Pa sat down in the armed chair next to me, as I finished my song to Momma. It was a sweet lullaby about angels watching over as you slept. It was the one thing I hoped for, that she wasn’t in any pain. I hoped that angels were keeping her at peace.

I could tell by the grounded look in Pa’s eyes that he was with us. He squinted and deep wrinkles gathered on his forehead as he stared at Momma lying lifeless in the bed. I wished that she were awake too, so that I could have one sturdy moment with both of them. I needed a chance, even if it were only a second, to feel like the child again. To not have to worry about taking care of anyone. I needed to be able to just be their son again.

Her eyes were closed and I held her tiny hand in mine, willing her with all my might to just open her eyes. I thought that singing her favorite song would spark something inside her and that she’d suddenly wake up. She used to love having me sing to her. On Sunday mornings she’d have me sit out on the front porch and sing to her for hours while she sat on the porch swing drinking her coffee. Sometimes she even asked me to play my guitar and sing for her while she cooked in the kitchen. Those were memories I’d never forget.

As I sat there looking at her, I prayed so hard that she’d open her eyes one more time. I knew that she wouldn’t be able to see me. Her sight had been gone for years. But I needed a few more moments with her awake and alert, just a few more moments where I could talk to her and know, somewhere inside her, she could hear me.

She looked so helpless lying there, so weak and frail. She was just a shell, like a breakable little bird egg. The ones you handled with complete care. I could hardly bare to see her like that.

Her hand was still warm, and the machine that beeped next to us told me that her heart was still beating. The slow and steady repetition was achingly the only sound holding me together. I didn’t know how much longer that machine would continue to beep, but the end was inevitable. So I needed every tiny beep that machine was going to give me, every single one.

“Is she going to be okay?” Pa’s voice broke my trance. I looked over at him as he sat there without a single bit of understanding. He was confused. He had no idea what was happening. All he could see was his wife unconscious on that hospital bed.

I shook my head no. What else could I say? How was I supposed to tell him that his wife was about to leave this world? I couldn’t, especially knowing that he’d likely not remember it tomorrow.

A movement near the door caught my eye, and I glanced up to see Paislee standing there. She looked so small as she stood there unmoving. Her eyes were puffy and red and her arms were closed tightly around her chest. In the moment, I caught the despaired look in her eyes, but she had no idea how much I needed her there. I didn’t want her to think she didn’t belong, because I could barely breathe if she weren’t there with me. Even just as a silhouette standing nearby. She was my rock, the only anchor that was keeping me firmly on the ground.

I mouthed the words –I love you, to her, and without hesitation she said them back.

I felt Momma’s hand move in mine, and I jumped up quickly. Was she waking? Her head rolled towards me just slightly, and I could see a slight movement behind her eyelids.

My heart skipped a beat. She was going to wake up, and I was going to get to tell her I love her one more time. My prayers were being answered.

Pa stood up and went around to the other side of the hospital bed taking her free hand. I was beyond grateful that in that moment he would get a chance to say goodbye, because even if he didn’t remember it tomorrow, he would get closure today. That had to count for something. Right? Maybe it was false hopes, or me clinging to my desperate need to see her awake. I couldn’t be sure. But in the moment it didn’t matter.

I saw her eyelids flutter once more before they opened.

“Momma,” I spoke to her, hoping she’d know that I was standing next to her. “I’m here.” My voice shook with nerves.

Her eyes connected with mine, and I couldn’t believe it. It was like she could see me.

Wait…

Could she see me?

“Momma,” I said, moving in a little closer to her. “Can you see me?”

Her eyes filled with tears as she shook her head yes. It was like some kind of miracle. It had been years since she could see anything at all, and the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was me.

Me.

My heart skipped a beat in my chest. Talk about sending a grown ass man to his knees. I buried my head in the crook of her arm and cried. I couldn’t hold back anymore.

I only wanted her to know that I was there. I never expected her to see me. She was blind. How was it even possible?

I lifted my head up slowly and wiped my face on the sleeve of my fancy shirt. She was looking over at Pa, and Pa was crying too. Both of us were puddles of mush. She was the center of our world, the glue that held this family together. We were going to be lost with out her. God, to even think about it crushed my soul.

Leaning in close, I kissed her cheek. “I love you.” I said quickly before fate had a chance to swoop in and take it all away. She said it back. She told me she loved me, and in the middle of the heartbreak and chaos, I found a little peace.

Peeking around the back of my Pa, I motioned for Paislee to come over. I wanted her to meet my Momma before her time on earth was gone.

She hesitated but I nodded my head letting her know that it was okay.

“She should be with family,” Paislee whispered to me as she tiptoed over and stood next to me.

“You are family.” I told her. I wiped a stray tear away from her cheek. It was bold of me to say, seeing as the two of us had barely dated, but I couldn’t help the way I felt about her. Time was a precious thing, and I wouldn’t waste a second of it. Not when it came to her.

I moved Paislee up closer to the head of the bed, and positioned myself behind her. My hand snaked around her waste and held her tightly. “Momma,” I said getting her attention. When her eyes roamed in our direction I said, “This is Paislee.”

I’d never forget that moment in my entire lifetime. I’d never forget the way my Momma’s eyes lit up when she seen my girl. She actually saw her. Even as she lay on her deathbed, she was the most loving and caring woman in the world. I think she wanted what every mother wanted, to know that I was happy.

Wrapping my arm around Paislee’s neck, I moved around so that I could stand next to her. I noticed that her forehead crinkled and the tears fell hard. Momma had stretched her weak arms out. She wanted a hug, and Paislee didn’t hesitate for a second to give her one. Momma whispered something to her as they held on to each other, and I was fighting so hard not to cry again. I couldn’t believe this was happening. She’d never go home again.

Paislee wrapped her arms around my waist and we stood there watching my momma tell my Pa how much she loved him. They may not have gotten a hundred years together but they had a happy life. I had enough memories of my own that I’d be sure to tell Pa all about her in the moments when he’d forget. I’d see to it that he knew just how much she loved him, even in her last breaths.

“I’m tired,” she said and my heart somehow knew that if she fell asleep, I’d never see her eyes again. Ironic that the last time she opened her eyes she could see, and soon, she’d never open them again. Maybe it was more cruel than ironic. Either way, I didn’t want her to go to sleep. The selfish part of me wanted to keep her alive as long as I possibly could.

I kissed her cheek again and told her over and over how much I loved her, and that I was happy. I promised to take care of Pa, and made sure she knew that she didn’t have to fight another moment. Her breathing became more erratic as the minutes passed. She was fighting, and it was killing her. Literally. Rubbing her head gently I told her she could be at peace. She could rest. No matter how bad I wanted her too fight; I could no longer be selfish. Watching her take those pain-stricken breaths was too much.

“You don’t have to fight anymore Momma. I love you. We’ll be okay.” I whispered. A single tear slid down my cheek and I swallowed back the constricting pains that lingered in my throat.

She closed her eyes for the last time at around four fifteen a.m.

She never woke back up again.

At six o’ six a.m. she took her last breath.

My Momma was gone.