Chapter 8
A Sorceresses Fear
They walked across the field without saying a word. Bree was trying unsuccessfully to think of ways to deal with the demons that wouldn’t involve having to go into their lair. Now that they considered her a failure, there was no chance they would let her leave in one piece. No matter how hard she tried though, the red head’s attention kept going back to the man now walking just a little ways behind her. He was no longer trying to converse with her, and the fact that he would no longer walk beside her made the young woman feel ill at ease. While she had no idea what to say to him, or even what had made him fall in step behind her, Bree did not like the idea that he could be upset with her. Of course, it seemed preposterous. The man seemed to have no emotions.
That’s not true, a small part of her spoke up, but Bree ignored it as she tried to drag her mind back to what was important. If I had just stayed focused on the job, none of this would have happened. I would be on to the next job instead of trying to find a way through the plots of demons.
Ever since her encounter with Annora, nothing had seemed to go right. For a moment, she had a different concern as Bree thought about her friend. A part of her now wished that she had gone after Annora. The last time her friend was seen, Annora was rushing off into a forest bleeding, and Bree hadn’t even bothered to find out how much. It was as if she had intentionally avoided learning anything that would persuade her to do what she should have done.
Then there was Saskia. Bree had no idea what had happened, why the young woman had rushed off. What if there was something that Bree could have done? Instead of investigation, she had simply accepted it and went on her way.
The young woman’s justification for her actions was always the same. If she had gone after her friends to help them, it would have brought attention to them. And in the current situation, there was no way that she could guarantee that she could save them. Bree had just barely saved Calixto from what was a relatively easy threat. What if the same thing had happened with her friends around? Bree shook her head trying to get rid of the idea.
She lived a life that was far too risky to subject her friends to it. Naturally, Bree would take the time to talk with them when she was visiting near where they were, but never for long. And the night when she had encountered Annora, she had completely lied. There was nothing that she needed to do, but she felt dirty for having made a deal with demons. Bree just didn’t realize it until she was face to face with Annora. The happiness that she felt for the first few moments had quickly faded as the young woman worried about Annora finding out what she was doing. Instead of spending a pleasant evening with the friend who had raised her, Bree had run away and gotten lost in the attention of men. If she had stayed, would Annora still have run off into the night?
A heavy weight had lodged itself in Bree’s heart. It had been there ever since she had learned the extent of her powers – ever since that time, she had been pushing everyone away. Very little about her personality had changed, but her views of the world had completely shifted. Over time that weight seemed to increase until Bree had no idea how much more she could take.
There were many good reasons why sorcerers and sorceresses had allowed themselves to nearly go extinct. That kind of power was incredibly difficult to contain. Even if someone was strong enough to keep the powers in check most of the time, a single slip up could have extreme consequences. It didn’t matter to the powerful magic wielders how the rest of the world felt about them – it was a self-loathing that had led to their virtual disappearance.
The young woman’s mind swirled amidst remorse and regret, rendering her completely oblivious to everything around her. She stumbled as her head began to ache. Her thoughts had turned so far inward that it was as if she were watching herself from afar. As the next demon attack started, Bree stopped walking and looked around the field completely indifferent to the danger.
As the world again erupted around her, Bree felt something slam into her back, knocking her to the ground.
A voice near her ear began to yell, “What are you thinking? Gods, you are on fire!”
Bree barely registered the words. She was vaguely aware that the man was working to put out the fire, but Bree felt no pain.
“It’s alright,” she mumbled into the ground.
“Shut up,” the man replied.
Picking her up off of the ground, he began to sprint across the field. Bree began to notice small balls of fire zooming through the air. She reached a hand out to one.
It was slapped away, “Stop being an idiot.”
“What do you care?” Her voice was entirely emotionless as her hand reached out again.
“Gods dammit!” Without losing his stride, Calixto adjusted her position so that she was wrapped around his back, her arms pressed against her body. It didn’t even occur to her to try to get away. Her face watched as the fireballs zoomed past. A few times she laughed and blew at them.
Calixto was nearly breathless as they reached the foot of the mountain. “Stream. In.” It was the only warning he offered before they rushed into a stream that wrapped around the mountain and lazily passed toward the forest. It was the same stream they had been in before, just further up when it was still relatively small.
Bree began to protest the cold that had suddenly hit her, but she was still submerged. Bubbles wafted before her face. Reaching her hand up to touch one, the young woman began laughing, causing more air bubbles to rise from her mouth in a steady stream. Suddenly an arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her out of the water.
A sharp pain brought Bree back to her senses momentarily. Looking down, she realized that she had been very badly burned. “That hurts.” She stated before passing out.
The pain woke her several hours later. Automatically, Bree moved her hand down to use her magic to stop it, but another hand stopped hers. “No magic, remember.” The voice was cold.
The water was cold. Bree’s thoughts were disorganized and random.
Groggily, Bree turned to look at her companion. Calixto gave her a cold look before turning his attention back to a fire. She realized that the fire and some blankets had kept her from feeling cold. A pillow rested under her head. Her eyebrows knit together as she reached up and touched her hair. It was dry. Letting her eyes wonder to Calixto, Bree noticed that he was also dry. Several questions wandered across her mind, but Bree was too indifferent to ask them.
Her sense of smell finally nudged her brain enough that she realized that there was food being cooked nearby. Her eyes moved to the fire. Calixto was roasting something, but it did not look familiar. Again, several questions marched across her mind, but Bree simply ignored them as Calixto kept his eyes on his work.
Staring up, Bree saw they were in another cave. A laugh escaped her lips, startling Calixto, who turned to look at her. Bree found that she liked the sound of the laugh as it echoed around the cave, so she did it again. A hand immediately clamped down over her mouth.
“What are you doing?” The floor seemed to rumble as the man barely contained his anger. Surprised, Bree looked up into his red eyes and saw that he was furious. Something in her stirred, and for a moment she felt guilty for making him suffer.
She mumbled something into his hand.
He glared down at her before removing his hand. Bree sat up, “I’m sorry.” Once the words were out, the indifference settled back in, and she looked away.
For several minutes the only sound was that of the meat and fire. Once it was done, Calixto put it on a make-shift plate and put it down beside Bree. He began to eat his own.
Bree looked at him, then at her plate, but found she did not want to eat. The pain that had woken her was growing steadily worse. Without touching her food, Bree stood up and began to walk toward a dim light, thinking that movement would distract her form the pain.
An arm wrapped around her as she shuffled through the cave. “I don’t know what it is you are doing, but stop it.” Calixto picked her up and took her back to the fire. He was less than gentle as he dropped her back on the blankets next to her food and sat back in his seat, his face cold and dispassionate.
For a second, Bree wanted to hurt him, she wanted to wrap him in flames and force him to leave her. As soon as the thought occurred to her, a tear ran down her face. Moving closer to him, she put her head on his shoulder and held onto his arm. She felt his body tense, but he did not say a word. After a pause, he resumed eating.
“You need to eat something.”
Bree did not respond.
“Sorceress, you need to eat something.”
Bree did not move.
Calixto tried to shake her off of his arm, “It has been over three days since you ate. Eat.” He held a piece of food near her. Still Bree did not move. Though it was awkward, Calixto pulled her mouth open and pushed the food into it. He closed her mouth too. The woman remained motionless apart from his actions.
Suddenly the room became incredibly hot, causing her wound to burn more. Calixto stood up quickly, finally getting Bree off of his arm. “How am I supposed to react to this?” His voice was full of anger and resentment.
Bree stared at the wall, “Leave.”
The man made a frustrated noise. Bree knew that was what he must have done, but from her hazy thoughts his reaction sounded like the roar of a dragon. Slowly she turned her head to look at him.
He got down in front of her, his red eyes full of pain and anger, “If I had any choice, I would. But you have already seen for yourself what was started. I have as much ability to walk away as you do to cease being a sorceress.”
Her eyes looked into his, “I would stop being one if I could.”
It was like a cold bucket of water had been dumped on him. Running a hand through his hair, Calixto sat down, the rage subsiding. “Is that what this is about?”
Bree blinked a few times, but said nothing.
A warm hand turned her face to look at him, “Are you honestly sitting here right now wishing that you weren’t what you are?”
It was an inelegant question, but there was no way to mistake what he meant.
Bree frowned, “It would be better if I could be something else.”
Calixto snorted, “And it would be better if there were more hours in the day, but that isn’t going to change anything. There’s no point in regretting the impossible.”
“I don’t need to regret what I am because I have enough to regret with what I’ve done.”
Whatever Calixto was about to say, he swallowed it. She could feel his anger rising again, though she did not know why this time.
“Regret is a luxury for creatures like us. It is why you have to spend more time choosing a path.” Calixto managed to sound calm as he spoke.
Bree sighed, “I was bored.”
The young woman could feel him tensing as soon as the words were out of her mouth.
He took a moment to measure his words, “So we are in hiding because you got bored and took on something that you shouldn’t. Keep living like that and you won’t be living much longer.”
“I’m ok with that.” The words flowed out without her having to think about them.
Calixto grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at him, “I’m not ready to die yet. I have an entire clan that I need to take care of, and yet I am here with you. Your death is not something I can accept.”
“It will free you.”
“No, it won’t. I will die before you.”
Bree held back her reply, that it was his choice and that death was another type of freedom. However, the look in his eyes made her stop. Instead of continuing on with what she wanted, Bree decided to tell him what she knew.
Her eyes looked up for a moment, then they returned to his. The man had not moved, his face frozen like a statue as he waited for her response.
“The entire world knows how powerful my kind were, yet they believe that their decision that we should go extinct was what lead to the drastic decline of our kind.”
Calixto took a deep breath, his eyes flashing, but he said nothing.
“But other species never understood about us. Most species feared us. Then you had things like humans and orcs who feared and envied us. In the end, we were the only ones who could control us. Even back then, shifters were on our sides.” She looked at him to see if he knew that.
Instead of answering that, Calixto asked, “How do you know that? Is that knowledge passed down through generations?”
Bree laughed, then pointed to her head, “It’s written in here. When my powers became evident, it was like an entire tome was just dropped into my mind. It had virtually everything in it, and I never had to learn a thing.”
Calixto shook his head, “I know many people who would love to have that ability.”
Bree gave a faint smile, “Yes, I thought it was nice too. At least at first. But you know, if we hadn’t accepted that we shouldn’t exist, we would not have died out. It was not the decision by others that persuaded us of this, but the deep understanding we had of what we could do without meaning to or without wanting to. We can extend our lives for millennia, yet we chose death.” Calixto watched her, his fiery eyes dancing in the light. “It was guilt and fear of ourselves that led to our decline. I did not understand it at first because I could use it to help Annora and my friends to do better. But slowly, I learned just how dangerous it could be, and how even the most powerful are sometimes powerless. I seriously injured Annora once when I was just learning how strong my magic was. She was teaching me self-defense and I was using my wind swords. They cut right through-”
Calixto stopped her, “That was your problem right there. You let a human woman teach you how to fight. It was risky to use real weapons between the two of you.”
Very slowly Bree took a breath as she forced herself to remain calm, “I don’t know anyone who is better with a sword than Annora.”
Calixto gave her a look, “Then you clearly have not known many good fighters.”
Bree’s eyebrow rose, “You judge my friend based on the fact that she is a human woman?”
Calixto shrugged, “I’ve never heard nor seen anything to contradict my opinion of them.”
Bree felt the grin inch across her face, “Shall I tell you how many dragons my fragile feminine human friend has killed?”
She enjoyed watching as the color drained from his face.
Bree thought she understood what he felt, “By the time I learned about my abilities, she had already killed two of them. I could think of no one better to teach me how to use a sword. And there was no risk of …. distraction either for her or me. Or at least I thought there wouldn’t have been-”
Calixto stopper her, “How many dragons has she killed?”
Bree frowned. “Are you doubting that she has killed any?”
He shook his head, “If you say she has killed them, I have no doubt that it is true. How many?”
Bree pursed her lips, “To be honest, I could not tell you. I do not approve of her work, and she does not approve of mine.” Bree thought that she saw a look of relief pass through his eyes, but she continued. “To avoid fighting, we simply avoid talking about it. I know for certain that she has killed at least six, including the one that killed one of our friends. To be honest, I doubt she could tell you how many she has killed. She doesn’t do it for the glory, the money, or the fame –obviously since no one even knows about her.”
“I apologize for interrupting. I did not mean to slight your friend. And yet, despite having killed two dragons, you bested her as she taught you?”
Bree frowned, “No, I did not best her. I did not understand the power behind the swords I used, so when I brought it down on her sword, it cut all the way through, and sliced her leg. Before she could see the extent of the damage, I forced her into a sleep and repaired it. She always thought that she fainted from the pain because I never had the courage to tell her otherwise.”
Bree paused to talk about the one thing that she had never told anyone before. Whatever she may have felt for Calixto, she knew she owed him the truth, he needed to understand why he had to let her go. “It wasn’t long after that when one of our friends decided to become a dragon slayer. He died about a year later, despite all of the magic I had worked to protect him. He never had any aptitude for it, but Nyle was desperately in love with Annora. He never said exactly why he felt that becoming a dragon slayer was the answer, but I think he just wanted to be close to her. At first I laughed off the idea and told him if he wanted to be with Annora, then he needed to ask her to marry him. My words couldn’t sway him. Somewhere in that thick skull of his, he figured fighting dragons was easier than trying to convince Annora to settle down. Gods, but I got mad at Annora after that. I yelled at her and told her she was being irresponsible to let him think that he could do it. I said a lot of things that I shouldn’t have, knowing how it turned out. Naya has always blamed Annora for her brother’s death, but I know that Annora feels far worse. I doubt she will ever forgive herself, and one day she’s going to …” Bree shook her head and gave a sad laugh, “He was such a wonderful foolish boy. If he hadn’t been so obviously in love with Annora, I think I might have considered a more normal life. Not that he ever looked at me that way. And I’ve no doubt that I would have made him miserable because he always said that my smile was painful to look at. I didn’t get an explanation about what he meant until after he died,” she swallowed and looked up to fight back the tears.” I tried to bring him back afterwards, you know, because all of the knowledge was there.”
She refused to look at Calixto because Bree knew just how horrifying the idea of bringing back the dead was to those who understood what it meant and the history of the magic behind it.
“Of course, I didn’t tell anyone because there was always a chance that I wouldn’t succeed. It was ridiculously irresponsible,” she laughed, “but I didn't care. I could have ended the world and no one would have known what happened. Doesn’t that make me a terrible creature.” A tear rolled down her cheek.
She felt a warm hand on her, yet she refused to look at the man as he spoke, “It made you desperate. When creatures with power feel hurt, it is the responsibility of those around them to help them get through it.”
Bree looked at Calixto, “And when they don’t know?” His eyes weren’t warm, but they didn’t seem as cruel.
He squeezed her hand, “You have to learn to trust them enough that they can be there to help you.”
Bree shook her head, “I didn’t want to be dissuaded. I’m sure that Naya would have agreed to it because Nyle was the only family she had left. Saskia and Annora would have forbid it though. Well, Annora was in no state to do anything afterward. The dragon had nearly gutted her and I was just barely able to keep her from passing over. I don’t know what it was about the dragon, but the wound it left was not normal. There was some strong magic at work, though I had no knowledge of it. I still don’t know how it managed to make the wound open weeks after the injury. But, gods, was she a force to be reckoned with as soon as she could stand up. I have not seen her very often since then because-” Bree shrugged. “It is enough to know that she is well and to see her smile from time to time.”
Calixto waited for Bree to return to the point of her story. It was obvious that the whole thing was difficult to recount and the regret was etched all over her face.
Bree pursed her lips, cleared her throat, and looked at the ceiling again, “There was no reason to tell them what I planned to do. Nyle’s body was….not pretty. They never saw it because I took care of everything after he died. Saskia and Naya accepted his death after I told them that I had taken care of his remains. I never had to tell Annora because she already knew. I don’t know how because he left her in a building after she was hurt, so there is no way she could have seen what happened to him. But she knew. It was all she would talk about as I tried to keep her alive.”
Bree licked her lips and unsuccessfully fought to keep the tears from progressing down her cheeks. Running a hand over her mouth, she continued, “So I decided that the only way to fix everything was to bring him back. Annora was the only one who had any idea about the extent of my powers anyway, so there was no point in telling the others what I planned to do because they would not have understood. I hardly remember anything after making that decision. I knew it was wrong, so I basically shut off my brain to keep myself from thinking about it. The first thing that I remember after making that decision was the look in his eyes, the pain and regret that filled them. It broke my heart to look at that beautiful face again. ‘You can’t do this,’ his voice was as gentle and sweet as when he had been alive. Of course, I didn’t fully understand what he meant and I told him that clearly I could. He shook his head and held out his hand. I grabbed it and immediately started to cry. He pulled me to his chest and told me ‘You can’t do this to yourself. You already hide too much pain behind your smile.’ I said something stupid like ‘I just want you back.’ He stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head, ‘I know, but you can’t have that without losing yourself. Power can be used to prevent death and minimize pain, but you cannot reverse it. You have to let me go.’ I bawled into his chest because I felt like if I did let him go, I was killing him all over again, and I told him that. ‘Three wars. There were three wars started because of this magic. You may save me now only to lose me tomorrow, along with everyone we love. I accepted my fate, now I beg that you do the same.’”
Bree couldn’t hold in a sob at this point and she put her hands over her face. She felt Calixto waiting for her, unmoving from his spot. Brushing the tears from her face, she focused her eyes on the ground, “So I did. I let him go, and I have been afraid ever since.”
“You were afraid others would blame you for letting him go?”
Bree’s eyes met his, “No. I am afraid of what I will do if I hurt too much.”
A warm hand touched her cheek and oved around her head. Without a word, Calixto pulled her face into his chest and held her as she cried.