I made the trip back home. Not home-home, but college-home. Jude was reluctant to let me leave. He didn’t say it in so many words, but I think he liked having me near him for his sanity.

Josh was waiting in my dorm room when I arrived. His outstretched arms pulled me to him and he held me close. We’d been friends for a long time, and in those years I’d never experienced that kind of grief. I knew what heartbreak felt like. This was different. This was agony. It was a suffocating kind of feeling that latched on to your heart, and instead of breaking it, would squeeze so hard that you couldn’t breathe. Love made a heart grow in size, while pain shrunk it down until there was barely a trace of it there.

“Lee,” Josh said as he rubbed my back gently. “I’m sorry.” His words were sincere. He didn’t have to say anything. Just being there, and fulfilling his best friend duties was enough for me. “I brought you some coffee.”

Pulling away, I eyed the dresser where the large cup was steaming. “Thanks. Have you told everybody?” I asked, meaning Fox, and Obi, and the rest of his friends.

“Garrett called everybody around lunch time.”

“Okay.” I sipped my hot coffee and sat down on my bed stretching my legs out. I’d already texted Letty that morning, and I called my Mom to let her know. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing,” I could feel those dreadful tears building back up. “I feel sort of useless.”

Josh took a seat at the foot of the bed, resting his hand on my leg. “You’re not useless. Did you ask Jude if he needed you to do anything?”

“We haven’t said too much since it happened. He arranged for his Mom to be moved here so that he could bury her, but said he didn’t want to have a funeral. I guess he’s planning on a graveside service on Wednesday morning. I’ll no more later,” I explained.

“Okay. Why don’t you get some rest, maybe take a little nap. I’ll tell Letty to bring you some food from the diner when she get’s off work.” He was so sweet, but I wasn’t the one he needed to worry about.

“I can’t stay long. I promised Jude that I’d be back at the farm. He didn’t want me to leave, but I convinced him to let me come take a shower and get some clothes. He’s having a hard time.” I admitted. “It hard for me to watch him like that.”

“I couldn’t imagine.” Josh shook his head.

“Maybe when it’s all over, you and the guys can take him out for a drink or something. Let him get his mind off things for a minute. I don’t know how he will handle all of this Josh. I’m a little scared that he’ll do something crazy or he’ll do the opposite and keep it all bottled up until he drives himself mad.” It was all new territory for me. I wanted to be there for him, but I also wanted to make sure that he was okay.

Who am I kidding?

It could take months or years to heal from something like the death of your mother.

I needed sleep.

“I’ll talk to Garrett about it, and we’ll figure something out. Don’t worry okay?” That was easier said than done. “Go get a shower, and I’ll drive you over to Jude’s. At least maybe you can get a little rest on the way.”

That was Josh. Always looking out for me no matter what.

I gathered some clean clothes, and padded off towards the bathroom.

“Hey Josh,” I called out.

“Yeah.”

“Did you get your girl?” I asked him. My head propped up against the doorframe. “Gwen?”

“Not yet,” A smile played on his lips.

I loved his enthusiastic heart. “You will.”

“Thanks Lee.”

Closing the door to the bathroom, I stripped down. A nice hot shower was exactly what I needed after the morning I’d had. After I turned the water to an “almost burn your skin off” temperature, I stepped in. It was stupid of me to think that the hot water would somehow ease the pungent pain that flittered in my chest. I tilted my head back and let the water rain heavily over my head, covering my face. I was tired, both mentally and physically. It felt like my body had been drained, poured out into a puddle and left there for someone to pounce on.

Poor Jude.

If I was feeling this way, then how in the heck was he holding it together.

I had to get back to him.

Washing quickly, I finished. I dried off and slipped on something comfortable. We probably wouldn’t even leave the loft, so there was no point in worrying about what to wear. I tied my damp hair into a ponytail and grabbed my toothbrush.

“I’m ready to go.” I said as I rushed out of the bathroom.

“No need.” Josh replied.

When I looked up, I saw Jude standing next to my bed. He hadn’t even changed his clothes. His white dress shirt was half unbuttoned and he stood there hunched over. He had a deeply pained looked in his eyes, a look that could only be described as utter heartbreak.

“Jude.”

He didn’t say anything back.

“I’m going to get out of here. Call me if you need anything. Either of you,” he patted Jude’s shoulder before leaving the room.

The room was a bit darker from the cloudiness outside the window. It was casting a gray shadow on Jude’s gloomy face.

“I thought I was meeting you at your place?” I asked him. “I was just about to head that way.”

He rubbed the palm of his hand over his scruffy chin. “It was a little too quiet there. You don’t mind that I came here right? We can go back to the barn in a little while.”

“Of course I don’t mind. You want to take a shower?”

The poor guy was still in his dress clothes.

“Yeah. I think I will.” He answered. There was something lost in his eyes, a little something missing. He needed some time alone with his friends to blow off some steam. With just a couple of days until the burial, I was worried about how far he was going to slip away. “I’ll just be a minute.”

I scooted into his arms for a brief second so that I could steal a kiss. His lips were warm against mine.

He whispered, “I love you,” while his lips grazed mine.

“I love you too.”

After he slipped into the bathroom, I called Bear and asked him to bring over some clothes for Jude. Anything was fine so long as he didn’t have to wear those same clothes another day. He agreed. He also said he’d bring over something to eat and we could hang out. I wasn’t sure how Jude would feel about having company but Bear was family.

I sat down on the bed to put some lotion on my legs, when the door to the room swung open.

Letty.

I dashed off the bed and barreled into her arms at full speed. It was one thing to be hugged by Josh, but Letty was my best girl friend, and I needed her. I hadn’t realized just how much until I saw her face. Her arms locked behind me and she squeezed me back with just as much force.

“Are you okay?”

My shoulders sagged at her words, but I nodded my head yes. Jude was in much worse shape, and needed far more consoling than me. It’s not always easy to be strong for the ones you love, so I was relying on the shoulders of my friends to help me build up the strength to get Jude through the rough road ahead.

“Please tell me you’re off for the rest of the day?” I asked, though it sounded more like a plea.

“I’m all yours.”

“And Jude’s,” I hitched my thumb in the direction of the bathroom. “He’s taking shower. Oh, and Bear is coming over soon. He’s bringing food.”

“Sounds good to me.” Her smile was genuine. She liked Bear. But then again, who didn’t. He was such a loveable guy, like a big ol’ gummy bear, or maybe a sour patch kid.

The only one of Jude’s friends that Letty didn’t like was Fox. Occasionally I’ll catch her saying, “For Fox sake,” instead of –fuck, so I really feel like she secretly finds him hot. She’s never said it, but it’s like best friend intuition. Sometimes hate is easier than love.

I knocked on the bathroom door and told Jude to make sure he had something on when he walked out. Letty thought that was hilarious.

“No wait, you can come out nude Jude. I don’t mind.” She yelled.

It was the first time I’d heard him laugh in a while. It was deep and hearty, completely warming my heart. It was the best sound ever.

I mouthed a thank you to Letty and she gave me wink.

There was a rustling on the other side of the thin bathroom door, and then he came strolling out, all clean and smelling good. He was shirtless, only wearing his dress pants that were a couple of days late for a good washing. But the way they hung of his hips had me wishing we were the only people in the room. There was no woman on the earth who wouldn’t appreciate that low dip, and that thin patch of hair that led to just the right place.

Shit hell. Was it hot?

I had no shame when I let my eyes roam over his chiseled body from top to bottom.

“Paislee Cooper, are you sweating?” I felt the heat rush into my cheeks from Letty’s words.

“It is pretty hot in here.” I replied. I could tell by the subtle smile on Jude’s face that he knew just what had me hot and bothered, and I hoped he did.

Letty’s laughter was contagious. Even Jude snickered.

“Dammit,” I jumped back. “You little immigrant!” That stupid irked my last nerve. Cute or not, he was a major pain.

“I’ve got food,” Bear yelled, more like shouted from the rooftops. The door to our dorm room was closed and we could hear him out in the common room. My neighbors were easily finding more reasons to hate us. Not that they really hated us. Truthfully, I wasn’t quite sure how they felt about us. They were just distant. Neither of them spoke much. They kept to themselves. At times they would be on the sofa in the common room when I came home, and neither of them would look up when I walked into the room. They were either to shy to speak or they hated us. It was my only conclusion.

The door to our room swung open and Bear came in carrying several bags of food, and a large duffel bag. He was a sight for sore eyes, and true to Bear fashion he barreled into Jude and me for the biggest hug he had to offer. It didn’t matter that his arms were overflowing with stuff. He hugged us like his life depended on it.

There was a faint smell of whiskey on him mixed with his cologne. It could’ve been left over from a hangover or from a morning bender. There was no telling with him. I didn’t question it though. Just having him there with us was enough, especially for Jude.

He pilled the food onto Letty’s bed without even asking before handing Jude the bag. “Here’s some clothes man.”

“Thanks.” Jude told him before slipping back into the bathroom.

“I’m sorry about your aunt,” Letty said. Bear didn’t reply. He only nodded his head before he started digging through the sacks of food. The way he shook off the sadness reminded me of one of the many expressions I’d lately seen on Jude’s face. The burdens were slowly creeping in to Jude’s mind, and soon, I was afraid too soon, he’d crumble and fall to pieces.

I wasn’t very hungry, but I knew that I needed to keep up my strength no matter how much my stomach protested. My body felt sort of numb except for my churning stomach.

“Thanks for getting food Bear.”

“No problem.” A grin formed just at the corner of his lips. “I needed something to do to keep busy.”

Sadly, I understood. Slowing down meant another wave of sadness would wash over you.

The bathroom door opened and Jude came out wearing actual clothes. Not his usual Jeans, instead he was wearing a pair of loose track pants and a white tee shirt. He made everything he wore look good.

I patted the bed beside me, and he came over to sit next to me. The bed dipped when he sat down, and I passed him a bag that had a cheeseburger and some fries inside.

“I’m not very hungry.” His voice was low.

“Maybe just a couple of bites,” I encouraged. “You haven’t ate anything in a while.”

I thought he’d continue to try an finagle his way around it, but he relented, unwrapping the cheeseburger. A man of his size needed food.

The talk between the four of us was sparing. No one knew what to say to a man whose mother just passed away. There were no words that were socially acceptable, and none that even remotely felt right.

After we ate, Bear tried to get Jude to go home with him, which I thought was a great idea. I figured being around family might help, but he wasn’t having it. He wanted to go back to the barn, with me.

I packed a bag, and the two of us headed out. School was still quiet as we made our way out of the secluded parking lot and on the road towards Jude’s place. Most everyone was still gone for spring break; very few people were left on campus. I was supposed to be staying with Jude and enjoying the company of his parents, having dinner, and watching him interact with his family, the people he loved most in the world. But plans changed, and life threw him the nastiest curve ball. His life was flipped upside down in an instant, no rhyme or reason.

Reaching for his hand, I laced my fingers with his. He gently squeezed and pulled my tiny hand to his chest. I could feel the steady beat of his heart against it. We’d grown so close over the time we’d been together, and I hoped that the feeling I had when he was near me would never fade. My heart belonged to him.

The next few days were going to be difficult, for him mostly. I just wanted him to know that I’d be there for him.

“I love you, Jude.”

“I love you too, Darlin.”