Donnan stood and appraised me, a lump under the covers, everything covered but my eyes. I squinted. I wanted to lay there and be ‘easy’ but the idea of him touching me made my stomach turn. I scrambled to sitting on the pillows, leaned on the headboard, as far away as I could get.

“You’ll be attending me tonight at a dinner I have. I brought a dress for you, but now that I’ve seen you again, I’m of a mind to have some more of you.”

I clamped my eyes closed and reminded myself to breathe.

The sounds of him undressing echoed in my ears. My mind raced, could I, would I? Under the covers the loop of rope was in my grip. Could I?

I had to be blank.

I had to leave my body.

I had to let his filthy disgusting hands reach under the covers for my ankles and pull me down the bed.

I had to turn my head while his grotesque breath sounded in my ear and the monstrous weight of him settled on my body pushing me down, down, heavy down. He was big. He would fight me if I did it now. I had to wait until he was distracted by the moment until he was into me completely. So I kept my eyes closed while his shoulder blocked my view of the escape and went rigid when his hand grasped my skin and I waited for terrible long moments while he used me for his goddamn enjoyment and — fuck this guy.

I whispered, “Let’s change positions, Donnan.”

My words shocked him. His eyes had that glazed look. His disgusting brow was sweaty. His hands were gross. He rose up to let me get up. I pushed him to his side, grabbed the rope as he lowered to the mattress and tossed the loop of it around his neck.

I wanted to be behind him, but I ended up on a side within aim of his right hand, but I yanked the rope anyway because I had to. I had to do it. There was no going back now. I closed the gap on the back of his neck as the realization of what I had done hit him full force. He elbowed me hard, but I held on. “Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you.” I twisted the ropes twisting my arms as well and held on. He lowered, his hands grasping at the rope, so I jumped to standing using the bounce of the mattress to give me enough force to get the rope twisted, tighter and tighter. “Fuck you! Fuck YOU!!!!”

His arms flailed and fought. His hand found my ankle and pulled me down. I landed on top of him, “Fuck you!” and forced myself back up and twisted more. “Fuck you, I hate you. I hate you! I hate you!”

His hand flailed up and grabbed a wad of my hair and yanked, but I fucking held on. I held on, screeching, wanting to let go and be done with it, but I knew he died or I died. Someone in this fucking room was going to die and it wasn’t going to be me. “I hate you!”

He bucked his back slamming me to the mattress, landing on me, ploughing his elbow into my side, but he was weaker now and my arms were closer to my chest giving me more strength. I pulled tighter and twisted more and opened my eyes enough to see the glass shard, useless right beside his throat, jabbed into a knot but not doing anything. He flailed for my hair again.

He was weaker still but also more desperate. His elbow hit me in the ribs knocking my breath, but I held on as he bucked against me. My elbows on his shoulders, my knees around his back. “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, fuck you, I hate you, I hate you. Fuck. You!”

I put both ends of the rope into my left hand and grasped the edge of the glass and shoved it into his neck. I screeched so loud I hurt my ears. A gush of blood covered us both and repulsed me so much I almost leapt away.

My hatred, my fury made me hold tighter. “I hate you. I hate you.” I held the rope in both hands again and tightened it even more. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”

His arms stopped flailing and his hands went to his neck, trying to pull away the rope, or the shard or both or anything, and that’s when I began to cry. I begged, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, oh my god I’m sorry,” while I held on, waiting for him to die, feeling the life drain from him, skin to skin. I begged the universe for it to happen fast. And begged God for forgiveness for doing it. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

After long long moments I let go. The weight of him was on me and I shoved him off. I was covered in blood and I couldn’t stop screaming.