Famous last words, Jolene was thinking two weeks later. She and Gavin had spent multiple nights together, they talked and flirted during work, but they never talked about anything serious.
She thought it had to do more with having witnesses at work, but then realized it was just Gavin enjoying the fact that she was giving him the milk for free instead of paying for the cow. That stupid analogy was proving true!
Now it was the week before Christmas and Gavin was busy at the bar. She’d come in early and snuck through to the back when he wasn’t paying attention, unlocked the door, then made her way up the stairs to Gavin’s apartment looking around for anyone that might see her, though she knew that was impossible.
She’d picked up a tiny Christmas tree and now she placed it on his coffee table with lights and bulbs and a little yellow star on top. How could someone not have a tree before Christmas? Even if it was just a little one.
She’d mentioned it to him before and he brushed it off, saying he didn’t want one. Didn’t need one. Didn’t care if he ever had one. Sweet-talking him by saying it was her favorite holiday hadn’t made a difference.
Trying to coax him into one with a little bit of sex hadn’t helped either. He wanted to keep their relationship at that level, and she was pretending to too. But the pretending was getting harder and harder the more time she spent with him.
She’d fallen in love with Gavin Fierce that first night they’d spent together and now she was struggling to keep the train on the tracks and avoid a crash.
She didn’t know what he felt because he wasn’t saying.
All he was doing was showing her tenderness every time they had a private moment together. Never in the bar, never around people. She wanted to be insulted over that but then reminded herself the relationship was still new and no need to put unwanted attention on her shoulders... or his.
The night was busy like Friday nights always were. Her pockets were flowing with cash and so were his. All she could think about was what she wanted to get Gavin for Christmas. Her first Christmas with a boyfriend. She’d have to make it special.
They were closing down the bar—the only two left—when he pulled her into his arms and kissed her like a starving man. Like a man walking through the desert for days and she was his water. Like she was his lifesaver.
If only he’d admit that to her. Something. Anything.
But he didn’t. He just grabbed her hand and they made their way up to his apartment. She was all but bouncing on her toes waiting to see his reaction to her little surprise.
He reacted, all right, just not the way she wanted. “What the hell is this?”
“Duh?” she said, smiling and giving him a quick kiss...that he didn’t return. Didn’t even smile. Didn’t do anything but fix her with the ice-cold stare he always had when she brought up Christmas. “I was hoping we could have our own holiday spirit celebration next week and you need a tree for that.”
“It’s just another day. You don’t need a prop for a day.”
“But it’s Christmas. It only comes once a year.”
“I think I’ve been very clear on my feelings about this,” he snapped. “I let you decorate the bar when I didn’t want it, but you’re not putting anything in my personal space.”
She’d never seen him this angry before. Not even when he held that guy up by the shirt that one night.
Tears were pooling in her eyes. He wasn’t who she thought he was. He couldn’t be. How could someone be both so tender and so mean? How could he not see it meant something to her?
“I guess I’ll just take my tree and leave. I wouldn’t want to invade your personal space!”
She grabbed her tree and started to walk down the hall thinking he’d stop her, hoping he’d at least talk to her, but all he did was let her go.
***
The next day at work was miserable, but Gavin was determined to not change his mind. He’d never made a secret about his feelings on the topic. She hadn’t made a secret about hers either.
So they didn’t agree. So what? Did that mean she had to leave in a huff last night? Or give him the cold shoulder today? He was guessing it did.
Not only that day, but for the following week too. He closed down early on Christmas Eve. Everyone went home and everyone probably did their own thing. He did too. He went upstairs to his apartment and got drunk.
The next morning, he showed up at his mother’s house looking as wretched as he felt. His mother never said a word. She never did anymore. Not after the first time he’d gotten drunk alone on Christmas Eve. Instead she put a strong cup of coffee in front of him and cooked him some toast and eggs.
He didn’t want to be here today. He never did. But he’d do it for his mother and pretend the day didn’t exist while his brothers pretended he wasn’t the purple elephant in the room putting a downer on everyone’s day.
He was just getting ready to leave after his brothers’ departure at the end of the day, but his mother stopped him and ordered him to sit. “Enough is enough, Gavin.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what. You’re an adult now. There is no reason for you to ruin this holiday for everyone because you’re ticked off.”
He drew himself up straight. “Why doesn’t anyone else feel the same way I do?”
“Do you want to know why?” she said, her hands on her hips. “Because the rest of us grieve a little bit every day. We did for years. And though we miss your father, the grieving is less and less on a daily basis. But you”—she pointed her finger at him—“you choose the holiday he died on to make the rest of us feel horrible. What’s the matter? Do you forget about him the other days of the year and then bring it out when the rest of us just want to remember the good times?”
“Of course not,” he argued. “I miss him all the time.”
“Missing and grieving are two different things, Gavin. It was just shitty luck your father died on Christmas morning. It could have been June fifth that he died and would you be this way on that day too?”
His mother never swore and that she was now meant she’d had enough and he better listen.
He didn’t want to think about what she said, but she was right. “It’s not just the day. It’s the whole spirit of Christmas. It lasts longer than a day.”
“Yep, and you’re miserable for longer than a day too. You need to move on. You’re never going to be happy if you don’t. When you find a woman someday and have kids, are you going to tell them they can’t celebrate Christmas because it upsets you? Because you don’t like the memories it offers? Why not change those memories? Why not create some good ones to remember your father by?”
Was his mother right? Was he going to lose Jolene over a stupid holiday? Over the fact that the day his father died was too painful for him to remember anything good about it, only the bad.
That he woke up back then so excited like he always did, only to find out his father never returned home.
That instead the phone rang while they waited for him and he watched his mother crumble to the floor. Watched his brothers burst into tears and not stop crying all day.
That he held back the tears and took care of his mother that day. That he’d been stepping into his father’s shoes to care for his family ever since.
Maybe he was bitter. Maybe he was just angry. Not that his father died, but because it forced him to be a man so early on. To be the person his father would be proud of and would never see.
Instead, by trying to do that, he’d been hurting those around him. Hurting the one person he actually saw himself having a future with for the first time in his life. Actually considered having a family with.
But he’d probably thrown it all away based on Jolene’s interactions with him the past several days.
She’d only been trying to show him what it was like to feel happy again and he’d taken his mood out on her for no reason. Or no reason she could have known.
“You’re right,” he said. “I’m a jerk. I’ve been one for years. I can’t be this way anymore. It just hurts too much. Not just you, but me too.”
“Gavin…” his mother said, but he wasn’t listening. He grabbed his coat and ran out the door. What greeted him was something he’d been waiting for his whole life. Snow. On Christmas. Was it a sign? Something he’d hoped would happen the night his father died, but instead they were only given an ice storm?
An ice storm that caused his father to fall off the ladder and break his neck. But did he feel grief and pain whenever there was an ice storm, using his mother’s analogy? No, he didn’t. So he had to stop doing it with Christmas.
***
“What’s up there, baby girl?”
Jolene turned and laughed at what her father called her. “I’m far from a baby.”
“You’ll always be my baby. Always had to get up at the crack of dawn to see what Santa left you. Doesn’t change much as an adult either,” he’d said.
Santa never left a lot, but it was always enough. She was just glad to know her parents had life a bit easier now.
“Sorry.” She’d shown up just before six this morning, but her parents were already up and waiting for her like they’d always been.
There still weren’t a lot of presents under the tree. That wasn’t what the holiday was about.
No, it was about family and being together. Being there for each other and appreciating what they had. Her parents instilled that in her. To always look for the bright side of life.
Too bad she couldn’t figure out a way to pass that trait on to Gavin. Someone who needed it the most.
Rather, she was here with her family hoping she could put on a good enough face when all she wanted to do was cry like she’d been doing every night after work. Every night when she had to leave Gavin’s presence, knowing that nothing could be the same again and she couldn’t figure out how to fix it.
She didn’t even know why he felt the way he did about the holiday. Why he got so mad at her for doing what she thought was something nice. She’d never know if he didn’t talk to her again.
By the end of the day, her nerves were on end. She wanted to go home and lock herself in her room and cry until her pillow was a big soggy mess.
Every time she tried to help someone, or give them a hand—maybe just try to be a happy face to cheer them up—they appreciated it. She felt good about it. She felt like she made a difference in their life.
It seems she blew it with the one person that meant the most to her. The one that she wanted to make the biggest difference in his life. How did this backfire on her? Where did she go wrong?
April was gone for a few days, so she knew having the apartment to herself was a good thing. Maybe she’d cry in every room and get it out of her system, because on her next shift, she and Gavin were going to have to talk. She didn’t want to feel like this anymore and she decided it might be best to break it off for good.
If he wanted her to find a new job, she would. But she couldn’t be around him and know he was mad at her. She couldn’t be around him and know he needed her help to get over something if he wasn’t even cluing her in on what it was or pushing her away at what she felt she excelled at.
“I should leave now,” Jolene said, leaning in and kissing her parents goodbye. “I didn’t know it was going to snow. We never get snow, but I want to get home before it gets worse.”
“You could just stay for the night,” her mother said.
“I’ll be fine. I’ll take my time.” She didn’t want to tell them she needed to cry.
“Drive safe. Call us when you get home,” her father said.
“Oh, stop worrying about me,” she said, forcing out a laugh.
“It’s our job to worry. A parent never stops doing that.”
“Maybe someday I’ll know that feeling,” she said and felt her heart break when the words were spoken. She’d thought maybe that someday would be with Gavin, but knew it probably wouldn’t be.