How could a hangover last two days? I’d woken up from the Christmas cartoon fest with the idea I might not actually be alive. I might have wondered more if the painful headache and extreme nausea hadn’t convinced me I was alive, if barely. Not doing that again, ever.

I’d slept most of the day, not caring that I should be packing, that I should be working up an extreme case of anxiety, and totally not thinking about Jake kissing Arabella dressed in nothing more than a bathrobe. I slept and woke up for water a few times, before going straight back to sleep.

When I woke up the second day, I didn’t quite feel like I was on the verge of complete organ failure, but the nausea was still there.

When a car showed up in the driveway, I was ready. I had a small case packed, a pair of large sunglasses firmly in place, and the conviction that I could get through this day without tears ensconced in my brain. Mainly, my brain was still too numb to function so I felt like a zombie as I got on the plane and then landed.

The noise inside the house started a low throb just behind my eyes, and even Kelly’s exuberant greeting could do little to bring me back to life.

“I’ve missed you so much!” Kelly cried out as she wrapped me in a bear hug.

I’d only just made it to my room when she’d found me, and now, I wanted nothing more than to get into that bed and sleep the rest of my hangover off. I could see her features droop in disappointment at my muttered ‘hey’, though, so I tried to work up just a little enthusiasm.

“I’ve missed you too, honey, I’m just not feeling well.” It wasn’t a lie, I felt like that stain you find on sidewalks sometimes, the one you avoid because you don’t know what it is or how long it’s been there, but it’s still too gross to contemplate.

“Aw, you’ve picked up a bug! Or is it nerves?” She looked at me with concern, and I envied her how fresh and happy she looked.

I’d showered that morning, but I still felt like I was a walking vector for the plague.

“Hangover. My BFF decided I needed to get drunk two days ago and I agreed with him. Until the next day, that is.” I gave her a weak smile.

“You saw them then?” Anger flashed in her eyes, and I nodded in confirmation.

“Yeah. I saw the pictures if that’s what you mean.” I pushed into my old room and sat on the bed I’d used. “It’ll be alright. Whatever happens, it will be alright. I’m not giving up, I know the whole thing was probably staged, but something tells me Jake wasn’t in on it.”

“I’m sure you’re right. Listen, we’re supposed to be in makeup and hair in twenty minutes. Do you want me to wait for you?” Her voice was gentle and kind, and I loved her for it.

“If you want to. If you want to go spying for glimpses of David, that’s fine too. I can meet you there.”

“I’ll just wait with you. I have a lifetime of seeing him, I hope.” She gave me a wink that said she knew good and well she did and I smiled, I couldn’t help it.

“This is going to be a long day, isn’t it?” I wanted coffee and something to eat, but then felt my stomach roll at the thought of food. Alright, maybe just coffee.

“More than likely.”

“Can you believe it’s Christmas Eve?” I asked, both of us sitting on the bed, staring out of the window.

“I can’t, no. This is all just so weird.” She waved her hand around. “I signed up for this on a whim, and it’s changed my life so much in such little time. It’s kind of overwhelming, isn’t it?”

“It is. A lot, actually. I’ve never really been in love before, and now I can’t seem to get away from it.” I let the air blow out from my cheeks as I thought about it. “He’d better not mess this up, that’s all I have to say.”

“What will you do if he chooses Arabella? I know they’ve put him under a mega amount of pressure to do it.” Her eyes probed my features, looking for an honest answer.

“I really don’t know. I don’t know if they’re going to cut and paste this all together, how they’re going to try and make us all look. Maybe I’ll barely get a minute of airtime, but it’ll be hugely humiliating, won’t it?” I paused to think about it. “More than that, though, it will break my heart. Even if it is fake and he came and asked me to go out with him, choosing Arabella will mean I can’t trust him, won’t it?”

“I think that’s a really tough choice to have to make. For both of you, and I don’t envy you at all, right now.” She shook her head, those red curls bouncing around her head. “I think you’re both in a tough spot.”

“You’re right. There’s so much going on that we aren’t told about, and we all know these stupid shows end up in divorce. None of it’s real, and as soon as the real world intrudes, attitudes change. Faults that weren’t exposed come to light.”

I could see I’d hurt Kelly with my thoughtless words, and I rushed to comfort her. “Oh honey, I didn’t mean to hurt you! I’m sure you and David will be fine, we can all see you’re both soul mates. I was just trying to talk myself into not being so hurt if Jake chooses Arabella over me. I’m so sorry.”

She gave me a wobbly smile that soon straightened. “You’re right, Laney. We don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I can tell you this. Jake really does adore you. It’s written all over his face the moment you walk into a room.”

“I guess that’s why I’m not really worried. That and the hangover. I know Jake.” I stopped before I revealed too much. I’m sure there were cameras in here too.

“I think you do. Come on, let’s head down to torture chamber A.”

I laughed, the makeup and hair room was very much like a torture chamber.

An hour later we both emerged, hair done in another elaborate upsweep with a million pins and enough hairspray to ensure that even after the pins were out our hair would not move, and our makeup was expertly applied. We were herded into another room, torture room B, where our dresses were hanging on dress forms. I stopped in my tracks and my heart thudded to a stop for a full second.

Wedding dresses!

What kind of bullshit was this?

“Oh my God, look at mine, Laney!” Kelly ran to the one with her name on it, an A-line confection in ivory silk and lace that would suit her perfectly.

I looked at the dresses and couldn’t help but think what a cruel joke this was. Whoever wasn’t chosen would look like a jilted bride and the audience would eat it up. With a deep breath and a sigh, I walked up to mine. I could do this. I had to.

I touched the crisp white lace of a classic ball gown, a sweetheart neckline made modest with a lace overlay that formed the shoulders and sleeves. It was really beautiful and the butterflies flitting down each side to leave the middle bare really was breathtaking. This was not a cheap gown. It was the kind of princess gown I might have chosen myself when the time came.

I just stared at it and reality finally intruded. Jake very well might humiliate me tonight. Then again, he might make my dreams come true. Either way, it would all be over soon. I just had to get through this part.

“Oh my God, I’m going to look so beautiful for Jake!”

I heard that voice and knew who it was before I even glanced around.

Arabella, in all of her dark beauty, was there with her hands to her mouth, faux shock mingled with even more faux tears as she stared at the silk slip that was meant to be her gown. It looked more like an ivory nightgown, silky and shimmery, designed to fit her frame perfectly. She was already shuffling off her clothes and putting on the lingerie set out for us.

By the time she was in hers, I was barely able to get my corset on. An assistant had to come and help me tie the back up. She was right, though, she did look perfect in her gown. You couldn’t even tell she had undergarments on they all lay so flat. I tried not to look at her, to wish I had a gown like that, but I did steal the occasional glance. I stepped into my own and heard gasps all around the room. There were five of us left, and each had an assistant, so 9 gasps filled the air, and one snarky hmph. I didn’t have to look around to see who that was from.

The assistant had placed a frail-looking tiara on my head as a finishing touch and I looked around the room.

“You really were meant to be a princess,” I heard my assistant say. I looked around and saw confirmation in the eyes of everyone but Arabella.

“Thanks, you’re all beautiful too, you know?” I meant it too.

We were all taken out one by one to do a final interview before we were paraded out for the men and it was finally my turn.

The same droll little man with his camera and monotone voice greeted me in a room paneled in white and dark wood. A single ornate chair sat in the room, red velvet and gold paint made the chair look royal.

“What do you think is going to happen tonight?” he started, abrupt as usual.

“I think some hearts are going to break and others will soar.” Poetic, but it was how I saw it.

“Right. And your heart?”

“My heart will…” I paused, lost for words. I looked around uncomfortably, but nothing came. “My heart will be fine.”

“Noncommittal and boring. Do you want to try again?” He had the bored look down to perfection.

“No.” I could do bored too, my lifted eyebrow said.

“Fine. When Jake chooses Arabella, I mean if, will you be disappointed?” He looked at me this time with hope, hope that his question had stung.

I gave him nothing. “Jake’s choice is his choice. It’s not over yet.”

“God, I hate my job. Fine. Send the next one in.”

I smirked a bit as I got up, but the dress made standing difficult. Once up, I left the room and went down the hall where the rest of the girls were sitting. Kelly was there, her hands nervously twisting in her lap.

“I’m so terrified I’m going to fall down those damned stairs!” She said, indicating the stairs just ahead of us with a nod of her head.

“Me too. Just bunch your gown in your hand until you’re down, the weight of these things should pull out any wrinkles that form.” The bottom of Kelly’s dress was bedazzled with silver ornaments and sparkled lace.

For a moment, I wondered if the person who’d chosen the dresses had made the choice of each with those possibilities in mind. Surely not, I told myself, my head tilted as I considered the stairs. Killing your contestants wasn’t a good idea, after all.

At last, the final woman came out and sat down beside me. Arabella.

“They saved the best for last, you know,” she said as she sat down beside me, carefully wiping at the corner of her mouth. Her hair was different too, I finally noticed, some kind of sultry Lauren Bacall waves.

“I’m sure they did, sweetie,” I said, with a pat of her hand. From the glare she gave me, I knew she’d understood my patronizing statement.

“We’ll see who’s so smug in a little while, won’t we?” she sneered at me, her pretty face an ugly mask of hate.

“Why do you hate me so much, Arabella? Don’t you think it’s a little crazy how you’ve taken such a dislike to me? I’ve not done a thing to you.” I was genuinely curious. “I mean, I know it’s a competition, but you’re just so full of hate!”

The thought made me shudder, how full of her own hate she was. It must be making her miserable. She just glared at me again, her brain obviously working overtime.

“I play to win. You shouldn’t be a threat, but Jake is nothing more than a stupid man, so I guess a red-headed bimbo could turn his head. Anyway, it’s almost done now. I know who he’s going to choose, and you’ll be the one crying into your pillow tonight.” She blanched at the last and I knew she’d given away more than she’d planned to.

She stuck her nose in the air after that, and I looked past her to see the windows revealed a dark sky. It was time.

From below I heard the music start, and my heart started to pound. This was it. The moment where my life changed once again. For better or worse.

I stood as the women ahead of me stood and followed along, my brain going to autopilot for the moment. One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other, that was the pattern I followed as I edged my way to the stairs. Before I knew it, I was at the top, looking down into Jake’s beautiful green eyes.

Our eyes locked, and I forgot my worries and really smiled for the first time since he’d left me. It was okay, it was going to be fine, now that I could see him, now that I knew he really was real. My Jake, in living color.

He didn’t take his eyes off me once he’d spotted me. He looked enthralled and in love. I could see it all over his face. I came down the stairs on a cloud of happiness and stood in the position marked out for me. I kept my head held high, and a smile was plastered on my face. He would not let me down.

And then he looked at Arabella and my world started to crumble. He looked defeated, and I knew it was over. I tried to keep the smile on my face, but it was hard. So very hard when he looked like the world had just ended. Nausea hit me hard and fast and I gulped as I tried to calm my stomach. Not now, please not now.