Juliette
The clock is ticking in the room and rather than irritate me, I find it soothing as the hours pass by, minute by minute, second by second. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, stop.
‘Michael just called,’ whispers my sister and I want to tell her to start speaking in a normal tone and not to hush round me like I am already dead.
‘Did he call or did he whisper like he was already at my wake?’ I ask Helen and she half-smiles, then she speaks normally.
‘He has been talking to Dr McNeill, the lady who just left and who has been medicating you,’ she explains to me. ‘They have both agreed … they have both agreed that it would be unwise to try and move you right now, Juliette. I’m really sorry but you won’t be able to fly home today. I’m sorry.’
I think back to the days when Helen and I were teenagers and when our mother would be tearing her hair out in despair as we fought over everything from a pair of tights to a bottle of perfume to lipstick and boys, and how she always said that one day we would stop fighting and be the best of friends. Helen is truly my best friend in the world. My only sister. My mother, as always, was absolutely right.
‘Mum and Dad are on their way here now,’ she says to me. ‘Dan is hiring a car for a few days so he can go and pick them up later tonight and we will just look after you and make sure you are as comfortable as you possibly can be.’
‘Where’s Rosie?’ I murmur. Despite my joking with Helen about not whispering around me, it’s as much as I can manage myself right now.
‘She’s in the kitchen,’ Helen tells me. ‘Your friend Shelley just popped by. I wasn’t sure if you wanted any visitors so I asked Rosie to entertain her for now. She seems nice.’
‘Shelley is a superstar,’ I say to my sister. ‘Rosie adores her. I was almost getting jealous at one stage as she was so enthralled by the woman and I couldn’t compare to her with her shop and her dog and her big fancy house.’
Helen nods in understanding.
‘Rosie knows what side her bread is buttered on’ she reminds me. ‘I can make an excuse if you want to? She did say not to disturb you on her behalf.’
‘Would you cut the formalities, big sis and just let my friend come in for a chat please?’ I say to Helen. ‘I know you mean well but stop fussing. I’m going to be okay.’
I close my eyes and then I open them again to see Helen looking on at me, in wonder at what I just said.
‘You are, aren’t you?’ she says to me and I manage a nod. ‘I’ll go and get Shelley. Let me know if it gets too much.’
‘How?’ I ask her. ‘Not like I can ring a bell or anything, can I, Nurse?’
‘No, but you could use a code word or something like we used to do when we were younger if I casually pop in to close the window or pull the curtains?’
I close my eyes again and smile.
‘Gosh, we were always so close, weren’t we Helen even if we didn’t realize it when we were growing up?’ I say to her. ‘It’s funny but I see a very similar easy connection between Rosie and Shelley just like that. Coming here was the best thing I have ever done, even though I didn’t find the man I thought was Skipper. I’m glad I came for Rosie. I’m glad I came back for me.’
‘That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day,’ says Helen. ‘I’ll go and get Shelley.’
Shelley
I have been shaking like a leaf until this very moment, yet now, as I sit on this chair beside Juliette’s bed in this little cottage by the sea with its lemon and white interior and the cool breeze coming in off the water, I couldn’t feel any more at peace if I wanted to.
All of my fears, all of my worries as I drove here with such dread have gone and all I can see is the beauty in Juliette’s weary face as she lies in front of me like an angel with a smile that tells me she is very glad to see me.
‘You do know when I first met you I thought you were a cold-hearted snobby little bitch,’ she says to me through her cheekiest smile. ‘It just goes to show, doesn’t it?’
I shrug, able to take what she is saying on the chin. I’m sure she isn’t the only person who has got that vibe from me lately.
‘Never judge a book by its cover,’ I say to her. ‘Is that what you are going to say?’
‘I was trying to think of an appropriate equally clichéd sports quote but it isn’t coming to me fast enough,’ she says. ‘My old brain isn’t what it used to be.’
She reaches out her hand and I take it like it’s the most natural thing in the world to do. Two friends, one dying inside and longing to live in Juliette, one living inside and longing to die in me. At least that’s the way I was before I met this wonderful, inspirational woman who has no idea of the great bond and connection we will always share, even beyond the grave.
I had practised on the way here what I would say to her but now none of my speeches or approaches seem appropriate.
‘They wanted to take me home to England but it doesn’t look like I’m ready to leave my beloved Killara just yet,’ says Juliette, still holding my hand. ‘I’m not ready to let go of it yet for some reason. I do believe there is a reason for everything in life, a time for everything. Even a time to die.’
I think of this cottage, empty without her when she does eventually go and it catches my breath.
‘I don’t want you to go,’ I say, not knowing where my words are coming from. ‘I don’t know what I am going to do when you go, Juliette. I am going to miss you so much.’
She leans back into her pillow and looks at the ceiling.
‘Forty, eh?’ she whispers, shaking her head. ‘I just about made it to forty and I’m grateful for every single day of my life and everything I experienced.’
But life isn’t supposed to end when you’re forty, I want to scream out loud. It’s supposed to just begin, isn’t that what they say?
‘Promise me Shelley that when you turn forty, you will do something totally insane and equally wonderful and remember me when you are doing it,’ Juliette says to me. ‘Would you do that please? Something totally mental. Go crazy, even if it’s just for one day.’
‘Like what exactly?’ I ask her, loving the idea already yet my heart is piercing with tiny pinprick pains at the thought of her being totally gone which she will be of course by then.
‘I dunno,’ she says, still staring at the ceiling. ‘Jump out of a bloody plane or something mad like that – with a parachute of course. Or go skinny dipping in the moonlight. Or hike through a jungle or desert or rainforest. Just do something that you think might push you, not a little, but a lot. Scare the shit out of yourself. Remember how good it feels to be young and alive and pinch yourself if you have to in order to make you realize how damn lucky you are to be alive.’
I only have five years to go until I turn forty so I’m sure I will come up with something between now and then.
‘Okay, yes I will do that. I promise to scare the shit out of myself in your honour, Your Honour,’ I joke and she looks directly at me, her face scrunched in disbelief.
‘You better!’
‘I will,’ I promise. And then we sit in silence for a moment.
‘You love to dance,’ Juliette then whispers to me. ‘I could see that in you. Do that more, Shelley, won’t you? You don’t have to wait till you’re forty to dance. You don’t have to wait another day to dance your socks off.’
‘Every day is a disco, isn’t that what you said?’
‘Exactly,’ she says with a smile. ‘Dance with your husband in the kitchen again when he comes home tomorrow, just like you used to and remember how in love it makes you feel. Never stop dancing in the kitchen.’
Goosebumps rise on my arms and tears fill my eyes. I never told Juliette that I used to do that with Matt, did I, but it was always one of my favourite things to do.
‘And keep doing things for others,’ she tells me. ‘Do something, just one little thing for someone every day and it will help you heal more than you know. Helping Rosie has helped you heal, I really believe that.’
I nod as my tears sting my eyes. No one will ever know how being kind to that little girl has helped me so much inside.
‘And every now and then, when things are not going your way or when life throws you a shit storm, close your eyes and breathe and know that it will pass and you have two, and soon three, very strong guardian angels up above, who will keep the wind at your back, urging you to sail on through your life at ease,’ says Juliette. ‘Get back into your book club that you loved so much, cook more like you used to, see the funny side of everything where possible and never say no to something out of fear. Love is always bigger than fear, Shelley. You no longer have to be afraid of anything.’
A tear rolls down my cheek at the thought of losing this beautiful woman. She has given me so much over the past six days and now I have something to give back to her. Peace of mind like she has never known it before. It’s my turn now. I am ready to tell her.
‘I have something to show you,’ I whisper, glancing at the door for fear of someone interrupting this moment. I take a photo from my handbag and I hand it to her. And as she looks at it, I wait. And I wait …
And then she looks up at me, and back at the photo and then she drops the photo onto the bedcovers and puts her hands to her face and she cries and cries and cries as huge waves of relief and closure engulf her whole body.
She nods at me and smiles then takes my hand and kisses it.
‘You found him,’ she says. ‘Yes, my darling, that’s him and you found him. That’s the man I thought was called Skipper. How did you find him, Shelley? Does he know about Rosie? What did he say? Oh God, you found him. You found him. What did he say?’
I pause. I was afraid she might ask me that but of course he didn’t say anything because I haven’t told him yet. I had to be sure before I said a word and before I saw her reaction, but now there is no question about it. Betty was right. Her calculations were exactly right. Rosie’s father is not Skipper after all. It is Matt.
‘I haven’t told him yet, Juliette, but I will when I see him tomorrow.’
‘Tomorrow?’ she whispers and her weary eyes widen.
I close my eyes and then I breathe out.
‘Remember …’ I whisper to Juliette. ‘Remember you said you thought when you first met me that I was a cold-hearted bitch?’
Juliette wipes her eyes. ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘Sorry about that because I was very wrong.’
‘You don’t have to be sorry,’ I remind her. ‘You said you were wrong, but in what way do you think were you wrong? I need to know what you think of me because I need you to know that I’m warm in my heart and I have so much room for love. I can love Rosie.’
She looks so puzzled, but I need to do this right. ‘Just say anything,’ I ask her. ‘Say what comes to your head.’
She ponders a moment and then she looks at me so sincerely.
‘You have been a light in a very dark place for both me and my daughter, Shelley’ she says to me. ‘You make Rosie glow and you make her feel safe, like she is going to get through this because you have been where she is and you have managed to battle on through it no matter what. You have shown her just how brave the human spirit is and to me, that’s very admirable indeed. You’re like a walking angel and you have changed our lives for the better. You have changed my life for the better as I face my dying days.’
Wow. Well, I wasn’t really expecting all of that and I’m floored, but I need to stay focused. I need to continue.
‘Juliette, I promised I would look out for Rosie, didn’t I, so you trust me with that?’
‘You did,’ she whispers. Her eyes are getting darker and heavier I notice. ‘And of course, I trust you. In return, I am going to wrap my arms around your little girl and your darling mother when I see them in heaven. That’s our deal, isn’t it?’
‘It is,’ I agree. ‘But Juliette, my part of the deal is going to be a lot stronger than I originally thought. Than we originally thought, after all.’
‘How?’ She looks at me tentatively, like she already knows what I am going to say.
I take the photo of Matt from the bedclothes and I look at it for a second, then I look at Juliette.
‘It’s Matt,’ I whisper to her.
She gasps.
‘Oh Shelley! Shelley, really?’
‘Yes, really,’ I say and a shiver runs through me as Juliette takes this in. ‘Rosie is Matt’s daughter.’
Juliette swallows hard, her weary mind battling now to make sense of this all.
‘Please don’t judge him, but he really shouldn’t have been with you that night,’ I explain. ‘His relationship at the time was coming to an end and he said his name was Skipper in case anyone found out that he was messing around but I know that he’s going to love Rosie as much as I do. And I do love her, Juliette. Are you okay?’
She inhales deeply and then her tired eyes look directly into mine.
‘I knew we met for a reason,’ she whispers to me and takes my hand in hers. ‘I believe in fate, I really do. I was meant to come here and find you. I just knew it.’
I put her hand up to my cheek and I close my eyes for a few seconds to let this moment sink in.
‘I knew it too when I saw Rosie,’ I realise. ‘I never could let anyone into my life since Lily died, and yet here was this stranger, this sad little girl who I clicked with the moment I saw her. I knew there was something special about her and now I know why. We are family now. I always hoped that my mother and Lily sent Rosie to me to help me see love again but now I really believe it.’
Juliette stares at me in disbelief but with a smile on her face. She is exhausted.
‘You always said you would look out for her, didn’t you?’ she whispers.
‘Yes, I did. But now I’m not going to only look out for your precious Rosie, Juliette,’ I tell her, ‘but Matt and I will look after her in every way we can if and when she wants us to. We will be there for her every step of the way for the rest of her life for as long as she needs us.’
Juliette goes a bit paler and she leans back again, sinking further into the pillow. Her eyes widen, then drop heavily again, and then she closes her eyes and a single tear drips down her cheek and on to her pillow.
‘I found him,’ she whispers. ‘I finally found him. Oh Shelley, I don’t know what to say right now. I – I honestly had no idea whatsoever and I hope you don’t think I ever did. This is overwhelming. It’s more than I ever could have imagined. So much more. But are you okay?’
I shake my head and put my hand on her arm. She feels a little cold to touch. She is weaker than she is letting on and I don’t think I need to drag this out any further.
‘You have nothing to worry about as far as I am concerned,’ I reassure her. ‘Rosie is Lily’s sister, imagine that, Juliette? I have seen so much death and loss in my life and it almost killed me too, and although my first reaction was to think that this was life’s cruel way of throwing me such irony, someone I just met showed me how to turn things around to a positive in every circumstance we face, and I choose to look on all of this as the most magnificent gift of all. This is not bad news for me and Matt, Juliette. This is the best thing that could have ever happened to us and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.’
‘Thank you,’ she mouths and I know it’s my time to go and let her rest. ‘Can I ask you a big favour, Shelley?’
I pause.
‘Of course you can,’ I tell her in sincerity. ‘Anything at all.’
‘Can you tell Rosie about her dad, about Matt, when the moment is right, Shelley?’ she asks. ‘I don’t think I can break it to her at this stage.’
‘Gosh, yes of course but are you sure you want it to come from me?’
She nods her head very slowly and licks her dry lips.
‘I’m so weak and sick,’ she says, ‘but I trust you more than anyone else to tell her after I go and please make sure she knows that I’m so happy about it all. You’ve done so much for us this week and now you have, through an incredible twist of fate, made my dying wish come true. You’ve found my daughter’s father and I know she will be loved so, so much. I can’t ask for anything more. I am happy. I will go from this life very content and happy.’
Juliette closes her eyes and sobs, squeezing my hand as she does and I realize that I am crying too, tears of sadness, happiness and joy all in one.
‘I am going to miss you so much, Juliette,’ I tell her, gasping now for breath between my free-falling tears. ‘You’re an amazing friend, woman and mother and I will look after your baby girl so well knowing that you are with us every step of the way. Sleep now, Juliette. Sleep and know that everything is safe with Rosie. She will always be welcomed at our home with her new family in this place that you loved so well.’
But Juliette doesn’t speak back to me anymore. Instead she just rests her weary soul and as she lies here in the silence of this room apart from the clock ticking and the rush of the sea outside, I slip away with my head bowed, hoping that I might one day see my very good friend again.
Now, I just need to break the news to my husband. Tomorrow can’t come quick enough.
Juliette
I am drifting.
I am sailing along on what feels like a big fluffy cloud and it is taking me somewhere but I don’t know where to. I see faces in the distance, familiar faces, waving to me, smiling and urging me to come to them, to keep sailing. They are like a magnetic force, pulling me along invisible rails on a one-way system and I feel that there is no going back. There is a woman, holding a little girl and their smiles warm my heart and make me go faster towards them.
‘Mum!’
I hear Rosie behind me, calling me back. I try to turn back but I can’t.
‘Mum!’ she calls again, louder this time and the faces in front of me fade away. When I slowly open my heavy, tired eyes, the room that was so bright and breezy when Shelley was here earlier is now dark and cosy and I see Rosie’s face in the glow of my bedside lamp.
‘Rosie, darling,’ I say softly. ‘You’re here. Where’s Dan?’
‘He’s fine, he’s asleep,’ she tells me. ‘Aunty Helen is asleep on the armchair. She only left you moments ago, to be with Nan and Grandpa but I didn’t want you to be alone in here.’
The worry on her face crushes my heart.
‘You don’t have to sit in a vigil for me,’ I say to my only daughter. ‘Did they sit for long? I didn’t even know Nan and Grandpa had arrived.’
‘They sat for a few hours. They talked to you but you couldn’t hear them.’
‘I must have been in a very deep sleep,’ I whisper. ‘I’m very tired, Rosie. You need to get some sleep too.’
‘I tried and tried but I can’t, Mummy’ she says to me. ‘I can’t sleep because I’m frightened. I don’t want to leave you alone. I don’t want to be alone.’
Mummy.
She called me ‘Mummy’. She hasn’t called me that since she was about three years old, she hasn’t woken me up frightened in the night since she reached double figures and my heart breaks for her.
I pat the bed beside me, just as I used to back then when she was so little and dependent and she crawls in beside me under the covers. She drapes her warm arms around me and I inhale her familiarity, my safe haven, my first true love. My daughter.
I think of Shelley and what she told me earlier about Matt and I wonder if it was all a dream. How can I even bring up what I now know to Rosie? I don’t think I can right now. It would be too much for her to handle.
‘Tell me what you were dreaming of,’ says Rosie, taking me by surprise. ‘You were almost singing in your sleep like you were having a really fun time. I shouldn’t have woke you, I’m sorry.’
I close my eyes and in my mind I try to go back to the bright yellow glow and the safety of the drifting cloud but I can’t. I can’t place the faces I saw anymore. The feeling I had has subsided and even though I remember how good it felt at the time, nothing compares to lying here with my baby girl in my arms.
‘I don’t know where I was in my dreams, darling,’ I say to Rosie. ‘But I want you to promise me something when and if you ever get scared again at night, maybe when I’m no longer here to soothe you.’
‘No, Mum,’ she says, but I need her to know this. ‘I can’t think of you not being here.’
‘I want you to remember something, darling,’ I say to her. ‘I want you to remember the day we spent on the beach horse-riding. I want you to picture my face and how I was so scared yet I did it, I totally did it and when I did I realised that I had nothing to be afraid of after all. ‘
‘I said you were a superstar and I will always believe you are,’ she whispers to me. ‘I will always remember you as a superstar, my hero, my brave, beautiful mother.’
‘And the songs we danced to here a few nights ago, I want you to turn them up in your head and when fear overcomes you, sing them out loud and remember how we laughed and danced and sang together,’ I tell her. ‘I’ll be dancing beside you. Dancing and singing. You won’t see me but you’ll know I’m there.’
She snuggles closer to me and I can tell by her breathing that her fear is beginning to subside.
‘I had no idea what I was going to do when you were born, you know,’ I whisper into her hair. ‘You were a fiery little bundle of energy and I was very alone and very afraid, yet as well as me teaching you the ways of the world in the best way I could for fifteen wonderful years, you taught me even more than I ever taught you, Rosie. You taught me the power of unconditional love, of the extremes that we will go to for the people we really love. Never let anything stand in the way of love, my darling. Always be kind, always be positive and always choose love.’
My voice is tired and I can feel myself drifting off to sleep again, just as Rosie is in my arms. She feels so peaceful beside me and I cherish this moment of silence and bliss, with only the sound of the clock ticking away my time and her breathing as she lies in my arms, clinging to me like she will never let go.
‘I will never let you go, Rosie,’ I whisper. ‘You will never be alone. I will always watch over you.’
I see the faces again, calling to me, urging me to come their way to a place free of pain and worry, where no heartache or fear exists and I don’t think I’ll be able to turn back this time. The woman and the little girl, waving at me to keep going, another much older couple wrapped in each other’s arms reassure me to come closer. A small crowd gathers and they do the same, faces from my past, faces that I know so well.
My eyes open and the pale yellow of the bedroom in this sweet little cottage blurs into the deep yellow of the light that is calling me in the distance. I am safe, I am happy, I am at peace.
‘I’ll sleep now, Rosie,’ I whisper. ‘I really need to sleep.’
My heavy eyes close again and the clock is ticking louder now, soothing me as the hours pass by, minute by minute, second by second.
Tick, tock; tick, tock; tick, tock …
Stop.