Sabine was nervous. She had spent most of the night trying to sleep and anxious about her trip. This was to be a solo space flight. She would spend the next several months tending to the plants that were trying to grow on the space station in orbit. It was incredible to be an integral part of this experiment. And if she could get the plants to thrive with a few of the trial experiments she had been working on, this space flight could lead to so much more in her future. Nervous excitement did not begin to describe the feelings she was dealing with. Maybe nervous wasn’t the term to use.

Pure. Adrenaline. Rush.

Her flight suit felt like nothing this morning as she dressed in the prep area. She knew from her studies and practice runs that it weighed close to a hundred pounds. Instead, she felt invincible. When the opportunity arose for the solo flight, she had spent long hours in the simulator for months to prove that she could do the launch alone. Come hell or high water, she would be on that flight. It felt necessary, essential. She was driven that she had to be on that shuttle like her life depended on it.

Today was the day.

Her day.

Donning her suit, she inspected each grommet and fastening before putting herself inside. Listening to the swishing sound the material of her suit made as she walked, catching a glint of light like it was reflective. Using the restroom and passing on breakfast seemed almost habitual. There would be no pulling over on the side of the road if she got sick or had to go to the bathroom. She was now in lockdown.

Her heart thumped excitedly and she couldn’t help the grin on her face as she stepped out of the truck. The elevator ahead of her soared towards the sky against the wall of the rocket. Feeling it pull her upwards once on the platform with the other employees, she shut her eyes momentarily picturing just exactly how the significant g-forces would feel soon enough. The elevator would feel like child’s play and the surge against her body would be incredible. She’d heard the stories from others about the shaking and pressure, but this would be her first flight.

The jarring sensation of the elevator lift locking into place made her want to choke. There was no room for error as she stood on the grated platform. Don’t look down, she thought. It was comical that she was scared of heights but had no issues with airplanes or the idea of being in space. If she felt like she was contained, she felt safe. Here in the metal elevator, she felt vulnerable.

The warm Florida breeze was pushing against the bulky suit and she could smell the salt in the air. Sabine felt like one good gust of wind would turn her into a kite off the platform. But then again, the cage around her would keep her safe from falling or sailing away. Swallowing hard, she stared ahead through the open faceplate of her helmet and made eye contact with the older man at the doorway of the pod.

Stare at him, step forward, don’t look down.

She heard a slight high-pitched giggle and thought momentarily she was having a mental breakdown. But as quick as she heard it, it was gone. Left foot, right foot. Hang on to your case in your hand and walk across the parapet. Get there fast and you’ll get inside the pod. Unfortunately, the suit would prevent her from running. Each step, her boots made a clanking sound. Swish, clank, swish, clank.

Breathe!

“You okay, Sabine? Your vitals are elevated,” she heard crackle into her helmet speaker. The tinny sound made him sound almost feminine. If she hadn’t met Grant several times, she would have sworn it was a woman on the other end of the communication console instead of a fifty-year-old father of five.

“I’m fine, just a bit excited,” she reassured him absently. Swish, clank, swish, clank. Walk along the gangplank. Don’t stop, Chicken Little!

“You’ll do great. Slow down and try to calm yourself. You have a long haul, little lady.”

“I know. I will calm down once I get buckled. Thank you, Mission Control.”

“Certainly.”

She was glad she was wearing the thick gloves so they couldn’t see her hands shaking. This all felt incredibly surreal as she placed one thick boot inside the pod and ducked down to enter. It was tighter than she realized and then she remembered that in the simulator she didn’t wear the bulky suit. It had been suggested by others, but she didn’t suffer from claustrophobia so she skipped it.

“I should have worn the stupid getup,” she muttered as she bumped into a panel. Sabine had never been crazy about wearing the heavy space suits. They had a funny smell to them that she didn’t want to identify or focus on. A plastic or crayon scent was definitely present, but there was another. It was definitely synthetic in origin. Each suit was cleaned heavily after each flight but the smell was there nonetheless.

“Come again?”

“Nothing, Control, just getting into my seat.”

No need to vent her complaints about the smell of the material her suit was made of. While it bothered her, it wasn’t enough to keep her out of the shuttle. No, she had learned her lesson on keeping her mouth shut. The first time she had mentioned the strange smell, she found herself at the bottom of the list for simulation practice. This was a privilege, and you simply didn’t bitch about something few got to do. A lesson well learned and quickly!

“Roger!”

Sabine sat down and lay back into the seat inside the two-person flight module, extremely glad it was just her this trip. It would have been incredibly tight if there were two of them crammed in there. The buttons on the black panels of the walls surrounding her glittered like stars. Staring upwards, she grinned at the small window panels before her that glowed a pale blue from the sky above her. Soon enough, she would be among the stars, she thought, focusing on her preflight checks. Glancing over her head, she heard the door to the module being locked into place. Swallowing hard, she heard the radio confirm it.

“Door, check.”

“Pressurizing safety systems, check.” The massive lock gave a thump that reminded her of a large safe door being swung shut. As the pressure set, she heard the whine as it equalized. It was suddenly strangely silent inside the module. The faintest hum could be heard all around her. If you weren’t paying attention, you wouldn’t have heard it. There was no wind inside, no talking. Just her ragged breaths echoing in the helmet and her racing heartbeat.

Get to work! she thought. Grabbing her booklet, she began the tedious list of checks internally. Control would begin the final checks external of the rocket. Oxygen levels good, stabilizers on. “ALM is monitoring. Copy? Fuel cell purge check for left and right. SRB check. Fuel cell purge complete.”

“Sabine, how are you doing?”

“I’m good. Doing preflight now,” she replied absently, focusing on the task at hand. Flipping the buttons and checking the gauges.

“Bring your heart rate down. Current status of the pad is good.”

“Roger,” she said automatically and took several deep breaths. Focus, on preflight. Center yourself and find your happy place. Picture it, feel it, breathe it. Good girl, relax. She could feel herself winding down and her thumping heart relaxing to a more normal yet escalated rhythm.

“Better. Try to keep it under 150 beats per minute. You are practically running a marathon in your suit. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, just incredibly excited!”

“Let’s not get too excited or I will have to scrub the mission. Can’t have you passing out on me or dying of a heart attack.”

“No! Don’t scrub it!” she panicked. “I’m doing my relaxation exercises… and you are getting me worked up.”

“You have ten minutes.”

“Plenty of time. Now hush,” she ordered and shut her eyes momentarily. Breathe girl. You are in the grass, under the stars listening to the wind blow. Focus. Dream. Feel it. She could see and practically feel the open sky around her. Bluebonnets, she thought. Bluebonnets needed to be in the grass welcoming her mental home. This scene was what she always dreamed of when she needed to feel secure. Safe. Comforted.

“Much better.”

“You are still distracting me!”

“You aren’t finished with pre-check.”

“No, I was getting my heart rate down so you didn’t yank me from my flight, remember?” she muttered and finished her inspections. “Preflight done. Go for APU start requested.”

“This is Mission Control and we have preflight. Go for APU start. T-minus seven, prepare for launch. Flight? I need a go, no go status.” She heard the scaffolding groan as it detached from the orbiter arm and prepared to move away from the rocket.

“Sabine, keep yourself under control and relax. You are about to have the ride of a lifetime.”

“Tell me about it,” she said aloud and heard it echoed in her earpiece. Perhaps I will go for an evaluation when I get back just to be on the safe side. Maybe her levels were off? Lack of oxygen could make the heart work harder. Surely, she wasn’t that nervous?

“Mission Control, please check my oxygen. Levels good?”

“Yes, reading fine. Are you showing different on your gauges?”

“No, just checking myself and making small talk,” Sabine muttered. Her heart gave a nervous thump and she almost flinched. Praying they didn’t notice or catch it, she tried to calm herself once again. A small arrhythmia had been picked up on one of her tests a few months ago, but she blamed it on caffeine. This resulted in a second round of tests and a seriously nasty scolding from the doctors who selected the candidates for flight. She had never had any problems before, nor had she again. Being nearly passed over for flight had scared her. She had quit coffee that day. “Shit. I’d kill for a latte right about now,” she said absently.

“Sabine, you are recorded.”

“I know. It’s not like I asked what you are wearing.”

“Sabine!” he said in a warning tone.

“Flight, I’m a little nervous that is all.”

“That’s normal for your first trip. T-minus five.”

“Whooooooo doggie,” she breathed, shutting her eyes as her heart began to thump wildly. “Before you say it, I am working on it already. Go for auxiliary power units. A.P.U. is on.”

She listened as they talked amongst themselves. Go. System check, go. Main fuel valve on and go. Fuel valve heaters off. GLS check the main engines for launch blared through her helmet.

“Sabine, we are T-minus two. Bring your heartrate down now or we are scrubbing.”

“Working. on. it. T-minus two, solo check started. Closing visor.”

Relax, focus. Feel the breeze, see the stars above, hear the wind. “Woooooo saaaaaa,” she murmured. “Wooooo saaaaaa, breathe.” It sounded so hollow in the enclosed helmet on her head. She continued her breathing and pulled tight the buckles that would keep her in place. It was strangely calming to see her breath fog up the visor and then disappear just as quickly.

“T-minus thirty seconds and counting. Command, do we have go for launch?”

“Mission Control, you have go for launch. Auto Sequence start begins. Sabine, you have primary control of shuttle computers. Are you ready?”

“Flight, I am ready.”

“T-minus sixteen seconds, activate water systems. Good luck, Sabine and God Bless.”

“Thank you.” God, if you are listening, please, don’t let me screw this up! she prayed silently.

She heard a massive roar as the water was released prior to ignition in order to protect her and others from the huge amounts of heat that would come from the fuel on ignition.

“T-minus six. Start your main engines. Space shuttle Genesis you are go for launch!”

“Starting engines now!” she yelled, flipping the switch in front of her. The entire shuttle was shaking and trembling at the unreleased power that was being held in check. The rattling behind the consoles was unnerving but the panels were held tight against the sheer magnitude of power waiting to explode underneath her. There was no changing her mind or backing out now. She was sitting on top of a gigantic eruption waiting to happen with the flip of a single switch.

“T-minus zero, Sabine - Hit it!”

“T-minus zero!” she called out in unison, punching the switch. The solid rocket boosters groaned and roared into life. Ignited, the sheer volume of force shoved her back into her seat. There was no mistaking it. All the simulations did not prepare her for the instantaneous surge that would launch her through the atmosphere. Pinching her eyes momentarily, she felt helpless against whatever was coming next. She faintly heard in her head the words she had longed for:

“We have lift off!”

Gritting her teeth against the jarring motion of the takeoff. She could swear that her top and bottom teeth were still actively grinding against each other, moving against the G- forces. The roar of the rockets was deafening and she could only imagine in her mind’s eye the trail of fire underneath her. She was sooooo going to download the YouTube video as soon as she was on the ground again! She wanted to see her launch from another angle. Every. Single. Angle!

Opening her eyes, she struggled against blackout. Seeing her vision cloud and knowing that the blood was being forced from her brain, she fought the darkness swamping her. She could hear the horrific screeching that her teeth would make as they scraped each other. She was struggling to keep her jaw closed, simply so she didn’t bite her tongue. Nausea, excitement, and adrenaline were a potent combination!

“Focus! Focus, Sabine!” she yelled at herself aloud, not caring if she was recorded. It was a good thing she wasn’t screaming worse than that in fear! Sabine was terrified at the ferocity of power underneath her, propelling her into space.

“Simulation sucks! It’s a freakin’ lie!” she shouted feeling nauseated and vaguely heard laughter in her ears. She stared at the clock and saw the two-minute mark hit. She felt a massive lumbering shake as the solid rockets exploded off the side of the rocket.

All at once, as if she weren’t pressed in her seat hard enough already, the acceleration of the shuttle just got real. “Ugh!” was all she could manage as she was compressed inside the suit harshly. A massive crushing sensation, making it hard to breath, had her gasping for breath as the liquid rocket fuel surged the rocket forward into the air.

It seemed like it was taking forever but it was only a fraction of time that had passed. She stared out of the window blankly, barely able to think. Varying shades of blue were melting before her eyes, getting darker and darker with every minute that passed. The clock beeped to alert her that she had almost broken the atmosphere. Eight minutes of the scariest rollercoaster of her life! At eight minutes, forty-two seconds, she felt another gigantic lurch as the fuel tank emptied and the engines shut off. As quickly as she had been thrown from the launch pad, the movement suddenly stopped. A strange silence reigned again as her hands drifted in front of her, weightless.

Laughing aloud, she yelled “Flight? Genesis is in space.”

“Glad to hear it, now the real work begins.”

Unbuckling herself, it was odd to float upwards freely in the small capsule. Sabine, felt almost like she was swimming as she pulled herself forward to the hatch that attached her to the rest of the orbiter. It was thrilling and invigorating to feel the sense of weightlessness.

All at once, she began to feel nauseated again. This time, it wasn’t the pressure from lift off, but her body realized it didn’t know which way was up or down. Scrambling, she dodged forward to grab a containment bag and tossed up her visor in order to capture her vomit. Whimpering, she just let it happen as her body convulsed, trying to empty her hollow stomach. There was nothing to come upwards. Without gravity, the sour, acidic bile was everywhere in her mouth and sinuses as she clutched the bag to her face.

This is hell, she thought. Heaven and hell.

Gasping, she rinsed out her mouth and swished as much as possible and blew her nose repeatedly. Glancing upwards, she stared at the sunrise coming over the earth for the first time. She knew sunrise would happen approximately sixteen times a day for her up here, but the first one was breathtaking to see. It almost made up for the vomiting as she saw the glow on the horizon burst into life illuminating the window.

This was worth it, she thought. Shades of orange broke out from the inky darkness to dance on the blue marble below her. It was humbling and majestic. Moving through the orbiter, she checked the containers that had been stored carefully to find the little, green leaves floating eerily above the dirt. Even the spindly ones that normally remained close to the ground, stood at alert. Nothing could prepare her for this at home, no matter how much she tried. Being weightless was incredible.

Grabbing a camera, she made a peace sign and smiled at her short, brown hair that stood on end. Her face looked puffy but that was to be expected since being weightless distributed all your bodily fluids everywhere evenly. She was told to expect nausea and/or a headache the first few days until she acclimated herself. They didn’t lie. She was puffy and puke-y. I’m a big ball o’sexy right here… floatin’ up here all by my lonesome! she thought comically.

She spent hours checking her log, observing the plants and measuring them and jotting down results. Occasionally, she would take a break and spin the pencil in the air or mold her hair into a weird looking Mohawk. When she did that, she would snap a photo of herself amidst the photos of the plants. While it was work, it was simply fun as well.

“Sabine, this is Mission Control. Come in, please.”

“Mission, Sabine here. Copy.”

“Good evening. Thought we would check on you and see how you are progressing on your first flight.”

“Mission, may I be candid?”

“Yes. You have been so far. Just remember, this is recorded.”

“Flight, space is simply awesome,” she said laughing.

“Good. Your numbers look good, too. Glad you are having an ‘awesome’ time.”

“I’m working, too, I promise.”

“I know, the photos are humorous.”

“You have them already?”

“Yes, they are on an automatic download. When you take a photo, it sends it immediately. I hope you don’t mind, but we put the Mohawk one of you on the NASA website with an update.”

“Nah, that’s kinda funny though. Someone print me a copy of the webpage please. I want to frame it when I get home as a keepsake.”

“Will do. Try to get some sleep eventually. You have been up for eighteen hours now.”

“Copy that, Mission. I am going to bed.”

“Goodnight.”

Sabine locked down the plants and sealed the containment pod they were in. She couldn’t take a chance of any dew floating away or hitting anything electrical while she was asleep. She loved the moist smell of the peat moss they were planted in. It smelled rich and earthy. She felt so far from earth right now that it had a grounding effect to her psyche. Fastening the rest of her items, she let the clipboard float and secured her dehydrated protein bar she had been snacking on. Inspecting the rest of the pod, she secured the remainder of the items at the last minute simply because she didn’t want one smacking her in the face once she was zipped into her bag.

Pulling herself bodily into what looked like a tiny shower enclosure, she managed to put her arms through the holes of the sleeping bag. Zipping it, she fastened her head to the foam block that would serve as her pillow for the trip. Turning off the lights put her in complete darkness and with the silence, she had a momentary bout of panic. The inky darkness felt like the inside of a tomb. “Hey, Siri,” she shouted, activating her iPhone 7.

“Yes, Hot Stuff?” Siri’s mechanical voice echoed aloud. Sabine thought it comical to have her phone call her Hot Stuff since she had no one else in her life to give her a nickname.

“Play my classical music playlist.”

Delicate tones echoed through the capsule breaking the silence. It felt so odd to have herself strapped down to sleep, but it was even stranger to have her arms floating in front of her. Shut your eyes, rest and relax she thought. Think of camping under the stars when you were little, how you dreamed you would be among them one day. Find that peace and sleep.

Drifting and floating, Sabine finally nodded off. She dreamed of wide open spaces full of stars and comfort. She could hear wolves in the background of her mind and see the flowers, but knew she was safe. It seemed so real.