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3 Days before Christmas

 

Allie woke up alone. Her bed felt huge and empty and cold. All night, she had dreamed about that kiss in the fairy light pavilion outside Haggerty House. She’d replayed it in her mind over and over, and now that she was awake, she was still replaying it. Reliving it.

She knew what Logan was doing. He was trying to make her fall for him.

This was stupid. She couldn’t fall for Logan. He would be gone in two weeks. Less! Marriage to a soldier was the one thing she didn’t want. She wouldn’t put her child through it. She wouldn’t put herself through it.

God, poor Angie. And Jack—Jack broke her heart.

She wondered if Logan was up yet, then wondered why she was wondering. Then she sat up in bed and listened for sounds from his room. It was silent and she hoped that meant he was still asleep. She needed to get out of here and find a place where she could have some solitude and a cup of fake coffee.

She crept out of bed, grabbed some clothes from her closet and tiptoed into the bathroom for a quick shower. And the whole time her mind was churning. What was Logan offering here, anyway? What did he have in mind?

What did he plan to do after his deployment? Would he’d be stationed nearby? Did he plan to re-enlist when his time was up? And what did he want from her? Did he want a real marriage—a relationship with her, romance, regular sex, the whole shebang? Or did he just want a paper marriage, for the baby’s sake? And why was she wondering all that, when she’d already decided she couldn’t be with him?

Her entire life was about to change, and starting a relationship—a real one, with a husband, for God’s sake—didn’t seem like the smartest idea. It was just bad timing. How much change could she handle all at once?

And what if they tried and failed? What would a divorce do to the baby?

She’d hoped the shower would clear her mind, but twenty minutes later she’d put on a dress and dried her hair, and she was still had no answers.

She sighed, tiptoeing out of the bathroom, and down to the living room. She grabbed a pair of ballet flats and shoved her feet into them, grateful that she didn't have to mess with laces. She was putting on a jacket when she heard footsteps on the stairs. Logan came quietly down, wearing jeans and a long-sleeved thermal shirt the color of cranberries. He was still yards away, but she could smell the faint trace of his cologne and it made her heart beat a little faster.

“What the—are you leaving?”

“How the heck do you hear me every time I try to sneak out?” she asked in a loud whisper.

“Because you’re in the room next to mine and I’m sleeping with one eye open in case you go into labor. Are you really leaving me here to deal with Adam on my own?”

“Are you really too scared to face him by yourself?”

“Course not.” He shrugged. “He’ll probably murder me and throw my body out for the coyotes. But I’m prepared to face it like a man.”

“I hate to miss all that, but I have a doctor’s appointment, so I have no choice.” She patted her belly bump. “Gotta do what’s best for the baby.”

He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned on the newel post. “I know I’m new to this, but do they regularly schedule those for six a.m.?”

“I like to be punctual.” She shot a look at the closed door to the den and hoped they wouldn’t wake her brother.

“Bull.”

 He was right and he knew it. She had two hours before the appointment, but she didn’t want to be here, and he was the reason why.

He crossed the room, stopping a few feet shy of her. “Don’t…fathers…usually go along, for these kinds of things?”

Allie’s pulse sped up. This felt too real, this concern of his, this wanting to be involved, this devotion. For a second she could imagine that they were a normal couple, doing this the normal way. That he would be there to help her through everything from now on. But that idealistic image rippled and faded when the usual questions came rushing back. Who knew what tomorrow would bring? He might disappear after the holidays and never come back. He might show up on birthdays and holidays and nothing more. He might get shipped halfway around the world. He might hit an IED like her brother-in-law did.

 “What would we tell Adam?” she whispered. God, was she actually considering letting him come with her?

Logan rolled his eyes. “I love your brother, but I’m sick of watching everything I say and do because of what he might think. He’s going to figure this out eventually, and when he does, I think he’d be happier knowing that I was trying to be involved than he would be if I shirked my fatherly duties. Besides, I want to go with you.”  

“I don’t know,” Allie said. She wanted to keep whatever this was with Logan under the radar. She wanted to put off telling Adam until after the baby was born, if she had to tell him at all. “Hell, I left my purse in my room.” She hurried up the stairs, back to her bedroom to grab her purse, but stopped in the hallway outside Logan’s room. The door was open, and there on the nightstand was her copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting. A bookmark stuck out the top, and Allie was quite sure that she hadn’t put it there. Her heart swelled, and even though she tried to ignore it, she felt herself melt a little bit. She got her bag, and headed back down.

He was standing right where she’d left him, waiting near the front door. “Okay,” she said. “You can come with me.”

First, they went to Sunny’s Place. Sunny herself unlocked the door to let them in, despite the CLOSED sign still hanging in the window. She looked like the picture they would put in the dictionary beside the word “Sunny.”

“I’m sorry I’m here before hours,” Allie said. “I just needed—”

“Fresh brewed decaf and a great big cream-filled, chocolate-frosted donut?” Sunny blinked her big Bambi eyes.

Allie smiled as if in bliss. “You read my mind.”

“Take a spot in the back, Allie. The CLOSED sign will stay up for another twenty minutes, so you can have all the solitude you need to go with that breakfast.” Then she smiled right at Logan. “Hi, again.”

“Nice to see you again.”

They each had a mugful of the best coffee on planet Earth, and sat across from each other, and said almost nothing. Logan had tried to start a conversation once, but she’d just held up a finger, then returned to her former position, leaning back in her seat, eyes closed, eating her donut as slowly as humanly possible

So, he’d kept quiet and let her enjoy her sweet breakfast. And he’d kind of fallen into the peace of it too, after a bit, and thoroughly enjoyed his own.

And then they walked back to the car and drove to Doc Sophie’s.

A fancy sign on the front lawn of the white Victorian said “Big Falls Family Clinic.” It was a three-person operation from what he could tell. There was a grandmotherly receptionist, who’d had Allie sign in, and asked them to take a seat in the waiting room. There was a pretty red-haired nurse, who came out to say, “Allie, you can come on back, now.” And there was, presumably, a doctor they’d see at some point.

“This is my friend Logan,” Allie said. As he followed her out of the waiting room, through a door and down a short hall. “He’s here for moral support and if anyone hears about it, it would cause a lot of trouble. So—”

“For us, too,” the nurse said. “It’d be a privacy violation. Don’t worry. You’re secret’s safe with us.” She led them into an exam room, where a paper-covered, padded table awaited.

Logan was nervous as hell, and had no idea what he was doing here. All he knew was that there was something about Allie that made him want to get close and stay close. He couldn’t describe the way he felt when he was around her. It wasn’t just attraction. Although he was attracted to her, which was probably weird since she was so very, very  pregnant. But there was more to it than that. He was compelled to protect her, take care of her. She made him feel settled, almost anchored, in a way he’d never felt before. Maybe it was because she was carrying his child. His own flesh and blood child. Right there, inside her.

The nurse—he finally dragged his eyes off Allie long enough to catch a look at her name tag—Barbie Bennett, R.N.—checked Allie’s vital signs, then said, “Okay, step up on the scale.”

Allie gave Logan a pointed look. He smiled at her, and turned around, putting his back to the scale. He heard the springs moving as she stepped on.

“Any pain or bleeding since your last appointment?” Barbie Bennett R.N. asked.

“Everything is perfectly normal,” Allie said. “Except I’m incredibly impatient, short tempered, and getting kind of antsy.”

“That’s normal, too. Good signs, actually.” She made a few notes in her chart.

The door opened and another woman came in. She was tall, blond, and smiling, and she took the chart from the nurse but kept her eyes on her patient. “Hi, Allie.” And then she turned to him. “Hello, Sergeant Edwards. Welcome home.” She extended a hand. “I’m Dr. McIntyre, but most everyone calls me Doc Sophie.”

“How did you know who I was?” He asked, shaking her small, strong hand.

“Small town. Everybody knows who you are.” She turned her attention to the chart, then. “How’s our girl doing?”

“Her blood pressure is a little high,” the nurse replied.

“Have you been under stress lately, Allie?” Doc Sophie asked.

“Oh, you know, just the usual stuff. Holiday time. Family in town. Houseguests.”

Logan sent her a worried look. She looked tired. Her eyes weren’t as bright as usual. Why hadn’t he noticed sooner?

Doc Sophie jotted a few more notes on the chart and said, “Can you give us a minute, Barb?”

Nodding, Barbie hurried from the room. The doc then directed her attention to Logan. “So, keeping in mind that I can’t say anything outside this room, are you the father?”

Logan looked at Allie, telling her without a word that the decision about how much to admit was all hers. Allie held his eyes a long moment, then looked at the Doc and nodded. Logan sighed in such abject relief he couldn’t believe it. It felt good to just be honest about it with somebody.  

 “He was deployed,” Allie explained. “He just got home.”

“Just in time, too. That’s good, because I’m putting you in charge of keeping her relaxed. No stress. Think you can do that?”

“I’ll do my best,” Logan said. It would be a challenge. “Is this blood pressure thing dangerous? Should we be worried?”

“It’s usually nothing serious. If it goes any higher, we’ll want to run some tests.”

Logan felt nerves swirl in his stomach. He’d read something about what high BP was a sign of in the pregnancy book, but he couldn’t remember what it had said. “What tests? What would you be looking for?”

“It’s high blood pressure, Logan, not a brain tumor,” Allie said. “Don’t make me sorry I let you come.”

“It’s nothing to worry about,” Doc Sophie said. “And the point here is that you need to stay calm. Both of you.”

Allie didn’t look worried. Logan wasn’t sure how that was possible, when he felt terrified that there might be something wrong, but she looked completely at ease.

“I’ll be right back,” Doc Sophie said, and she left them alone.

As soon as the door closed, Allie sighed and said, “Don’t worry, Logan. I’m healthy and young. Women have babies every day. It’s going to be fine.”

He tried to focus on her words instead of the crazy possibilities whirling in his head, but it was hard to make the panic go away.

A second later, the doc came back through the doors wheeling a cart full of electronics and a monitor. “We don’t usually do this unless it’s medically necessary, but I thought since Sergeant Edwards missed the official ultrasound…”

Apparently knowing the drill, Allie laid back on the exam table and pulled a sheet over her lower body, then pushed up her blouse, exposing her belly. It was so full of baby that her belly button had turned inside out.

Remember, Doc, I like surprises. Especially at Christmas. So don’t tell me anything about gender.”

“You’ve got it.” The doc was flipping switches. She squeezed neon blue gel in an s pattern on Allie’s belly, then pressed a sensor to her and moved it slowly around.  An image appeared on the computer screen, but it was dark and grainy and Logan had no idea what he was seeing. A blob of light pulsed on the screen and the doctor clicked a few buttons and made some notes. “That,” she said, pointing to the blinking light “is your baby’s heartbeat.”

“Oh my God,” he whispered. And then he said it again. His hand found Allie’s and he moved closer to her side. Suddenly it was real. They had made a baby.

Doc Sophie moved the little sensor and made a few more notes before pointing at the screen again. “Do you know what you’re looking at?”

Logan stared at the screen for a second. He couldn't see anything at first. Shapes, light and shadow. But then suddenly the blurry object started to take shape, like one of those 3D puzzles. Once he saw it, he couldn't see anything else. “Is that…the baby’s face?”

Sophie nodded, and Logan’s heart seemed to expand in his chest. He couldn’t keep from smiling, not that he tried. He was sure he looked like a blithering idiot, but he didn't care. There was a rounded cheek and a little button nose, and then the baby raised a tiny fist.

“A little thumb sucking,” Doc Sophie said with a delighted smile. She clicked a few more buttons and the machine on the cart printed a picture. Then she took the sensor off  and wiped away the goo. “Allie, I’ll be back in a moment for your exam, but so far, everything looks wonderful.”  She handed Logan the picture and left the room, pulling the door closed behind her.

Logan helped Allie sit up and pressed a light kiss to her forehead. He stared at the little face in the picture and then at her belly. Any day now, that tiny baby was going to make its way into the world.

 And he was going to have to leave soon after.

The disappointment of that realization hit him harder than it had before. He couldn’t imagine ever wanting to leave, but he didn’t have a choice and he had no idea if Allie would be waiting for him when he came back.

He looked at Allie, and suddenly understood why she didn’t want to marry him. That disappointment, that feeling of heartache, of missing someone so much and being unable to do anything about it, that was what she was trying to protect herself from. And what she was trying to protect their baby from.

Maybe he shouldn’t be fighting her so hard.

“I don’t want to talk to Santa.”

It was later that same afternoon. Allie and Logan stood in the middle of the town’s circular park. She’d been trying to convince Jack to go talk to the man in red, who held court in a pavilion near the giant, decorated Christmas tree.

“Come on, Jack,” she said. “Your mom would love a picture of you and Cassie with Santa. It will be our Christmas surprise for her.”

“You know he’s not the real Santa, right?” Jack whispered at her. “If there is a real Santa, it’s not this guy.”

Allie scanned the line of kids behind them to make sure no one else had heard. Since no one had broken down in a fit of tears, she figured they were safe. Logan was holding Cassie on his hip, and she was wriggling and twisting to free herself. She couldn’t wait to get to Santa.

Logan shifted her a little, knelt beside Jack and said something in a conspiratorial whisper.

“Fine. I’ll see him,” Jack said.

Allie felt her heart warm toward Logan a little more. In a few short days, he’d managed to win over Jack, and she wasn’t sure what she would have done if he hadn’t been there.

That was the problem really, because she knew he wouldn’t be for much longer.

A family exited the pavilion and a teenage girl dressed as an elf ushered them up the steps. Jack stopped at the top and refused to budge.

A very convincing Santa sat in a throne-like chair in the center.

“Don’t be shy, Jack. I’ve been waiting for you,” he said. His eyes twinkled. Jack met them, and a little frown creased his forehead. Allie took his hand and crossed the room, Logan right behind her, carrying Cassie until the little girl twisted free, hit the floor running, and raced right up to the old man with her arms out, calling “Santa! Santa!”

He scooped her up and she released a happy squeal.

Jack held back, pressing closer to Logan’s side.

Santa held out his white-gloved hand, crooked his fingers toward him in a come-here gesture.

“I’m just here to take a picture for my mom. You can’t bring me what I want for Christmas.” Jack looked at the floor and Allie kicked herself for thinking this was a good idea.

“Well now, we’ll see about that,” Santa said, “But first, let’s get the photography out of the way, all right?”

Jack wiped his eyes dry and crossed the distance between them. The elf grabbed the camera, not that it mattered, Allie had brought her own. She pulled it out of the bag, but Santa held up a hand for them to wait. He placed his gloved hand over Jack’s on the arm of his chair. Cassie was snuggled up on his other knee, her head resting against Santa’s deep red velvet coat. She looked like an angel.

“Jack, listen. A lot of people stop believing in me if they don’t get the things they want right away. But I don’t want you to give up hope. Not ever. The gifts that really matter, those take time.”

Allie cleared her throat, wanting to get the man’s attention, wanting to tell him not to give Jack false hope. She didn’t want Jack to be heartbroken on Christmas morning for the second year in a row. But Santa just looked at her and smiled.

“Some wishes take years and years before they come true. Ask your friend there. How long have you been waiting for me to fulfill your Christmas wish, Sergeant Edwards?” Santa was looking at Logan now.

Logan didn’t say anything, but a funny expression crossed his face and his eyes darted to Allie and then away.

“But Logan never got what he asked for.”

Santa leaned closer and whispered in Jack’s ear, and Jack’s mouth fell open. The anger and sadness left his eyes.

“Will I get what I asked for this year?” Jack asked. His eyes were more hopeful than they’d been in a long time.

“Santa,” Allie said in a warning voice, but the man waved her off with a smile.

“The important things take more time, like I said. But you must keep hoping, Jack. You must keep believing. And sooner or later, your wish will come true. Never give up. No matter what anyone tells you. Just keep looking forward and knowing.”

Jack no longer looked upset, and while that was good for the moment, Allie was worried about how her nephew would react on Christmas morning. She was going to start planning for the worst now and she knew that meant she was going to have to tell her sister about this little trip. She just hoped it wouldn’t be the thing her nephew told his therapist about for the next thirty years.

Santa turned toward the cameras, and Jack sat on the arm of his chair and smiled. The elf’s camera flashed once. Allie snapped several shots. This gift was definitely not worth the trouble, she thought as she scooped Cassie from Santa’s arms. The little girl kicked and wriggled. Her arms stretched out to the jolly old man.

Santa laughed and handed each of the kids a candy cane. Cassie babbled sweetly at him. He whispered something in Jack’s ear, then gave him a wink.

“Your photo will be ready in an hour,” said the elf, as she ushered them toward the door.

They crossed Main street, which split around the park like a river around a boulder, to the Big Falls Diner for hot chocolate and sugary treats while they waited for their pictures, and Allie couldn’t deny that Jack was in a much better mood than he had been before.

They walked back over to the park an hour later. Cassie was now sound asleep on Logan’s shoulder. The pictures were in a plastic bin on a table to the side of Santa’s pavilion. Allie and Jack began flipping through the photos to find theirs.

“Aunt Allie, look,” Jack said excitedly. He held up a photo of the family that had come out of the pavilion before they had entered.

“Jack, those are someone else’s pictures. Put them back.”

“But look, Aunt Allie. It’s not the same Santa.”

Allie looked closer and saw that Jack was right. The Santa in this picture wore a suit that was a lighter red, and sported a long, curling, silky white beard.

“Well, sometimes Santa needs help.”

“I know all that. But look at this.” Jack pulled out the next picture in the pile. The picture of him and Cassie and the much more believable Santa Claus. He had a real beard, gray and white and silver, and just the right length. His suit was darker, and you could make out swirls and symbols, barely visible in the deep red velvet. Then Jack pulled out the picture behind it and showed Allie another shot of the Santa with the fake beard. “He’s only in our picture. We saw the real Santa!”

She tried to think of a logical explanation for it. It was possible the pictures weren’t in order. The Santas might be working in shifts. Maybe they had just caught them when they switched. She wanted to flip through a few more pictures in the bin, but other families were waiting to collect their photos.

Maybe he had just filled in while the other Santa took a bathroom break. That was reasonable. But it didn’t explain how Santa had seemed to know what was bothering Jack. Or his name. Or Logan’s name.

It’s a small town. Everybody knows who you are. Doc Sophie’s statement was obviously true.

Logan leaned in close, Cassie asleep on his shoulder. He said, “We have to go.”

Nodding, she followed behind, watching Logan with Cassie and Jack holding his hand and all but skipping along beside him.

“What was he talking about?” she asked Logan quietly when they got to the car. Jack was buckling himself up, and Logan was installing Cassie in the car seat in the back. “What did you ask for,” Allie whispered.  “The year you stopped believing in Santa? What was the gift he couldn’t bring you that year?”

He snapped the buckles, closed the door, looked at her with eyes that were sparkling with almost as much childlike wonder and Christmas magic as Jack’s were now.

“A family,” he told her. Then he glanced at the photos she held and said, “You better hold onto those. Not too many people have photographic proof of the real Santa Claus.”