Revived by a cup of tea and forty winks, but with underlying exhaustion and red sore eyes that no eye drops could relieve, Audrey set to work in the shop, stacking up loaves in the window. Moving behind the counter to switch on the wireless in preparation for The Kitchen Front, a broadcast that all the customers loved to listen to, she wondered if Maggie would show her face – and doubted it. What a shame she’d been pilfering. Maggie had been so excited about her marriage proposal, Audrey would have loved to be a part of organising the wedding food, but was now uncertain what the future held. Determined not to give up on her though, Audrey decided if she didn’t come into work, she would go and visit her at home. There was no point burying your head in the sand and, on a practical note, she needed Maggie.

Pausing for a moment, her hands on her hips, she gazed out of the window, struggling to imagine how she would get through the day without Maggie and Uncle John. If she was going to get tomorrow’s bread order out, she would need to factor in some proper sleep at some point and cut down on counter goods. The carrot cake, though popular, would have to wait and the eggless sponge cake, which was quick to make but tasted more like a scone than a cake, would have to do in its place. Oh, there was so much to do, there really wasn’t time to sleep!

‘Where are you when I need you?’ she muttered, thinking of Charlie, who had put his sense of duty to defend his country over the responsibility of being Barton’s head baker. Suddenly weary beyond words, she longed for him to be by her side. Interrupting her thoughts, there was a noise from behind her, as William moved into the shop, leaning on his crutch.

‘I’m here,’ he said, in answer to her question to Charlie. ‘What can I do to help? I hear you had a tricky time last night? Elsie left me in no uncertain terms that I have let you down. You should have beckoned me.’

Audrey’s first instinct was to protect and shield William, wanting him to focus on his recuperation, not be worrying about her or the bakery. He was her younger brother, after all, and ever since their father died, she felt she’d been watching his back, though over the last few months, she didn’t know how best to help him.

‘I’m fine—,’ she said. ‘I was taken off guard with John falling ill, so I had to cover for him. And today, well, I might be a shop girl down, so… it never rains but it pours, eh? But don’t you worry. Take yourself upstairs, or outside for some fresh air if you prefer, I can bring you some breakfast…’

‘Will you listen to yourself?’ snapped Elsie, darting into the shop behind William. ‘You’re your own worst enemy, Audrey, let alone Hitler! Stop for a moment, will you, and ask for some help from your own flesh and blood. You’ll be no good to anyone if you’re on the floor by the end of the week, and the bakery will suffer. I have to go and get the twins to school now and then I have a shift on the buses, but I can help in the shop tomorrow if you need me. William, you’ll just have to put up with me being here, if Audrey needs my help. We all need to put our feelings aside and make ourselves useful.’

Elsie walked through the shop and out the door, the bell jingling its merry tune as she went. Audrey and William watched in stunned silence, then looked at one another in surprise. William’s face was caught in sunlight and the skin over one side was mottled, severe scarring across a large area, his eyelid swollen and without lashes, which had never grown back. Audrey knew that he felt ashamed by Elsie’s reprimand and again wanted to compensate for that. She longed for him to come through this all, with his head held high, but before she could console him, he spoke up.

‘Before I went to war I was apprentice baker here,’ he said. ‘I don’t see why I can’t take up that duty again. As long as I can lean my weight on a high stool while I work, I should be fine.’

‘William,’ said Audrey, ‘why did you break up with Elsie? She really never did anything disloyal, I promise you.’

He looked desperately sad and leaned against the shop counter. For a while he said nothing.

‘I’m not the man I was,’ he croaked eventually. ‘That’s all I can say about it.’

Audrey’s heart contracted. She wished she could rewind the months and stop him from ever joining up in the first place. Thinking of that day made her remember the threepenny coin she’d given him, for good luck, and the engagement ring he’d handed to her to give to Elsie. He had seemed so passionate then – if only she could reignite that passion in him.

‘Can you remember when I gave you the threepenny bit that Mother used to put in the Christmas pudding for luck?’ she said. ‘That day at the railway station when you first left? Do you still have it?’

William froze, closed his eyes for a long moment, then slowly shook his head.

‘I gave it to someone,’ he said, faltering.

‘Oh,’ said Audrey, confused. ‘I thought you would keep it, but never mind, I…’

Her attention was diverted to the customers, who were beginning to arrive for their bread. She knew the ladies would want to talk to William and she thought it would do him good to feel their concern, but he scuttled away, wanting to hide elsewhere.

‘She loves you, you know,’ said Audrey, calling after him. ‘But if you’re willing to lose her, then that’s what will happen.’

---

The sound of gossip and laughter drifting from the shop, William limped through to the bakehouse, trying with all his might not to break down and cry. Once in the bakehouse, he closed the door behind him and leaned against the wall, his forehead pressing against the warm bricks. He squeezed shut his eyes and gritted his teeth, wanting to pummel the walls with his fists. Nobody had prepared him for this. Nobody had prepared him for after the fight. Oh, it was all very well when he joined up; the camaraderie was immense. The boys sang together, with him accompanying on the mouth harp; together they faced the prospect of stamping out the evil that Hitler was inflicting on the world with huge determination. Their morale was high. And then: the front line. There were no words to describe the horrors he’d witnessed, no song on the mouth harp that could take away the pain. There was nothing he could do to lessen the guilt he carried, since the dreadful day he’d made the wrong, split-second decision. A decision that had cost his dear friend, David, his life. How could he ever admit to Elsie that he was a coward and that his weakness had resulted in David’s death?

The scene ran through his head on repeat. He had come face-to-face with a young German soldier and though he should have shot him there and then, there was something in the soldier’s eyes that stopped him from doing so. What was it? he questioned himself. Fear? Kindness? Youth? The German soldier had run for his life – and William had let him go – only to find that moments later, the same soldier turned around and shot William’s friend David in the stomach. He could recall the thud of his friend’s body landing on the earth and the feeling of the soil beneath his fingers when he kneeled next to David, as he lay dying in agony. It was William’s fault. His ineptitude meant that he was still here, while David wasn’t.

‘Forgive me,’ he whispered into the empty bakery, but nobody replied. This was a burden he would carry alone, for the rest of his life, and that prospect was overwhelming.

Eyes wide open now, he steadied himself with his hand on the strong wooden bakery table. Elsie and Audrey thought his struggle was because of the loss of his foot and the awful scars on his face. That wasn’t the case. His injuries were a warped, indirect kind of punishment for his actions, weren’t they? If only the girls knew the truth about him; that he was responsible for his friend’s death, that guilt plagued his thoughts and his dreams, like crawling insects. An image of the threepenny bit that Audrey had given him on the day he left Bournemouth flashed into his mind. How preposterous it was that he’d left the coin in David’s palm. How illogical and brainless. Suddenly furious with himself, he knocked his forehead against the wall.

‘William?’ Audrey said, suddenly standing at the doorway to the bakehouse, the sound of a customer’s voice calling ‘Anyone home?’ coming from the unattended shop. ‘If this is too much for you, I understand. I can see how you’re suffering and I don’t want to make it worse, no matter what Elsie or anyone else thinks—’

Gulping, William quickly wiped his eyes with his forearm. He turned to Audrey and tried to offer a reassuring smile. She approached him, concern etched across her face. Sometimes she reminded him of their father, Don – he’d had a huge heart and endless patience too.

‘I’m okay,’ he forced out, but when Audrey gently put her arms around her brother, soothing him with gentle and kind words, he rested his forehead on his sister’s shoulder and could no longer hold in his pent-up feelings of loss and shame. ‘I’m sorry,’ he wept. ‘I’m so sorry! Forgive me.’