When the last note is played, the lights go down, and I climb out from the cage and join the rest of the band on stage. One of the roadies lights the path for us, and we are joined by our security team escorting us back behind the stage to one of the dressing rooms. Once again, I’m sweating bullets, only this time, there is no smell of whiskey pouring from my skin, just the stench of my own body odor, confirming once again that I gave the performance I was expected to give.

The first thing I do when I’m back at the hotel is to grab one of the bottles of McCallan and pour myself a tumbler full to the top. I tip the glass and swallow the liquid in one big gulp. The next thing I do is strip out of my sweat-soaked clothing and shower. This is the time when I need to be winding down for the night, but the thought of being confined to a hotel room sounds like prison to me. In my state of mind, I don’t want to be alone. There’s a knock at my door, and I know it’s Rusty. I open the door and find him standing there with his hands in the front pockets of his jeans.

“Want to hang out for a bit.” It’s not a question but more of a statement, letting me know that I don’t get the option of being alone.

“Yeah, come in.”

Rusty immediately spies the bottle sitting on the table and turns to me. “You self-medicating again?”

The question has a double meaning, and I understand what he is asking. He wants confirmation that booze is the only thing I’ve had and that I’m not slipping back into an old pattern. I reassure him that whiskey has been my drug of choice tonight and that he has nothing to worry about. Only I’m not telling him the whole truth. He should worry, but not about my addiction to drugs. After four weeks of spending ninety percent of my time waking up with his sister, I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to go without hearing from her. I so badly want to call her, but she made it clear that things were moving too fast for her and we have only been a tour break romance. Just saying it to myself in my head has me frustrated once again.

“Hang if you want, Rusty. I’m going downstairs to the bar.”

I don’t wait for a response from him. I just open the door to my suite and head toward the elevators. Once in the lobby, I see there are several bars to choose from. The last thing I want is to deal with the attention I’ll find in a crowded bar. Lucky enough, there is a cigar bar toward the back of the lobby. It's dark and quiet, so I check the door. The stench of smoke fills the room the moment I walk in. The walls are all done in mahogany wood and maroon leather. A few patrons sit at a table drinking and smoking. They look like businessmen winding down after a big business deal, and they all glance my way as I walk by. I’m sure they are wondering who I am, dressed in ratty jeans and a T-shirt. I sure as fuck don’t fit in with the environment around me. I take a table in the back, and a stunningly leggy blonde walks up.

“What can I get for you, sir?”

I grab the laminated card on the table which lists all the types of cigars they have and the lists of beverages. I glance up to catch that her name tag spells Lisa. “I’ll have a Cuban and a Covoseie, Lisa, and anything else you’d like to offer me.” Yeah, I’m flirting with her, and she picks up on it. Lisa flashes me a shy smile before she walks away. Moments later, she returns with a tumbler of liquid and my cigar.

I sit for hours drinking down one glass after the other. The more I drink, the more I think of Kathy, and the more I think of her, the angrier I get. By closing time, I have decided that I’m going to screw Kathy out of my memory bank, and Lisa doesn’t know it yet, but she will be just the person I need to fulfill my plan.

As Lisa and I exit the bar, I fling my arm around her shoulder and whisper in her ear, “My room?” She replies with a simple nod of her head. The lobby is sparse with people checking in this hour of the night as we pass through. As we approach a pillar by the elevators, I stop and press Lisa’s body up against it and kiss her roughly. My hands pull at her hair as my teeth bite her bottom lip, drawing a small amount of blood. The iron taste only heightens my desire for her more. The ding of the elevator sounds its arrival, breaking our kiss. The elevator is empty when it arrives, and when I press the number for the thirty-second floor, the doors close, allowing us the privacy we need. I have Lisa up against the wall, my hands sliding the hem of her skirt up around her waist. She’s wearing a tiny black G-string that I rip from her body as I plunder her mouth. Her moans of excitement only drive my desire higher and higher.

“I dare you to fuck me right now, Rocky,” she baits me. Only the joke is on her if she thinks I won’t follow through. Reaching into my pocket, I pull out a condom, then sheathe myself and drive into her soaking pussy. The dinging of the floors sets the pace for each of my thrusts. When we hit the thirty-second floor, I’m ready to fill her with my load. I don’t care if she is ready or not. This is all about me tonight and what I can take from her to erase my thoughts of Kathy. The doors slide open, exposing us to the single passenger that awaits the arrival of the elevator. Rusty.

“What the fuck are you doing, Rocky?” His roaring voice sucks me back into reality and stuns my willing partner.

Without hesitation, Lisa steps to the back of the elevator, straightening her skirt. A look of embarrassment crosses her face as she examines the disgusted look on Rusty’s face. I quickly tuck myself back into my pants and look at Rusty standing with his hands against the open doors, keeping them from closing.

“Do you want to explain this?” Rusty questions me, a vile look of anger and disgust on his face as I push past him, leaving Lisa behind in the elevator. “This is how you treat my sister?”

When I don’t answer him, I feel his hand grab my arm in an attempt to swing me around to face him. Rusty doesn’t expect the right hook that follows as I turn. “Don’t fucking touch me,” I exclaim. “I’m not the one who ended us. She was. So, I’ll fuck whoever I want when I want.”

Rusty lowers himself, then charges into me, pushing me up against the wall, his hand wrapping around my throat. “You’re a cocksucker, you know that? You’re a lousy, cheating drunk.” His voice carries through the hallway. “You beg me to forgive you for sleeping with my sister, pledge your undying love for her to me, and then, seventy-two hours later, I find you with your dick in some skank in an elevator in the hotel. If this is how you love my sister, I’m glad she cut her losses when she did.”

I’m not sure who I am madder at, Rusty for calling me on my shit or me for letting myself stoop so low. Rusty pushes off the wall, releasing his hand from my throat and allowing air to once again fill my lungs. “Stay the fuck away from my sister, do you understand me?”

I don’t answer Rusty. Instead, I drop to the floor and lay my head on my knees. When I don’t respond, Rusty turns and walks away, leaving me alone on the floor of the hallway to wallow in my despair. It takes me several minutes to get my wits about me, and when I do, I stumble my way back to my room to pass out.

* * *

I wake to the sound of my phone beeping, letting me know I have an incoming text. I just lie there staring at the ceiling as it beeps again, reminding me that someone is trying to reach me. I replay the previous night in my head, all the way to the point when I stupidly thought I could fuck Kathy out of my mind. Bile rises in my throat at the thought. I know two things have to happen today. One, I need to set shit right with Rusty and hope to God he hasn’t already quit. And two, I have to get my shit under control.

When I reach for my phone, my plan goes to shit. There, sitting on the screen of my phone, is a text from the one person I’ve been dying to hear from.

BRIGHT EYES: Hi! I just wanted to say hi and see how it’s going.

I am so ashamed of my behavior that I can’t even bring myself to type out a reply. I hate myself and everything about what I have done. I need an escape from my miserable life, and I know the one person who can help me out. Austin, our sound board engineer. He was my go-to guy in the past and always has a hookup if I need it, and today is one of those days. Within twenty minutes of dialing his number, Austin is at my door with a little package of just what I need. No, it isn’t the white stuff. I need something stronger. I need heroin. And like old times, Austin is there to help.

Austin

It’s afternoon when I get a call I haven’t been expecting. It has been a while since Rocky needed anything from me, but tonight, he needs a fix, and I have just what he needs. He’s drunk, and I know he’s trying to do right by himself, but once a junkie, always a junkie, and though he tried to stay away, I knew it’d only be a matter of time before he’d come crawling back. For years, I took care of him while we were on the road. I don’t do drugs, never have and never will, but I keep a stash on hand for the roadies and for Rocky, and if I don’t have it on hand, I know where to find it quickly, even in another country.

One thing about junkies is they’ll pay whatever price you want to charge them, and Rocky is my golden ticket to early retirement. Over the years, I’ve supplied him with whatever he wanted. At first, it was weed or cocaine, but as the band became more popular, heroin became his drug of choice. So, when he calls, I’m ready, and he is willing to pay a premium. Some may think I’m an enabler, a real a son of a bitch for taking advantage of a desperate man, but I don’t care what people think. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m getting my piece of the bone. When I arrive at Rocky’s suite, he is clearly wasted. Empty bottles of beer and alcohol are scattered everywhere. The right thing to do would be to walk away, but when have I ever done the right thing?

“Two grand.” That’s the cost I tell him as I place a tiny rock, spoon, and syringe on the table. I watch as he counts out twenty bills. Nice crisp Benjamins land in my itchy palm, which is my cue to leave. The door closes quickly behind me. I’m not expecting to run into any of the other guys, but I still make a mad rush for the elevator, making myself scarce before anyone catches me.