Two a.m., and sleep evades me. I lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling, replaying my conversation in my head I just had with Kathy. I still can’t believe I shared things with her that even my band brothers don’t know. Shit just spilled out of my mouth so easily, and she wasn’t judgmental about it. She listened to everything without interrupting me, and not once did I hear anything but sincerity in her answers. For the first time in a really long time, I feel complete. I don’t have the urge to twist the lid off the bottle I keep stashed in my drawer. No, instead I just wait for sleep to take me, and eventually it does.

When I wake, I check my phone and find that it’s after one and I’ve got three missed calls from Cayson. I’m sure it isn’t important. Otherwise, he would have called Ellie to wake my ass up. I toss the phone on the bed and stumble my way into the bathroom, where I set the controls on the shower panel. Steam, check. Rain shower head, check. A little music, and I’m ready to go.

When I enter the shower, the steam blasts me in the face. It’s enough to wake my ass up quickly. I kneel on the floor and let the rainfall wash over my body. I can feel my muscles relaxing instantly. I stay like that for what feels like an eternity, just me and the water. No complications to deal with and nothing to stress over. Just the peaceful feeling of the water running over my body until I’m wrinkly as a prune and I know it’s time to get out.

The moment I exit the shower, I hear my phone ringing. Reality slaps me in the face immediately. I know it’s Cayson. I’ll stake my life on it. I’m sure I’ve forgotten to do something and he’s calling to remind me, but what I really want is just one day. One day away from responsibility. One day to myself, where no one needs me or expects anything from me. Just a single moment in time where I can be me, Roger Kohler, the human being, not Rocky Kohler, the drummer for Razor’s Edge.

Wrapping a towel around my waist, I head back into my bedroom. Back to the incessant ringing of my phone and back to reality. Sure enough, it’s Cayson. I place my finger on the little green dot, and before I can even speak, I hear Cayson’s voice.

“Dude, I’ve been calling all morning. Where the fuck are you? We had practice at noon today.”

Fuck, I totally forgot about practice, and for the first time, it wasn’t because I was drunk or hungover. No, it was because I actually had a peaceful night’s sleep. No bad dreams to deal with, no tossing and turning. I slept like the dead, and I know it’s all because of Kathy.

“CJ, Christ, shut the fuck up for a minute, will you? I’m sorry, dude. I overslept, and before you say another word, no, I wasn’t drunk or passed out. I actually slept, man. For the first time in a long time, I just slept.”

I’m expecting a sarcastic comment, but it never comes. I hear nothing but silence. “What, no smart-ass comment from the great Cayson Razor?”

It takes a few moments before I hear Cayson respond. “No, man, nothing on my end. I’m just shocked and happy at the same time for you.”

I tell him about my evening after the barbeque. About Kathy and our conversation that lasted until two a.m. but I leave out the parts of information that I shared with her that even he doesn’t know. The parts where there are days when I just want to run away from it all. He’d never understand that part of me. He lives and breathes the music and the band, so he’d never understand that some days, I just want to be me. I don’t want to live up to the expectations of our fans or the label. I just want to sit and bang on my drums until my arms give out and my hands cramp from holding the sticks, and it doesn’t matter if I’m off beat or off tempo.

I’m expected to be perfect every time I sit behind my skins. I can hear Cayson in my head every day. You’re the backbone of this band, man. Without you, we’ve got nothing but a voice and some strings. You’re it, man. You set the stage, the tempo, and the dynamics. You’re why we’re as good as we are. I don’t think he understands the pressure that puts on me, and I’ll never admit it to him.

“Look, I’m sorry I fucked up practice for all of you. It won’t happen again, I promise,” I tell him with sincerity in my voice because I am sincere; I didn’t intend on letting them down.

“That wasn’t the only reason I called you, man. I wanted to also let you know that I spoke with Sean this morning and everything with Rusty is a go. He’ll stop by Sean’s office this afternoon to sign an NDA and all the necessary paperwork. Sean will handle everything, but it’s off the books. This is between the three of us. The label doesn’t need to know. You still good with that?” There was a probing tone in Cayson’s voice.

“Yeah, I’m still good with that. Why wouldn’t I be?” I reply with an accusatory tone.

“Uhmmmm, well, his sister. It sounds like you have some interest in Kathy, and dude, that’s his sister. Are you sure this is a path you want to go down? You have to trust him implicitly. Are you sure he’s going to have your best interests at heart if you’re banging his sister?”

That was a question that I honestly hadn’t thought that deep into. I wasn’t planning on telling Rusty about Kathy and me, but if he finds out, will he still have my best interests in mind? Am I willing to risk it? The answer is simple. FUCK YES, I am willing.

“Alright, can’t we just let it go for now, asshole? Rusty doesn’t need to know anything about Kathy and me. For your information, just so we are clear, I am not banging Kathy.” I tell Cayson with a bit of sarcasm in my voice that I’m sure he heard clearly through the line.

“Not yet,” Cayson replies and then immediately disconnects himself from the conversation.

Fuck him, I think to myself but then think again. If this does go somewhere with Kathy, we’ll have to agree to keep it between the two of us.