Chapter Twelve
Jane arched into Colin’s body, feeling his warmth swirl against her as his mouth sought hers, his hands ran over her. It was everything and she sank into it, opening to him as he positioned himself over her and—
She jerked awake and stared at the canopy above her bed, her breath coming short and her body throbbing as her dream faded and reality returned. She was alone in her bed, her sheets tangled around her legs. And what had woken her was the scrape of something coming under her door.
She bolted upright, dragging the covers up as she stared across the room. There, sitting on the wooden floor waiting for her, was the fourth of Colin’s letters to her. And suddenly all her questions from last night were answers, all her hesitations erased. She wanted to see her husband. She wanted to start anew with him.
She wanted it all now.
Throwing back her covers, she leapt from the bed and raced to the door, but she heard Colin’s chamber door shut before she could open it. With a sigh, she caught up the missive on the floor and tore it open. Her message to him, folded within the pages of his, was about her life in Applegate and more requests for an audience.
When she began to read his response, her breath caught.
Dearest Jane,
This is the point where I would have stopped responding to you. Not because I cut myself off, but because this letter would have inspired me to get on my horse and come to you. I would have come to you, Jane. I would have told you those lies about you that I believed. You would have deserved the same anger you feel now, but we would have had so much more time to overcome the falsehoods Arthur told. And the mistrust I allowed to separate us.
I would have come to you, Jane. Because I love you. I love you to the core of me. And I hope you will eventually forgive me.
Yours Always,
Colin
Her hands shook as she stared at his words. They were written in a messier hand. Like he was writing fast, driven to get out what was in his heart and his head. It was so strange to see that, because normally he was so composed, so calm.
His love for her had changed that. Made him desperate. It had opened his heart, broken down his walls and the shell he put around himself. It made everything he said all the more real. All the more important.
She set the letter aside and stared at the barrier before her. The door was all that separated her from him now. Not any secrets or lies, not his icy disdain, not even her pain. Just a door. And doors were meant to be opened.
She did so, her hands shaking and slowly stepped into the antechamber. It felt like it took days to cross through the dim adjoining sitting room and reach Colin’s door. Another barrier to cross. Behind it, he waited for her. He was writing to her.
And when she opened the door, she would be opening her heart. If she opened her heart, he could hurt her. Or they could set each other free. And it was worth the risk to see which one would come to pass.
She turned the handle and stepped inside. Colin sat at his desk, hunched over a quill and paper. He was writing, just as she’d known he’d be writing. And he didn’t seem to hear her as she entered the room, he was so focused on whatever it was he was sharing with her next.
She stared at him a long moment. He was so handsome. So very strong. And from his work in the House of Lords, she also knew he could be caring. He could be just. Fear had kept him from showing her those things, but they lived in him. He was offering them, a bit late, perhaps. But now. In this moment.
She couldn’t walk away from that. Walk away from him.
“Colin,” she said, her voice rough and low.
His hand froze in midsentence and he slowly turned. His eyes widened when he saw her there in his doorway, and he pushed his chair back like he would rise.
She held out a hand to stay him, keep him in his seat as she walked across the room to him. If he stood and towered over her, all that masculine heat and energy swirling around her, she might not be able to get out what she wanted to say.
“You’re…you’re here,” he said, his voice shaking, filled with disbelief.
She nodded. “I am.”
She stopped at his shoulder and leaned over, looking at what he had been writing when she entered the room. She caught her breath at what it was. Over and over, he had written, I love you, Jane. Please forgive me.
He shifted and his gaze darted away. “Not very creative, I suppose, but I knew I would have come here by then, you see. Though I love reading your stories of your time in Applegate, I know that I would not have ever written a response to any more of your beautiful letters, because I already would have been here, making up for the pain I caused.”
She blinked at the tears that welled in her eyes. “And when you came to me, when you saw me here in person, what would you have said to me then?”
He gripped his hands against the arms of his chair and slowly eased to his feet. His breath came shallow, almost labored. His dark eyes were filled with fear and pain and honesty and hope…and love. She saw the love there, burning bright.
“That I’m so sorry,” he whispered, leaning in so his face was close to hers. “That I know we lost so many months together and that is my fault, Jane. No one’s fault but mine. I hate that I can never get that time back, nor erase the scars my actions have put upon your soul.”
She caught her breath, her eyes burning with tears. He smiled just a little as he reached up to wipe one away with his thumb. He smoothed it across her cheek, cupped her chin, tilted her face closer.
“And I would tell you, I will tell you, that I’ll work every day for the rest of my life in order to make the time we have left perfect for you. To leave you with so many good memories that these bad ones will fade and eventually have less power. If I could be given a chance which I know I don’t deserve to earn your love.”
She stared into his earnest face, and a calm washed over her. It washed away all the rest, replaced it with gentle certainty. She smiled up at him and saw him catch his breath. Felt him lean in as she lifted her hands to cover his.
“Neither of us can erase what happened before,” she whispered. “And it will take some time for me to completely forgive you, to completely trust you again. But I must tell you one thing, Colin. You don’t need to earn my love. You’ve had it all along, despite everything. You have it now. I love you.”
Colin stared at Jane, his heart swelling with emotion and his mind clearing of anything and everything but her.
“You—you love me?” he repeated. “How can that be after what I did?”
“I know you’re better than that,” she said softly. “And I am going to put faith in the belief that you will prove it to me over time, over the years we spend together. Just as I have faith that I will slowly ease the pain of your past, until you know that I am not related at all to what your former love did, or your cousin, or anyone else who damaged your heart.”
He wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her to him. “I wish—”
She lifted her fingers to his lips and the press of them was filled with gentle power. “No, no regrets. Let’s start anew. From this moment, Colin. It’s all we have in the end and I don’t want to waste it.”
She lifted her mouth and he lowered his to meet her, kissing her at first softly, but then with more purpose, more drive. She slid her fingers into his hair, tilting his head as their tongues tangled. She ground against him, whimpering when his fingers dug into her hips.
“I want you,” he whispered as he dragged his mouth down her throat.
“I’m yours,” she said in return, a great shiver of pleasure racking her as he sucked the delicate skin.
He continued to kiss her as he backed her toward his bed. Their bed. She didn’t resist—in fact, she actively participated, unfastening the buttons on his shirt, sliding her fingers inside to brush along his bare skin.
He did the same, clenching his fingers along her spine and bunching her night-rail as he tasted her and tempted her and made her promises with his body that he intended to keep for the rest of his life. At last, he pushed the gown from her shoulders. It pooled at her feet, leaving her naked before him.
He stared. He couldn’t help it. If they were starting from today, from this moment, he wanted to see her, to look with new eyes, fresh eyes unblocked by lies and deceptions and foolish fears.
She was exquisite. Perfect. And somehow, despite it all, his. He had every intention of celebrating that fact.
She reached for his open shirt, smiling up at him as she pushed it away, then moved on the buttons to his trousers. She had to work around his hardening cock to unfasten him, but she managed it at last and the last of the clothing separating them fell away.
She caught her breath. “I have always marveled at your body,” she murmured. “When we were apart, I dreamed of it and you.”
“You think I didn’t do the same?” he asked, guiding her backward, laying her across his bed, leaning in to press hot kisses to her throat, her chest, sucking a hard nipple into the cavern of his mouth.
She arched beneath him with a mewling cry before she gasped, “Did you?”
“Oh, yes. My body knew what my mind refused to believe. That I belonged to you. And that nothing would be complete until I—” He parted her legs gently and nudged into the space there, feeling her wetness as he stroked his cock back and forth against her entrance. “—until I did this again.”
He slid inside her wet heat, feeling her shudder around him as he came home to her.
“Colin,” she whispered, her nails digging into his forearms.
“There,” he said. “Now I’m whole.”
She lifted into him, grinding against him. He let out a low moan of pleasure and then began to thrust into her, feeling her sex cling to him, her inner muscles massage every hard and sensitive inch of his cock. That felt like heaven, but the true pleasure was watching her face while he took her. She was utter surrender, she was complete trust and she was building pleasure.
Her lips parted as her body began to rock in a more urgent and broken rhythm, her hands clenched at the sheets, and then she shattered. Her beautiful face almost glowed as her body lost all control. It was too much for him to hold back, and he surrendered to his own pleasure, crying out her name as he filled her with his essence and his love and his everything.
And knew that he would never lose her again. He’d never let himself.