Chapter Four

 

Arthur

Eighteen Months Ago

“Oh my God.”  King Arthur complained to no one in particular.  “I am so bored, right now.”

He could feel Galahad and Guinevere exchanging long-suffering looks with each other, but he didn’t really care.  He was the king and he was bored and that was all that mattered.  His bitch of a queen and her lapdog of a bodyguard might have nothing better to do with their boring days, but Arthur was an important man.

“I’m sorry, your majesty.”  The White Rabbit stammered out.  “Won’t be but a minute more.”  He checked his pocket watch, as if prepared to time this stupid experiment right down to the second.  The twitchy creature was supposed to be the greatest Dark Scientist in the known world, but he was also as irritating as --well-- a hyper-active rabbit.

The whole group of royal observers were standing in the lab that Arthur had bought the little fucker, staring through the glass window at two swamp trolls.  Who were doing nothing.  And had been doing nothing, for at least twenty minutes.  The wart-y bastards were just sitting in the middle of the sterile, white space, playing cards.  It was like watching boring paint dry on a boring wall.

Arthur tilted his head back to stare up at the ceiling, groaning impatiently.  “This is taking forever.”  He whined, because nobody there understood how hard it was to be him.  It was just never ending responsibility and bullshit and pressure.  “I want to go to my jousting match, already.”  Where Jill would be waiting with a willing mouth and a lot of praise for his athletic prowess.  How could anyone expect him to sit through this boring chemistry crap?

“Patience, sire.”  The Scarecrow soothed.  His painted-on gaze stayed riveted on the trolls.  “We’ve been anticipating this moment with much fervor.  We can contain our eagerness for a few moments more, yes?”

Arthur rolled his eyes, restlessly fishing out his cellphone to check his texts.  “Whatever.”  Maybe Jill had sent him some naked pictures or something.

“I don’t like this.”  Gwen told Galahad, because now she wanted to whore around with Camelot’s greatest, Goodest knight.  Never let it be said that the woman didn’t like variety in her bed partners.  “Are we sure those men are volunteers?”

“I checked, highness.”  Galahad always called Gwen by her title, but his voice was filled with familiarity and warmth.  They were so definitely screwing each other, it was a wonder they didn’t just video tape it and sell copies to the whole court.  “The two trolls did indeed agree to take part in the experiment.  They were not forced into this.  They’re actually very good friends, who are being well-compensated.”  He smiled.  “They were both heartened by your concern for them, by the way.”

Arthur made a face at the Prick’s spineless pandering. Galahad was the one man in Camelot more handsome than Arthur, which meant he was a total prick.  Even his toothbrush-ad of a smile was prick-ish.

Gwen beamed up at Galahad, like the Prick had just single-handedly found Atlantis.  “Thank you, Gal.  I knew I could count on you to ensure they were safe.”  She patted his muscular arm and stared into the lab for another endless number of boring seconds.  “This is kind of ridiculous, though.”  She finally admitted.  “I hate to agree with Arthur, but it’s taking forever.  I’m supposed to have a board meeting for that Lilliputian charity thing…”

“And I have to go to my jousting match!”  Arthur interrupted loudly.  “Why is your stuff always more important than mine, huh?  I’m the king.”

Galahad’s purpley-blue eyes narrowed in Arthur’s direction, because the Prick was always on her side.  Everyone was on Gwen’s side.  Arthur was the king, but no one ever cared about his side.  They wanted her to run the damn kingdom.

Even Arthur’s own father had told him to shut up and let Gwen handle things.  Those had been the old fart’s final words of advice, in fact, before he left to fight the gryphon on another one of the Looking Glass Campaigns.

While I’m gone, shut up and let the woman run the kingdom.  I’d like it to still be standing when I get back.

Of course Uther hadn’t come back.  Arthur’s father had died fighting the winged monsters, a victim of their barbaric nature.  Those lawless savages had sent back his body in pieces, painted with primitive markings and skinned alive.  It wasn’t hard to understand why Uther had been so intent on wiping their entire cave-dwelling race from existence.  It was the only thing Arthur and his father had ever agreed on, in fact.

Gryphons all deserved to die.

Luckily, most of them already had.  Good always triumphed over Bad.

Once Uther was gone, though, Arthur had ignored his insulting order to let Gwen rule and taken over the kingdom himself.  Why shouldn’t he?  He was born for the job.  Ordained by God.  Somehow things kept going wrong for him, though.  No matter what Arthur did, he still had nothing to show for it.  He was king now, but he was stuck with an unfaithful wife, a bastard daughter, and a kingdom that seemed to be crumbling all around him.

Once Dark Science got up and running, he would show them all.

He would do what his father couldn’t and exterminate the few remaining gryphon.  He would force everyone to bend to his will.  He would make sure Avalon was dealt with, and Gwen learned her place, and get rid of Galahad, once and for all.

No one was ever going to disrespect him, again.

Gwen flashed Arthur a look of total contempt.  “I’m agreeing with you, you big, dumb idiot.  This is taking too long.  We can’t stand here all day and…”

“It’s happening!”  The White Rabbit burst out.  “Look!”  Inside the lab the two swamp trolls had risen to their feet, blank expressions on their faces.  It was like they were no longer present inside their bodies, their eyes just glassy marbles in their green faces.

“What’s happening?”  Arthur demanded, kind of creeped out by the trolls’ stillness.  “They’re just standing there.  Is this what I’ve been paying you to do?  Get Baddies to stand in a room and look stupid?  I could get that done for free.”

Gwen slanted him another disgusted look.

“These two trolls are Bad, sire.”  The White Rabbit adjusted his bowtie.  “Yes indeedy.  Very, very Bad.  But thanks to Dark Science, we’re about to fix them right up.  I’ve given them a shot of my new formula, you see.  Under its influence, they’ll have to follow any command a Good folk gives them.  Anything at all.”

“Anything?”  Arthur’s mind went to some delightfully dirty places.  “So, if… say…. a really hot, really evil fairy took this formula, she’d have to do anything I asked?”  Well, hell!  This was turning out to be a great investment, after all.  Arthur started to grin.  “Why do we have ugly trolls to experiment on, then?  We should have some ladies!”

Galahad caught hold of Gwen’s wrist, like he expected her to do something violent to Arthur.  Which was probably a good guess.  The woman was a total bitch.

The Rabbit smiled proudly, buck-teeth jutting.  “Oh we’ll be doing far more than just getting lap-dances from wicked strippers, sire.  I’m going to use my formula to turn Bad folks Good!  Just as you asked.  For your daughter.”

Oh yeah… Arthur had asked that.

He’d been drunk at the time, but it was still an awesome idea.

He didn’t hate all Bad folk.  Jill was Bad, after all.  But there was no getting around the fact that Bad folk were just… less.  Fixing them was necessary.  A gift to the world.  Especially, if the formula fixed Avalon.  God, he detested her.  If this stuff actually worked, that little harpy could start taking it with her milk and cookies at bedtime.  Maybe then Arthur would stop hearing about her fucking “daddy.”

“What?”  Gwen’s head whipped around, not even considering the awesomeness of the idea.  “That’s what this is about?!”  Blazing eyes narrowed at Arthur.  “You think you can turn my daughter into some kind of laboratory rat?  Is that your plan?”

“If you want to pass that delusional brat off as mine, we’re going to have to fix her somehow.”  Arthur argued, angry that suddenly he was the villain here.  The child always started the problems, not him.  “I asked the Rabbit to look into some formulas to cure Avalon’s Baddness and he’s done it.”

“There is nothing wrong with Avalon, you son of a bitch!”

“Of course there is!  She’s evil.”  Arthur slapped a hand across his forehead, demonstrating the utter stupidity of Gwen’s stupid objections.  He never should have married such an idiot.  “She was born Bad.  But if the Rabbit tells her she’s Good, she’ll turn Good.”  Or something.  He wasn’t really sure how it worked, but it was certainly worth a shot.  “Then she won’t be such an embarrassment.”

“You’re a fucking monster!”

“It’s a medical procedure!”

Gwen went for him again, Galahad holding her back.  “I will see you dead in the ground, before I allow you to touch her.”  She raged.  “And you fucking know it, so this is all a waste of time.”

“She just threatened me!”  Arthur yelped at Galahad.  “You’re supposed to be Captain of the King’s Men.  Are you going to let her threaten me?”

“I serve the queen.”  Galahad said flatly.  “And the princess.”  He gripped Gwen tightly, as if to both calm her down and join them together as a unit.

Arthur’s eyes narrowed.  Galahad shielded Guinevere and Avalon from any kind of punishment and it pissed him off.  He really was the greatest knight in Camelot, so Arthur wasn’t dumb enough to fight him outright.  One of these days, though, he would find a way to get rid of the Prick.  Because of the Prick’s perfect reputation and inexplicable popularity, Arthur couldn’t deal with Galahad as effectively as he’d like, but he’d make sure the Prick suffered.

Arthur didn’t care if Guinevere fucked around, but he was damn sick of being made a laughingstock by her choices in lovers.  You’d think she would have learned her lesson after the last time, but it seemed like she needed to be taught again.

“Waste of time?”  The Scarecrow scoffed, ignoring the byplay.  “You think small, Queen Guinevere.  This formula is our path to glory.  The Rabbit just explained that it will compel Bad folk to do our bidding.  We’ll soon have an obedient, unstoppable army at our disposal, just as the king commanded.”

“Right!”  Arthur nodded, because finally someone was making sense.  “An army to fight the gryphons and anyone else who disrespects me.  Just like I commanded.”  Another drunken, awesome idea.  Arthur did all of his best thinking when he was loaded.

Gwen frowned like she didn’t understand.  “An army?  What are you…?”

“Watch.”  The Scarecrow cut her off by leaning over the microphone.  “Kill each other.”  He ordered, so his voice could be heard inside the lab.

The two trolls instantly turned on one another.  They might have once been friends, but now they were doing their very best to rip each other limb from limb.  Snarling like animals, they attacked with a terrible, brutal ferocity. Blood and teeth flew.  Guttural screaming and the sounds of blows landing on flash.  Someone’s finger got bit off.

Actually, it was kind of disgusting.

Arthur wrinkled his nose in distaste.  He only liked sports with horses.

“Stop!”  Gwen gasped, her lips parted in horror.  “Oh my God!  No.  Galahad, do something!”

The Scarecrow smiled and ignored her cries, his gaze locked on the carnage.  “Behold the future of Camelot.”