CHAPTER 9:
BEN
There she was. On the edge of the stage. In different clothes for once in her life.
Lilly.
She looked especially beautiful tonight, wearing a black leather jacket that actually fit her. Her hair was down and the color appeared more vibrant than normal, probably due to the stage lighting effects. It seemed like Rhett was about to announce the group. That was when she noticed me.
I’d called Jack earlier this week and practically begged him to make an exception and extend my curfew time by a couple hours just this once. He’d been reluctant, but I’d been persistent and eventually he’d caved. Under one condition though, that he came along with. So, I had a babysitter with me.
I also had Ellie, Georgina, and Noah along too. Apparently, since high school, Sydney and Georgie had become quite close. So all of us, including Jack, were sharing a table. I didn’t really care who I was with. I was just happy to be here.
Lilly’s eyes connected with mine. A look of pure terror crossed her face. I’d seen that look on her before. She was about to be sick. She mouthed something to Rhett before turning and disappearing.
“Be back in a minute guys,” I said to everyone and no one all at once. I didn’t wait around for anyone’s permission. Instead, I stumbled out of my seat and hurried toward the bathrooms.
Knowing my way around the bar, I weaved in and out of people until I was standing in front of the women’s bathroom. I guessed that was where Lilly had hurried off to. Sure enough, as I tentatively pushed open the door to the bathroom, I heard someone throwing up. Shit. “Lilly,” I called out. “I’m coming in.”
She'd locked the stall door so I didn't get very far. There was another woman in the restroom and I made an ass of myself as I randomly stood there waiting on Lilly. The other woman said nothing, surely hearing Lilly too and possibly understanding, before she left us, giving us our privacy.
I felt clueless standing there. I hadn't seen Lilly much in the last couple weeks. I'd made a point of not seeing her, actually. Ever since the night on the beach something had profoundly changed between us and it scared the shit out of me. There were feelings there now, feelings that hadn't been there previously, feelings I sensed she felt too. I chalked most of it up to both of us being far too vulnerable in that moment.
If she weren't pregnant, I'd pursue something with her in an instant. All bets would be off, and I wouldn't waste another second trying to fight whatever it was I was feeling. But that wasn't the reality. She didn't need a boyfriend, especially one with a track record as shitty as mine—she needed a friend.
I hadn't been a very good friend to her lately. I'd kind of stepped back and let Rhett take over. Rhett and I had been speaking on the phone almost daily, and he'd been keeping me updated on how she was doing. He was driving her to the grocery store now. He was taking her to and from band practice. I'd even suggested he find some way to get her some new clothes. And since she wasn't in her damn sweatshirt, he must have come through with that.
Bottom line: he was there for her now since I wasn't. And I thought I was okay with that. Until this very moment. Suddenly I felt sick with regret. So angry with myself that I could barely breathe. What the fuck was I thinking stepping back like I had? Rhett had told me her morning sickness wasn't so bad anymore. And here she was throwing up again. I wanted to kill Rhett. And I knew that was misplaced anger, but knowing that didn't take away from the sheer agony I felt inside.
“Lilly,” I tried. “Could you open the door please?”
It was silent on the other side of the stall now. But she had yet to come out. It was taking her a little too long.
I tried again, asking, “Is it morning sickness or nerves about the show?”
“A little of both,” she answered. “I'm okay. Just give me a second.”
“Okay.”
She didn’t sound too terrible. Her voice was steady. Her words were clear. A moment later, the stall door clicked open and I had to step back as she stepped out. Her eyes met mine briefly as she moved past me for the bathroom sink. I stayed silent as she washed her hands and then scooped some water in her hands to rinse out her mouth. After a moment, she grabbed a paper towel, drying her hands and face. Her eyes were on mine the whole time in the mirror.
“You shouldn't be in the girls' bathroom,” she told me—a warning. “I'm not particularly fond of you witnessing me throwing up. That's twice now.”
I didn't have a good response for her. I didn't really care how much she got sick or how much I saw of it. If she needed me, I'd be there.
Pulling my hands through my hair, I tried to relax a little. Trying wasn’t working. “You don't have to do this. Sing, I mean. We can leave right now. I'll take you home.”
Was too much anxiety even good for the baby?
“I need the money. I've been practicing a lot for tonight. I'm ready.” She sounded incredibly confident. “You don't need to worry about me, Ben.”
Yeah... about the money she was getting for this. Rhett and I had discussed this as well. Most of the five hundred dollars she was about to make was coming straight from me.
I felt super guilty going behind her back and all. But Rhett's band was complete shit. Their gigs did not bring in much money, and the rest of the guys weren't about to divide their share equally with some random girl Rhett had asked to join the group without anyone else's permission. He'd had to do some serious convincing to even get them to agree to let her suddenly become their lead singer. She didn't know it, but tonight was more of an audition than anything else.
When I got my first pay check, after I paid my parents a portion of the money I still owed them, I gave the rest to Rhett. In retrospect I should have at least bought a damn cell phone, but I hadn't thought that far ahead. I’d only been concerned about her.
“Okay, I won't worry,” I told her, totally lying my ass off. “Break a leg or whatever it is I'm supposed to say.”
“Good luck is fine.”
“Good luck then.”
She reached out and engulfed me in a hug. It happened a little suddenly and it took me by surprise. She squeezed and held on tight, making my heart thump like a fucking rabbit in my chest.
“Thank you for coming,” she whispered into my shoulder. “It means everything to me.”
For the briefest moment, I rested my hands on the back of her neck and head. Her hair felt like silk underneath my fingers. I choked out a single breath of air. In all my life I’d never felt so wonderful and terrified all at once.
A second later, she broke away.
“Okay then,” I told her. “Go kick some ass.”
She laughed off my comment, yanking on the bathroom door. We walked through the bar together, in the direction of the stage. I willed myself to say something else, anything really, but no words left my lips. We reached the stage, she went in her direction and I went in mine.
Back at the table, everyone watched me as I sat down in my chair. Someone had been nice enough to order me a water while I’d been gone. I took a giant swig of it.
“What was that about?” Ellie demanded.
I shrugged, taking another sip. “I had to pee.”
“At the same time Lilly Davenport had to pee?” she questioned, her eyes narrowing in speculation at me. It was impossible for my oldest sister to stay out of everyone else’s business.
I was about to tell her to be quiet because she was annoying me and because the band was coming on, but Noah (of all people) beat me to it. “Leave him be, Ellie,” he told her softly. And like magic, Ellie stopped pestering me.
Wow. Kind of strange, but I didn’t question it.
In the next second, Rhett started talking. He was the type of person, outgoing and charismatic, that could easily grab and sustain the attention of a crowd. He introduced his band—Riptide Rush—as they were calling themselves these days, about the fifth name I'd known them by, and then he introduced Lilly.
“We have a special guest singing with us tonight, y’all. The beautiful and very talented, Lilly. So let’s get things started.”
The drummer immediately started the band off, playing a beat that reminded me of marching. I knew this song. But I'd never heard them play it before, and I wondered if it had been Lilly's song choice.
Rhett began on the guitar, the familiar chords of U2's “Sunday Bloody Sunday” filling the room, and whatever I'd been thinking about went forgotten. The band had the undivided attention of everyone in the entire place. The power and excitement of that song, particularly the opening of that song, filled the room.
And then Lilly sang.
The words were familiar, words I knew by heart, and yet, on her lips it was as if I was hearing them for the first time. Wow. I hadn't really known what to expect and had I heard her sing before, I never would have suggested she go home in the bathroom moments before this.
Her voice was absolute perfection. And she was sexy as fuck singing with so much heart into her microphone.
Shit.
I couldn't look away or even manage a steady breath watching her.
“Okay, that's long enough. I've waited long enough,” Ellie shouted to the table about thirty seconds into the song. “I need to dance. Noah,” she exclaimed, demanding he get up and join her. “Come with me.”
To my utter surprise, Noah stood.
“Georgie?” he asked, grabbing onto my little sister’s hand. She didn't waste any time and got up with him. Sydney was quick to follow the others. And suddenly the four of them had left me, off to be the brave first souls on the dance floor, singing their hearts out along with the band, just below where Lilly was performing.
I didn't move. I couldn't. I was entranced by Lilly on stage, only vaguely aware of what ridiculous idiots my siblings and the others were making of themselves on the dance floor.
“I'm getting a beer,” Jack said in his firm, rough voice. “Want one?”
I wasn't sure if that was a test or a genuine offer. It didn't matter. I planned on staying completely sober tonight. “No, thanks,” I said with my eyes still on the stage.
Lilly didn't look at me once during the song. I don't think she looked at anyone, actually. Her eyes were mostly closed and every ounce of her being was focused on the song she sang.
By the time this first song ended and the band flowed into the next song, the entire dance floor had filled. I'd never seen this place so alive. It was one of the most incredible performances I'd ever seen anyone, professional or novice, give.
With Lilly in the band… suddenly they weren’t complete shit anymore.
The next song began. And then another. When the fourth song started I realize I hadn't even moved a muscle. I'd been too enamored. My eyes found my siblings on the dance floor. Something in me wanted to join them.
And so, I did.
Ellie squealed as I came up to dance and sing with them. They were all having so much fun, it was infectious. Especially Georgina. I'd never seen her so happy in my entire life.
Ellie was always happy, always up for a good time. She never worried about anything in life. Georgie, on the other hand, tended to have her highs and lows. But tonight, I saw a whole different side to my sister. With Noah, she was... free.
And Noah? Who the hell knew he could have a good time? He danced just as hard as anyone else. Normally quiet, he sang along to every song tonight.
Now that I was practically under her feet, the focus of Lilly's attention shifted to me. And once she saw me it was as if she was singing solely to me. I sang along with her at the top of my lungs, bouncing with the rhythm of the crowd, lost in the moment.
There was no denying it, despite being in a jam-packed room, I was so fucking turned on by her. My heart raced. My blood pumped. My skin tingled. In that moment, nothing else in the world mattered, just the music and the pretty girl singing in front of me. I wished this high could last forever. I don't think I'd ever had this much fun or felt so much heat all at once.
Eventually, the band's first set ended. I was both simultaneously relieved and disappointed.
“We're going to take a fifteen minute break. Everybody get a drink, get hydrated, and don't go anywhere,” Rhett said to the crowd. There was a collective sigh and the dance floor cleared in an instant.
I lingered. So did Lilly on stage. As the others disappeared, I kept my eyes with her. “That was incredible,” I shouted up to her. Her performance was worth so much more than five-hundred dollars.
“You think?” The biggest smile filled her face.
“I know.”
I nodded to my right, wanting her to come around and meet me. She understood my meaning and moved to leave the stage.
I hurried to meet her.
We found each other on the edge of the stage. I wanted to kiss her so fucking bad. I wanted to do more than kiss her. I ached with the sudden need to know what it felt like to be inside her. To make love to her. To touch and kiss every inch of her soft skin. To know her on a much deeper level than the one we were currently on.
Suddenly, the two years during which I'd been celibate felt like a lifetime. I was so fucking hungry. And it wasn't for food. The worst part was Lilly had that same hunger in her eyes. But neither of us were acting on it. We both held back; both of us somehow able to resist the electric tether that was desperately trying to pull us together. It took a whole lot of restraint on my end, but somehow I managed not to touch her and pull her mouth to my mouth.
“Fuck,” I whispered, because I was in complete agony.
“I know,” she said in response. There was a fire in her eyes that told me she really did know exactly what I meant.
A second later Rhett joined us, handing Lilly a water bottle. She took it eagerly, opened the top, and chugged the water down. The little spell we'd been under was broken. Not unmendable, but at least back-burnered for the moment. Rhett started jabbering on and on—as he so frequently does. Sydney, Ellie, and the others came up and joined the little ‘pow-wow, group-talk’ thing we all had going on. They were discussing the band and how spectacular Lilly was and whatnot. I wasn't listening though. I was still lost on Lilly.
Here was the deal:
So fucking what if she was pregnant. If she was finished with her baby’s daddy, wanted him out of her life, and had moved on from him, why the hell couldn't I step in and take over? And take care of her? There was this protectiveness inside me—a feeling I didn't know I was capable of until this moment—and I suddenly and desperately wanted to be that person for her.
After the conversation ended and it was time for the band to start their second set, I went back to my seat this time. I watched every single song for the rest of the night, but not with same vigor as before. Now my thoughts were elsewhere, now I was considering the possibility of a future with her. For the first time in forever, the idea of staying and living in North Carolina didn't seem quite so terrifying.