CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
It was cool outside. The night air had a slight nip to it that made me shiver. The wool blanket I’d wrapped around my shoulders scratched against my skin, but I didn’t care.
The cot underneath me was rigid and stiff. By proxy so were my limbs, but the discomfort of my body could hardly touch the deep ache from the gaping hole in my heart. I lay with my arms wrapped around myself, as if to keep the ragged edges from caving in. I squeezed, my fingers digging into my skin. Crescent-shaped indentions covered my arms, but I felt nothing. I was completely numb, encased in a fog that dulled my senses.
Zia and the Skippers were sitting around a small campfire a few feet away. The men were drinking coffee and laughing, while Zia pored over a map and offered a few small smiles in response to their goading. The warmth of the fire was enticing, but I couldn’t bring myself to join them. The golden-orange flames that flickered in the darkness reminded me too much of another fire—the one that had cost me everything.
We’d been on the road for days now, and every night it was the same. Despite my best efforts to stay awake, my body was drained, still exhausted and weak. Sleep came for me like an executioner, torturing me with sights, smells, and sounds that plagued me until I finally woke screaming in the darkness.
Serena and Maggie kept reassuring me that it would get better, but every night I woke with Gareth’s blood on my hands, the Master’s scream of rage in my ears, and Ty’s blue eyes, cold and unfeeling, staring into mine.
I can never come away from this. That thought reverberated in my mind, a never-ending loop of unspoken truth. I’d read an article once about people who experience trauma. The study showed that while many are able to move past their experiences, a small number remain lost, living their lives within themselves. The article called them the “living dead,” and while it had seemed so entirely strange and sad when I read it, I now understood what it meant to be alive but not living.
I stared at the flames of the campfire. They also perfectly mirrored the anger that flowed within me—the only thing that could reach me past the numbness. I was so angry I could hardly bear it—angry at Ty, at the Master, at Gareth, and worst of all, at myself.
There’s nothing more you could have done, the voice of reason whispered in my ear. You have to keep moving forward.
“No. I can’t . . . I won’t,” I hissed back, raking my hands over my face. I deserved every ounce of pain and suffering I got. Tears sprang up in my eyes, but I blinked them away. I’d spent too many days lost in sobs and heartbreak. It made me sick. Being numb was better.
“It’s not your fault.” Maggie’s voice broke through my thoughts. She was staring at me from her own cot a few feet away. Serena was on a similar cot, snoring peacefully. “I know what you’re thinking right now, but it’s not.”
“Stop saying that.” My voice was harsher than I meant it to be. “It is my fault. I never should have let him go.”
Maggie sat up, wincing as she put weight on her injured arm. “You have to stop beating yourself up. Gareth wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for what happened. You did everything you could’ve.”
I balled my hands into fists. “No, I could’ve done more. I could’ve tried harder. I could’ve done more.”
“Styles.” Maggie’s voice was soft. “There was nothing else to do. The Master had already . . . Gareth was already gone, Lainey. You have to know that.”
“And Ty? Is that not my fault either?” I clutched my chest as the hole spasmed painfully. Even his name on my lips was unbearable. I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting against the agony.
Maggie let out a soft sigh. “At least we have the Grimoire.”
The emerald amulet had still been around my neck when we escaped from Savannah. Our plan to steal it back had worked after all . . . yet, considering the cost, it hardly felt like a victory.
“So easy for you to say,” I growled, rolling on my side away from Maggie. I didn’t want to talk anymore.
“We should get some sleep.” Maggie sighed again and settled back down on her cot. I waited for the sound of her even breathing before I rolled back over.
She was asleep, but restless. She shivered, though there was a sweaty sheen to her skin. The bite on her arm had been cleaned and bandaged, but the black veins that spidered from the wound were spreading up her arm. They nearly reached her shoulder; the poison from the bite was working its way through her system.
“Will she be okay?” I had asked Zia when we had stopped to camp on the first night.
“Shifter bites aren’t usually lethal.” The other woman shrugged. “But the change won’t be comfortable for her.”
“The change? Does that mean she . . .”
“Yes,” Zia said. “Your friend is transitioning. She’s becoming a Shifter.”
“Is there a way to stop it?”
“I’m afraid not.” Zia thought for a minute, and then added, “But if it helps, Shifters have unique magical abilities—the kind that are not only useful but admired by many of our kind. If she can learn to control it, that is.”
I’d broken the news to Maggie as gently as possible.
“So . . . what you’re saying,” Maggie had said after a long pause of silence, “is that once the transition or whatever is complete, then I’ll have the power to change into any kind of animal that I want?”
I gulped and nodded. “That’s the way I understand it.” I had reached for Maggie’s hand to comfort her, but she’d already jumped to her feet, her face bright with excitement. “This is amazing!”
I stared at her. Was it possible that shock was making her loopy? “It is?”
“Don’t you get it, Lainey? This is my radioactive spider, my super-soldier serum! My chance to be something more than just ordinary!”
I’d tried to reason with her, to explain the challenges of what she might face, but Maggie smiled and waved her hand. “Semantics. Don’t worry, Styles. They’re gonna write a book about us one day. Just wait and see.”
The pain from the transition had gotten worse with every passing hour, but Maggie had continued to bear it with a smile, her eternal optimism never faltering.
Guilt pulsed through me as I stared at her sleeping face. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry for what happened to you, Mags. And I’m sorry that I’m not being a good friend right now.” Hot tears brimmed in my eyes. “But most of all, I’m sorry for not being brave like you.”
I rolled over again, the tears streaking noiselessly down my cheeks. I reached underneath my pillow and pulled out the Grimoire. It hummed in my hand, though the magic felt stale and disjointed in a way. I gripped the necklace, willing it to transform. Green lightning flashed between my fingertips, but the necklace remained a necklace.
I tried again, but it remained sealed shut. I had no idea how to transform the amulet into a book, much less how to use it or keep it safe.
With an angry curse, I shoved the necklace back underneath the pillow. My chest was throbbing, and my breath was coming in short bursts as my lungs fought back the hysterics that gripped me.
I wrapped my arms around myself again and squeezed my eyes shut. It didn’t help. I opened them again and stared up at the star-filled sky. I began to count—distraction was the only thing I could tolerate.
Lainey.
The familiar voice was barely audible, and I wasn’t sure if my subconscious had made it up or not. I looked around, looked at Maggie, but with the exception of Zia and the Skippers a few feet away, the campsite was still.
Lainey.
This time I sat straight up, my eyes searching. I saw someone waiting in the shadows of a small grove of trees. I didn’t hesitate this time.
I grabbed the Grimoire and eased off my cot, careful not to wake Maggie and Serena or draw attention to myself from the Skippers. I hedged my way out of the light of the fire and then dashed as quietly and quickly as I could to the trees.
I nearly cried when I saw her standing there.
Josephine. Her long dark tresses danced in the breeze, her face so full of sorrow that I had to clutch my chest to keep from crying out.
“Where have you been?” I croaked, my throat full of emotions. I hadn’t seen Josephine since the Gathering, and I’d feared I might never see her again.
She said nothing, but her own eyes began to fill with tears. She pointed to the Grimoire in my hand.
“Yes, I have it, but something’s wrong with it,” I said. “I can’t open it, can’t transform it. Shouldn’t I be able to?”
Josephine took a deep breath and held out her hand. I paused for only the slightest second before I placed my hand in hers. I was ready for the vortex of color as it swirled around me. This time the pain was familiar, and gripping the Grimoire, I welcomed it.
When I felt solid ground underneath my feet, I opened my eyes. I was standing on the bank of a small river. Across the water, there was what looked like a thick wall of smoke or a gauzy curtain. People were moving behind it, but I couldn’t make out faces or features. The place was peaceful, but there was something heavy hanging in the air that made me grip the necklace a little tighter.
“Lainey.”
I whirled around. Josephine was standing behind me, though for the first time, her garments were clean of blood. Her hair was combed and pulled back in a loose braid, and she was more solid than ever before. For the first time, Josephine looked nothing like a ghost. She looked human.
“Josephine?” I reached out to touch her, but hesitated and pulled back.
She smiled at me and reached out, squeezing my hand affectionately. I stared in shock at the hand in mine, the feeling of warmth around my fingers. “How is this possible? Where are we?”
“I’ve brought you to the Veil,” Josephine explained. “Some call it the In Between. It’s the only place I could appear to you like this. There is much to be said, and my time with you grows short. I wanted you to see me like this, if only for the last time.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Lainey, it’s exceedingly difficult to communicate from the Other Side. It requires incredible power, and I’m afraid that I am growing weak. My magic is running out. I will only be able to speak with you this one last time.” She smiled, though her eyes were sad. “Our parallel destinies made this connection possible, so that I might warn you of the dangers and be with you in that final moment when you needed strength the most—when you had to do what I could not do. But now, I must go.”
Panic rocketed through me. “But you can’t leave. I have so many questions. I don’t know what to do.” I sucked in a large breath, trying to keep it together. “The Master, he . . . he . . .” I broke off as a sob lodged in my throat.
Tears dripped down Josephine’s cheeks, the pain in her eyes mirroring mine. “I know.” She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close. I clung to her as a torrent of emotions poured out of me. Josephine held me, rubbing my hair until my sobs had subsided. I knew I didn’t have to say the words. Josephine had been through it all.
The crater in my chest felt ragged and raw, but for the first time in two days, I felt like I could breathe again. I pulled back and wiped my cheeks with my hand. “I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t apologize to me, Lainey. I know your pain well. Our paths are connected; your pain is my pain.”
I nodded, remembering Henry and the loss of her child. I took a deep breath. “Why can’t I open the Grimoire?”
Josephine gently took the necklace from my hand. “Because this is not the Grimoire.” She waved her hand, and the necklace began to bubble and ripple. With an audible pop, the magic surrounding it evaporated, and it transformed into a thick, leather-bound book.
She handed the book back to me. Gripping the spine, I flipped through it. Every single page was blank.
“But . . .” I kept turning the pages, unwilling to believe it. My mind was whirling, trying to come up with some kind of explanation, but there wasn’t one. “It’s a fake,” I finally whispered. My fingers dug into the covers of the book. “It’s a fake.”
Josephine nodded gravely. “Yes.”
Pain shot through me, followed by hot flashes of anger and frustration. “Then it was all for nothing?” I cried. “Oh, God!” I clutched at my heart as I thought of Gareth. “Oh my God.”
I whirled on Josephine. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I was nearly hysterical.
“Please hear me,” Josephine urged. “I swear to you, Lainey. There are secrets even in death.”
“You didn’t know?”
Josephine shook her head. “No, I did not. Things are not always as simple as they seem. Not even here.” She gestured at her surroundings.
“So is that why you’re here now? To tell me that I’ve failed? That everything I did was for nothing?”
“No, I’ve come to show you something.”
Josephine waved her hand, and a small block of color swirled into view.
An image took shape. It was my mother.
I bit back a cry as I watched her kneel beside the bed of a sleeping child.
“That’s me,” I whispered, staring at the tiny version of myself curled up beneath a fuzzy pink blanket, my thick hair spread across the pillow like a fan. My mother reached for my hand, her eyes full of tears.
“My darling girl,” she whispered, pressing my fingers against her cheek. “My sweet baby. I know you won’t understand this and you’ll probably hate me, but please believe I’m doing this for you. You have such a big heart, and you’re so strong. You’ve always been so brave.”
My lip began to quiver as I listened, and tears of my own began rolling down my cheeks.
She kissed my palm and then reached down and picked up a book, the Grimoire. “Now you’ll both be safe,” she said, her voice clear and full of resolve.
She began to murmur words soft enough that I couldn’t make them out. But the Grimoire responded. The book began to glow, and then it began to smoke as if it were on fire.
I cried out as I watched the book become consumed with glowing green flames. As the pages burned, their essences seemed to gather into a cloud of vapor that swirled like a tornado on the ceiling.
When the entire book had been consumed and eradicated, I watched my mother say one final word and wave her hand over my head. The swirling cloud of vapor plummeted downward and poured into the sleeping child’s mind. I did not even stir.
When the room was dark again, my mother kissed me once more and then walked out of the room, shutting the door softly behind her.
“Are you sure you have to leave?” A younger Gareth rounded the corner, his face mournful.
“You know I have no other choice.” Her voice was ragged. “I won’t let anything happen to her, Gareth. I won’t!” My mother’s tears were flowing freely now. “You have to keep her safe. He can never find out about her.”
Gareth nodded solemnly. “I promise.” He reached out his hand and my mother shook it, a golden glow emanating from their touch.
The image faded away, leaving me alone again with Josephine.
“Promises forged through magic can only be broken by death. Your mother sealed the truth of what she’d done in the vow Gareth made to keep you safe,” Josephine said. “He had no way of knowing the secret he was carrying, and neither did anyone else. Not until . . .”
“Not until I killed him,” I finished. The words sliced through me, but I forced the pain away. “But I still don’t understand,” I said. “What did my mother do to me? What secret? She destroyed the Grimoire.”
“No,” Josephine said softly. “You mother did not destroy the Grimoire. She transfigured it. The book no longer exists in physical form. What your mother did has never been done before, but she thought it was the best way to keep you both from the clutches of the Master.”
“If the book no longer exists in physical form, then where does it exist?”
Josephine gave a tiny, encouraging smile. “In you, Lainey.”
“In me?” I swallowed hard, feeling my body sway as adrenaline and panic swam through my veins.
“Yes. Lainey, there is no Grimoire anymore. You are the Grimoire.”
I blanched. For several moments I couldn’t speak. “What does that mean?”
“It means that everything that was in the Grimoire—all of the information, the spells, the power—it’s all a part of you now. You are the last remaining Keeper, and it is your job, your destiny to keep it all safe.”
“But I don’t even know how to use my powers.” I felt very small, like a child who’s just been given an impossible responsibility. “How can I be responsible for something of this magnitude when I have no idea how to use it?”
Josephine reached out and caressed my cheek. “You’ll learn in time. Go with Zia to the Hetaeria base camp. There are people there who can help you, train you. The Master is coming for you, Lainey. You must be ready.”
I swayed on my feet but managed to stay upright. I was shaking all over. “I don’t know if I can do this.” My words were barely louder than a whisper.
“You must.”
I sucked in a breath as I remembered Gareth’s words. You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. Those choices are what will determine your destiny.
I realized then that, despite my pain, I wasn’t one of the living dead, and in that moment, I knew I didn’t want to be.
“I know,” I finally said. “I know.” The words filled me with renewed strength, and though I was still raw and aching, my fear and anger dissipated.
I thought of my mother, of Josephine, of all the Keepers that came before me—their strength, their courage was mine now, flowing through my veins. I was a DuCarmont witch, and I was choosing to be strong.
“I am the Keeper of the Grimoire,” I said, my voice clear and strong. “Now and forever.”
Josephine smiled proudly and nodded.
“Won’t I see you again?” I asked hopefully.
Josephine’s smile was a little sad. “One day, I hope.” She looked over her shoulder, as if someone had called her name. “I’m afraid I must go now. My power isn’t strong enough to sustain me much longer. But there’s one last thing I must show you.” She pointed to the gauzy barrier. “Look.”
I followed her gaze and saw the outline of three figures standing beyond the shadows. One was tall with broad shoulders; the other two had their hands linked. One was small and petite, yet strong, and the other was solid and of a medium height. The tall one raised an arm in greeting, and I felt the tiniest beat of life in my chest.
And I knew.
“Mom and Dad . . . Gareth . . .” I smiled, though I tasted salt from my tears. “They’re okay?” I asked Josephine. “They’re happy?”
“Yes, dear one. They are together and happy. And so proud of you.”
Her words jump-started my heart, and for the first time in days, I felt it beating with life. I was bruised and weary, but I was whole again.
I wrapped my arms around Josephine, squeezing her tightly. “Thank you,” I said. “For everything.” I pulled away. “Will you do something for me? Will you tell them I love them, that I won’t let them down. Can you do that?”
Josephine’s eyes were full of tears and she nodded. “Of course.” She leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Be brave, Lainey,” she whispered. “As you always are.”
She gave my hand one last squeeze and then stepped across the river and through the Veil. I watched her go, and when the swirling vortex of color came for me, I was ready.
With one last look at the shadows, I closed my eyes and waited for the darkness.
It was the sound of birds chirping in the trees that let me know I was back at the campsite. When I opened my eyes, Maggie was sitting up in her cot, yawning and stretching. “Morning,” she chirped.
I sat up slowly. The sun was just beginning to peek through the trees. It was a new day. A fresh start. I smiled to myself.
“Hey, Styles? What’s that on your arm?” Maggie was staring at me with wide eyes.
I looked down to see a small emerald tattoo on my wrist. It was green and the exact shape of Josephine’s emerald amulet. You are the Grimoire.
I ran a finger over the tattoo and smiled. “Magic always leaves a mark,” I said simply. Thank you, Josephine.
I stood up from my cot, ignoring the bewildered look on Maggie’s face, and walked over to where Zia and the Skippers were packing up the camping gear.
“How long till we reach base camp?”
The Skippers looked up in surprise, but Zia didn’t even glance away from the map she was folding. “Couple of days. We’re going to take a few back roads just to make sure no one is following us.” She tucked the map into her back pocket and gave me an indifferent glance. “We need to leave in ten minutes. Are you ready?”
I took a deep breath. My future was uncertain, and there was no telling what new trials and tribulations awaited me, but there was one thing I knew for certain.
I looked Zia in the eye and smiled.
“I’m ready.”