Zevvie?” She skips across to me. “You didn’t come to my hotel room last week.”

I haven’t got the patience to deal with her right now. “You’re right, I didn’t.” I don’t want to make a scene at the Ink so I try and guide her back towards the front door. “You need to go.”

“I stopped by your place last night but Danny said that you were in Seattle?” She wrinkles her nose.

“I was. Look, I’ve got to get back to work.”

“I want a tattoo. I know you always wanted to give me one.”

I roll my eyes because it feels like a million years ago now that Sam and I were ever a couple. I can’t believe that I ever liked her enough to move thousands of miles away from my family.

“I’ll see if Shanks has got any free time.”

Sam pouts, “I don’t want Shanks, I want you.”

I succeed in nudging her out of the front door and fortunately the parking lot is quiet. “What’s this really about, Sam? You don’t want a tattoo. You hate them.”

“Yeah but you love them and I want you so…”

“Yeah, right,” I laugh for the first time since I lost Lola but it’s dripping with sarcasm. “Try again, sweetheart. This time you might want to make it sound more convincing, put some of those acting skills of yours to good use.”

“I kind of got kicked off that TV show I was filming. My agent’s threatening to drop me as a client unless I can think of a way to redeem my image. You were good for me.”

“Sure until I lost my leg and you fake-sobbed to anybody who’d listen about my alcohol addiction.”

Sam stamps her stiletto heel, “I had to think about my career, Zev. You never supported my dream to make it big in Hollywood.”

I scoff, “I moved to L.A. with you because that’s what you wanted. I would have been quite happy to stay here in Oahu.”

“Ugh, you’re impossible.”

“You’re going to have to find some other dumbass to save your career, Sam. I’m not interested. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to work. Have a good life.”

 

LOLA

 

I thought it would be a good idea to put some distance between me and Zev after our fight. I don’t know how to feel about the fact that he lost his leg because he was driving drunk. On paper, he’s just like the scumbag who crashed into me and took away my dreams of being a footballer but… I know Zev and I can’t reconcile the sweet, funny guy who’s done a thousand times more for my recovery than any shrink ever did being the same person who would get behind the wheel of a car while he’s drunk.

Mum, Dad and Sierra were flying back to Seattle the next morning anyway and so I decided on the spur of the moment to go with them. I needed space to get some perspective but with the vast Pacific Ocean between us, I’m more confused now than ever because he’s the devil but I miss him with my whole being.

I think Mum can tell I’m feeling extra-mopey because she suggests that the three of us – Mum, Sierra and me – go to the spa. It’s not exactly my thing but I can tell that Mum doesn’t like it when she knows I’m sad and there’s nothing she can do to make it better. I think she feels guilty because she was the one who told me Zev was driving drunk when he had the accident that caused him to lose his leg.

I get changed into my favourite red bikini and walk out of the changing rooms to meet up with Mum and Sierra at the Jacuzzi. Before I moved to Hawaii, I always wore functional, one-piece swimsuits but I guess the island lifestyle eventually rubs off on you because I like showing off my body a little more now.

“Oh my God,” Sierra yelps as I get nearer the Jacuzzi. Mum isn’t there yet, she must still be getting changed. I give Sierra my best death-glare as a couple of the attendants turn and stare at us.

“What’s your problem?”

“I don’t even know where to start,” she waves her hands up and down.

I look down and realise that this is the first time my family are going to see my ink and piercings. I’d told Mum about my first one but I hadn’t exactly been forthcoming about all the others.

“Mum, have you seen what Lola’s done?” Sierra sounds really gleeful as if she thinks she’s about to get me into heaps of trouble. She doesn’t realise that not having toes is kind of like a get out of jail free card.

Mum rolls her eyes at me; she’s well used to my sister’s over-dramatics.

“She’s got piercings.”

“OK,” Mum climbs into the Jacuzzi and sits down opposite me. She shrugs like it’s no big deal.

“No,” Sierra tugs on her arm, “I’m not talking about her ears. I’m talking about her hips and her boobs.”

Mum looks across at me and I sit up straighter. I’m proud of my ink and piercings and I’m not going to hide them underneath the frothy water.

It’s weird but she doesn’t seem that shocked by my nipple piercings, it’s the hip dermals that really draw her attention. “Oh my goodness, they look painful.”

“They’re not,” I try to reassure her. I give them a little flick with the edge of my nail.

“OK,” her eyes drift upwards and she scrutinises the line of script that runs between my boobs, only partially hidden by my bikini top.

“You should totally ground her,” Sierra goads.

Mum busts out laughing, “Your sister’s a grown woman, Sierra, I can’t ground her. Even if I wanted to, which I don’t, it would be incredibly hypocritical of me since your dad and I have both got tattoos and before your brother was born, I had my you know what’s pierced.” That right there is why I love my mum to bits, she was badass enough to have her nipples pierced and yet she can’t actually say the word “nipples.”

“Ew,” Sierra looks as if she’s about to throw up in her mouth.

I give her a little splash, “don’t be such a baby. I get that it might not be your personal preference but I like my ink and my tattoos. When the accident happened, my skin was modified and it wasn’t my choice but these are.”

When Dad arrives to pick us up, Sierra is still grumbling about my piercings.

“What happened?” he asks as she throws herself dramatically into the back seat. “I thought you were supposed to be blissed-out after a day at the spa.”

Mum looks across at me and I rapidly shake my head – I might not be ashamed about my piercings but the last thing I want to talk to my dad about is my boobs.

“We were talking about piercings,” Mum smiles, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“Did Mum really used to have her nipples pierced?” Sierra asks because she didn’t get the memo about not talking about boobs in the vicinity of my dad.

Dad shares a look with Mum, “yeah, they were beautiful.”

“Ugh, I think I’m actually going to be sick.”

Dad laughs as he gets into the driver’s seat. “I’ve got a coaching session tomorrow; did you want to come with me, Lo?” He coaches an under-10s team over at the Hartley Complex.

“Has it still got that artificial pitch?” I ask, wincing because if you fall over on that thing it’s like dipping yourself in honey and then rolling around in a field of fire ants, it’s a whole world of pain.

“Unfortunately, yes.”

Since we got back from Hawaii, Dad’s been busy catching up with work so I haven’t had chance to spend any time with him one on one. It would be good to get his take on the whole Zev situation.

When we get back home, Sierra is in such a bad mood that she throws her bag down on the floor by the front door and it lands on my gammy foot. My parents are there and even though my dad swears like a sailor, I know they wouldn’t like it if I dropped an f-bomb so instead I hop up and down on my good leg. “She’s such a beeyotch…” I’m hoping I’ll get away with a disguised swear word. “She should have been drowned at birth.” Of course I don’t mean that but there’s an audible gasp from my mum and I cringe, knowing that I’ve just said the only thing worse than the f-bomb. My mum had prenatal depression when she was pregnant with Sierra and one night it got so bad that she thought about drowning herself in Puget Sound.

“I’m sorry,” I say as quickly as possible but Mum’s gone really pale. “I didn’t mean it, I swear.”

“You still shouldn’t say things like that about your sister, Lola,” Dad admonishes. I might be a grown woman but I still don’t like disappointing them.

“I know.”

Feeling like the world’s worst daughter, I drag myself upstairs. Mum knocks on my door a little while later, she’s got a tube of arnica as a peace offering. “How’s Tony?”

“Ugh,” I throw myself back on my bed, “I can’t believe he’s got you calling it that too.” I’m going to kill… force feed my brother bacon sandwiches when I get back to Hawaii.

“It’s cute,” Mum sits down on the bed and lifts my foot up on to her lap. She rubs the arnica on to the top of my foot where Sierra’s hefty bag landed.

“I hate it when you and Sierra fight,” she says sadly.

After dinner, I’m on washing up duty with Sierra. “I like Zev,” she announces.

I nearly drop the plate I’m supposed to be drying. “Are you serious?”

“Don’t look at me like that,” Sierra hands me a wet, soapy bowl. “When you’re with him, you’re like the old Lola again. Even the way you’re scowling at me right now. Do you realise that you didn’t do that once between when you got out of the hospital and when you left with Mats to go to Hawaii?”

“You want me to scowl at you?”

Sierra laughed, “yeah, I like winding you up. It’s kind of my job as your baby sister.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I shake my head. Even if I could get past the fact that he’d driven drunk, there was still the issue of why he’d decided to pursue me when he could have been with any one of the billion girls out there all with the requisite number of toes. “I’m nobody’s charity case.”

“That’s so not how he looked at you.”

“Ugh,” I flick her with the tea towel, “you’ve been reading too many of Mum’s romance novels again.”

“Ha, it’s the only romance I get, with you and Mats being in Hawaii, Mum and Dad are being extra clingy.”

“Don’t even,” I roll my eyes, “we both know you love all the attention.”

“They miss you,” Sierra says quietly. “Even though we fight all the time, I miss you.”

“I miss you too, you big dork,” I bump her shoulder. “I’m sorry I said you should have been drowned at birth.”

Sierra laughs. “I’m sorry I dropped my bag on Tony.”

 

LOLA

 

In stories like mine, there’s always one pivotal moment that cuts through the before and after. But since I’ve always kind of marched to the beat of my drum, I’ve had two. I’m sure having two epiphanies sounds kind of greedy until I tell you what they were.

The first one you already know about, involving a jilted husband (not mine), too much vodka (not me), a cowardly ex-boyfriend (ugh, that one was mine), a dose of MRSA and then Tony. I’d like to say the second one was just as dramatic but unfortunately it wasn’t.

I went with Dad to his under-10s coaching session hoping to get his perspective on the whole Zev sitch but the sight of the (artificial) green pitch, the nets and all those lovely black and white balls made me forget that I’m challenged in the toe and calf department and like an idiot I decided to have a good old-fashioned kick about, which still would have been fine if I hadn’t fallen over and cut my gammy calf hence Lola Goes to Hospital Part 2, a very grim looking surgeon telling my family that unfortunately he can’t save my leg and me waking up in yet another hospital bed minus a good chunk of kind of useful flesh and bone. You can say one thing; I like to keep you all on the edge of your seats, don’t I? I definitely like to scare the bejesus out of my family.

 

“Where’s Zev?” I ask but my throat is so dry, I’m not sure my family can understand what I’m saying.

Mum’s sat in the chair at the side of my bed and she immediately pours me a sippy cup of water.

They’ve just told me that because of the septicaemia, my gammy leg has had to be amputated below the knee.

My eyes dart around the hospital room. My parents, brother and sister all look really freaked out, which I guess is understandable given the circumstances but I hate the fact that they’re not saying anything.

“Please can you call him?” I ask Mateo, who’s stood by the window. “His number’s in my phone.” I realise that I don’t know if they brought my phone to the hospital. “You could try calling the Ink? I don’t know what time it is in Oahu right now. If they’re closed, you might have to leave a message… Wait, Vada will have his number. You must have Vada’s number because she’s your girlfriend.”

Mats looks over at my parents and Sierra, “can you give us a minute?”

“If this is about that stupid argument we had before I left Oahu, it doesn’t matter anymore. We can figure it out later, I just…” My voice cracks and I take another sip of water. “I really need to see him. Please.”

I might still be hopped up on pain meds but I remember that Zev lost his leg because he was driving drunk but he’s the only person I know who could possibly understand how I’m feeling right now, lying here in this hospital bed with half my leg permanently gone.

Mum looks at Dad but he shakes his head, “she’s awake now, angel. Why don’t the three of us go for some godawful hospital coffee and give Lola and Mats some brother-sister time?”

When they close the door behind them, I assume that Mats is going to pull out his phone and call Vada to ask for Zev’s number. He probably didn’t want to do it in front of my parents because they would disapprove.

Instead he sits down in the chair Mum has just vacated. “Lola,” he sighs.

I try to sit up but despite the best efforts of the meds, pain shoots through what’s left of my leg. “Why aren’t you calling Vada?”

“I need to tell you something.”

“Can’t it wait until after you’ve called Zev? I need him, Mats.”

“Shut up, OK,” Mats yells. I fall back against the pillow in shock because I’ve never seen my brother look so angry before. I don’t understand. If anybody should be angry right now, it’s me – I’ve just had half my leg cut off and he’s refusing to call the one person I really need.

“The same morning you flew back to Seattle, I saw him kissing another girl outside the Ink.”

“No,” I shake my head vigorously. “Zev wouldn’t cheat on me. He loves me. You’re just angry that he was a drunk driver.”

Mats gets up and walks across to the sofa by the window. He retrieves something from the inside pocket of his jacket.

“I’m so sorry, Lola,” he says as he hands me a page torn out of a trashy magazine.

My stomach hurts as if it knows that something really bad is about to happen. You’d think I wouldn’t even notice it what with all the pain in my leg right now.

I carefully unfold the page and I know my eyes see the photo but my brain, probably not helped by all the meds I’m currently on, struggles to make sense of it. It’s exactly like Mats just said; Zev is kissing a skinny blonde outside the Ink. Why couldn’t my stupidly honest brother be lying for one time in his whole freaking life?

I fold the page back over and silently hand it back to Mats. That image is going to be burned into my retinas forever and a day, I don’t need to keep it.

I twist my hips so that at least my upper body is facing away from Mats. It’s not his fault but I don’t want to even look at him right now. I’ve still got some pride left so I won’t let anybody hear me cry over Zev but I can’t do anything about the tears which fall silently down my cheeks and stain the pillowcase beneath my head. I want to close my eyes and fall asleep but every time I try, all I can see is Zev kissing that other girl. Why am I always such a fool? I know we had an awful argument before I took a time-out to go be with my family in Seattle but that doesn’t give him an excuse to make out with somebody else.

When Mum, Dad and Sierra come back, I’m still facing the window although my tears have mostly dried off. I know it sounds dramatic but it’s all I can do to just breathe right now because everything hurts. I’ve got so many questions that my head has joined my heart and leg in aching like crazy. I love my family but unless they’re offering to up my pain meds to black-out levels, I don’t want to see anybody right now.

The door to my room opens and closes again and I think they’ve all gone but when I turn over, my mum is sat in the chair by my bed again. “You should go home,” I croak, my voice betraying the fact that I’ve just been crying. “I’m in a really rubbish mood.”

Mum busts out laughing and then quickly covers her mouth. I raise an eyebrow. This is like the least funny situation I can think of. “I think after everything that’s happened to you today, you’re more than allowed to be in a really rubbish mood.” She reaches for a damp cloth and gently wipes the remaining tears from my cheeks. “I’m your mum, Lola. If you want to yell and scream or you just want to ignore me, that’s OK. I’m not going anywhere.”

Ugh, I really want to wallow in self-pity but my mum is the greatest.

“I know it’s going to sound really pathetic but…” I gulp because I’m not allowing any more tears to fall today. “I want Zev.”

“I know,” Mum looks as if she wants to cry too. “Do you want me to call him?”

“He kissed another girl, Mum.”

Mum defies the doctor’s orders and curls up in bed with me on the side of my remaining whole leg.

“I’m going to have to learn to walk again,” I choke.

Mum hugs me, “You’ll do it the same way you did it the first time, with fierce determination. I remember when you took your first steps… It was just the two of us and we were watching Manchester Rovers on the TV. You pulled yourself up to standing using the edge of the coffee table. Your dad was warming up at the side of the pitch, waiting to come on as a substitute. You looked at me and then back at your dad on the TV screen and then you just set off. I know your heart and your leg are hurting like crazy right now but you’re going to get through this. You are one of the bravest people I know, Lola. You have inspired me every single day since the moment I found out that I was pregnant with you.”

 

LOLA

 

After a week in the hospital, I’m beyond relieved when the doctors say that I can finally go home. Mum and Sierra stocked up my Kindle with lots of books which would have been awesome except for the fact that they’re both romance junkies and I’m not just getting used to not having a lower right leg anymore, I’m also still coming to terms with the fact that not only did my ex-boyfriend kiss another girl but he also hasn’t even bothered to try and contact me since I left Oahu. The very last thing I want to do right now is read about idiots who’ve got all of their limbs still intact falling in love.

I don’t want a huge fuss when I leave the hospital so I ask Mum if she’ll come by herself to pick me up.

When she arrives, she’s mostly kept her promise because Dad and Sierra have stayed at home but Mats is with her. I know it’s not his fault that Zev cheated on me but he was the proverbial messenger so I’m still annoyed with him. We haven’t really talked much while I’ve been in the hospital. It isn’t like the first accident when I could direct all my anger towards the drink-driver who caused the accident because the only person at fault this time was me. I can’t be angry at Zev either because that would involve me thinking about him and it hurts way too much so unfortunately my baby brother has become my number one target. It’s not fair but neither is losing my leg.

“Hey,” Mats says awkwardly while Mum signs my discharge papers.

“Why are you still here in Seattle?” I cringe at my own bluntness. “I’m sorry. I mean, why aren’t you back at college yet?”

“You’re my sister, Lo and you’re hurt.” He looks down at my bandaged stump.

“I know but you’re not a doctor or even a shrink. You can’t do anything to help me right now.” Yikes, I hate it that my poor brother brings out the very worst in me. “I love that big heart of yours, Mats but I don’t want you to flunk any of your classes because of me, OK? I’ll never forgive myself.”

Mum comes back, “are you all set, Lo?”

I smile, “I’m more than ready to get the heck out of here. Let’s go.”

On the car ride home, I try and bridge the gap between me and Mats. “I meant what I said before. The best thing you can do for me right now is go back to Oahu. Until I’m walking again or at least better at hobbling about on my crutches, I’m going to need help even going to the bathroom. I don’t want to feel even more like a burden.”

“Are you sure?” Mats asks.

“I’m positive,” I insist.

As we get nearer home, my stomach ties itself up in knots again. “Please tell me that they aren’t throwing me a surprise ‘Welcome Home’ party.”

Mats laughs, “I think aunt Liv suggested it but Mum vetoed the idea. I think she’s the only person in the world who hates surprises more than you do.”

 

They might not have thrown me a surprise ‘Welcome Home’ party but we still had a big family dinner with my aunts, uncles and cousins and after being stuck in a quiet hospital room for over a week, being around my crazy family was beyond exhausting and so after Mum had helped me upstairs to my old bedroom and changed the dressing on my stump, I fell asleep really quickly.

I don’t realise until I wake up the next morning that Sierra must still be so freaked out about the accident that she’s climbed into bed with me. I appreciate the very rare sentiment from my sister but isn’t it traumatic enough losing half my leg without waking up in the morning to my baby sister with her face squashed into my armpit? I almost laugh because I haven’t tried to shower on my own yet so she’s definitely going to need one of those baby wipes they give tourists who visit Rotorua to get rid of the stench of sulphur under their noses when she comes out of her snore fest but then she’s also lying on my good leg so I can’t escape. The very definition of hell is lying in bed while my sister is snoring like a warthog beside me.

Mum must hear her - I’m actually surprised the whole neighbourhood doesn’t hear her - although it might just have been a coincidence and Mum was coming to check on me anyway because she and Dad have this weird soundproofing in their boudoir which I very much wish I didn’t know about because a thousand times ew! Anyway, Mum manages to haul the great snoring one off of me so I can try to escape/give my poor eardrums a much needed rest. She also helps change my dressing again and I’m glad she’s had three children and has probably changed her fair share of dirty nappies because that thing is beyond nasty.

“So,” I announce at the breakfast table when everybody’s there, “Mats has decided to go back to Oahu.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Mum says, ruffling his hair. “Lola’s out of the hospital now. I don’t want you to fall behind on your studies.”

“I’ll buy your ticket since the fares are going to be extortionate last-minute,” Dad says.

“Sheesh,” Mats grumbles into his cereal, “I know when I’m not wanted.”

“I want you here, Mats,” Sierra laughs, “I can get away with so much more when there’s three of you for Mum and Dad to worry about.”

Mats sticks his tongue out at her, “I love you too, Sierra.”

 

Later that afternoon, I’m lying on my bed, trying to do the awkward stretching exercises they gave me at the hospital when Mats knocks on my door.

“Hey, what’s up?” my voice is muffled by the duvet because I’m lying face-down. Apparently, it’s really good for my hip.

I roll over like a fluffy baby seal so I can see him. “I’ve booked my flight,” he says. “I leave tomorrow afternoon. Are you sure you’re really OK with this?”

“Of course I’m OK with it,” I insist. “I don’t need another babysitter, Mats. You need to be back at college in Oahu.”

“What about if I see…” Mats shifts awkwardly. “Do you want me to say anything to him?”

“Do I want you to sock him in the jaw for smashing my heart to smithereens? There’s a big part of me that says abso-freaking-lutely.” I rub my chest where the ache is ever-present. “But my head says no, he doesn’t deserve to have that power over me. I don’t want anybody in Oahu to know that I’ve lost my leg, especially not Zev.” I give myself a mental high-five for being able to say his name without vomiting. “If I ever go back there, I’ll do it when I’m ready and on my own terms, OK. I don’t want anybody’s pity.”

“I promise I won’t say anything.”

 

LOLA

 

“Have you thought any more about counselling?” Mum asks as we drive home from my physical therapy session.

“I’ve thought about it.” I don’t want to offend her because Mum is a great advocate for counselling, she’s got a degree in Psychology and she says that it really helped when she was struggling with prenatal depression while pregnant with Sierra but the truth is that I’m doing OK. I’m not exactly skipping through a field of daisies (hopping maybe?) but I’m managing. It might be different if I’d gone from having all of my limbs intact to losing my lower leg but I feel like I got most of the angst out of the way after the first accident when I really struggled to cope with losing my toes and my calf muscle. “But I think I’m OK at the moment. I’ll let you know if that changes.”

Mum pats my thigh. She does that a lot these days as if to show that she isn’t intimidated by my missing lower leg. “You know what’s best, sweetheart.”

Mum has been a total badass ever since the accident part deux. When I woke up in the hospital after surgery and Mats said that she’d refused to leave my bedside even for a minute while I was out, I’d worried that she was going to be even more protective of me now and basically superglue herself to my side but although she still supports me one hundred percent, every day she’s encouraging me to be more independent.

I think Dad has actually taken this second accident way worse than Mum – he feels guilty that he encouraged me to tag along to his coaching session and then didn’t tried to stop me pretending to be the new Marta again. It wasn’t his fault though and I’ve tried telling him that a thousand times but he’s incredibly stubborn.

When we get home, I’m surprised by a visit from Luke and his wife, Hannah. Luke and I have been friends since my family moved to Seattle when I was seven. His dad, Eric still lives next door to my parents and as if my life isn’t already enough of a soap opera, he’s married to Nate, who used to be my family’s nanny.

“I didn’t know you guys were in town,” I grin. Luke and Hannah both went to college in Michigan and they’ve settled there. “I also didn’t know that you were expecting.” I say, checking out Hannah’s cute little bump. “Congratulations, I’m so happy for you both.”

“Thanks,” Hannah says. “We’re only here for a couple of days to celebrate Eric’s birthday.”

We chat for a while about their jobs – they both work in the wine industry.

“You look totally different, you know?” Luke says.

Hannah whacks his arm and he quickly blushes when he realises what he’s just said.

I chuckle, “yeah, losing a leg will do that to you.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he stumbles over his words.

“I know you didn’t,” I quickly reassure him. He’s not the most tactful guy in the world but he’s not cruel.

“I was talking about your tattoos.” I look down and I realise that I’m still wearing the comfy, workout clothes I wore to my PT session: black yoga pants and a cut-off t-shirt so quite a lot of my ink and piercings are on display. I’ve got my hair up in a messy bun so they must be able to see the lotus flower on the back of my neck as well.

“I used to have more but I think they’re languishing in a medical waste facility now.”

“Nate said you were seeing somebody in Oahu?”

It’s a good job he’s one of my best friends because he’s even nosier than my family. “I was and now I’m not.”

“Sheesh,” he reaches up to rub the back of his neck, “you don’t have much luck with boyfriends, do you? First Noah and now this loser. Maybe you should think about switching teams?”

I roll my eyes at Hannah, “how do you resist the urge to just smother your husband with a pillow while he’s asleep every night?”

She smiles at me, “it’s tough but I’ve managed it so far.”

I turn my attention back to Luke, “thanks for the suggestion but I think I’m actually going to swear off dating for… the rest of my life, maybe?”

Hannah looks at me sympathetically, “despite what this bozo says, I don’t think that you should give up so easily. I just know that there’s a really great guy somewhere out there for you.”

She’s such a sweetheart; I actually remember her giving me almost this exact same speech after I found my date kissing his ex-girlfriend behind the bleachers during prom.

Before they leave, they make me promise that I’ll go to Eric’s birthday party at the Taco Shack tomorrow night. I’m about to tell them the same thing I told Nate, which is that I can’t because I’m not ready to show off my disabled self to almost everybody I know in Seattle just yet but then Mum appears and before I can even say anything, she says that of course I’ll be there. She might be my mum but that definitely earns her a death-glare.

“You can’t hide out here forever, Lola,” she reminds me after Luke and Hannah have gone. “How do you think you’re going to manage in Oahu if you’re not even brave enough to attend a birthday party for one of our really good friends? Did you forget that Eric singlehandedly delivered your sister, Sierra right here in our living room?”

“I don’t need to think about how I’m going to manage in Oahu because I’m never going back there,” I snap.

“OK,” Mum looks so smug; I badly want to drop an f-bomb.

“I’m serious. Why on earth would I go back to Oahu? There’s nothing left for me there.”

“If you say so.”

When she’s being like this, Mum really reminds me of Vada.

She picks up the empty coffee mugs that Luke and Hannah have left behind and walks away from me into the kitchen. I stomp after her and it’s only when I get to the threshold of the kitchen and I can see her smirking that I realise that I’ve just bossed my crutches like an absolute champ.

“You’re so annoying.”

Sierra must have caught the tail end of the conversation because she immediately whines, “what did I do?”

“You’re my date for Uncle Eric’s birthday party tomorrow night.”

She shrugs and turns to Mum, “can I have some money to buy a new dress then?”

 

“We can’t go in there just yet,” Sierra complains when we get to the top of the stairs at the Taco Shack. “I’m sweating like a pig after having to haul your hefty ass up those stairs so I need to fix my make-up.”

“You cannot call your one-legged sister’s ass hefty.”

“I don’t care if you’ve got one leg or three hundred legs, if your ass is hefty; I’m going to say it’s hefty.”

“Please,” I say the one thing which I can guarantee will wind her up. “I bet I weigh less than you do now.”

“Take that back,” she demands, whipping out her glitteriest lip gloss, “or I’m going to smear this all over you until you look like a freaking disco ball.”

Unlike my sister, whose second home might as well be Sephora, I’m not that into make-up so I’m only wearing mascara. I still think I look cute though – I’m wearing a calf-length teal dress so my stump isn’t on full display. It’s sleeveless and dips low enough at the front that you can see the start of the script which runs between my small boobs and I’m wearing my hair up so I can show off my lotus flower. The look would be perfect if it wasn’t accessorised by my ugly-ass crutches but although I’ve got a prosthetic now, I’m still not comfortable enough to use it outside the house.

“Not a chance,” I say as I pull open the front door. Mum, Dad and the rest of my family are already inside.

“Happy birthday,” I give Eric a one-armed hug.

“I’m so glad you could make it tonight, Lola.”

I quickly realise that although I’d made it out to be this huge deal – the official unveiling of the ugly-ass stump – it’s actually not that bad because I’ve already seen most of the people here since I got out of the hospital.

Heidi, the owner of the Shack and another of my mum and dad’s really good friends, makes me a killer virgin margarita and my uncle Jax (Liv’s husband) plays a medley of Eric’s favourite songs. I can’t exactly dance but then I wasn’t very good at it before I lost my leg so I don’t feel like I’m missing out. The food is so amazing that if I was ready to decide what I’m going to do next, it would definitely tug me in the direction of staying here in Seattle.

I’m sitting at one of the booths at the back, chatting with my aunt Liv and Heidi’s son, Diego when Jax announces that he’s going to take a short break. It’s then that “Bohemian Rhapsody” comes on; I’ve forgotten that it’s one of Eric’s favourite songs too. “Do you still know all the words to this?” Liv asks.

“Mm, it’s my party trick.” I’m immediately transported back to my first date with Zev when he made reservations at that awful vegan restaurant. I miss him right down to the marrow of my bones.

I can’t stand to hear any more Scaramouches so I get up; I’m so focused on getting out of the now claustrophobic Taco Shack that I forget that I’ve only got one leg and I lurch forward. Fortunately, Liv’s got great reflexes and she catches me before anybody notices. Tears are trickling down my cheeks and I hate it, I hate feeling so helpless.

“It’s OK, Lola Bean. I’ve got you,” Liv whispers.

Heidi must have seen me almost fall because she gestures towards the swinging doors of the kitchen.

Liv helps me navigate through the busy kitchen until finally we’re in the fresh air outside. “Ugh, I’m such a basket case,” I groan when it’s just the two of us.

“No, you’re not,” she attempts to reassure me.

I look up at her, “I nearly fell on my face right in the middle of Eric’s birthday party because I forgot I need crutches now.”

“Yeah,” Liv smiles, “that wasn’t exactly your finest moment. What happened that made you want to leave so badly?”

“It’s that song,” I curse. At least I can’t still hear it because it’s been drowned out by the hustle and bustle from the kitchen. “It reminds me of him.”

Liv gets her phone out of her handbag, “I’ve got something that will cheer you up.”

“Yeah?” If it’s not a bucket-load of happy pills, I very much doubt it.

But she’s right; I bust out laughing when the first few bars of “Best Song Ever” by One Direction pierce the cool, night air.

“I haven’t heard this in forever.” I used to love this song. “Do you remember when I made Dad and Matteo Di Vela do the dance moves with me?” Matteo was one of my Dad’s team-mates at Rovers and he stayed with us for a while after he had a nasty head injury.

“Can you imagine how much a video of that would have been worth?” Liv chuckles.

“Come on,” she says, holding her phone up above her head and twirling around, shaking her tush. Her joy is so infectious that I can’t help forgetting about my heartbreak for a moment as I join her in pretending to paddle.

After the song has finished, Liv asks, “are you ready to come back inside?”

“I’m kind of tired; I think I’m going to go home.”

“OK,” Liv nods, “I’ll get Sofia to walk back with you.”

“Sofia’s been really quiet tonight. Is everything OK with her?”

Liv frowns, “apart from family events like tonight, she’s grounded for the foreseeable future. I caught her smoking again yesterday.”

“Yikes, was Sierra with her?” My sister and Sofia are a similar age and they’re usually inseparable. If she’s been smoking too, I don’t care if I’ve only got one leg, I’m going to seriously kick my sister’s behind.

“Nope, just Sofia.”

 

“You can’t give me the silent treatment all the way home, Soph,” I nudge my cousin as she walks me back from the Taco Shack. She hasn’t even acknowledged my presence, “I’ve only got one leg, remember?”

Sofia rolls her eyes.

“Come on,” I bump her with my shoulder, “your mum said she caught you smoking yesterday. What’s up with that?”

“Oh my goodness,” Sofia yelps, “you and my parents need to stop overreacting. It’s really not that big of a deal.”

It’s my turn to roll my eyes. “It’s a humungous deal. Did you know that smoking can cause Peripheral Arterial Disease or PAD, a serious vascular condition that can lead to leg amputation or a fatal heart attack?”

“It’s not like I’m smoking a pack a day or something. I just need to lose a few more pounds and then I’ll quit. They stop me feeling hungry all the time.”

I screech to a halt on my crutches and still remain upright which is quite an achievement. “You don’t need to lose a single ounce, Soph. You’re gorgeous.”

“You’re family so you have to say that. I know what I see when I look in the mirror.”

“Have you met my sister, Sierra?” Sofia’s lips twitch with amusement. “She might be family but believe me, she’s never less than a gazillion percent honest with me.” I think about telling Sofia that my lovely sister called me “hefty” earlier this evening but I wisely decide to steer clear of anything weight-related.

I know my sister gets a lot of attention because she’s tall and willowy; she could wear a ratty bin-bag and still make it look like haute couture. Sofia’s just as gorgeous but in a different way. My sister’s beauty is fierce; it’s gravity-defying stiletto heels that will skewer you if you look at her the wrong way. Sofia’s softer and curvier. She’s got waist-length chestnut hair and sparkling blue eyes. She’s flower crowns and maxi dresses, walking barefoot on the beach.

“Listen to me, Soph. You’re smart, funny and beautiful. I would love to have boobs and a butt like yours. You might only be smoking a couple of cigarettes a day because you think it’s going to make you look better but you’re actually risking it making you a whole lot worse. Do you really want to risk losing your gorgeous curves to cancer, your hair to chemotherapy or your legs to amputation?”

 

LOLA

 

Do you ever think that the universe is trying to give you a sign that you should do something that you really don’t want to do? Well, I don’t need the universe to butt into my life because unfortunately my mostly well-meaning (the jury’s still out on my sister) but incredibly nosy family are already there. You’d think that losing a limb would cut me some slack but nope.

Later that night, I’m practicing with my shiny, new accessory – my prosthetic – while Sierra, being the loving, supportive sister that she is, scoffs popcorn and makes fun of my attempts to walk without assistance.

“Sierra, stop making fun of your sister,” Mum calls as she walks past the open door on her way to the kitchen.

“How do you know I’m making fun of her?” Sierra asks, already getting all worked up. I don’t know what she’s got planned for when she finishes high school but she’d make an awesome lawyer because she can literally argue anything. I certainly wouldn’t want to be up against her in a courtroom.

Mum pops her head around the door, “because I know you, baby girl. I carried you in my tummy for nine months.”

Ah, Sierra’s one and only weak spot, parental guilt. “Ugh, I can’t win when she says something like that, can I?” She flops back down on the sofa.

“Nope,” I giggle and then quickly stop when I almost lose my balance.

“Do you think you’ll ever go back to Hawaii?” she asks, turning on her side to face me.

“I don’t know,” I shrug. I’ve been trying so hard not to resemble a cartoon animal whether it’s hopping up and down like a kangaroo or flailing about like a baby deer on ice for the first time whenever I try and walk that I haven’t thought too much about what I’m going to do afterwards.

I think about the photo I saw of Zev kissing that skanky beeyotch and I know one thing for sure – if I do go back to Oahu, it will only be after I’ve got my act together on this darn prosthetic because I’m definitely not facing Zev Montgomery at anything less than a hundred and fabulous percent. He’s going to regret the day he ever screwed me over.

“I’m bored,” Sierra grumbles, “you haven’t fallen over once yet and that’s the only reason I’m here.”

“Thanks, sis,” I stick my tongue out at her, “I love you too.”

“I know,” her dark eyes sparkle with mischief. “We could always play Kiss Marry Avoid.”

“Haven’t you got any friends your own age you could play these silly games with?”

Of course, she completely ignores me. “I’ll go first.”

“Ezra, Noah and…” Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it. I try to cut her off by asking who Ezra is?

She rolls her eyes at me, “your prom date, duh!”

“Ugh, you’re such a little stalker. I’m seriously freaked out that you can remember the name of the boy I went to prom with. Anyway, I don’t think it counts as a date if he disappears and you catch him snogging his ex-girlfriend halfway through the dance.”

“Stop trying to distract me,” Sierra giggles, “so it’s Ezra, Noah or Zev?”

Ugh, how is it possible that I was only with Zev for like a small percentage of the time I was with Noah and yet I don’t have a single reaction to hearing Noah’s name but hearing Zev’s name feels like a sucker punch to the gut?

I look down at myself and remember that I’m a total badass, I can almost walk on one leg unassisted and so I refuse to let Zev’s betrayal make me feel weak.

“If that’s my choice then I’m doomed,” I laugh. “Ezra was a jerk, Noah was a coward and Zev was…”

Sierra looks at me and it’s at times like these that I realise that much to my absolute horror we do share the same DNA because it’s like she knows what I’m thinking but can’t say out loud. “He’s the love of your life.” At least the annoying little brat doesn’t sound like she’s gloating. I force myself to take a deep breath, squashing the hurt down like a deflated bouncy castle in my gut until it’s almost manageable and only then do I trust myself to speak. “I was going to say liar and cheater.”

“That girl he was kissing…”

I give Sierra a death-glare, “are you seriously starting this with me right now?”

“I’m just saying,” she holds her hands up, “I did some digging, she’s a z-list actress and she’s got a really bad reputation.”

“Don’t slut-shame,” I frown, “if she has, more fool him.”

“You don’t think that you should talk to him, give him chance to explain?”

“Sierra, I know you love those sappy romance novels almost as much as Mum does but not every bad guy is redeemable, OK? What could he possibly say that could explain his behaviour since I left Oahu? Oh, I fell and my lips just happened to collide with my ex-girlfriend’s and it totally wiped my memory which is why I haven’t tried contacting you for well over a month.”

“At least then you’d know for sure that he was a dumbass.”

“I don’t need to talk to him again to know that he’s a dumbass. He let me go, didn’t he?” I try for sass but it doesn’t work when I stumble and end up sprawled face first across the coffee table.

 

LOLA

 

The following afternoon, after my PT session, Dad and I try to recreate the good, old days and watch the Premier League highlights on the TV.

You’d think as an ex-pro that my dad would be really into watching the sport he used to make a career out of and for a few years after he retired, he was. He was even a TV pundit for a couple of matches when we went back to England for the holidays but something happened when I was about twelve or thirteen. I don’t remember the details but there was a big scandal about Manchester Rovers, the club he’d played for from when he was a small boy right up until we left England for the U.S. After that it was like football didn’t really exist for him anymore.

I want to give him a hug as he sits down on the sofa next to me because I can tell that he’s only doing it for me and I want to tell him that he really doesn’t have to put himself through all of this.

I’m about to suggest we do something else when they go through the line-up for the West Ham vs Tottenham game. “And out on the left wing, we have Noah Yoakam.” I’ve lived in the U.S. since I was seven but it still cracks me up listening to the American commentators discuss what they call “soccer”. What they call “football” mostly involves using your hands, go figure!

I knew Noah would make it as a professional footballer – he was always really talented, not as good as I was but then… OK, really need to make an attempt to rein in the snarky comments. I watch as he jumps up and down, getting ready for the kick-off. So he’s playing for West Ham now? His dad, Jack used to play for them so he probably still has connections. Ugh, I give myself a mental slap in the face.

The truth is that even before the accident, I was never going to have the same opportunities as Noah regardless of how much more talented I was, purely because he’s a boy and I’m a girl. As much as the women’s game is improving day by day, the men’s game is still miles ahead in terms of money and prestige. I was never going to be able to do what my dad did and run out at the Rovers Stadium in the famous dark-blue shirt even if I still had two legs because Rovers are one of a number of Premier League clubs that don’t have a women’s team.

I sit back against the back of the sofa. I’ve got cramp in my toes which is not only uncomfortable, it’s also freaking impossible since I haven’t got any toes on my right leg anymore. The specialists had warned me about phantom pain and I’ve been lucky that I haven’t had it a lot so far but when it does happen, it’s always when I’m worked up about something.

I want to bust out laughing because I don’t even know what I’m worked up about. I don’t have feelings for Noah. I pause for a second and let the words bounce around my head and when they settle down I know that it’s the truth. Am I jealous that he’s fulfilled his dream and become a professional footballer? Nope, I don’t think it’s that either. If anything, it just makes me want to work harder to find my own dream to fulfil because I’m sure it’s an amazing feeling. But when I think about my dreams, I don’t think about massive football stadiums anymore and thousands of fans chanting my name instead I think about waking up to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore, really, really good coffee and the insistent buzz of a tattoo needle.

My feelings for Zev are almost like my phantom pain except that they don’t just hurt when I’m wound up about something. They hurt when I wake up in the morning in my cold, empty bed. They ache when I succeed and even when I fail and I realise that I can’t share any of it with him. They sting most of all when I think about how easily he moved on, like I meant nothing to him.

The referee blows the whistle for half-time and I realise that I’ve been sat there for forty five minutes not really watching the TV. “I’m going to sit on the back porch for a bit,” I tell my dad as I grab my laptop from the coffee table.

As I open the back door, I hear my dad switch the TV off. He wasn’t really watching it either.

About an hour later – I’m actually surprised that my mum lasts that long without interfering – I’m sat on the back porch, messing about on my laptop when my dad comes out. I can tell from the way he stumbles out on to the porch that my mum has given him a push. I’m sure she’s as fed up with him moping about as she is me so she’s trying for the second time today to force us to actually talk to each other.

I quickly shut my laptop because I’ve been looking at the Ink’s website. I’m annoyed that they haven’t updated it at all since I left. They’re too talented to ever be short of clients but still, I worked my butt off on that site.

Of course, because when will I ever stop torturing myself, I found the photo of my first ever tattoo as part of Zev’s portfolio. I remember that I didn’t think it should be included because who wants to look at a photo of a deformed foot when they’re scoping out potential tattoo artists? But Zev argued that it was necessary because for first-timers, it could be intimidating to see all those huge tattoos spreading across backs, wrapping around limbs and requiring multiple sessions to finish and so my little worker bee would be a good contrast. I only agreed when he promised to Photoshop the heck out of it to remove Tony and my withered calf. I look down for a moment and although it doesn’t happen as much as I’d expected it to, I still get a jolt sometimes when I realise that my foot and therefore my beautiful little bee aren’t there anymore.

“Hey, what’s up?” I put my laptop on the side table and turn to face my dad. Yikes, I can feel just how uncomfortable he is.

“Well, that was a disaster, wasn’t it?” he blurts out.

The way he says it is so blunt, it makes me laugh and eases the tension a little bit.

“Your mum…” he looks at the kitchen window and I smile, knowing that she’s probably washing the same mug she’s been washing ever since she shoved him out here, pretending not to eavesdrop. “She thinks you and I need to have a chat.”

“What about?”

“I’m rubbish at talking about feelings and all that stuff,” he says gruffly. “But I want you to know that I’m sorry, sweetheart. I wish I’d never asked you to come to the Hartley Complex with me that day. If I hadn’t, you’d be back there in Hawaii living your life, not moping around here again.”

I can’t help it. I throw my arms around him because he really is the best dad in the world. “I’m fine, Dad. I’m not moping about, I’m just trying to figure out what comes next for me and you know, I’ve told you like a gazillion times that the accident wasn’t your fault, at all, not even a little bit.”

He relaxes a bit and hugs me back, “I’m your dad, Lola Bean. I’m supposed to protect you from getting hurt.”

“I get a few phantom pains every so often but I’m not hurt, not anymore.”

Dad winces but then he continues, “you might not be in physical pain but you’re not happy like you were when we visited you and Mats in Oahu.”

“What is it with you and Sierra? Are you both trying to kick me off the mainland?”

“We just want you to be happy, Lola and you were happy there.”

I narrow my eyes at him, “are you really sure that Sierra wants me to be happy? I think what gets her up in the morning is the possibility that I might embarrass myself and fall over.”

I suddenly realise something, “anyway, I thought you hated Zev. He kissed somebody else, remember? Have you had a bump on the head or something? Because as my dad you should not be advocating that I be in close proximity to such a supreme jerk…”

“When your mum was pregnant with you, I kissed another woman.”

I raise my eyebrows at him, already getting annoyed on my mum’s behalf. “Does Mum know?” She better had otherwise he’ll be getting a repeat of the black eye I gave him when I was three years old.

“Of course,” he chuckles, “we’ve been married for nearly twenty-five years. There aren’t any secrets between us, Lo.”

“OK so the point of you telling me this is?”

“A photo is just a single snapshot of a moment in time, it doesn’t tell you what happened before or after. When your mum saw the photo of me kissing this other woman, she was incredibly hurt just like you were, we had a huge argument and she ended up spending the night at a hotel. But the truth was that I didn’t kiss the other woman, she kissed me because she wanted to make her boyfriend jealous. As soon as I got over the shock I pushed her away but the photo didn’t show that.”

“Why didn’t you just tell mum that?”

He has a wry smile, “because if you think I’m bad at talking about stuff now, you should have seen me then. I was hurt that she thought that I could ever kiss another woman.”

“Is that what you think happened with Zev?”

Dad shakes his head, “I don’t know.”

“So I could fly all the way to Oahu only to find out that he’s just as big of a jerk as I thought.”

“At least you’d know the truth instead of tying yourself up in knots wondering.”

 

“Look at you,” my aunt Remy applauds when I show her how good I’m getting with my prosthetic. “Now you’re kicking ass on that thing, are you finally going to go back to Oahu?”

“Uh no, what makes you think that?”

“Please, it’s like the number one topic of conversation in the Klein-Warner family WhatsApp group. You need to buy your ticket so we can finally talk about something else.”

“Maybe I’ll come to Rome instead and stay with you and uncle Vin.” I’m joking because as much as I love my aunt, I just know that we’d end up killing each other within a day of even attempting to live in the same house together.

“Ha ha,” Remy rolls her eyes at me. “We all know that you’re going to end up going back to Oahu eventually so why delay the inevitable. I know you were born in Manchester but surely even you can’t be that attached to constant rainfall?”

“Even if I was thinking about going back to Oahu, which I’m not but if I was, I’m not doing so until I can walk completely normally with my prosthetic. I’m not going to be pitied.”

“Excellent,” she claps her hands together, “you can book your ticket then because from what I’ve just seen, you’re walking normally now.”

“It’s not that difficult to walk inside my house,” I remind her, “I’m not going anywhere until I can do it outside too.”

“How far is that taco place from your house?”

“The Taco Shack. It’s a decent distance, I guess.”

“So if you can walk to the Taco Shack unassisted and without stumbling, you’ll let us book you a ticket to Oahu?”

“You’re being a bully.”

Remy cackled, “you’re only learning this about me now? Do we have a deal or not?”

“Fine,” I concede but only because she didn’t say that I had to stay in Oahu, she just said that I had to go there. I don’t even have to see Zev if I don’t want to. I can catch up with Mats and get some much-needed sunshine on my pasty skin. Then I can fly back here to Seattle or wherever else in the world I want to go.

“Can you get your mum for me?” Remy demands now that she’s got what she wanted, which is my total capitulation.

“Mum?” I yelp. “Remy wants to talk to you.”

She makes absolutely sure that she can’t be seen by her sister when she mouths, “Help!”

 

OK, so I might have mentioned on occasion that my family are completely, certifiably insane. They decide when they find out from Remy that I’ve agreed to go back to Oahu if I can walk to the Taco Shack unassisted and without stumbling once that it’s a major cause for celebration.

When I wake up the next morning, I’m literally surrounded by my female relatives: Mum, Sierra, Sofia, Liv, Erin. They all look at me expectantly. “Today’s the day,” Liv announces, clapping her hands together and she quickly plummets down the list of my favourite people.

“Nope,” I’m lying on my front because it’s good for my hip alignment and so it’s easy for me to pull a pillow over my head.

“Yes,” Sierra insists, bouncing on the mattress.

“Quit doing that. I’m still recovering from surgery,” I remind her, gritting my teeth.

“No, you’re not,” she replies. If anything, she bounces even harder. “The doctor said at your last appointment that your wound’s completely healed.”

“You do realise,” I flop over on to my back, “that you’re all going to be majorly disappointed when I take three steps and fall on my face.”

I look across at Sierra, “OK, perhaps not all of you.”

“Just do your best,” Mum says kindly. “That’s all we ask.”

Sofia pulls my duvet completely off the bed and I’m beyond grateful that I don’t sleep in the buff because this morning is going to be awkward enough already. I sit up and brush my fringe out of my eyes. “In the unlikely event that I make it to the Taco Shack, I’m going to high five every single one of you,” I narrow my eyes at each of them in turn, “in the face with a chair.”

“We’ll take that risk, won’t we, girls?” Liv says, “come on, get that cute little butt of yours in the shower. You’re going to be the main attraction on a dozen smart phones so you’re going to want to look your best today.” I growl menacingly at her.

After I’ve showered, attached my prosthetic and got dressed in yoga pants and a hooded sweatshirt, I make my way downstairs. Erin has made me breakfast, which I think is really kind of her until Sierra steals a slice of bacon right off my plate and admits that “they don’t want you to use hunger as an excuse not to finish the walk.”

I reluctantly agree that Liv and Erin can accompany me on my pathetic Walk to Freedom. Liv because she’s snarky enough that it’ll motivate me to keep going and Erin because she’s a nurse and I really want to try and avoid Lola Goes to Hospital Part 3 if I can possibly help it.

I take up my position at the start line, i.e. the front door and my first thought is that I can’t do this.

I remember the last time I put one foot in front of the other without even thinking about it. It was when I followed my dad into the Hartley Complex what feels like light years ago. I think about all the jerks that used to tell me I couldn’t play football because I was a girl and it gets my blood pumping faster through my veins. I think about Zev but this time I don’t allow it to make me feel weak. I’m angry that he lied to me the whole time about how he’d lost his leg. I’m furious that he told me he loved me (another lie) and then moved on like I was nothing.

“I don’t know what you’re doing but it’s working, Lolo Ball,” Liv says and I realise that I’m halfway to the Taco Shack already.

I’m actually going to do this. I’m going to show Zev, Noah, the drink-driver that took my toes, even Ezra my jerk of a prom date; I’m going to show them all. I might have lost half my leg but I’m walking!

When I get nearer to the Shack, I realise that there’s a small crowd gathered by the finish line, all cheering me on and it’s beyond cheesy but I don’t care because I love this group of crazies with all my heart. They’re Skyping with the rest of my family that can’t be here in person; my grannies, my aunties Sinead, Ruby and even the supreme bully herself, Remy.

“Lola!” They’re loudly chanting my name.

“You’re all loco,” I look at Erin and Liv. “You get that, right.”

When I make it to the finish line, Mum gives me the biggest hug and even though I promised myself that I absolutely would not cry, I can’t help it. She’s so proud of me and it makes my heart feel too big for my chest. It couldn’t be more different than how I felt the last time I decided to go to Oahu because I couldn’t bear the thought of all these people right here having to watch me struggle.

Liv comes up to me and thrusts her phone under my nose. “I’ve booked your ticket, Lola. Your flight leaves the day after tomorrow. You’d better start packing.” She’s even got me upgraded to first-class courtesy of her husband, Jax’s credit card.

 

LOLA

 

A couple of hours before I’m due to leave for the airport, I’m packed up and ready to go because like I’ve said before, Mum and I have excellent organisational skills. I sit in my childhood bedroom and I know that I don’t have to stay in Oahu, the deal I made with Remy is that I’d go there first and after that it’s my choice. There’s nothing to stop me from coming back here to Seattle after a week of glorious sunshine, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore and praise be, Vada’s coffee but I get this feeling in my gut that tells me I won’t be coming back here to live and it makes me sad. I’m nearly twenty-five but it’s only now in this moment that I really feel like a grown-up. I went to college for four years in Miami and I lived with Mats in Oahu all those months but I feel like this is the first time I’m actually leaving home.

I’ve said adios to most of my family and friends already apart from my parents and Sierra, who are going to drop me off at the airport and my aunt Liv.

“How are you feeling, Lotus Flower?” Liv asks, sitting down next to me on the bed.

“Not entirely sure I’m doing the right thing,” I admit. Yes, I’m a total badass on my prosthetic now and there’ll be hell to pay if anybody even tries to pity me but I think my feelings for Zev will always make me weak.

“In the very unlikely event that Zev didn’t make out with his ex-girlfriend and there’s a reason that he’s been incommunicado since the accident, he’s still a drunk driver, Liv and that’s what got me in this mess in the first place.”

“I’m going to give you two pieces of advice, OK?” Liv slings an arm around my shoulders.

“Firstly, you’re not going back to Oahu to try and win him back. Because of what you’ve just said, he’s going to have to win you back. You’re worth a gazillion times more than getting in a catfight over some jerk that isn’t even worth the scratched nail varnish. You deserve to be wooed.”

“Secondly, yes he’s a drunk driver and I am absolutely not going to tell you of all people that doesn’t mean anything because we all know that it does but what I will say is that not everybody who does a bad thing is a bad person. People make mistakes. I didn’t drink and drive but I did almost burn down a church because I drank too much vodka and was jealous that my ex-boyfriend was getting married to one of my co-workers. I got drunk and I might not have killed anybody or caused them to lose a limb but I still put people in the hospital, I ruined a wedding, I lost my job and the respect of my family for a long time.”

“I’m really sorry you had to go through all of that,” I give my aunt a hug because despite what she’s just said, she’s still one of my favourite people in the whole world. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Lola. We aren’t pushing you to go back to Oahu because we want you to get back together with Zev, that’s nobody’s business but yours; we want you to go back to Oahu because before all of this happened, you were happy there. If you realise that actually you’d be happier elsewhere in the world then that’s fine too.”

“I need closure,” I say and I know that it’s true.

“You’re a smart girl so my final piece of advice to you is just to trust your gut instinct, OK? If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.”

 

LOLA

 

The flight from Seattle to Honolulu takes almost seven hours but thanks to Jax, I’m in first-class so it’s not exactly torturous. I spend most of the journey chatting with the sweet Southern grandma in the seat next to mine. Jolie is flying to Oahu for her grandson, Truman’s wedding. We bond over my tattoos – even though she’s in her late seventies, she just got her first one before she left Georgia.

“Which was your first, sweetheart?” she asks.

I doubt I’ll see Jolie again after we land in Oahu so I tell her about the Manchester bee I used to have on my right foot.

“It sounds like it was important to you. Are you going to have it redone while you’re back in Oahu?”

I hadn’t even considered getting another tattoo but now that Jolie has made me think about it, I realise that my bee wasn’t just about Zev and I, it was a loving tribute to my hometown and more than that, it was the first step in me taking back control of my body and skin after I lost my toes and calf muscle in the first accident. It was the ultimate symbol of strength. If I really want to get closure after everything that’s happened, it would be kind of poetic to go back to the Ink and get my Manchester bee put back where it belongs on my right leg.

“Good luck, Lola,” Jolie gives me a hug as we step off the plane in Oahu. “If it doesn’t work out with Zev, here’s my grandson’s number.”

I must look completely scandalised because she chuckles, “my other grandson, i.e. not Truman who’s getting married in a couple of days. Lordy, if you could see the look on your face right now.”

“Thank you, I think?” I slip the card into the zipper pocket of my carry-on. “I hope Truman and Eloise have a beautiful wedding.”

After I’ve gone through security and collected my suitcase from the carousel, I find Mats waiting for me in the arrivals hall.

“Hey, stranger.” He takes the handle of my suitcase and starts to wheel it towards the doors. “My car’s in the shop so I’ve had to borrow Patrick’s.”

“Wait a sec,” I call after him. “Would you mind if I went to the ladies real quick? I need to freshen up.”

Zev is intrinsically linked with Oahu for me. I just know that if I wait too long to see him again, I’ll drive myself crazy. I need to rip the proverbial Band-Aid off asap.

My brother’s not a huge fan of crowds but he’s got his phone with him so I know he’ll be OK for at least a couple of minutes. I leave my suitcase with him and just take my carry-on. In the ladies’ toilets, I find an empty cubicle and quickly wriggle out of my yoga pants and slouchy hoodie. I change into black jeans and a white t-shirt with ‘Save The Bees’ printed on it. It’s always good to bring a bit of the People’s Republic of Mancunia with me wherever I go in the world. I drag a comb through my inky-black hair and tie it up in what I hope is an artfully messy bun. I thank the heavens for all-purpose travel wipes as I wipe the aeroplane gunk off my face and underneath my arms. I’m not a huge make-up junkie so I play it safe with just a coat of black mascara and some cherry flavoured lip balm. When I check myself out in the full-length mirror, I think I’ve achieved the look I was going for. I definitely don’t want Zev to think I’m trying hard to impress him. The skinny jeans make my butt look good and they don’t give away that half of my right leg is made of metal now.

“You’ve been spending way too much time with Sierra,” Mats grumbles when I come out of the ladies’ toilets. He drags my suitcase across the parking lot to his college friend’s car.

“I need to make a pit-stop before we go back to the house.” It doesn’t feel right calling it home again after I’ve been away from Oahu for so long.

Mats rolls his eyes, “let me guess, you want me to take you to the Ink?”

“You can’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad, I’m just…” He stashes my suitcase in the boot of the car.

“An incredibly supportive brother?” I bat my eyelashes at him and yay, it works. Who knew that I even had any feminine wiles left? It would have been better if they’d worked on somebody who wasn’t my brother but beggars can’t be choosers as my Granny Jean would say.

“Fine,” he scowls as he starts up the engine. “But when it ends in tears, I’m not buying you any of that disgusting cow’s milk ice cream.”

“Deal,” I shake his hand. It’s not going to end in tears because that would only happen if I had any expectations beyond getting my Manchester bee tattoo back where it belongs on my right leg. Ha, I’m so convincing that I almost believe myself.

When we pull up in the parking lot of the Ink, I quickly climb out of the car before I can chicken out. I give into vanity for a millisecond and check my reflection in the side mirror to make sure that I still look OK. I know that whatever I wear for my first time back at the Ink will look weird because this is Hawaii and I’m wearing too many clothes but there’s no way on earth I’m going to drop that bombshell straight away.

I glance around the quiet parking lot and it’s tough being back at the scene of the crime. After he showed it me for the first time, I told Mats that I didn’t need to see the photos of Zev kissing somebody else again but truthfully, I might have looked at them online at least a couple dozen times.

I want to be an iceberg and keep everything I’m feeling hidden well below the surface but instead I feel like an inflatable pool toy, bobbing up and down in the water as each of my emotions battle to see who can show off and garner the most attention.

After what Noah did, I really thought that I’d learned my lesson but no, I’m the dumbass who still asked about Zev the second I woke up after surgery. I was almost off my head on pain meds and still my first thought was for the jackass who’s quite probably behind the glass door in front of me right now. He was that important to me and I know that it killed my brother to have to be the one to tell me that actually my plane probably hadn’t even landed back in Seattle before he’d moved on to that skanky beeyotch.

Nope, on this I’m resolute. The reason I’m here is because I want closure, I want Zev to give me back the tattoo I’ve lost and then I can pretend that the whole intervening period between him giving me the first one and now is ancient history and I can move on. You’d think that learning to walk again would have been enough of a distraction to get over what the jackass had done but it just made it a billion times worse because he very quickly became my motivation. I used my anger towards him for what he’d done before I’d left, the fact that he hadn’t fought for me and the hurt that he’d picked up and carried on faster than the speed of light, I’d used every last ounce of that SOB to get me here now.

I scuff my Converse trainers into the dirt and try to control my racing heartbeat. I don’t want to see him again at anything less than 100%. I can tell that Mats is watching me from the passenger seat of his friend’s car. It couldn’t have worked out better because the surprise element is really important. Zev might have bleached me and my family from his memory entirely but I’m glad I don’t have to take the chance that he’ll recognise the number plate of my brother’s car. I can see Emmy chatting to a client inside the shop and I know I need to get my butt in gear. I’m going to see them first not the other way around.

I roll my shoulders, getting ready to do battle. I take a step forward and it gives me confidence because it makes me remember just how far I’ve come that I can do that one simple thing that so many people take for granted. I wipe my palm on the side of my black jeans and reach for the handle to push open the door.

Shanks’ super-annoying wind chime still tinkles as I open the door. When I worked here, it used to drive me crazy because I heard it every single time anyone entered or exited the building.

Emmy sees me first. She does a cartoonish double-take and I bite down hard on my lip to suppress a giggle.

“Zev, get out here,” she bellows. She has a huge voice for such a small woman.

“Give me a minute,” his voice filters through from one of the back rooms. “I need to finish cleaning up.”

I’m absolutely not going to dwell on what hearing that voice after all this time does to my belly.

Emmy disappears and comes back a couple of seconds later dragging Zev by his arm.

 

ZEV

 

I don’t know what the hell is up with Emmy but I’m pissed as hell to be dragged out of my room and into the front part of the store.

“She’s back,” Emmy hisses, giving me a huge shove.

I look up and immediately feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. My ex, the love of my goddamn life, who left Hawaii months ago after she found out the secret I was keeping from her, is back.

The sucker-punch to the gut leaves behind a big hole which is quickly filled with all of the bitterness and pain I’ve been holding on to ever since her brother socked me in the jaw and told me that she wasn’t coming back to Hawaii and never wanted to see my ugly face ever again.

“What do you want?” I try to sound cool and disinterested. I’m not an idiot and only idiots willingly hand over their hearts to be ground into the dirt again.

She’s twitchy and I like the fact that she isn’t comfortable being around me again. She deserves every second of that discomfort. Yeah, I kept an ugly secret from her and I get why she’d be mad at me about it but she didn’t even give me a chance to explain, she just left.

“I want a tattoo.”

I look over at Emmy to see if she heard the same thing.

“You want a what?”

Lola rolls her eyes, “don’t be a jerk, Zev. You heard me perfectly the first time.” That strange accent, a mixture of Seattle and Manchester, wraps itself around my heart.

I fold my arms across my chest. “Shanks isn’t back until Wednesday.”

Emmy’s glaring daggers at Lola and there’s no way I’m letting my cousin anywhere near Lola’s soft skin. I’m not exactly happy about letting another man put his ink on what even now, like the pathetic fool I am, I still think of as mine but I trust Shanks (a) to give her a great tattoo and (b) not to make a move on her.

“I don’t want Shanks, I want you,” Lola looks me right in the eye.

“Why?”

“You’re the best.”

I shake my head, “hell no.”

Lola chuckles as if she expected that response. “OK, I’ll head over to Big Mike’s then. I know he’s always wanted to get his hands on my bare skin.”

“Like hell you will,” I growl.

“Emmy, give us a minute,” I call over my shoulder, my eyes not leaving Lola’s.

Lola breaks our gaze first, turning to look at the artwork displayed on the walls. “You know, I’ve always fancied having one of those tribal symbols around my belly button.” She lifts up her white t-shirt just a little so I can see a glimpse of her soft skin. Her jeans are low on her hips and I can see the glint of the silver dermals just above her hips.

I bite down hard on my fist to keep from groaning and giving the witch even more of the upper hand.

I gave her those damn things. I’ve given her every mark, every piercing on her gorgeous skin. If she hates me as much as her brother says she does, why is she still wearing them?

Her thumb grazes against the skin below her belly button and I think about how we discussed her having her belly button pierced once and I flat-out refused. The only way I was going to mark that particular part of her body was by giving her my child. I would adorn every other part of her with ink and metal but her soft tummy was going to remain pure until she was wearing my ring.

I might have scared off another woman with talk of rings and babies so early on in our relationship but she’d just laughed, apparently her dad was a Neanderthal like that with her mum.

“You don’t have to decide now,” Lola turns back to face me again. I’m still blown away by her quiet beauty. She might have ink and piercings but there’s something so sweet and innocent about her. She reaches up and brushes her fringe out of her dark eyes and I ache with how much I want to touch her.

When I come out of the haze, I realise she’s leaving again. She’s walking a little differently. “Is everything OK with your foot?” I ask. She might have hurt me more than any other person on the planet but that doesn’t mean that I want her to hurt.

It’s clearly the wrong thing to say because it’s like the shutters come down on her expression. “I’m fine,” she says. She’s biting down so hard on her bottom lip that it’s bleached out all of the colour. “I’ll come back tomorrow and you can give me your answer then.”

I curse myself for the weakness but “if you come after ten, I’ll be on my own.”

 

LOLA

 

“How did it go?” Mats asks as I get in the car. My hands are shaking so badly I have to sit on them. When I was in Seattle, I used to think that perhaps I’d exaggerated my feelings for Zev. I mean, if he could forget about me so easily, perhaps what we had was nothing more than an extended holiday romance? Who wouldn’t fall head over heels in love here in Hawaii? There’s a reason so many darn honeymooners come here every year.

“He’s going to think about it.”

Mats drums his fingers on the steering wheel. “I don’t get why it’s so important to you to get this tattoo and why Zev has to be the one to do it?”

“I’ve told you before, I need the closure.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt again,” Mats doesn’t look at me. He gives the back roads his fullest concentration.

“I appreciate it, Mats but I’m a grown woman, I can fight my own battles. This isn’t even a battle, all I want is to get my tattoo back and then I can close off that chapter of my life.”

“Or it will be even more of a reminder of him?”

“Ugh, I’ve already got his ink and piercings all over my body, one more tattoo isn’t going to make a difference. You’ve been spending too much time with Vada.”

Mats jerks the car to a stop – fortunately we’re right in front of the house – and I have to slam my hand on the dashboard. “What the heck was that for?”

“Why would you say something like that?” Mats is getting worked up, he’s gulping down air really fast and the tips of his ears are bright red. “Of course, I haven’t been spending time with Vada, that would be wrong since I’m your brother and she’s his cousin. My loyalties lie with you.”

“Sheesh, don’t be so dramatic, Mats. I really don’t mind if you’ve been spending time with Vada. She didn’t do anything wrong.”

I watch him visibly relax and he’s so busted. He’s totally been spending time with Vada while I’ve been back in Seattle but I meant what I just said, I like Vada. Even though I’ve sworn off men forever, I still think she and Mats make a cute couple.

 

After he’s dropped me back at the house, Mats goes to return his friend’s car. It’s really weird being in my bedroom in Oahu again after so many months in Seattle. I used to really like the teal paint on the walls, black and white chequered bedding and the bright yellow cushions but maybe it’s the jet-lag because now they’re giving me a headache.

I stand my suitcase up by my dresser and sit down on the end of my bed.

I did a good patch-up job before I went to the Ink but I’m starting to feel gross again after the long flight and so I strip off my clothes and walk into the bathroom. Maybe my first thought was right and after I’ve found closure with Zev, I’ll have to move on from Oahu to somewhere else because it doesn’t feel like home anymore. Seattle doesn’t either and I don’t like feeling so displaced. It’s strange because the closest I’ve come to feeling like I belong anywhere, since I lost my leg, was at the Ink just now.

My brother’s bought me a white, plastic shower chair. I remove my prosthetic and lower myself onto it. It’s necessary but I don’t like the reminder of my disability. I also don’t like that my bare butt keeps sticking to it.

After I’ve showered, I take my time drying off and getting dressed in sleep shorts and a vest. I’m not planning on leaving the house anytime soon because I don’t want anybody else to find out about my lack of leg before I get the chance to tell Zev.

My stump isn’t happy after the long flight so I decide not to put my prosthetic back on just yet and rely instead on my crutches.

I hobble back along the hallway to my bedroom but stop halfway when I see the map that Mats has had since he was little. He used to stick pins in it and of course because he’s an uber-geek, they were colour coded to indicate whether he’d already been to a place or if he wanted to go there in the future.

I’ve got enough money that I could go and live almost anywhere in the world. If I want the safety net of being close to family, I’m not just limited to the triumvirate of Manchester, Seattle or Oahu. My maternal grandmother splits her time between Manchester and Buenos Aires, where her boyfriend lives. In Europe, I’ve got my step-grandfather, Bernard’s family in Brittany, aunt Remy in Rome and aunt Ruby in Calder Harbour in the south of England. My eldest cousin, Rocco lives in Wellington with his wife, Arabella while his brother, Luca travels all over the world as a journalist but he’s based in Osaka.

I’m still thinking about it when there’s a knock at the front door. I assume my brother’s back already and has forgotten his key so I hobble down the stairs on my crutches. When I peek through the flimsy lace curtain, I recognise Vada’s bright blue hair.

I’m really tempted to pretend that there’s nobody home but she must have seen the rustle of the curtain or she heard the loud clomps of my crutches on the wooden floors because she squeals with excitement, “Jane, is that you?”

I was brought up better than to be rude so I prop my crutches up against the wall and open the door halfway. I hide my missing leg on the other side of the door. “If you’re looking for Mats, he’s gone out but I’ll let him know you stopped by.” Gah, I want to be good but my snarky side just slips out.

She looks hurt that I’m trying to get rid of her but I can’t forget that my phone wasn’t exactly abuzz with texts and e-mails from her or anybody else here in Oahu while I was in Seattle. I get it, she and Zev are family and so of course she’d be Team Zev but it still upsets me because I’d thought that we were friends.

“It’s Lola now.”

“Are you back for good?”

“I haven’t decided yet.” My good leg is cramping up and my hands are still greasy from the cocoa butter I applied after my shower.

I want her to leave like five minutes ago but she’s as persistent as a wasp at a picnic. It would be easier if we were actually talking but we’re not, we’re just stood on opposite sides of the threshold staring at each other awkwardly.

A cool breeze whips between us and my fringe flops down to cover my eyes. I reach up to brush it away and of course, me being me, I use the hand holding on to the front door and almost end up going arse over tit again. It wasn’t too far from here that I did the exact same thing with her cousin and even though she must have seen my stump by now given that I look like I’m playing Twister all by myself with my remaining limbs flung out in all different directions, I can’t help but chuckle because this isn’t what I meant when I said I wanted closure.

“Are you OK?” she asks quickly.

“I’m fine,” I fumble for my crutches and somehow manage to get myself upright again.

Her eyes widen and I know she’s just spotted my lack of lower leg.

“You’d better come inside.” Danny has already packed up his juice stand and left but although we don’t get a lot of foot traffic here, I still don’t want to take even the slightest chance that somebody could walk past and see me like this before I’m ready.

“I don’t know what to say,” Vada says as she follows me into the lounge.

I sit down on the sofa. “I’d prefer it if you didn’t tell anybody about my leg.”

“Of course,” Vada says quickly. “I won’t tell a soul, I swear… Wait a second, is that why you didn’t come back to Oahu? Mats wouldn’t tell me anything.”

I mentally fist-bump my brother for being the only person in the whole of Oahu on Team Lola.

“I was kind of busy learning how to walk again.”

“I’m sorry,” Vada gulps. “Does Zev know?”

I shake my head, “if he did. I wouldn’t be asking you to keep quiet about it.”

I like Vada and I still think that she and my brother make a cute couple but we’re not going to be insta-besties again. I’m stronger now than when I first moved to Oahu but I’ve also got a tougher shell. It’s going to take a while to rebuild our friendship.

“Honey, I’m home,” Mats chuckles as he tosses his keys on to the table. “While you’ve been gone, I’ve had to learn how to cook my own food and I’ve found this amazing recipe for vegan poke.”

“Can we take a rain check?” I lift myself up off the sofa and reach for my crutches. “I’m not hungry. I think I’m going to have an early night.”

“I’ll see you later, Vada.”

I can hear them whispering when I get to the top of the stairs. As I walk past my brother’s map of the world, I think to myself that just about anywhere seems preferable to being in Oahu right now. The shock of seeing Vada again, without the protective armour of my prosthetic, is a huge wake up call. I might need closure but the process of actually getting it is going to be much tougher than I’d anticipated.

 

ZEV

 

“You’re not really going to do it, are you?” Emmy busts out of the back room as soon as Shanks’ wind chime tinkles to signify that Lola has left.

“It’s just a tattoo,” I shrug and go back to my room to finish cleaning up. “We do them every day.”

“It’s not just a tattoo with her.”

I frown, “don’t talk about Lola like that.”

“She left you,” Emmy reminds me as if I’m not acutely aware of that already.

“She had every right to be pissed at me,” I remind her, “I should have told her the truth about how I lost my leg.”

“Yeah but she should have let you explain instead of running back home to Mommy and Daddy like a little bitch. You’re not a bad guy, Zev. You made one mistake.”

“I might not be a bad guy but I’m tremendously lucky that I only hurt myself that night.”

I hate the pity I see in Emmy’s eyes. Yes, she can be a fire-breathing dragon sometimes but if you’re accepted into her inner circle, there’s nobody more fiercely loyal. She puts a hand on my shoulder and I feel like one of the abandoned puppies she fosters for the no-kill shelter.

“She’s your kryptonite, Zev. She almost succeeded before but this time if you let her in, she’s going to annihilate you.”

My cousin decides that after the shock of seeing Lola again after all these months, I can’t just go back to my apartment after we’ve closed up the Ink, I need to go out with her and Shanks and have fun. They drag me to a bar, which is almost laughable because it was booze that cost me my relationship with Lola in the first place.

When we arrive at the bar they’ve chosen, I’ve decided that the universe has seriously got it in for me tonight because it’s just across the road from the mini-golf course where Lola and I went on our double-date with Mateo and the Smurf.

For the first time since losing my leg, I’m tempted to have a proper drink but I opt for lemonade instead. I take a sip and of course it reminds me of how Lola tasted like lemon drop shaved ice when I kissed her that night.

“You need to get laid,” Emmy slaps her palm down on the wooden table. She’s already a little tipsy and I’m thankful that Shanks and his girlfriend, Staci have offered to give her a ride home.

“That’s the very last thing I need,” I grit my teeth. Despite what Jane might think, I haven’t even looked at another girl since I saw her in her padding leggings and chunky trainers on the beach that first day.

“It’s the only way you’re going to get through tomorrow unscathed,” Emmy warns before disappearing again.

I’m looking around for either Shanks or Staci to make sure that they’re still OK to give Emmy a ride home when I see Vada walk through the front door. She’d better not have Mateo with her because the last thing I need right now is a mini-golf double-date reunion but fortunately she’s alone. I haven’t seen the Smurf much since Lola left because it’s awkward as hell. I know from Maggie that she and Mats are still hanging out and I don’t want to put her in the position where she has to choose between us.

“Hey,” Vada says as she approaches the table.

My ex roommate, Danny and his girlfriend, Kristy are at the same table but they move away to give us some privacy. I expected Danny to slam me with a big, fat I told you so as soon as I returned from Seattle but he must have changed his mind when he saw how messed up I was. We might not live together like frat boys anymore but he’s still one of my best friends.

“I’m just leaving,” I grunt, “can you make sure your boozy sister gets home safe?”

“You don’t have to leave, Zev.” I can tell she’s hurt that I’m so abrupt with her. “Emmy said you’d be here tonight. I just wanted to let you know that Lola’s back in Oahu.”

I snort, “thanks for the heads-up, cuz but you’re a few hours too late. She stopped by the Ink this afternoon. She wants me to give her another tattoo.”

“Are you going to do it?”

“If she stops by tomorrow, I might think about it.”

I’m tired and pissed-off and it’s not a particularly good combo.

“When she comes to the Ink tomorrow,” Vada bites her lip as if there’s a million things she wants to tell me but can’t. “Don’t be too hard on her, OK?”

“Don’t be too hard on her?” I splutter incredulously. “Thanks for the family loyalty.”

Vada sniffles and when I look up again, her eyes are wet. “I’m sorry, OK,” I sling my arm around her shoulders. “Seeing Lola again has messed with my head but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“I hate being caught in the middle of you two. You’re my cousin but Lola’s my friend.”

“Don’t forget your boyfriend, Smurf. I’m sure he factors into it somewhere.”

Vada goes bright red, “he’s not my boyfriend...”

 

ZEV

 

It’s a quiet night at the Ink which is good in a way because it means that if Lola does show up, we’ll have the place to ourselves but then again, it also gives me way too much time to think. If I say yes, I can get my hands on her gorgeous skin again, something that’s been haunting me every night for the last few months. I remember how good it feels when she’s in my chair, how her hands grasp the sides so tightly her knuckles turn white and she makes these cute little pants as the needle scratches into her skin. She’s this intoxicatingly heady mix of beautifully vulnerable and awesomely strong.

It’s just after ten when I see headlights flash past the front window. A couple of minutes later, I hear that damn chine go off and there’s a cool breeze as the door opens.

I’ve been using the downtime to go through some paperwork and I don’t look up right away. She said yesterday that she wants a tattoo but I don’t know if that’s all she wants and so I need to be on my guard. The stakes are also crazy high because of the conversation I had with her dad earlier.

When I eventually look up from the desk, the first thing I see is her face and I can tell she’s nervous, even more so than yesterday. Her soulful eyes have got dark circles underneath them and I hate that seeing me again has caused her so much distress. She’s biting down on that plump bottom lip but even though she knows how much it used to tempt me to kiss her, I get the feeling that she isn’t doing it on purpose.

Because I sure as hell don’t know when I’ll get the opportunity again, my eyes lazily make their way down her body.

She’s wearing a vintage Queen t-shirt and I remember teasing her about it because she wasn’t even born when the band’s legendary frontman died. She just pouted and told me that “great music is great music.”

Her hands are twisting themselves into knots.

She’s wearing denim cut-offs and I let my eyes drift lower. I look at her soft thighs, my ink still visible on her skin and then…

I have to grab hold of the desk to keep myself from doing something stupid. I know it’s rude but I can’t stop staring at where her beautiful, mangled leg used to be. It’s now been replaced by a prosthetic so similar to the one I’m wearing underneath my jeans.

What the hell has happened to my girl?

Lola takes a deep breath and it feels like it’s been a while since she’s been able to do that properly. She takes a step towards me and I marvel at how steady she is.

“You can see now why I want that tattoo.”

I look down at her prosthetic foot and I remember what used to be there.

“It was my first one,” she says softly, looking down at her foot. “I want it back.”

A single tear drops down her cheek and I can tell from how she angrily swipes it away that she isn’t trying to manipulate me. Before she walked through the door tonight, I might have thought that there was a small chance I could say no and deny her what she wanted but I was just fooling myself, it was impossible. This girl right here owns me, body and soul.

“Where…” I force myself to look away from her prosthetic. “Where do you want it, hot stuff?”

I can’t help it, the old nickname just slips out.

She smiles for a moment and then she must think something ugly because it quickly drops away. “Don’t call me that.”

She follows me into the back room and hops up on to my chair. “I want it on the same leg,” she gestures, “so I guess it will have to be here.” She points to her thigh and I know for sure that this right here is my punishment for driving drunk all those years ago because I can’t deny Lola what she wants but giving in means that I’m going to have to spend time between those soft thighs of hers.

I try to be professional as we talk about the exact placement and how big she wants it to be. I don’t have to sketch anything because I’ve still got the original design from her first tattoo.

The only problem is that her cut-offs aren’t the skimpiest pair I’ve ever seen and if I want to do this properly, she’s going to have to take them off.

“It’s OK, I’m wearing undies,” Lola giggles as she gets down from the chair.

I turn my back and start preparing my equipment but the room is so quiet I can hear the sound of her zipper slipping down and the Gods are really testing me tonight.

When I turn back around, she’s sat on the chair again. She’s taken off her prosthetic.

“Can I…?”

“OK,” she nods.

I smooth my hand over the end of her stump. It’s a thing of beauty, the scarring is minimal. I know she’s affected too because I feel the goose bumps rise up against the calloused pads of my fingers.

She puts her hand over mine and squeezes and I immediately look up. “Don’t play me.”

“I’m not…”

She looks up at the ceiling and I watch as she takes several gulps of air, “I didn’t come here to try and steal somebody’s boyfriend, OK. I came for a tattoo, that’s all.”

I blink in confusion. What’s she talking about?

“Could you pass me that towel please?”

I reach back and hand her the towel and she drapes it between her legs, covering her modesty.

She looks so uncomfortable; I have to make sure that she’s OK. I tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Lola, what’s wrong?”

“Darn, I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I thought I was stronger.”

“What hurts?” I haven’t even started inking her yet.

When she looks up at me, tears are pooling in her big, black eyes. “You.”

“Me?” How could I hurt her? Apart from when I’m inking and piercing her, that’s the very last thing I ever want to do.

“I need you to ink me.”

“I’m not going to do a darn thing unless you talk to me, hot stuff.”

My use of her nickname toughens her up, “I don’t have to talk to you. You’re not my boyfriend anymore.”

“If you want this tattoo, you do.”

“Ugh,” she groans, “you’re so annoying.”

I sit back and fold my arms across my chest, “I’m waiting.”

“Fine,” she concedes, “we can talk.” I grin but she hasn’t finished. “After you’ve finished my tattoo.”

“How do I know you won’t leave again?”

She offers me her little finger, “pinkie swear?”

But I’m not in the mood for games, “I’m going to need something stronger than that, hot stuff.”

“I promise, OK? If you give me back my tattoo, I give you my word that we’ll talk afterwards.”

 

LOLA

 

After Zev finishes my tattoo, I uncurl my fingers from the edges of the chair. I should have remembered when I was making rash promises to talk afterwards that I always get a little weird after I’ve had a tattoo. Without even thinking, I sag back against the chair, pressing my cheek to the cool leather. The familiar smell comforts me and I close my eyes for a moment, pretending that this is any other day at the Ink and there isn’t all of this ugly drama surrounding me and Zev.

I feel something warm and heavy land on my bare thighs and when I open my eyes, I realise Zev has covered my lower body with his shirt. My head feels heavy but I still find myself wondering if he’s so disgusted with my leg that he doesn’t want to see it anymore? But that can’t be right because he’s got a prosthetic as well and earlier he touched my stump so reverently it made me weak.

I feel a jolt and then he’s picking me up off the chair. He must have locked the front door already because he carries me up the back stairs to the first floor. “Why are you taking me to Rusty’s apartment?” I ask.

“It’s not Rusty’s apartment anymore, it’s mine.”

“Oh, did you and Danny have a falling out or something?”

“Nope, it was just time I got my stuff together, got my own place.”

“Won’t your girlfriend mind that you’re bringing random strangers back here?”

“You’re not a random stranger,” he bites out and his lack of denial that he has a girlfriend makes me want to weep. “And I don’t have a girlfriend, haven’t had one for months.”

I might be groggy but even I can tell that was total b-s. “I told you not to play me,” I squirm in his arms, trying to free myself and retain at least some of my dignity, given that I’m not wearing pants and don’t have my prosthetic with me.

“I’m not playing you, Lola,” he growls as he drops me on the couch. I hate that my heart rate speeds up like crazy when he growls at me like that, hate, hate, hate… love it.

“OK, maybe you don’t have a girlfriend but don’t pretend that you’ve been a monk for the past few months. My brother saw you making out with some skanky beeyotch almost as soon as my plane took off for Seattle.”

I’ve never seen him look this mad before – his nostrils flare like he’s about to transform into a raging bull or something. “What?”

“I don’t mind,” I blow my fringe out of my eyes. I still feel crazy vulnerable with no pants on and at least a flight of stairs between me and my prosthetic. I’m not scared of Zev, at least not physically, I know for sure that he’d never hurt me like that and I can butt-crawl down a flight of stairs with the very best of them even without pants.

That was clearly the wrong thing to say because he yells, “you don’t mind? I’ve been missing you like crazy all these months and all you can say is you don’t mind?”

I sit up on the couch and try to work out the best way I can get back downstairs. “So I’m going to go…” I lift myself up and hop towards the door.

Zev wraps an arm around my waist, “you’re not going anywhere, hot stuff.”

At least he sounds like he’s calmed down a bit. “Fine,” I huff, pretending like I’ve got any control at all as he dumps me back down on the couch. “I’ll stay but don’t feed me any more of that b-s that you’ve been missing me all these months when we both know for a fact that you didn’t even miss me for a night.”

Zev braces himself above me, both hands on the back of the couch above my head, “it’s not b-s, Lola. It might make me sound like an idiot since you don’t mind but I haven’t spent one single minute since you left here that night not missing you.”

I look up at him, “if that’s true, why didn’t you come after me?”

He looks shocked and I almost want to laugh because if he really cared about me, he’d have fought for me. “Your family didn’t tell you?”

I roll my eyes because of course there would have to be more deception in this already sorry tale, of course there would be. “Didn’t tell me what?”

Zev grits his teeth, “I flew to Seattle the Sunday after you left, Lola. I waited outside your parents’ house every day for almost a week until your brother socked me in the jaw and threatened to call the cops if I didn’t leave you alone. He said you never wanted to see me again and that me being there was actually hurting you.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not,” he sinks down on to the couch next to me, putting his hand on my stump. “You can ask anybody: Rusty, Vada, Shanks, even Emmy but maybe you should ask your brother.”

Darn it, I’m going to cry and that’s the very last thing I want to do. I take a deep breath and channel my sadness into anger because that’s way easier to deal with. “Please could you pass me my phone?” I say as calmly as possible.

I know even before the call connects that Zev is telling the truth but the resigned sigh from my brother when he answers the phone confirms it to me. “Why would you do that?” I demand. “You heard me asking for him when I woke up from surgery?”

Zev’s hand tightens on my stump.

“You’re my sister, Lola. He’d already lied and cheated on you once. You’d just lost your leg. Did you really think that I was going to let him come back for round two?”

I grit my teeth because I might have lost my leg but it doesn’t make me weak. “That wasn’t your call to make, Mateo.”

I hang up before I say something I’ll later regret to my brother.

“You asked for me when you woke up, hot stuff?” Zev’s voice is extra husky but I can’t look into his eyes just yet. I’m too raw.

“Of course, you were the first person I thought of.” I place my hand on top of his on my stump. “I’m so angry with Mats. Do you know how many times I cried myself to sleep at night thinking that I was so easily forgettable to you?”

Zev drags me onto his lap and wraps his arms around me. “I couldn’t forget you, Lola. I love you.”

I take another large gulp of breath to fortify me for what I’m about to ask, praying to goodness that I don’t get hiccups. “What happened with that girl?”

Zev breathes out a deep sigh and I guess we’re both all about keeping the air supply moving. I rest my head against his chest and he strokes his fingers through my hair as he tells me about Sam and their complicated history. It’s like my aunt said about trusting my gut instincts about people and coupled with what my dad told me about what happened with him and Mum when she was pregnant with me, what Zev is telling me feel like it’s the truth.

“I never pitied you, Lola,” Zev insists. We’ve shifted so we’re lying on our sides facing each other on the couch. He still wears my accusations from all those months ago like an open wound.

“I know that now,” I say softly. I weave my fingers into his dirty blonde hair, bringing him closer until our noses rub together. “It sounds strange but after the first accident, I didn’t feel whole again until I actually lost my leg.”

“It’s beautiful,” he murmurs, reaching down to rub his hand over the stump.

He’s holding back, giving me all the power but I’ve been without him for so long. I brush my lips against his, shivering as his lip ring snags deliciously against my bottom lip.

I’d forgotten how his ocean-blue eyes have little flecks of green in them. His hand moves up from my stump to my hips and he gently flicks the dermals he put there.

“Stay with me,” he says, pulling me closer.

I don’t know if he means just for tonight so I joke, “I can’t exactly go anywhere with just one leg.”

He pulls back to look at me, his eyes are so serious. “I mean it, Lola. I can’t be without you again.”

I know what he means. I don’t even want to think about a Zev-free future.

“Is that really what you want?” I tease, stroking my hands over his jaw. “My sister says I can be kind of annoying after a while.”

He smirks, “you do have a habit of running away from me but I think I’ve found a way to stop that.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Mm,” he places a gentle kiss just below my ear. “I’ll just have to steal your prosthetic.”

“Hey,” I mock-protest, “that’s not nice. Besides I’m an absolute legend at sliding about on my bottom these days.”

“You might be good but you’ll never be better than me, I’ve had a lot more experience, hot stuff.”

I might not play football anymore but I’ve still got my competitive streak. “I bet I can get down the stairs faster than you.”

“What’s the prize for the winner?” he asks.

I tap my finger on my chin as he carries me across to the door, “the winner gets to choose the loser’s next tattoo or piercing.”

“It’s a deal,” Zev says, plonking me down at the top of the stairs. “I’ve always thought you’d look cute with a little ring right here,” he tickles under my nostrils, “like a raging bull.”

I scowl at him, “keep going like that and maybe I’ll choose something very painful and intimate.” I look down at his crotch.

He throws his head back and laughs, “who says I haven’t already had that done? You haven’t tried the goods yet, hot stuff.”

Has he really had his junk pierced?

I’m still distracted when Zev says go and he quickly goes ahead of me. I try my best to catch up but my gutter mind is still thinking about Zev’s junk. He must be able to guess what I’ve just been thinking about because he busts out laughing when he sees how dreadfully I’m blushing.

“You didn’t play fair,” I pout. “I want a rematch.”

“Nope, it was a one-time offer,” Zev chuckles. He goes into the back room and hands me my prosthetic.

I raise an eyebrow at him, “you kicking me out already?”

He shakes his head as he helps me stand up. “I want you with me because you want to be not because I stole your prosthetic, Lola.”

I wrap my arms around him, “I am, I promise.”

As much as I’m enjoying being wrapped up in Zev’s arms again, I’m still curious. “Have you really got your…” I gesture towards his crotch again, “pierced?”

Zev smirks, “you’re obsessed.”

I shake my head as I follow him up the stairs, “I’m curious, there’s a difference.”

 

ZEV

 

“Fine,” she huffs when we get back upstairs to the apartment. She looks so adorable when she’s pretending to be in a grump. “I guess I’ll just have to wait until we’re married to find out.”

I pretend I’m unaffected as I wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her shoulder. “You want to marry me, hot stuff?”

She looks over her shoulder at me, “Meh, I guess you’ll do.”

“Come on,” I laugh, lifting her feet up off the floor and carrying her into the bedroom.

“I think,” Lola teases after she’s removed her prosthetic again and changed into one of my old t-shirts, “since you’re so hell-bent on protecting my virtue, maybe you should sleep on the sofa tonight?”

I strip down to my boxers, remove my own prosthetic and climb into bed with her. “Not happening.” I’ve been without my girl for way too long.

She rolls on to her side and I have to catch my breath because it’s just like old times but it’s a hundred times better because I’ve been honest with her about my past now. I fit myself around her and I’m almost asleep, thinking I’ve got everything I ever wanted in the world right now with Lola back in my bed, until she starts wriggling that cute little butt against me.

“Something wrong, hot stuff?”

“Nope, just getting comfortable.”

I bust out laughing, “are you using your bottom to try and work out if I was telling you the truth about having my junk pierced?”

She stops, “I might have been.”

I roll her over on to her back, our stumps rubbing together for a minute. “I’ve decided what my prize is going to be.”

“Huh?”

I flick my thumbnail over her dermals again. “Your next tattoo or piercing?”

“OK,” she says cautiously. I know she’s not exactly thrilled at the thought of having her septum pierced but she’ll go through with it not to please me, hell no but because my girl never backs down from a challenge.

I reach for her hand and rub my thumb over the base of her finger, “I’ll be a gentleman and let you choose between a piercing or a tattoo but I want it right here.”

She thinks about it for a moment, “tattoo. It’s too trendy to have a piercing there.”

“I’ll sketch something out.”

“OK,” Lola makes to roll over again but I stop her.

“Just in case you were wondering, that was me asking you to marry me, hot stuff.”

Her eyes open wide. “What?”

“I can’t exactly get down on one knee, Lola.” I brush a strand of inky-black hair away from her face. “But I’ve spent the last few months living without you and I don’t want to feel that empty ever again. I want yours to be the last voice I hear before I go to sleep at night and the first smile I see when I wake up in the morning; I want to make you laugh as many times a day as I can because nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy. I want to be your best friend, your lover, your husband and the father of your children, I want everything with you.”

“Sheesh, you’re determined to make me cry, aren’t you?” she whispers, a big fat tear trickling down her cheek.

“What do you say, hot stuff?”

She giggles, “yes, I’ll marry you.”

We kiss until our lips are puffy and sore. “Does this mean?” Lola asks cheekily, reaching down to lift the t-shirt of mine she’s wearing up over her head. “You’re finally going to tell me if you’re pierced down there?”

“Nope,” I press my torso to hers, not trusting my self-control enough to look down at my half-naked fiancée just yet. “I’m not going to tell you anything.” She pouts but her sneaky fingers are already tugging at the waistband of my boxers, “but I might just show you.”

 

LOLA

 

Yes, we finally do it!

When I wake up the next morning, I’m sore in lots of weird and wonderful places but I’m beyond happy.

My hand feels itchy so I lift it up out of the covers and there’s a red plastic ring jammed on my finger that I definitely don’t remember putting there.

At that moment, Zev pushes open the bedroom door so he catches me mid-scowl.

“You know most women don’t death-glare at their engagement rings.”

“They do if their fiancés sneak them on to their fingers in the middle of the night while they’re asleep.”

“You’re adorable.” He kisses the top of my head and before I can swat him, he runs around to the other side of the bed.

“You have to forgive me because I brought you coffee,” he smirks.

“This isn’t just coffee,” I take a deep breath, savouring the delicious scent, “this is Vada’s coffee.”

Zev climbs back into bed with me, “yep, I made a special trip. I figure it’s the least my gorgeous fiancée deserves.”

“Thank you,” I lean back against the pillows, letting the early morning sunshine warm my skin. “You do realise if we keep this up, we’re going to make Emmy puke every five minutes?”

Before he can answer, my phone rings. I look down at the screen and it’s Sierra. She literally never calls me unless it’s an emergency so I have to answer it. “I get to pick my own dress,” she blurts out before I can even finish putting the phone up to my ear.

“OK.” Either I’m sleep-deprived or she’s called me by mistake. “You do realise it’s your sister, Lola you’re talking to right now?”

“Duh.”

When I look over at Zev, he’s smirking. “Are you sure you still want to marry into this craziness?” I mouth.

“Emmy’s my cousin,” he mouths back. Yeah, he’s definitely got a point there.

I turn my attention back to Sierra. “Why are you calling to tell me that you get to pick your own dress? I would have thought at your age that you’re more than capable of picking out your own clothes although after seeing some of your selfies on Facebook, I’m extremely sceptical.”

Sierra huffs like she thinks I’m the biggest dumbass in the history of dumbasses. “I’m talking about for your wedding, you idiot. I’m your only sister so I’d better be one of your bridesmaids and I’m just warning you in advance that I’ll let you pick the colour but I’m picking the style of my dress. I’m assuming that you’re going to want to get married in Hawaii and so there’ll be lots of hot guys there and I’m not going to let you dress me in a sack just so you can look even more gorgeous in your wedding dress.”

When she finally stops to draw breath, I splutter, “how the heck did you know that I’m getting married?”

“I was listening in when your hottie fiancé called to ask Dad for his permission.”

“I can’t believe you still do that!”

“It’s really not that big of a deal,” I can tell she’s rolling her eyes at me. “So you agree that I can pick my own dress?”

“Yes,” I sigh because sometimes it’s easier just to agree with her. “If you haven’t annoyed me so much that I’ve kicked you out of my wedding, you can pick your own dress.”

“Excellent,” she giggles. “I’ve got to go but can you please not tell Mum and Dad that I called you and… congratulations, by the way.”

Zev’s still laughing when I put my phone back on the bedside table. “You don’t know what you’re letting yourself in for,” I groan. “Emmy might be a fire-breathing dragon but Vada’s her sister and she makes the world’s best coffee. I’m struggling to think of any redeemable qualities for Sierra right now.”

He’s still drinking his coffee and yes, I’m absolutely sleep-deprived because it only just hits me exactly how my sister knows that I’m getting married even though Zev only actually asked me a few hours ago. “When did you ask my dad for permission to propose to me?”

“Yesterday.”

“Yesterday? As in when I was still really angry with you, yesterday?”

“That’s the one.”

“How did you know I was even going to talk to you again let alone agree to marry you?”

“I didn’t, hot stuff. What I did know was that if I was lucky enough to get a second chance with you, I wasn’t going to make the mistake of letting you walk away from me again. I’ve spent the last few months without you and I never want to feel like that ever again. I wanted to do things properly so I called and asked your dad for his blessing just in case I got you back.”

“I can’t believe my dad gave it to you. Please tell me he made you work for it?”

Zev winces as if replaying the conversation in his head, “he definitely did. He also said that I should be thankful he wasn’t putting me through the same interrogation he got from your gran after he married your mum.”

I bust out laughing, “I think the fact that I’m not already knocked up might help matters.”

 

As much as we might want to stay in our perfect little Lola and Zev bubble, Zev has to work today and I need to talk to Mats.

“I really don’t want to do this,” I admit as we get to the bottom of the stairs. There’s still a lovely big door between us and the rest of the world, i.e. the Ink. I can hear Emmy and Shanks bickering on the other side.

Zev curves one hand around my hip, his thumb flicking my dermals and slides the other one into my hair. He presses me back against the wall and kisses away my worries. When he pulls back, I turn my head so I’m facing away from him and blink really quickly. I don’t want him to see how affected I am. During the horrible months that we were apart, I didn’t think I’d get to kiss Zev again.

He unlocks the door and then holds it open for me so I can walk through.

“What’s going on?” he asks Shanks and Emmy as we walk into the front of the shop.

“I need to check what appointments I’ve got booked for next week?”

“I still don’t know what you’re asking me for?” Emmy huffs. “I might be a woman but I’m actually a tattoo artist and not the office manager around here.”

“Lola would be able to find out just like that,” he clicks his fingers. “You need to get her back, Zev.”

Zev winks at me. “Yeah, about that…”

Emmy elbows Shanks in the chest, “ugh, you never listen to me, do you? We don’t mention Lola in front of Zev. It’s a sore subject for him. You know she was supposed to come by here last night.”

Zev coughs dramatically before they can dig themselves into an even bigger hole. They both look shocked when they turn around and see that not only am I stood right next to Zev but we’re holding hands. “Thank goodness you’re back,” Shanks says, “can you please tell me if I’ve got any appointments next Tuesday after six? I’ve got plans with Stace.”

I take a step toward the counter but Zev tugs on my hand. “We’re engaged,” he announces.

Emmy’s mouth drops open and I want to tease her that she’ll catch flies if she stays like that but I don’t want her to throat-punch me so I stay quiet.

Shanks just shrugs, “congrats, dude.”

“That’s crazy,” Emmy blurts out, “you can’t get married. You only just got back together.”

Zev narrows his eyes at his cousin, “I wasn’t aware that you were the ruling authority on marriage around here, Emmeline.” Yikes, he must be annoyed if he’s using her full name.

After I’ve helped Shanks sort out his appointments and got the deets about his new love, there’s still a weird tension between Zev and Emmy. I think it’s for the best if I leave them to sort it out so I get an Uber over to my brother’s house. I’ve got my own family drama to resolve.

While I’m waiting for the Uber to arrive, I call my parents. “Hi,” Mum says and I can tell straight away that she knows about Zev’s talk with my dad yesterday.

“Is Dad there?” I ask because I want to talk to both of them at the same time.

“He’s in his office. Hold on a sec.” I can hear her walking down the hallway.

“Lo’s on the phone,” Mum explains. She puts me on speakerphone. “She wants to talk to both of us together.”

“Zev asked me to marry him last night, which I guess you already know about. I said yes.”

“Congratulations,” Mum yelps, “but how did you know…? Did Zev tell you about our talk yesterday?”

“Nope.”

“Sierra,” Dad growls and I grin because getting my baby sister in trouble is one of my favourite things. “Get your butt in here.”

“Why?”

“You have got to stop listening in to other people’s telephone conversations,” Mum scolds. “Supposing we were talking about buying you a car for your birthday, if you overheard that it would completely spoil the surprise.”

“Meh, surprises are overrated. At least my way, I’d get to have an input on the make and model. I’d definitely get to choose the colour because nobody wants to drive around in an ugly-ass car, ew!”

“It’s a good job then that we’re not planning on buying you a car for the foreseeable future. God forbid that you had to drive around in something ugly. I imagine public transport will make a much better fit for you.”

“Ugh, you’re impossible,” Sierra grumbles. “Lola or Mats need to lose another limb so you can give them all of your attention again and I’ll settle for your credit card instead.”

“Aw, are you feeling neglected, baby girl?” Mum laughs. “I think she needs a hug, Kian.”

“This family is whack,” Sierra grumbles before she can be sucked into a hug from both our crazy parents.

“I think you’re getting soft in your old age,” I tease my dad because unlike Sierra, he and Mum can’t group hug me all those miles away in Seattle. “I can’t believe you gave Zev permission to propose to me after everything we’ve been through.”

“Would you have wanted us to say no?” Mum asks.

“No, of course not.” The Uber has arrived so I climb into the backseat. “I’m just surprised, that’s all. Dad always used to say that I wasn’t going to be allowed to date until I was at least thirty-five and I’ve got over ten years before that.”

“Zev and I had a good chat last night. He reminds me of me a little bit,” Dad says.

“Ew,” I wince, “please don’t say something like that ever again.”

“He’s made some mistakes but he’s a good man, Lo. Nobody will ever be good enough for my baby girl but I know that he makes you happy and that’s all I care about.”

We’re nearly at Mats’ house. “I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, baby girl. Always have, always will.”

“One last thing before I go. Did you know that Zev came to Seattle around the time I had my second accident? Mats told him I never wanted to see him again and threatened to call the cops.”

“Oh my goodness,” Mum gasps and I can tell she’s telling the truth. “I didn’t know about that. Did you, Kian?”

“I’m not going to lie and say I wouldn’t have done the exact same thing if I’d seen him but no, I didn’t know.”

“I’ve got to go. I love you both way more than mushrooms.”

When I look up at the house, Mats is waiting for me on the front porch.

“I still think I did the right thing,” he says, giving me the Warner family pouty lip.

“I disagree,” I say calmly, sitting down beside him on the steps. “I might have lost my leg but I was never weak, Mateo. You should have told me that Zev was in Seattle. It was my decision whether I wanted to see him or not, mine and mine alone.”

“Lola.”

“No,” I shake my head. “We know better than to keep secrets from each other in this family. You might not remember it but secrets and lies nearly broke our family apart once upon a time.”

I look down at the silly red plastic ring on my finger. “Zev and I are engaged. Mum and Dad actually gave him their blessing before he proposed. If you can’t be happy for me…”

I don’t know what I’m going to say next because Mats is my brother. I used to help Mum feed him and change his nappies when he was a baby. I can’t cut him out of my life completely but I also can’t be around somebody who doesn’t support me. It’s not about whether he likes Zev or not, it’s about him thinking that I’m weak and need to be protected. I’m a woman and I’ve lost my leg but neither of those things makes me inferior to Mats just because he’s a man and has two legs.

As if he can read my mind, Mats sighs, “you know that there’s no freaking way that I think you’re better or worse than me just because you’re a girl and I’m a boy. You might have lost a leg but look at you, you’re a freaking warrior on your prosthetic and I’m sure you could kick my behind six ways until Sunday. But you’ve got to remember that I’m your brother, Lola. It’s my job to protect you. When I saw Zev in Seattle, I’d just come back from visiting you in the hospital. The last time I’d seen him, he was kissing another woman. I was jet-lagged and angry.”

He’s so smart I forget sometimes that he’s still a teenager. He’s not that much older than Sierra and we all know how immature she can be.

“I love you, Mats,” I surprise him by giving him a hug. “Be happy for me, OK?”

“I’ll try,” he gulps.

“Nope,” I shake my head, “it’s like Remy always says; don’t say you’ll try because that implies that there’s a chance you’ll fail, say you will.”

Mats smiles, “I can’t believe you actually just quoted Remy.”

 

ZEV

 

“Will you stop fussing, woman! Just because they’ve got money doesn’t make the Warners any better than us.” Mom rolls her eyes behind Dad’s back. She’s trying without success to get him to wear a tie.

“Sheesh, it’s you that’s hung up on the money thing, Eric. I don’t care if they’re princes or paupers as long as they’re good people. Besides Cate and Kian Warner and the rest of Lola’s family are going to be part of our family after the wedding this weekend.”

Yeah, now would be a really good time to announce that we’re all stood by the open front door and by we, I mean Lola, her parents, Sierra and me. When I look across at Cate, her lips are twitching with amusement and I’m glad that she doesn’t seem offended by my parents’ bickering.

Mom spots us first and quickly whacks my arm, “yikes, Zev, you almost gave me a heart attack. Why didn’t you say something?”

“I was having way too much fun,” I chuckle.

“Mrs Montgomery,” Cate steps forward. “It’s so lovely to finally meet you, I’m Cate, this is my husband, Kian and our youngest daughter, Sierra. I apologise in advance for anything she says.”

At first Lola was torn between whether we should get married here in Oahu which would be easier for my family who are notoriously bad travellers or in Seattle. I knew she really wanted to get married on the beach where it all started for us but didn’t want to upset anybody. Fortunately her family must have been able to tell that too because they insisted that they could do with a bit of Hawaiian sunshine after all the rain in Seattle.

My dad and Lola’s dad just kind of nod at each other across our small living room. The rest of the Klein-Warners are arriving later in the week but her parents wanted to have a few days with us before the festivities start.

Mom and Cate quickly become fast friends and the silence between Dad and Mr Warner doesn’t seem uncomfortable so I suggest Lola, Sierra and I go outside to the back garden.

“This sucks,” Sierra flops down in one of the lawn chairs. “I haven’t seen a single hunky surfer yet.”

“You’ve only been here five minutes. You’re such a drama queen,” Lola gives her a kick.

Maggie and Louis join us and Sierra actually surprises me by being really good with my young nephew. Jason was supposed to make it back for the wedding but his leave got cancelled at the last-minute so I know my sister is disappointed.

“Do you know what we both need?” Sierra says, studying my sister. “A makeover.”

Lola gives her another kick. “What did I tell you before we got here?”

“Engage sphincter then drive?” Sierra pouts, “which I still think is a really convoluted way of just telling me to keep schtum but I wasn’t being rude. Maggie’s pretty but I’m bored and I know I could make her look even more gorgeous.”

“Um, thanks? I think,” Maggie raises her eyebrows.

“Hey,” I frown when I see Emmy has tagged along with Mats and Vada. “What are you doing here?”

“Ha,” she chuckles, “did you really think I’d miss the epic first meeting of the Montgomerys and Warners?”

“I hate to disappoint you but it’s not actually been that bad.”

“Apart from your dad accusing us of being stuck-up snobs,” Sierra interrupts.

“That wasn’t exactly what he said,” Lola gives her sister another kick to the shin.

“Quit it,” Sierra yelps, rubbing her leg, “I don’t want to have bruises all over my legs on your wedding day.”

Mats rolls his eyes, “it’s Sierra’s world, we just live in it.”

“I like her,” Emmy jerks her head towards Sierra and we all look shocked. “What? She’s honest and I respect that.”

 

LOLA

 

I can’t believe I’m getting married tomorrow. I’m going to have yet another new name. I’ve been Lola Warner, future women’s footballer, Jane Warner, blank space and now I’m going to be Lola Montgomery. I try it out for the gazillionth time, “Mrs Lola Montgomery.” Ugh, it still feels beyond weird.

I look at my beautiful wedding dress which is hanging on the back of my bedroom door.

Zev slept over last night (I kept the dress hidden in a garment bag) but he left really early. He said he had errands to run and I wasn’t exactly awake enough to interrogate him. I was kind of annoyed though because we’re going to be forced apart tonight because of tradition so I’d wanted us to have a lazy morning together.

I want to be Zev’s wife but I’m not exactly sold on the whole wedding thing. We’re so overrun with family members right now that it’s hard to get any time together just the two of us. At least that’ll change when we fly to Manchester the day after the wedding. I know it seems an odd choice for a honeymoon but I’ve wanted to go back to my hometown for so long and taking Zev with me will make it extra-special. Besides, we live in one of the world’s most popular honeymoon destinations so it’ll make a nice change to feel the wind and rain on my skin.

The last few members of my family: my aunt Sinead, uncle Fabrizio, cousin Amelie, Granny Jean and my step-grandfather, Bernard arrived last night and Mum’s planned a big girly lunch at the hotel they’re all staying at.

I catch an Uber and as we’re driving through the business district, I spot my dad coming out of one of the office buildings followed by Zev. Dad’s supposed to be playing golf with the rest of the guys so I’m immediately suspicious.

We’re only a couple of blocks away from the hotel so I ask the driver to pull over.

“So this is a surprise,” I announce as I catch up to them.

“I thought you were having lunch with your mum?” Dad says.

I narrow my eyes at him, “I thought you were supposed to be on the golf course.”

Zev tries to hide the bundle of papers behind his back but he’s not quick enough.

“What the heck is this?” I demand after I’ve read the first couple of sentences. I don’t care that we’re in the middle of the street.

“It’s a pre-nuptial agreement,” Dad says, “you’re a very wealthy young woman, Lola.”

I’m so angry I’m sure I can feel literal steam coming out of my ears.

“We talked about this, Dad and I distinctly remember telling you that I wasn’t going to ask Zev to sign one.”

Zev squeezes my hand, “I really don’t mind, hot stuff.”

I spin around to face him, “don’t call me that, not right now. I’m plenty angry with you for lying to me about having errands to run.”

“Lola.”

“No, Dad,” I take a deep breath, trying to get myself back under control. They might be treating me like I’m a little girl but that doesn’t mean I have to act like one. “Did you make Mum sign a pre-nup when you got married? You were a millionaire footballer and she was just a college student.”

“They aren’t legally binding in England,” Dad reminds me.

“That doesn’t answer my question,” I growl, “if they had been, would you have asked Mum to sign one?”

He actually looks sheepish, “your mum offered to sign something after we got married. She was adamant that if we ever split up, she wouldn’t take any money from me.”

“What did you say?”

“I told her that it was a moot point because it was never going to happen.”

I reach for Zev’s hand, “I feel the same about Zev. You might think that I’m naïve but I don’t want Zev to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. It’s like what aunt Remy always says, I’m not going to say I’ll try because that implies that there’s a chance I’ll fail. If I ask Zev to sign an agreement about what’ll happen to our finances if we split up, I’m acknowledging that there’s a chance that our marriage won’t last. I don’t acknowledge that. If I thought for even a single second that I wouldn’t be with Zev for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be marrying him tomorrow. I’m all in, Dad. I don’t need an escape route.”

I turn to look at Zev. “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

He reaches up and gently brushes my fringe out of my eyes. “I love an infinite number of things about you, Lola but whatever money you have or don’t have isn’t one of them. I’ll sign anything you or your family want me to sign not because I think there’s even the slightest chance that our marriage will fail but because I want to prove beyond any doubt that my love for you is the purest thing there is.”

I don’t care that my dad’s standing just a few feet from us. I lean forward and brush my lips against Zev’s. He tastes like everything I’ve always wanted: my best friend, my partner in crime, my sanctuary and my home.

“Are we OK?” Zev asks.

“Yeah,” I sigh, “just don’t keep secrets from me, OK?”

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, brushing his lips against my forehead. “Have fun with your family. I’ll see you at the beach tomorrow.”

“Zev,” I call as he turns to walk away. “I love you.”

“Love you too, hot stuff.”

After he’s gone, I turn back to my dad. “You know how I feel about secrets.”

“I know,” Dad sighs. “I might have to symbolically give you away tomorrow but you’re always going to be my baby girl, Lola. When I found out that your mum was pregnant with you, it changed me. I was reckless and stupid before but I became a man. I had to because I was going to be somebody’s father. I love you and your brother and sister equally but when I held you in my arms for the first time, I just knew that I would do anything and everything in my power to keep you safe. That’s not going to change just because you get older or you’ve got a new last name.”

I give him a hug because I know how lucky I am to have such an amazing dad. “I love you, Dad but you don’t need to protect me from Zev.”

“Can we keep this between you and me?” Dad asks as he walks me to the hotel.

I bust out laughing, “you totally didn’t tell Mum that you were going to try and get Zev to sign a pre-nup, did you?”

“Of course not,” Dad splutters, “are you crazy?”

I smile, “I thought you and Mum didn’t have any secrets from each other?”

“We don’t,” Dad says gruffly, “I’ll tell her eventually but maybe not until after the wedding. I really don’t think you want your parents not talking to each other on your big day.”

 

ZEV

 

I’m at a loss without Lola so I head over to my parents’ house after I’ve finished at the Ink. Lola’s mum, Cate invited all of the Montgomery women to the pre-wedding girly lunch at the hotel so Mom and Maggie aren’t home. Dad was invited to play golf with the guys but as I’ve said before he’s not exactly the most sociable person in the world so he volunteered to stay home and watch Louis instead.

“You’re not having second thoughts, are you?” Dad asks, not looking up from the TV screen. He’s in his happy place with a cold beer in his hand, a 1970s cop show on the TV and nobody to make excruciating small talk with.

“Not a one,” I say, watching Louis play with his toy cars on the carpet. If I was looking for a soothing pep talk the night before my wedding, I’d have definitely come to the wrong place. “When did you become such a grouch, Dad?”

“I’m not a grouch,” he grumbles, still not looking at me, “I’m honest, that’s all.”

“I don’t buy that.”

“You don’t have to,” Dad says. He raises the bottle of beer to his mouth. “You’re not a parent yet. When you are, you’ll understand.”

“Why don’t you like Lola?” I demand. “She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t like her. I just want to be sure you’ve thought this through, that’s all. Don’t want you to make the same mistake as your sister.”

“What does that mean?” I look over at Louis but he’s still concentrating on his cars.

“It means I think that good-for-nothing husband of hers could easily get leave to come home and be with his family if he wanted but he doesn’t.”

“Dad!”

“Despite what you might think, I like Lola. Her family might be rich but like your mom says, they’re good people. Her sister’s got a mouth on her but then so has our Emmy. I just want to be sure that you aren’t having any doubts because marriage isn’t a game.”

I look across at my dad and I realise that he and Mr Warner have a lot more in common than you’d think. He might come across as a curmudgeon but I know he only wants what’s best for me. Maybe it’s the same with all fathers. I hope I’ll be lucky enough to find out some day.

“I’ve been through enough in my life to know that I don’t want to play games anymore, Dad. I love Lola and there isn’t a single doubt in my mind that I want to be her husband tomorrow and for the rest of my life.”

Dad nods, “that’s all I needed to hear.”

 

LOLA

 

Mats is spending the night at Vada’s apartment so after we’ve come back from the girly lunch, it’s just me, Mum and aunt Liv at the house.

“What’s up, Lola Bean?” Liv asks when she catches me sat on the end of my bed, staring at my wedding dress again.

“I’m a little nervous,” I admit.

She sits down beside me. “What about?”

“I’m getting married tomorrow,” I let out a strangled laugh.

“Is everything OK?” Mum asks, joining us in the bedroom.

“Your daughter’s freaking out.”

“Did you feel like this the night before your wedding?” I ask Mum.

Mum laughs, “nope because I only found out in the morning that I was getting married that night. Your Dad made all the arrangements. I did have a little freak out about half an hour before the ceremony though.”

“What about you?” I ask Liv.

“I was a bit worried that Jax would have second thoughts about marrying a crazy lady like my good self because heck, he did see me almost burn down a church, but we’d had a baby together by then so I figured he knew he couldn’t actually ever escape from me.”

“OK, you’re not actually helping,” I flop back on my bed.

“What’s this really about?” Mum asks. “I know it’s not because of Zev.”

“It’s not,” I agree, “it’s the actual wedding itself that I’m nervous about. The first time I ever met Zev was on that beach and I still nearly fell over even though I had a calf and foot then.”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Liv asks softly, “that you’re going to fall over tomorrow?”

“Sweetie, listen to me,” Mum says, “your dad will never let you fall and before you start going all uber-feminist on me, that’s not because you’re a girl. It’s because we’re your family and that’s what we do.”

“I know what we need,” Liv jumps up off the bed.

“Everything’s going to be fine,” Mum reassures me as we lie there on my bed. “There were only a couple of witnesses in the chapel when I married your dad but at least you know for sure that Zev loves you. I worried that your dad had only asked me to marry him because I was pregnant with you.”

I bust out laughing because that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. My dad loves my mom with his whole heart.

When we join aunt Liv downstairs in the lounge a couple of minutes later, she’s recreated some of my favourite childhood memories by building us a blanket fort. I give her a big hug because it’s exactly what I need tonight. “I loved making these when you used to look after me.” Even though my parents’ marriage is rock-solid now, they actually split up for six months when I was at primary school and Mum and I moved in with Granny Reen and Liv.

Liv has even found some fairy lights from somewhere and draped them over the top of the fort. “I don’t know if you remember this,” Mum says, lying down on my right side. “When you were little, your Dad was looking after you while I was at university. There was a really horrible thunderstorm and you were so upset, he made you a fort just like this with lights over the top. He said the lights were…”

“Grandpa Eamon watching over me,” I finish because I remember how safe it made me feel.

I lie there quietly, sandwiched between two of my favourite people in the whole world and look up at the lights twinkling above my head. How can I be scared of falling when I’ve got this crazy bunch supporting me? Excitement fizzes in my belly at the thought that this time tomorrow, Zev and I will be married.

 

ZEV

 

I stand on that same stretch of beach where I first saw Lola or Jane as she was then. Danny and Shanks are by my side and I can see my Mom is already reaching for her tissues.

The front door of the grey and white Craftsman opens and I watch my bride walk down the steps towards the road. She’s completely transformed from the sad, lonely girl I saw that first day, hiding her injuries with padded leggings and chunky trainers.

The hem of the vintage lace dress brushes against her gorgeous legs, flesh and prosthetic. I hold my breath as I watch her cross the road, feeling that same surge of protectiveness. The sensation is as familiar to me now as breathing.

She lifts her dark eyes to meet mine as she steps on to the sand and gives me a shy smile. The music we’ve chosen for her to walk down the aisle to might be unconventional but it’s us. Jax plays the first few chords of “Still Falling for You” by Ellie Goulding.

I physically fell for her the first time we met right on this beach but I’ve been falling in love with her every day since.

The guests stand and join me in watching my beautiful bride walk down the aisle on the arm of her dad. Sierra and Maggie are her bridesmaids.

I can’t take my eyes off my girl. Her inky-black hair is tied up in a loose chignon and threaded with white flowers so I can see the lotus flower on the back of her slender neck and her dress dips in a low v at the front so I can see the start of the script which runs between her breasts. She wears the ink and piercings I’ve given her on her skin but I wear the marks she’s given me deep inside; the peace that I’d struggled to find after my accident, the love that’s nothing like I’ve ever felt before, the excitement for the future because every day with my girl, even when we argue, is better than the last.

“I love you,” I murmur when she joins me in front of the minister. I reach for her delicate hand and brush my lips against her knuckles. The skin at the base of her finger is still bare but tomorrow we’ll go to the Ink and Rusty will gives us our tattoos. We’ve worked separately with him to design each other’s and I’m excited to see what she’s come up with for me.

“I love you too,” she whispers back.