Emily
I couldn’t believe I’d just asked Daniel to wait for me outside. I didn’t even know how long my shift was still going to be, and I was going to make him wait for me. Was it wrong? Manipulative? I didn’t even know.
My job in the ER was exactly what I wanted from life. I mattered. I made a difference. Most of all, considering my position, I was in control. I was the decision maker in a high-stakes game where other people’s lives were involved, and it kept me on my toes. After what had happened with Chrissy, this was exactly what I’d needed.
To know that if someone died it wasn’t because I hadn’t done anything.
Asking Daniel to wait for me felt like I was giving up that control. Sure, the actual request was still in my hands and I was on top of it, but once I went to meet him? Where would it go? I had no idea, and it was nerve-racking. Not just because I didn’t know, but also because, in a way, I didn’t want to know. I was giving him the control, and that terrified me.
An ambulance brought a car accident victim in. Blood poured out of a gash in her head, one lung had collapsed, and she had broken bones and internal bleeding. I didn’t know if I could pull her through. We rushed around her, pricking her with needles, padding her up with monitor sensors. We managed, and after a while, she was taken to the ICU.
I wiped my forehead when it was done, noticing the blood on my white coat, and sighed. We’d saved her. I’d won. More control. She hadn’t died. What was Daniel going to ask of me?
How many long-term relationships had I had? Three? And all of them had ended the same. I hadn’t been able to hand over control. They’d called me neurotic, a pain in the ass. They didn’t want someone who emasculated them. I was smarter; I earned more; and I didn’t let them do what they needed to do in a relationship. I didn’t let them be in charge.
The last time I’d let someone else take charge, I’d lost a life. That was an expensive price to pay.
With so few men in my life who were willing to stick through the bad, it also meant that there was little good that had come of it. Sure, I’d had sex. I wasn’t a virgin. But I wasn’t what I would call experienced. I wasn’t comfortable enough with the idea of giving up control to just get into bed with anyone.
What plagued me was the fact that, with Daniel, I wanted to do exactly that.
A kid with a cut on the back of the head came in. He’d fallen out of bed, apparently. The cut wasn’t deep, but he needed stitches to stop the bleeding. We had to shave a patch of his hair to get to the wound. A lot of screaming and fighting about it later and they left with a stitched up wound and a lollipop.
Daniel was in the parking lot out there somewhere. They would probably walk past him on their way out. If he was still there.
I felt like an idiot hoping that he was still there. When I checked the time it was already two in the morning, and it had been hours since we’d spoken. But I wanted him to be there. I wanted to… what was it that I wanted?
The answer was simple. I wanted him to want me. I wanted to be able to give over to him. He was a force of nature, walking around with that don’t-fuck-with-me face and that look that made me wet in my panties. When I thought about it, thought about him, my body grew warm.
I wanted that. I wanted him to make me feel like that. I wanted him to take control, to take away this feeling of having to be in charge and to take care of whatever needed to be taken care of. I wanted to be able to switch off, just for once, and enjoy myself.
Most of all, I wanted to stop punishing myself for what had happened.
I realized with a jolt that I was expecting him to save me. I was the doctor in the ER who saved lives every day. He was the no-good, leather-clad son of a bitch, who walked in here and took what he wanted, and I wanted that. I wanted him. I wanted him to save me.
A headache started throbbing dully between my temples. It had been a long night. I’d only gotten off this morning at four after an eighteen-hour day, slept six hours, and then this shift had already lasted another thirteen hours.
Maybe all of this crazy thinking was because of a lack of sleep. God knew that there couldn’t be any other reason I was this Jacked up about a guy.
Another case came in, a domestic fight that had gone bad with an apologetic woman and a man with a broken finger. When they left, I shook my head. Some had the strangest relationships.
“Emily,” Hamilton said behind me. “You can go. You’ve had a long day. We’ve got it from here.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “There’s nowhere else I need to be.”
Except in the parking lot with a really good-looking guy who looked at me as if I was going to be his next orgasm.
“Positive. You need a break. Go on.”
I nodded. I checked on the woman in ICU before I signed out and made my way to the staff locker room. I took my phone out of the locker and texted Sarah.
I’m meeting Daniel now. He’s waiting for me outside. Help! What do I do?
It was the middle of the night…three in the morning to be exact. The chances that she was going to answer were slim. My phone pinged with a message.
Fuck his brains out.
I shook my head. Sarah was vulgar and to the point, but sometimes it made me uncomfortable.
Are you kidding me?
She replied almost immediately.
You know you want to. No reason to say no. Come on, E, live a little.
I took a deep breath and put my phone in my pocket. Live a little.
Right.
If he was still outside… Half of me hoped he wouldn’t be, and then my internal conflict would be solved. Half of me hoped he would be so that I could do what I’ve been thinking about doing for most of the night.