Selma
Kent, UK
13 August 1991
The morning after Idris and I made love, I woke in his arms to the sun rising, the old abandoned hotel looming over us. It was so warm and dry after the initial burst of rain, we’d emerged from the small cave to sleep on the beach in the middle of the night, our hair a tangled wet mess in the sand.
I felt as though I was in a dream. Sex with Mike had been mechanical for so long. It wasn’t his fault. I’d closed myself to him, to any sexual feelings. Not intentionally. It was just the way I felt. But the night I’d spent with Idris, the way he made me feel … all those old feelings of passion I once enjoyed in the past were back.
‘You look like a double-headed mermaid,’ a voice said from above.
I looked up to see Oceane smiling down at us. I realised then how foolish I’d been to think Idris and Oceane were sleeping with each other. She’d hardly react to seeing us like this if they were.
‘It’s beautiful,’ the young girl added. ‘Coffee?’
Idris opened his eyes and smiled. ‘The magic word.’
Oceane skipped into the cave and I sat up, looking around me. Everyone was going about their business, seemingly unbothered by the fact Idris and I had clearly spent the night together. It carried on like that throughout the day, as though we’d been together since the start. He held my hand, kissed the nape of my neck and it confirmed what I knew in my heart: I really was the only person he’d been intimate with here.
That night, we went back to the small cave with the frozen birds – our cave now – and made love again.
‘Try to get into the current,’ Idris whispered as I moved up and down on top of him, his back against the cool wall, legs out in front of him. ‘Look into my eyes, find the current.’
I did as he asked, even though half of me didn’t believe in the so-called ‘current’, focusing my mind and feeling on the place where we both joined. Soon, nothing else existed, just that core between us, him inside me as we moved against each other. Whether it was the current or not, I’d never felt anything like it.
After, we lay together on a blanket we’d brought in with us, looking up at the frozen animals.
‘Is that the tantric sex Sting and his wife talk about?’ I joked.
‘That’s all talk. This is real.’ He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. ‘How are you feeling about the social services visit in a few weeks?’
I’d received a letter that morning to say the visit would be in a month’s time. I sighed. ‘Nervous.’
‘You’re a great mother, that’s all they need to see.’
‘I don’t know. I’ve always found it difficult, this mothering business.’
‘How so?’
I thought about it. ‘When Becky was born, I struggled.’
‘Baby blues?’
I nodded. ‘That’s what the doctor said. At times, I felt so detached, like I was watching life from inside a bubble. But then the paranoid thoughts came, I grew overprotective of her, wouldn’t let anyone hold her. And …’ I paused.
Idris tilted my chin up, looking into my eyes. ‘You know you can tell me anything.’
‘I started imagining the most awful things happening to Becky. Terrible violent things by other people, or by accident. The thoughts in my mind were so graphic, like a TV playing over and over. I even wrote some of them down.’ I closed my eyes. ‘Mike found the notepad.’
Idris pulled me close, softly kissing the top of my head.
‘We argued. And … and I thought he was going to take her away. I even thought the postman was a social worker in disguise, completely irrational as Mike had only just read the notepad. So when he was on the phone to my doctor to make an appointment for me, I left with Becky. I just walked out.’
I sat up, drawing the blanket to my chin as I stared into the darkness. I’d never told anyone this, apart from Mike of course.
‘Do you know what?’ I continued. ‘I hardly remember doing it. It was just a blur.’ Tears filled my eyes. ‘Mike was frantic. Becky was fine, of course. But still, it was bad of me to just walk out with her like that.’
‘Not bad,’ Idris said, putting his hand on my knee. ‘You did the right thing, getting away, clearing your head.’
‘Mike didn’t see it like that. I returned the next day and he was so angry. Only promising to go to the doctor for some anti-depressants stopped him calling social services.’ I twisted the tweed of the blanket between my fingers.
Idris frowned, trailing his finger down my bare arm. ‘Did it feel like you were running away again when you came here?’
I frowned. ‘At first, yes. Those old feelings were coming back. The numbness anyway.’ I smiled up at him. ‘But now it feels different. It feels like I’m coming home.’
Idris leaned up and pressed his lips against mine. ‘Good. I don’t want this to be transient for you.’
‘It isn’t.’
Idris was quiet for a few moments. ‘You should talk to Donna actually. She confided in me about something – not quite what you went through, but similar. It might be useful for you both to talk things through.’
‘I don’t need to talk things through.’
‘Really?’ Idris asked me. ‘You haven’t been in the current as much with your writing, apart from just now,’ he added with a raised eyebrow.
‘I’ve had a lot on my mind.’
‘Exactly. Emotional blockages are often caused by deep-seated issues from the past. You need to cleanse yourself. Talking is good.’ He leaned close to me. ‘I really think you should talk to Donna.’
I sighed. I’d always closed myself off to talking to other women about stuff like that, thought it was a bit crass … a bit pedestrian. But maybe Idris was right. Maybe it was time I started opening up a bit.
‘Fine, if that’s what you think is best for me, Mister philosopher-stroke-therapist.’
‘I always know what’s best. Like right now.’ He dipped his head under the blanket as I giggled.
That night, we sat around the fire with the others, drinking and chatting like we always did. But it felt different this time, the two of us wrapped up in each other as if it had been like that forever.
When Donna walked into the cave, Idris nudged me. I got up and followed to find her at the sink, her back to me.
‘Hey you,’ I said.
Donna jumped, putting her hand to her chest. ‘You scared me.’
I laughed. ‘I didn’t realise my ninja skills were quite so refined.’
Donna didn’t laugh back. She’d grown more sullen with me lately.
‘Tea? My head’s hurting so I decided to stop with the wine tonight.’
‘Good idea.’
We were silent as Donna made tea, boiling a tin kettle on the camper hob. When it was ready, she brought it over and I took a sip, welcoming its warmth.
‘It feels a bit colder tonight,’ Donna commented.
‘It does.’
‘Nervous about the social services visit?’
‘Idris asked the same earlier. I guess I am.’ I repeated what I’d said to Idris about my skills as a mother … and the way I’d struggled after Becky was born. ‘Idris mentioned you went through something similar when you had Tom?’
Donna frowned.
‘I didn’t mean to pry,’ I quickly added. ‘He didn’t spill any details. Just said it might be good for us to talk. In fact, he seemed quite insistent on it.’
Donna followed my gaze towards Idris. ‘I did something,’ she eventually said. ‘Before I moved to Queensbay a few years ago. It was all about protecting Oceane.’ She watched her daughter dancing outside. ‘Ironically, one of the consequences meant I didn’t get to see her for a while; she had to go live with her dad, which was far from ideal. If I’d known …’ She shook her head, as though shaking the memory away. ‘But what does it matter? We’re together now, here, in this beautiful place. And so are you … especially now you’re with Idris.’
I didn’t push her for more information about what had happened. She needed to tell me in her own time.
‘We are happy. I suppose it took me by surprise, took both of us by surprise.’
‘It did for me too,’ Donna said. ‘I didn’t think he’d be your type, to be honest. Nor you his …’
I frowned. ‘Because I’m older than him? I know there were rumours about him and younger girls,’ I said, looking towards her daughter.
Donna followed my gaze. ‘What rumours?’
I inwardly kicked myself. ‘It’s all lies.’
‘What rumours?’ Donna asked again.
‘The stupid rumours circulating about him and Oceane.’
Donna’s frown deepened. ‘Oceane?’
I grimaced. I leaned over, grasping her hand. ‘Donna, come on. You know it’s all lies, right?’
Donna took in a deep breath and smiled. ‘Of course. I’m just being a mama bear. I hope it works well with you both anyway.’ She stood, face darkening as she looked out at Idris. ‘I’m going to do some cleaning. Let Tom know I’m inside, will you? And make sure he doesn’t go in that smaller cave at the end, the one with all those frozen animals? He likes playing in there but I noticed some crumbling rock last time I went in. I tried to talk to Idris about it but he said it’s fine. Maybe you can have a word?’
‘I’ll try.’
Donna threw me a tight smile and walked out.
Over the next month, we all doubled our efforts to get the cave clean and in a fit state for the social services visit.
‘It’s all coming together,’ Oceane said as she sat next to me the day before the visit, surveying the cave.
I smiled. ‘It is, isn’t it?’
‘I haven’t had a chance to talk to you much since you came here,’ she said, hugging her knees to her chest. ‘You know, I knew from that day we talked by the cave that you’d live here one day.’
‘Did you now?’
‘Yep. I’m pretty wise for a teenager.’
‘You seem it. Are you happy here?’
She laughed. ‘Of course I am!’
‘But shouldn’t you be going to nightclubs and hanging out with your friends at college?’
‘I tried that,’ she said with a sigh. ‘But it always felt so synthetic. This feels right.’
‘So what’s your plan? You write poetry. Do you want to get it published?’
‘Why does there always have to be a plan? I have my family here, and I’m doing what I love.’
‘But it can’t last forever.’
‘Can’t it? And anyway, even if it doesn’t, there are other caves in other countries.’
I smiled. ‘Ah, so you do have plans. A bit of travelling will do you good. I wish I had at your age.’
‘What’s stopping you now?’
I looked out towards the sea. What was stopping me now?
Oceane stood up, stretching. ‘I’m going shopping for some women’s stuff. Need anything? Gin, chocolate … sanitary towels?’ she added with a laugh.
I frowned. When was the last time I’d had my period?
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked.
‘Nothing,’ I quickly said, panic fluttering its wings inside me.
When Oceane headed down the beach, I hurried to the water’s edge, taking in a deep gasp of salty air.
Think, Selma. Think!
What was the date? Becky was returning to school in a week, so that would make it the seventh of September.
When was the last time I got my period? I remembered it being just after I’d arrived at the cave as I’d needed to go into town to get some sanitary towels. That was nearly two months ago! My breath started to quicken. I was never this late … except when I was pregnant with Becky.
No.
We’d been careful! Idris had used condoms. Apart from that first night in the small cave …
I put my hand to my stomach then quickly snatched it away. It would be awful. The worst possible thing to happen. Becky was all I’d ever wanted, no other children. How could I have been so bloody stupid?
‘Calm down,’ I hissed at myself. Maybe I wasn’t pregnant. Maybe I was getting worried about nothing. I tried to explain it away: maybe it was just the change of routine which was making my periods late. Or simply having all that sex with Idris. God knows I wasn’t used to it with Mike. That would surely have an effect on someone’s body?
Like get them pregnant, a small voice in my head said.
One way or another, I needed to know.
Later that day, I headed into town to buy a test, going into the bathroom of a busy pub to take it. As I sat on the toilet seat staring at the small screen, waiting for it to change colour, I thought my heart might hammer right out of my chest.
I watched as a line started to appear.
‘Just let it be one line,’ I whispered. ‘Please let it be one.’ But there was another.
I was pregnant.