My resolve didn’t last, of course. It was Anna’s birthday on the 21st of December, along with the solstice celebration that Molly was organising, so I had no choice but to get out of bed and make peace with my best friend. I still had no idea what I was going to say to Gabe when I saw him, but I would cross that bridge when I came to it.
‘Happy birthday,’ I said to Anna, shoving a parcel on to her lap when I joined them all for breakfast. ‘Sorry for being a bitch,’ I added in my trademark brusque style.
‘I should think so, too,’ she beamed tearing into the paper. ‘And I know you probably think I should apologise for everything I’ve been saying and what I’ve been making you feel,’ she added with emphasis, ‘but I’m not going to.’
Had it been any other day I wouldn’t have let her get away with that.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree,’ I said, ‘and leave it at that, shall we?’
‘Oh my god, Hayley!’ she squealed, making Suki and Floss jump out of their beds, and thankfully forgetting all about our disagreement, ‘this is amazing. Thank you so much.’
That was just the reaction I had been hoping for. Apparently, my artistic talents could make friends discard arguments and cry at the same time. Perfect.
‘I was hoping you’d like it,’ I said, bending across to look at the little pen and ink sketch and wondering if, when I presented Gabe with his, it would make him feel as good as Anna.
‘Let’s see, then,’ said Dorothy, as keen as everyone else to get a look.
‘Oh my,’ said Catherine. ‘You’ve captured her beautifully, Hayley.’
The sketch was of Anna sitting cross-legged on one of the squashy sofas in the family room with a book open on her lap.
‘Fortunately,’ I smiled, ‘you’re quite the daydreamer, Anna, so I was able to get most of this down while you were staring out of the window.’
I didn’t add that I had finished it while sulking in my room, but I was amazed to think that I could now sit so comfortably and discuss the moment my creativity had taken hold. For years I’d been hiding my work – from myself as much as anyone else – refusing to give in to the desire to even so much as pick up a pencil, and yet here I was, ready to share it all with my friends, and if the Cherry Tree plans came to fruition, then even with the wider world. If it all fell into place, then next year I’d be able to dish out presents featuring my own designs. How thrilling was that?
‘I’ll treasure it always,’ said Anna, hugging it to her chest. ‘It’s one of the most beautiful presents I’ve ever been given.’
One of her other beautiful presents was pinned to her blouse. A cameo, identical to the one her mother had had, but which Anna had lost. This new one was given to her by Angus the Christmas she decided to make Wynthorpe her home, and she always wore it on high days and holidays.
‘I’m so pleased you like it,’ I smiled, looking again at the picture.
‘I love it,’ she beamed. ‘Look, Molly. Look what Hayley’s given me for my birthday.’
Molly and Archie arrived together, of course, flushed from the chilly walk from the cottage in the woods.
‘So, are we all set then?’ Mick asked, after everyone had finished admiring my handiwork. ‘How’s the weather looking this year? Any chance of actually seeing the sun on this particular solstice?’
‘Everything’s ready,’ sniffed Molly, as she first peeled off her chunky handknitted scarf, then her coat and then her thick cardigan, also of her own creation. Archie pulled the felt hat off her head, releasing her abundant, wild hair.
No wonder she had a rosy glow.
‘And yes, there’s definitely a good chance of seeing the sun,’ she added. ‘It’s going to be a perfect day.’
‘That’s what I like to hear,’ said Anna.
During the last couple of years, I realised, we had both reclaimed something we had lost. Whilst I had been pushing away my art, ever since the death of Anna’s mother at Christmas, she had been denying herself any sort of birthday or seasonal celebration, but since arriving at Wynthorpe she was embracing both with gusto. I put it down to the magic within the hall walls and I hoped Gabe would someday soon benefit from its healing embrace.
‘Is Gabe going to be joining us?’ Molly asked when I looked up and caught her staring at me.
She had an uncanny and somewhat unnerving knack of doing that. Clearly there was more magic around the breakfast table than that wrapped up in the fabric of the hall.
‘Hopefully,’ said Jamie, his gaze also flicking to me. ‘He’s been keeping himself to himself for a few days, but fingers crossed he’ll put in an appearance.’
There was something in his look that suggested he now had more of an idea about why Gabe had been staying away. I hoped his knowledge didn’t include the part I had played in his friend’s absence from the hall. Gabe had told me that he thought us being together would strengthen our friendship, but considering his continued absenteeism it appeared that the opposite was in fact true.
‘He’s no doubt worn out after all his hard work at the Winter Wonderland,’ said Angus. ‘His efforts, ably assisted by Hayley, of course, made more profit than the rest of us put together.’
‘Yes,’ said Catherine, ‘we must thank him properly for that.’
‘And as the newest recruit,’ Molly chimed in, ‘I’m rather hoping he’ll agree to seek out the hall yule log. Although, thinking about the strength of him, we might have to remind him not to go for something too big,’ she added and everyone laughed.
Having been carried up the narrow stairs in Gatekeeper’s Cottage with ease, I could vouch for Gabe’s strength, but thought it best to keep the details of that to myself.
I was disappointed when Gabe didn’t show up for the solstice ceremony, but I wasn’t completely surprised. I had been hoping to get our first post-coital conversation underway amidst the other yule log gatherers from town and the rest of the family. Yes, it was a thoroughly selfish and cowardly idea, but as the week had worn on I had felt more and more ashamed of myself for running out on him, especially given everything he had shared with me.
I was hardly being the supportive friend I had promised to be and I wanted to rectify that, but I wasn’t quite sure how. I just hoped it wasn’t too late to make amends. I might have left my heart in Gabe’s embrace, but that wasn’t his fault. I had no intention of burdening him with my feelings, especially now I knew just how much his own heart had to deal with. I might have still wanted more from him than friendship, but I needed to just let it go and be there for him.
‘I was hoping to see Gabe here this afternoon,’ Mags from the owl sanctuary said as she fell into step beside me.
‘Me too,’ I told her.
‘The last time we spoke after the Winter Wonderland he seemed really keen to take on our barn owl, Jareth.’
In my mind’s eye, I could picture Gabe striding out across the misty early-morning Fenland landscape, Jareth on his arm and Bran at his heels, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about the image. Bran had seemed every bit as smitten with the mysterious beauty as his master, but Gabe’s desire to make the owl his own didn’t quite tally with his resolve to deny himself anything that made him happy. Perhaps his ethos only included people like me, the woman who had loved and promptly left.
‘But I don’t think it’s going to happen now,’ Mags shrugged.
‘Why not?’ I frowned, the image disappearing with a pop as I tuned back into what she was saying.
‘Jamie says Gabe’s gone away for a bit. We couldn’t let him take Jareth if that’s something he’s going to make a habit of.’
‘I see,’ I said, my head spinning.
‘He’s a creature with a damaged past, who needs some constancy in his life.’
I wasn’t sure if she was referring to Jareth or Gabe, but I knew exactly how whoever it was felt.
‘Well, I’m sure Gabe will be back soon,’ I said, striding ahead to catch up with Jamie. ‘And I’m certain he really would be the perfect person for Jareth.’
Once Molly and her coven – although she preferred me to call them her friends – had selected Mick in lieu of Gabe to search for the yule log and had said a few words, I took the opportunity to ask Jamie what was going on.
‘Why didn’t you say earlier that Gabe had gone away?’
I didn’t want to sound confrontational or cause another upset, but I was feeling floored. What if our night together, and my early departure after it, was the reason Gabe had decided to do a runner? I had promised him that friendship and comfort were on offer to all at Wynthorpe Hall and I hated the thought that my actions might have denied him access to both when he needed them most.
‘Because I didn’t know,’ Jamie said simply. ‘He rang my mobile just before we came out to say he had stopped in town, was phoning from the Cherry Tree, and was going on to visit family. He said he’d be back after Christmas, ready to start work in the New Year.’
As far as I knew, aside from Penny who was in Paris, he had no family. I let out a sob as I imagined him spending Christmas camped out next to his daughter’s grave.
‘Are you all right?’ Jamie asked. ‘Has something happened between you two?’
‘No,’ I swallowed, ‘nothing. Of course not.’
‘That’s what I was afraid of,’ he said, sounding suitably unimpressed. ‘What a pair of idiots you are.’
I didn’t comment and Jamie wandered off to see how Mick was getting on.
I stood rooted to the spot, my feet becoming more and more frozen to the woodland floor. I should have felt relieved that Gabe had gone away and left me to take back possession of my heart in peace, but actually I was gutted. Just as I had predicted, the fleeting comfort our night together provided had ruined our friendship rather than strengthened it. I had been weak and now I was paying the ultimate price, and so was Gabe.
‘Hayley,’ said Anna, laying her hand on my arm. ‘Are you all right?’
‘You look frozen stiff,’ said Molly, standing the other side of me.
‘I’m fine,’ I told them, taking a deep breath and shrugging them off.
They looked doubtful, and a little hurt at being given the brush off.
‘Honestly,’ I told them both, flashing what I hoped was a reassuring smile, ‘I was just miles away. Come on,’ I rallied, ‘let’s go and catch the others up.’
The last thing I felt like doing was traipsing through the trees all afternoon and chanting as the sun began to set, but I joined in nonetheless. I answered when I was spoken to, I helped Molly fill her jute bag with leaves to make a seasonal collage and I posed for the obligatory photographs when Mick declared he had found the Wynthorpe yule log, but through it all my heart wept.
I didn’t much care about myself anymore, but poor Gabe. How could I have let him down so badly when he had always been there for me? Literally from the moment we had met he had protected me with his mighty wings. Surely now it was time for me to do the same for him, and not only by offering him physical comfort.
It was up to me to make him see sense, I realised. I needed to convince him that denying himself any chance of happiness was not the way forward. If anything, his determination to be alone would only prolong his grieving, and I was certain his daughter wouldn’t have wanted to see her father suffering any more than he already had.
I had to get through to him. Even if he did decide he didn’t want to be with me, we could still be friends, helping each other along life’s rocky path. It was a thrilling prospect, tempered only by the fact that he had sprouted wings and taken flight just hours before I had worked out what I could do to really help him.