Chapter Twenty-Two
Harry
On Monday night I’m at Dad’s, initiating him into The Plains of Exitium. Into the world of RPG, period. Any other time this would be cool, as I’ve always wanted him to show an interest, but ever since Alice stalked out of Blitz I haven’t been able to concentrate on any bloody thing. But I couldn’t turn Dad down when he asked me to come around tonight.
Mac strolls into the living room and curls up on her favorite chair, cups her chin on her hand, and watches the game with a brooding expression on her face. What’s eating her? She’s back to university tomorrow, and another round of endless partying.
“Huh.” Dad drops the console onto the couch between us, pushes his glasses on top of his head, and grins at me. “That’s quite some world you’ve created there. I can see where the addiction lies.”
“Thanks.” I’m not used to such praise from Dad and am not sure how to handle it.
“Right then.” He stands up. “I’ll put the coffee on. Mackenzie, do you want a peppermint tea?”
“Yes, please.” She gives him a tired smile that he doesn’t appear to notice. As soon as he’s left the room, I frown at her.
“Are you okay?”
“Sure.” She flashes me her usual smile, and I slouch back on the couch. Guess I was projecting my own black mood onto her. “What about you?”
“I’m great.” Even I can hear the sarcasm in my voice, but there’s nothing I can do about that now.
“Really?” Skepticism drips from the word. “I heard you and Alice had a huge fight on Friday.”
I should’ve known Mac would get to hear about that. She’s good friends with several of the guys at Blitz. “I need to upgrade the confidentiality agreements. Bloody place leaks like a sieve.”
“Don’t be such a twat. That’s bollocks and you know it.”
It is, and I do, and I don’t appreciate my sister pointing it out to me. Seems I can’t even think straight lately.
“Alice and I are finished.” Even though I’ve been telling myself that all weekend, it’s the first time I’ve said it out loud and it damn well chokes me. How could she just walk out like that?
“But you were so cute together.”
“Give me a fucking break.”
“But what happened? Everyone could see how right you were for each other on Thursday night. Even Dad said afterward how nice Alice is.”
For a second that floors me, especially since Dad hasn’t said anything to me about Alice. “Doesn’t matter. She’s the one who ended it, not me.”
Mac’s brow crinkles as though she doesn’t believe me. “Why would she do that? What did you say to her?”
Yeah great, blame it on me. “Nothing. Why the hell would I care if she and Lucas exchange phone numbers?” Shit. I didn’t mean to say that. I don’t want anyone knowing about that. And this is why it’s so much easier living in an online world. There’s a delete button for when you fuck up.
“I don’t know. Why would you care that Lucas is getting her mum a couple of tickets for Duke’s Christmas concert?”
Her comment clangs inside my brain, and acid burns my gut. “What?”
“Yes, Mr. Clueless Brainbox, that’s the reason he took her number. So he can let her know when he’s managed to score the tickets. You didn’t really think he was trying anything on with her, did you?”
Heat sears me.
“No.” Not deep down. I wouldn’t believe that of either of them, but what the fuck was I supposed to think?
“Really? So, if you didn’t accuse her of anything, then why did she break up with you?”
“I don’t know.” I grind the words between my teeth. “I just asked her where she’d been that morning. She never takes time off work. It’s like she was trying to avoid me after she met everyone the night before—” I don’t get the chance to finish my rambling, as Mac sucks in a dramatic breath.
“You actually insinuated that she’d spent the night with Lucas? I would’ve thrown your bloody laptop at your head if I was her.”
“I didn’t say that.” I glower at Mac, who glares right back. “Stop twisting my words.”
“All right. So you asked her in a nice, civilized manner why she hadn’t turned up to work on her very last morning? Lucas’s name wasn’t mentioned at all?”
“No.” Uncertainty rocks me. “I can’t remember. But she wanted to end things the night before in the car, on the way home. On Friday, I just wanted to sort shit out with her.”
Mac narrows her eyes. “When you left here on Thursday you looked mean as hell. I thought it was because of Archimedes but it wasn’t, was it? You were having a tantrum because Alice said two words to Lucas.”
I don’t even know where to start with her statement. “A tantrum?” I can barely articulate the word I’m so pissed with her. “Just so you know, I don’t care if she and Lucas speak to each other.”
“So why did we have to keep it a big secret from him that you were dating her?”
I want to refute her accusation but can’t. Because I didn’t tell Lucas, and by silent agreement neither did Mac. And the reason is a bloody great elephant standing in the room between us. “It doesn’t fucking matter.”
“You think? Look, I know how badly Clare hurt you. But you have to let it go. Not every girl is like her.”
“Give it a rest, Mac.” I know Alice is nothing like Clare. So why did I instantly think there was something underhand going on when Alice and Lucas exchanged numbers?
Why didn’t I ask her in the car what was going on instead of, well shit, instead of having a fucking tantrum?
Why did I push Alice away?
…
Alice
It takes all day to reach the historic city of Durham. Mum and I shared the driving, but instead of it being a journey filled with anticipation and excitement, my head throbs and eyes ache.
I’ll never admit it, especially after our talk the other morning, but maybe Mum had a point when she kept telling me there was plenty of time for guys once I got my degree.
If I’d stayed away from Harry, at least I wouldn’t feel like death warmed up right now. Except there’ll always be a part of me that won’t regret our month together. We did have fun. Even if it all went to hell at the end.
The magnificent medieval cathedral—built in the late eleventh century to house the bodies of St. Cuthbert and the Venerable Bede—and Durham Castle, constructed under the orders of William the Conqueror and now part of the university, are silhouetted above the city. Any other time I’d be awestruck by their imposing beauty, but all they do now is remind me of my insignificance in the great scheme of things.
Give it a rest, Alice. If I don’t at least pretend to cheer up, Mum’ll probably insist on staying the night with me. Not a great look for the first day of the rest of my life.
My room in the student accommodation is just a few minutes’ walk from the Castle, and Mum helps unload all my things from the car. Buried under my bedding is a box with the individual gifts some of the guys gave me from work, which Di and Meg smuggled into my car yesterday while I was having my grand finale with Harry.
Right in the center of the gifts is the shoebox-sized one from Harry that I haven’t yet opened. That I have no intention of opening and definitely didn’t pack to bring with me.
“I squeezed it in,” Mum says, unnecessarily. “You might change your mind in a few days.”
I won’t, but decide it’s not worth making a big deal out of it, so push it under my bed and set up my new laptop on the desk in the small study area.
With my duvet on the bed, books on the bookshelf, and photos scattered about—none of Harry, though—the room starts to feel a bit more personal. Mum heaves a sigh and gives me a hug. “Are you sure you don’t want to come out and eat with us tonight?”
Brian took the train up from Kent and should arrive at the local station in about twenty minutes, and he and Mum are staying the night in a local hotel. Now I’m over the shock, they are kind of adorable together. Strange how things turn out.
“No, I’m fine. I’ll meet you both for an early lunch tomorrow like we planned.” But for now, I’m going to check out the student dining hall.
…
Freshers week is a whirl of white T-shirt parties, pub crawls, and cocktail parties—actually any excuse for a party. A month ago, I would’ve hung out at a couple of them, just for the hell of it. It’s not like I’d spend the whole year doing it, but when the music’s loud, the drink is flowing, and everyone’s on an adrenaline high, it’s too hard to fake it when my heart’s breaking.
Luckily, I’ve met a few other Freshers who’d rather watch a movie than hit a local nightclub, and yesterday we discovered a gorgeous teashop down a quiet alley near the marketplace. I couldn’t help thinking, Do you sell coffee? Not that it matters. I’ll never come here with Harry.
After breakfast on Tuesday I’m in my room, studying a campus map in the hope I don’t get horribly lost when classes start, but my mind keeps wandering. Today is when Harry and Caleb have their golfing social with Oscar Jarrod.
Not thinking about it. I concentrate on the map. Oscar was due to arrive in England yesterday morning, so it’s possible the three of them have already met, even though the first official meet is today.
I’m not supposed to be thinking about it.
My stomach churns. Even though a part of me hates Harry, I hope he pulls this deal off. There’s no reason why he won’t. Oscar Jarrod was practically drooling with all the publicity Harry and I unintentionally garnered for Blitz, and in his world PR rules.
In Oscar Jarrod’s world. Not Harry’s. He never wanted our kiss or our day at Shore Park made public, and a sliver of guilt eats through me as I remember the thinly veiled accusation I threw at him.
He deserved it. Too right, he did, after the way he dumped me.
Silence echoes through my mind, and doubt invades.
What am I thinking? He did dump me, and in a really horrible way, too.
Did he, though?
Eerie shivers race over my arms. Okay, so he didn’t say we’re finished in so many words, but that’s what he meant when I suggested we keep in touch.
Wasn’t it?
I twist around on my chair and focus on the present he got me, which is still under the bed.
If, in his head, he’d already ended things with me, why was he so shocked that I walked out on him at Blitz? It doesn’t make any sense.
You’re the one walking out.
And he wasn’t talking about me leaving to go to university.
I always knew this had an expiry date.
The disbelief on his face slams into my mind, and I wind my arms around my waist and rock on the chair. Oh, fuck. I might’ve always assumed that, but did he?
Even Mum said she hoped I didn’t break up with him just because I was going to university. It didn’t strike me at the time, not with all the stuff she told me about my dad, but the truth is—I always assumed we’d break up before I left home. It was just one of those things in my head that I didn’t question because…well, because I never thought this thing between us could be anything more than a brief fling.
I slide onto the floor on my knees and pull his gift-wrapped present from under the bed. There’s no card, just “To Alice” scrawled on the wrapping paper, but I’d know Harry’s handwriting anywhere.
I rip off the paper and let out a low gasp. The box displays a picture of a bone china one-cup teapot, patterned with cute kittens. There’s a matching gift card, and with shaky fingers I open it.
To Beauty, from your Geek
A hoarse laugh flays my throat as a warm, melty sensation pools in the pit of my stomach. I’m not convinced this was Steele’s interpretation when they splashed our kiss across the internet, but it doesn’t matter, because it’s Harry’s.
My brief burst of joy fades as our parting words drill through my head. I told Mum there was no going back, and I have the awful feeling that’s true. I blink the blur from my eyes and read the rest of his message.
Think of me when you drink your tea! Missing you already. See you in a couple of weeks. H XX
The words burn into my retinas. See you in a couple of weeks.
He didn’t want to break up with me. He wanted—expected—us to keep seeing each other. It was me jumping to all the wrong conclusions that split us up.
I let out a strangled groan and bury my face in my hands. What’s the matter with me? Harry never gave any indication that we had an expiry date.
“Fuck, shit, bugger.” I grip my hair, but it doesn’t help. For years at high school, I shared classes with girls who were superficially nice to me, but there was always the underlying current of you’re not in the same league as us. Not wealthy enough. Not pretty enough. Just not quite good enough.
Even my own dad didn’t think I was worth enough to keep in contact with.
Harry’s nothing like my dad.
He’s not a snob like the girls at school, and he doesn’t care that I don’t look like a supermodel.
So why was he such a bastard in the car that night? I trawl through my brain, trying to piece things together, but something’s flickering just out of reach.
I could cut my losses. Never speak to him again and get on with my life. Or I could use his gift as an excuse to get in touch, and see where that leads, because the more I think about that conversation in the car, the less I understand what triggered it all off.
I grab my phone. But I can’t contact him yet, not right before he’s about to meet his idol and the man who holds Harry’s dreams in the palm of his hand.
I’ll leave a message this afternoon, asking if we can talk.
Please say we can talk.
…
Harry
In twenty minutes, Caleb and I are leaving work to meet Oscar Jarrod. I’ve admired him for half my life, and this is the pinnacle of my career.
So why don’t I fucking care?
Slouched back in my chair, I glower at my screen, where lines of code beckon me. They’ve never failed to entice me before, but for the last few days, work can’t hold my attention.
My head’s filled with Alice. It’s like she’s a virus that’s invaded my blood and infected my brain. And I’ve no idea of the cure.
I can’t get Mackenzie’s accusation out of my mind, either.
You were having a tantrum because Alice said two words to Lucas.
I don’t like to admit it, but she’s right. I couldn’t see past the way Clare fucked with me. And it’s driving me nuts because Alice is nothing like Clare, and if I’d stopped to think about it for more than two seconds, I would’ve realized I was acting like a fucking turd.
Yeah, I was a prat to Alice. But there’s something else gnawing in the back of my mind about that conversation we had in the car. It’s like she’d already decided our relationship was over.
I was never good enough for you.
What did she mean by that? I didn’t understand her comment then, and I still don’t. Did someone say something to her at my dad’s, and she misunderstood what they meant?
It doesn’t sound likely, but I’m out of ideas. Maybe Lucas has a clue. I snatch up my phone and call him before I’ve even finished the thought.
“Uh.” He sounds like I woke him up.
“Did anyone upset Alice on Thursday night?”
“Uh?”
I repeat myself, already regretting my hasty decision to call my brother, as my question sounds ludicrous now it’s outside the confines of my brain.
“Not that I’m aware of.” He sounds guarded. “What d’you mean?”
“Nothing.” I pause. Might as well tell him the rest. “I’m not sure if someone told her she wasn’t good enough.”
“You seriously think I’d say something like that to her?” Disbelief thuds through every word, and I can’t believe he assumes I’m accusing him. “Fuck you, Harry. If anything, she’s too bloody good for you.”
“I know that.” I grind the words between my teeth. “It never occurred to me that you’d be rude to her.” Get real, Harry. No one at my dad’s house that night would’ve said anything like that to her.
“Why don’t you ask her, instead of flinging out accusations?”
Lucas is so easy going and never gets riled, but he sure as shit sounds pissed now.
I exhale a long breath. “She left me.”
“She didn’t make a pass at me.” He sounds defensive. Christ, what’s happened to us?
“I didn’t say she had.”
“Okay. Just so you know. And I’m sorry she left you, man. That sucks.”
Through habit, my gaze slides to Alice’s old office, where I used to be able to catch glimpses of her. Charlie’s there now. Things will never be the same.
“Listen.” I grip my phone tighter and nearly bail, but it’s long overdue. “You know I never blamed you with what happened with Clare, don’t you?”
“Yeah, sure.” He sounds as enthused about this conversation as I do.
“I got over her a long time ago. You need to know that.”
“All right.”
I don’t feel better for having told him, because it doesn’t help my current problem with Alice, but at least now it’s done and we can move on. Have we really been stuck in the same place for more than six years?
There’s no need to say anything else. Lucas can’t help me, but somehow I can’t stop myself. “I really fucked it up with Alice.”
“What did you do?”
Shit, I can’t tell him the truth. Some things are definitely better left unsaid. “I don’t know.”
“Huh.” My brother sounds as though that doesn’t surprise him. “She couldn’t keep her eyes off you that night.”
I hadn’t noticed that. But I sure as hell noticed the brief interaction between her and my brother and managed to fuck things right up the fucking creek.
Caleb strolls into my office and makes a slashing gesture across his throat. “I’ll catch up with you later,” I tell Lucas. “Gotta meet with Jarrod Holdings now.”
“Good luck. Hope it all works out. With Alice, too.”
I shut down my work before joining Caleb at the door.
“I’m shitting bricks,” he announces. “And did I mention I can’t play golf?”
We make our way downstairs, and the guys throw encouragement and insults as we leave the building.
“This is worse than when we had the interview at the bank to get our business loan,” Caleb says. “Today could be the most important day of our lives.”
I grunt, since I know he’s right, but part of me is still chewing over the whole fiasco with Alice.
“Your car or mine?” Caleb says before answering himself. “Yours. Mine’s a tip. And what’s wrong with you? You’ve not said a word all day.”
“Nothing’s wrong with me.” I pull the keys from my pocket.
“Look. I don’t know what you did to stuff things up with Alice, but there’s gotta be a way to fix it. Mac might be able to give you some pointers.”
I grunt, and he can take that any way he likes. No way am I telling Caleb that Mac’s already read me the riot act. Not least because he’d probably agree with every word she said. I was a fuckwit to even imagine Alice might have a thing for Lucas, and the truly stupid thing is that deep down I never meant it.
We get in the car and I jam my key in the ignition. But suppose Alice thought I did?
“Okay. As long as you make things right with Alice. Ah, shit.” He glances at me. “Let’s hope Oscar doesn’t want any photo ops with you and her. You know how much he loved that Beauty and the Geek PR.”
I round on him. “None of that was for Oscar Jarrod’s benefit.”
Caleb raises his eyebrows. “I know that. I’m just saying.”
I grip the steering wheel but still don’t turn on the engine. “She hated all that shit.”
She didn’t really think I was happy that our personal lives had been splashed across Steele, did she?
Nothing’s more important than your work, but I always knew that.
My work’s always been my number one priority, but I’d never use Alice in the way she implied.
“Bollocks.” I press my forehead against the steering wheel and grit my teeth. I might’ve learned to use my words while dating Alice. Obviously, I’ve a long way to go before I know which fucking words should never leave the cesspit of my brain.
“Whatever.” Caleb taps his wrist. “We need to go, Harry.”
I relax my grip and look at him. “I have to see Alice.”
“I know. But right now, we have to go see Oscar Jarrod.”
“No. I need to see her today and sort this shit out.” I start the ignition while Caleb gapes at me.
“You can’t bail on Jarrod Holdings.”
“You’ll be there. And I’ll be back for the meeting at Blitz tomorrow.”
“No, but seriously—”
“Seriously, you need to get out of the car, Caleb.”
He swings open the door. “I don’t fucking believe this.”
“Kill me tomorrow.” If Alice doesn’t first.
…
Without any pit stops, it takes five hours before I arrive at Durham. I park as close to the Castle as possible before pulling my phone from my pocket to call Alice. I switched it off during the journey and mentally brace myself in case there’s a stream of vitriol from Caleb at losing Oscar Jarrod.
There’s only one message. From Alice. For a few seconds, I can’t even open it. What if this is her final go fuck yourself, Harry?
I flex my fingers. I can’t sit here all afternoon like a prat, although what are the chances she’d message me right now, when I’m five minutes away? Doesn’t matter what she says. I’m not leaving until I’ve seen her.
Hope everything went well with Oscar. When you’re free, can we talk?
I exhale a harsh breath. At least she doesn’t sound mad with me, and I shoot off a reply.
Meet me at the Castle entrance in five.