The cakes had been replenished in the staff room, and it took all of my willpower to resist grabbing another one.
I checked the lost and found cupboard where any property that had been handed in was stored. Most of what was in there was rubbish: broken umbrellas, old hockey sticks and even a few old socks. On the top shelf was a small plastic box on which was scribbled the word: Valuables. It was empty except for a single necklace, which looked as though it had come out of a Christmas cracker.
“Excuse me, everyone!” I called out. “Can I have your attention for a moment?”
The room fell silent apart from Mr Humperdink who was grumbling to himself while poring over The Candle’s crossword. He was as deaf as a post.
“Mr Humperdink.” Mrs Daylong gave him a nudge. “Jill wants to speak to us.”
“Sorry.” He looked over at me. “I’m stuck on nine down.”
“Beth Nightling from class one-alpha has lost her gold ring. I’ve just checked the lost and found cupboard, but there’s nothing in there. I wondered if anyone has had it handed in to them, but not yet put it in the cupboard.”
No one had.
“Did you check Fleabert Junior’s pockets?” Mrs Eastwest said.
“Phil!” Mr Bluegrass, the deputy head, gave her a disapproving look. “Fleabert can be a bit of a handful, but I don’t think he’s a thief.”
“Beth thinks it went missing in her dorm,” I said. “I doubt any of the boys would have been in there.”
Miss Lombard, who, as always, was as nervous as a kitten, put her hand up, and said, “Lorraine Sharples reported that her gold ring was missing, the day before yesterday.”
Mr Bluegrass came to stand by my side. “These two incidents are not necessarily related, but I suggest that we all remain vigilant. If any more items of value go missing, please report it to myself or to the headmistress.”
***
The Nomad girls’ dormitory was deserted except for a handful of the younger girls.
“Beth, I’m afraid the ring hasn’t been handed in.”
“Thanks for checking, anyway, Miss.” She couldn’t hide her disappointment.
“I’m sure it will turn up. One of the other teachers will let you know when it does.”
“Thanks. It was a Christmas present from my grandmother. She’ll be really upset when I tell her that I’ve lost it.”
“When will you see her again?”
“Not until the end of term.”
“I’m sure you’ll have it back long before then, so she need never know.”
Just then, a loud squawk made me jump.
“That’s Rhubarb,” Beth said.
“Who’s Rhubarb?”
“He’s a parrot, Miss.”
“I didn’t know you were allowed to keep pets in here.”
“Only the seniors are allowed to have them. Rhubarb belongs to Rachel Last.”
The parrot squawked again.
“That must get annoying.”
“You get used to it after a while.”
Just then, I heard the sound of someone crying. Beth must have seen me react because she said, “It’s Felicity Charming.”
“Is she okay?”
“She’s upset about Fluff, Miss.”
“Who’s Fluff?”
“I’ll show you.” Beth led the way down the dormitory.
At the far end of the room, sitting on her bed, was a girl with pigtails and glasses. When she noticed us, she quickly wiped her eyes and stood up.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yes, Miss.”
“Beth said something about Fluff?”
That was obviously the wrong thing to say because Felicity dissolved into tears again.
“That’s Fluff over there.” Beth pointed to a cage on the bedside cabinet.
“What is it?”
“No one knows.” Beth shrugged.
I went over to get a closer look. The weird creature looked like a cross between a guinea pig and a miniature kangaroo, but was much fluffier than either. “He’s very cute.”
“Felicity found him in her backpack when she returned from a field trip to the Valley of Shadows, didn’t you?”
Felicity nodded. “But they won’t let me keep him, Miss. Not unless I can identify what kind of creature he is by the end of next week.”
“Where’s the Valley of Shadows?”
“It’s about a thirty-minute walk from the school.”
“I didn’t think anyone was allowed outside the walls?”
“They’re not usually. Only on supervised field-trips when accompanied by the protectors.”
“Who are the protectors?”
“They’re elite wizards that the school hires whenever there’s a field trip. If a dragon was to attack, the combined power of the protectors can see them off.”
“It still sounds risky.”
“No one has been hurt so far, Miss.”
“What exactly is the purpose of the field trips?”
“To study the flora and fauna of the surrounding area.”
“I thought all of the fauna around these parts wanted to eat you.”
“Not all of it, Miss. There are lots of harmless, small creatures like Fluff.”
“And you say you found him in your bag when you got back?”
“Yes. He must have sneaked in there while we were looking at the flowers. The problem is that the school has a policy of only allowing us to keep pets under a certain size and that can be identified.”
“Don’t any of the teachers know what kind of creature Fluff is?”
“No, Miss. Mr Shuttlebug might have, but he died a couple of years ago.”
“Was he a teacher?”
“He taught woodwork, but his hobby was the study of Candlefield’s exotic creatures.”
Fluff gave out a tiny squeak.
“He is cute,” I said.
“Could you find out what kind of creature he is, Miss?”
“Me? I don’t know the first thing about exotic animals.”
“But you’re a private investigator. Couldn’t you investigate this for me? I could give you all of my pocket money for a month. Or two.”
“I don’t want your pocket money.”
“Please, Miss.”
“I’m not going to make promises that I can’t keep. The best I can do is to ask around when I get back to Candlefield, to see if I can find anyone who knows anything about this type of creature.”
“Thanks, Miss.” She gave me a hug, but then realised what she’d done. “Sorry, Miss, I didn’t mean—”
“That’s okay. Just don’t get your hopes up.”
Beth and I started back down the dorm.
“What’s that sorry looking object?” I pointed to the small, ugly, gold-coloured trophy on top of the bookcase.
“That’s the inter-house sports cup, Miss. Nomad are the holders, and we’re going to win it again this year.”
“How come it’s in here?”
“The winning house is allowed to keep it in their dorms. It spends alternate months in the Nomad girls’ and boys’ dorms.”
“It’s not very attractive.”
“True, but it’s what it represents that matters.”
“Just as well.”
***
I was just about to magic myself back to Washbridge when I noticed I had a text message; it was from Grandma. It must have come through while I was in the classroom when I always had my phone set to silent. She wanted me to drop in at her house to meet Madge Moleworthy.
Great! Just what I needed.
“About time.” Grandma met me at the door. “I thought you were never coming.”
“I didn’t hear your message—”
“You’re a bit young to be going deaf, aren’t you?”
“I was about to say that I didn’t hear it because I was at CASS.”
“Doing what?”
“I teach there every other week. I did tell you.”
“Oh yes, I remember now. I still can’t imagine why they invited you to teach there when they could have had the benefit of my experience. My fee would have been quite reasonable.”
“They wanted someone with a lot of experience of living in the human world. And, anyway, they don’t pay me.”
“Are you insane? Why would you do it for free?”
“Because it’s a nice thing to do. It’s my way of giving back. You should give it a try.”
“Pah.” She scoffed. “I’ve got better things to do with my time.”
“You said in your message that you wanted me to meet Madge Moleworthy.”
“She’s in the kitchen.”
“Hold on. What if I don’t like her?”
“There’s nothing not to like. Come on. My tea is going cold.”
“How lovely to meet you, Jill.” Madge gave me a hug. “I’ve heard so much about you from your grandmother. It’s so kind of you to let me stay in your house while you’re away.”
“I haven’t actually—err—think nothing of it.”
“Did you want a cup of tea, Jill?” Grandma asked.
“Yes, please.”
“Right. You can make us another one while you’re at it. Mine’s gone cold.”
After I’d made the tea, we all went through to the lounge.
“Biscuit?” Grandma offered the tin to Madge and me.
“Not for me, thanks. I had a muffin at CASS.”
“You’ve been to CASS?” Madge dunked a ginger biscuit in her tea. Gross!
“I teach there once a fortnight.”
“Oh? Your grandmother told me that you were a detective.”
“My main job is a private investigator in the human world. The headmistress at CASS asked if I’d teach human studies once every couple of weeks.”
“Can you believe they don’t even pay her?” Grandma chipped in.
“It’s probably worth it just to visit CASS.” Madge was trying to fish the remnants of her biscuit out of the cup of tea. “I’ve never been there myself, but I hear it’s wonderful.”
“It’s a marvellous building, and the area surrounding it is—”
“Yes, yes, that’s all very interesting, I’m sure.” Grandma interrupted. “But Madge needs to know the arrangements for moving into your house.”
“I’m planning to travel to the human world a week on Sunday,” Madge said.
“Jack and I get married the day before that.”
“That’s alright then,” Grandma said. “You can meet Madge at your house on the Sunday morning.”
“I can’t. We’ll be on our way to our honeymoon first thing on Sunday.”
“Can’t you travel later?”
“No, we can’t. All the arrangements have been made. Why don’t I give you my key on the Saturday, Grandma, and you can let Madge have it?”
“You seem to be under the impression that I’ll be coming to the wedding.”
“You are, aren’t you?”
“Probably. Unless I get a better offer in the meantime.”
After I’d finished my tea, I made my excuses and left. I still wasn’t thrilled at the idea of someone living in our house while we were away, but Madge seemed harmless enough.
Before magicking myself back to Washbridge, I nipped next door to Aunt Lucy’s. Much to my surprise, the twins were both there. So too were Lil and Lil.
“Jill?” Pearl looked surprised to see me. “Come on in. I’ve just made tea. Would you like a cup?”
“No, thanks. I’ve just had a drink at Grandma’s. I thought you were working today, Amber?”
“I am, but Pearl said she was going around to Mum’s, so I nipped out for a few minutes. I’ve left Mindy in charge.”
Aunt Lucy was seated on the sofa, with the two babies on either side of her; they were both fast asleep.
“Those little angels are very peaceful,” I said. “You obviously have the magical touch.”
“Hmm. That’s a sore point.”
“What do you mean?”
“When the twins were babies, I occasionally used spells to make my life a little easier.”
“What kind of spells?”
“Nothing too drastic. I used magic to rock them in their prams, or to make the cuddly toys move around. That sort of thing.”
“That sounds like a great idea.”
“These two don’t approve.” She glanced first at Pearl and then at Amber. “They’ve said I can’t use magic around the Lils.”
“I wish you wouldn’t call them that,” Pearl said.
“What else am I supposed to call them?”
“Lil and Lil.”
“Okay.” Aunt Lucy sighed. “The twins won’t allow me to use magic when I’m babysitting Lil and Lil.”
“Why not?” I turned to the twins. “It seems harmless enough.”
“Not according to current thinking,” Amber said. “All the experts say that babies should be raised without the use of magic.”
Pearl nodded. “We never use magic around them at home, so we don’t want Mum to do it either.”
“Fair enough.”
“I’d better be making tracks.” Amber finished her tea, and then bent down and gave her Lil a kiss. “Bye, cutykins. Mummy will see you later.”
“What time are the machine guys coming?” Pearl called after her sister.
“In about an hour.”
“Do you remember all the things you need to check with them?”
“Of course I do. Bye, everyone.”
Curiosity had got the better of me, so after Amber had left, I asked Pearl who the ‘machine guys’ were.
“It’s our latest brilliant idea for Cuppy C.”
Oh no.
“I thought you’d given up on the crazy initiatives now that you have the babies.”
“We still have a business to run, and anyway, this is not some crazy initiative, as you put it.”
“What are you planning this time?”
“We’re trying to streamline the order-taking process.”
“Why do you need to do that?”
“At busy times, there can be really long queues in the tea room, even with Mindy working there.”
“I haven’t seen many queues.”
“Yes, Jill, but you aren’t there all the time like we are, are you?”
“True. Why don’t you just employ more assistants?”
“There isn’t room behind the counter. That’s why we came up with the idea of using machines to take the orders.”
“What kind of machines? You aren’t thinking of using robots, are you?”
“Of course not. We’re not stupid. They’d be bound to go wrong. We’re going to get those self-order machines you sometimes see in fast-food restaurants.”
“I know the sort of thing you mean. They’re very complicated. It took me ages to work out how to use them.”
“They’re not complicated.” She laughed. “Well, for you, maybe, but most people find them easy to use. And they’re really quick. You place your order, and by the time you get to the counter, it’s waiting for you to collect.”
“Aren’t they expensive?”
“That’s what we thought until Ron came to see us.”
“Ron?”
“Yeah. Ron Gunn. He supplies reconditioned machines for a fraction of the cost of new. We’ll only need a couple of them, so they’ll pay for themselves in no time.”
“Reconditioned? Isn’t that a bit dodgy?”
“Not at all. They’re fully guaranteed.”
“What do you think about this, Aunt Lucy?”
“There’s no point in asking me, Jill. We oldies don’t know anything, apparently.”
***
I spent the afternoon in the office, but there was nothing much doing—not so much as a sniff of a new client. I was beginning to think that Winky’s suggestion that I move into the Feng Shui business was worth more consideration. How difficult could it be to shuffle furniture around a room? The hard part would be keeping a straight face while talking earnestly about the negative and positive energy flows. But let’s face it, you’d have to be pretty unscrupulous to do something like that.
What do you mean it should suit me down to the ground?
The afternoon really dragged, and even when it was finally time to call it a day, I still had to face the tedious dress fitting.
I was just wondering whether or not anyone would notice if I didn’t turn up when Kathy and Lizzie walked into my office.
“Didn’t you trust me to come to the shop?” I said.
“Lizzie has something she wants to ask you, don’t you, Pumpkin?”
“Auntie Jill, can I borrow your cat?”
“Winky? What do you want him for?”
“Cheryl and Amy—they’re my friends at school. They’ve both entered their cats in the cat show, and I’d like to enter Winky.”
“Couldn’t you just go and watch it?”
“That wouldn’t be as much fun. Mummy said you might let me enter Winky into the competition.”
“I’m not sure he’d enjoy being in a cat show.” Just then, I spotted Winky who had come out from under the sofa. He was giving me two thumbs up and nodding his head. “Then again, I suppose he might like it.”
“Thank you, Auntie Jill.” She threw her arms around me. “You’re the best auntie in the whole wide world.”
“That’s okay. When is it?”
“This Sunday.” Kathy held up three tickets.
“This Sunday? The day after the hen night?”
“You did say you wouldn’t be having much to drink.”
“I know, but—hold on a minute. How come you already have the tickets?”
“They were selling out fast. I had to make sure they didn’t run out.” She fished another piece of paper out of her pocket. “And this is confirmation that Winky has been entered into the competition.”
“I can’t wait,” Lizzie gushed.
“Me neither.” I glared at Kathy.
“We’d better get back to the shop.” Kathy took Lizzie’s hand. “We’ll see you down there in a few minutes, Auntie Jill.” She was almost out of the door when she said, “Oh, and don’t worry about the money for the tickets and the entrance fee. You can give it to me later.”
Once again, that sister of mine had done me up like a kipper.
“What do I win?” Winky jumped onto my desk.
“What?”
“At the cat show. I’m bound to win. What’s the prize?”
“How would I know? Are you really sure you want to do this? There’s still time to back out.”
“No chance. I’m really looking forward to it.”
***
“I’ll get you back for this,” I said when I arrived at the bridal shop.
“For what?” Kathy gave me an innocent look.
“You know what. The cat show.”
“It’ll be fun, just you, me and Lizzie.”
“Says you. Do we really need to bother with another dress fitting tonight? It was perfect the last time I tried it on.”
“No, it wasn’t. The hem on one side at the back was half a centimetre too long.”
“I want to see your dress again, Auntie Jill.” Lizzie was already wearing her bridesmaid’s dress.
“You look beautiful, Lizzie.” I glanced around. “Where’s Mikey?”
“There’s something I have to tell you about Mikey,” Kathy said.
“He’s not poorly, is he?”
“No, he’s fine, but he’s decided he doesn’t want to be a pageboy.”
“Why?”
“Apparently, some of his friends saw a photo of him, and made fun of his outfit.”
“He shouldn’t care what they say.”
“That’s what I told him, but he’s adamant he doesn’t want to do it. I even tried to bribe him with the promise of maggots.”
“Maggots?”
“For his fishing. He’s always running out of them, but even the promise of a month’s supply wasn’t enough to change his mind.”
“It’s okay. I wouldn’t expect him to do it unless he wants to. I’m happy just to have you and Lizzie as bridesmaids.”
“Come on, then. Put the dress on. Let me take a look at that hem.”
***
As Jack was having a bowling night, I called at the fish and chip shop on my way home from the dress fitting. Tish and Chip were behind the counter.
“Fish, chips and mushy peas, please.”
“Open or wrapped?”
“Wrapped, please.”
“Salt and vinegar?”
“No, thanks.”
“What about curtains?”
“Sorry?”
“We have a promotion on ready-made curtains this week.” She pointed to the display at the far end of the counter.
“Err—no, thanks. I’m good for curtains.”
Despite their inexplicable obsession with soft furnishings, Tish and Chip did make delicious fish and chips. I ate every last morsel.
Jack arrived home just before ten-thirty. “It smells of fish and chips in here.”
“I called at the chippy on my way home.”
“Too lazy to make yourself something?”
“No. I had to go for the dress fitting after work, and I didn’t get away from there for ages. You know what Kathy’s like—fussing around.”
“How did it go?”
“Okay. Apparently, the hem is spot on now.”
“Good stuff.”
“Mikey isn’t going to be our pageboy.”
“Oh? Why not?”
“His friends were taking the mickey, so he’s decided he doesn’t want to do it.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“Fine. It’s best he doesn’t do it if he doesn’t want to. He’d only act up on the day. How did the bowling go?”
“Brilliant. I told you that Bill and Graham had challenged me and Chris to the best of five matches, didn’t I?”
“Err—yeah, I think so.” I normally zoned out when Jack was talking about bowling.
“Well, we beat them tonight.”
“That’s nice.”
“Nice? It’s unbelievable. Nibbler is favourite for next month’s North of England Cup; he’s won three years in a row. And—”
“Hold on. Did you call him Nibbler?”
“That’s Bill’s nickname because he bites his nails non-stop.”
“You should introduce him to Deli’s husband. It sounds like they’d hit it off. So, what’s your nickname?”
“I don’t have one. Anyway, I was telling you about our fantastic victory. Graham is second seed for the North of England Cup. When Bill and Graham play as a team, they’re practically invincible. In fact, that’s what they’d taken to calling themselves: the invincibles. They even have matching shirts and bowling balls.”
“Well done you.”
“Thanks. It felt good to get the better of them after all this time.”
“Should I start to call you King Pin?”
“I think you should.”