Chapter 5
Jess
What is wrong with me?
I never thought that I would ever think this, but right now I feel that our house is just too loud for me. Too many people, too many questions, too many probing eyes. I just needed a minute, and now I’ve been hiding in my room for well over an hour. Away from the people who care about me. Away from the people that love me. I just needed to be away from them all. It’s not their fault that I’m a mess. They’re just being how they've always been. Loving and protective.
It's suffocating me.
All their eagerness to know how school was going, how well I was doing. All of it was gripping my windpipes in a way that I could hardly take my next breath. I couldn’t look another person in the eye and give non-committal answers. I couldn’t hide my reluctance answering their curiosity. I couldn’t do it. So, here I am. Hiding.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve never been this person. I’ve never kept quiet about anything in my life. Yet, I can’t find the words to tell my family that I’m struggling. With everything. With my classes, with my workload, with my part-time job. Everything. I just haven’t found that equilibrium yet. That much-needed balance for it all to fit. But most of all I’m struggling with being away from home. Struggling with being far from the very people I’m hiding away from now. How can I tell them that? I can’t. I’m Jess, the one person in this family that they don’t have to worry about. The one person who has known her mind so well and from such a tender age, that telling them now that I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am will shock the bejesus out of them. They’ll worry. They’ll rally, and that will just increase my guilt in not coping the way they expect me to.
“Jess, you in there?” My bedroom door opens, and one of my best friends in the entire world comes in and lunges herself onto my bed. The very bed that I was lying on looking at the ceiling, trying to catch a breather.
“Your sister Catherine told me she saw you come up here. Is it just me or has she put on some weight since I saw her last?” Ronnie asks with a teasing smile while getting comfortable at my side.
“She’s not getting fat, you jerk. She’s pregnant.”
“Again?? That’s like what? Her fourth now?”
“Yep. That’s what we Silva’s do best. We breed,” I breathe out and turn to my side to face her while hugging my pillow.
“So, what’s this all about? Not in the mood for a party?” Ronnie asks, but she knows all too well what my answer will be, so I just shrug.
Aside from Cass, Ronnie is probably the one person I can confide in without much probing. Even though she’s attending school in Virginia while I’m in New York, there wasn’t a day that went by that we didn’t talk to each other. She knew all too well how Columbia wasn’t agreeing with me. A fact only she knew and that I tried my best to keep from Cass. Cass had too much fucked up drama this past year of her own, and for me to pile on her, my own frustrations would be just selfish. She didn’t need that from me, and if there was one person that I didn’t shy away from, it was her. She needed me to be strong, and by God, for her, I would be.
“You’re missing a great one, though. Your brother Mickey was just bullied into singing Little Drummer Boy like he did for the Christmas pageant when we were twelve in front of his new girlfriend. If that doesn’t scare her off, nothing will,” Ronnie laughs out hysterically, and I have to admit that I would have loved to see my older brother make a jackass out himself. Not that there wouldn’t be other opportunities later in the night. This was the first year Mickey brought a girlfriend home for Christmas, so we knew that this relationship must be pretty serious for him. We would bring her into the bosom of our family for that alone, but Mickey would have to suffer our teasing in the process.
“She wasn’t the only new face I saw tonight. I saw Quaid being pretty chummy with your folks, too.”
Crap!
“Dad invited him over yesterday when he dropped me off. I really didn’t think he’d come.” I turn over again and stare into space.
“Well, he did. He came with Decker and seemed to be making himself at home downstairs,” she says, and I don’t have to see it to know that her eyes are twinkling away. I made the mistake in confiding in her once regarding Quaid, and I will regret it for the rest of my life.
“Will you ever forget I told you about that stupid crush in high school? Move on woman; it's not happening. I’m over it. Been over it for quite some time.”
“Not going to happen. I think its fate that you're attending the same college together and I’m pretty sure that if you at least tried to know him and vice versa, you guys would be perfect together.” I roll my eyes. Here we go again. Ronnie and her need to be Cass’s and my fairy godmother. The girl has a definite Cupid complex.
“I was fifteen and stupid okay. Quaid was quiet, and at the time, that intrigued me. Not anymore. Now I know better.”
“He was shy, that’s all.” Ronnie sits back up from the bed and makes her way to my closet door mirror to straighten her gray pencil skirt and black turtleneck sweater. I sit up and lean on my headboard and look over to my best friend, already exhausted with this conversation.
“He’s not shy, Ronnie. He was never shy. He’s guarded, and guarded people usually have things to hide. That’s the definition of shady to me. It’s not my fault that everyone else in this town thinks his shit don’t stink and makes him out to be like the second messiah or some crap like that. The boy is not trustworthy, Ronnie. Haven’t you ever heard the saying if it’s too good to be true then it probably isn’t? Quaid’s perfect persona is just that. An illusion, nothing else.”
“I think you're making him out to be some super villain or something, just so you can discredit any possible lingering feelings that may still be in there,” she says pointing her index finger to my chest.
“These are called boobs Ronnie, and believe me they have no lingering feelings for Quaid Stevens,” I mock back and get off the bed, fixing myself up to face the music downstairs.
“I was talking about your heart, dufus. But boobs will do. Maybe they can give young Quaid a try?” She winks back at me, and I can’t help but laugh.
“You’re ridiculous; you know that? C’mon. Let’s go downstairs and see what Cass is up to.”
I walk to the door followed by a giggling Ronnie behind me, and immediately I am assaulted by the joyful chatter of my family downstairs. As I turn to walk down the stairs, it's hard not to feel humbled that I was born into such a family. Yes, sometimes they are insufferable being in everyone's business and all but it comes from a place of love and I can't help but be thankful that I’m one of them.
Before I even make it to the last step, a boy twice my size prevents me from taking another step. Nicholas Mackenzie’s glazed expression and aggressive demeanor makes me take a step back. Cass’s little brother is far from little anymore. With messy black hair and gray eyes that resemble an early stormy sky, he is a wonder to look at. Aside from him being well over 6 feet to my 5, he would be intimidating alone just with the scowl he’s wearing aimed behind me. Yes, the hatred that surrounds him isn't focused on me but on the girl behind me, and as I look back to Ronnie, I see that she is wearing the same resentful expression splattered all over her face.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Nicky?” I ask giving him a small punch on the shoulder so he can move and let us pass, but he remains statuesque, holding the stair rail tighter with one hand and his other arm spread out onto the wall.
“Did you come alone?” he asks, and I know the question wasn’t aimed at me. His tone is a bit slurry, and as I look closer, the side effects of smoking a joint or two are definitely making themselves known from him.
“What’s it to you?” Ronnie spits back.
“Damn it, Veronica! Did you come alone or not?” he asks again and this time releases the hand that had us barricaded on the stairs to run it through his dark unruly hair.
“No. Decker is here too.” He exhales at her response and lets out a stricken laugh. So cruel, that goosebumps spread all over my arms. A shiver that I can’t hide, but goes unnoticed by both Ronnie and Nicky. I have never seen this boy act in such a way. Yes, Nicky has always been a little dark, maybe even a little angry, but he’s never been cruel.
“Like I give a fuck about Decker.”
“Nicky, what has gotten into you?” I can’t help but ask. This isn’t him. This isn’t the boy I consoled in the hospital while his mom was fighting cancer. Both he and Cass took their mother’s illness hard, but no one doubted that Nicky was the one who was most affected by it. He adored her, and while she was in surgery, he fell apart like a lost child. It was heart-breaking to watch, and looking at him now, the contrast of that sensitive boy breaking apart in fear he may lose the woman who gave birth to him, compared to the angry, spiteful young man that stands in front of me now, with nothing but hatred in his eyes, knocks the wind out of me.
“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong with me, Jess. Isn’t that right, Ronnie?” his tone is as malicious as his fixed expression is directed at my best friend.
“Why are you acting this way? Why are you being so difficult?” My question is followed by silence and an awkward stare challenge between the two people I am in the middle of.
“She knows why,” he grunts, and that’s when I hear Ronnie scoff and cross her arms in front of her, not intimidated in the least.
“You keeping her away or is she running?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. But by the way you’re acting, maybe it’s better that everyone stays clear from each other.”
“You can’t keep her away for long. Sooner or later I will get to the bottom of what’s going on.” Even if it wasn’t already implied, I hear the definite threat alone with just the tone of voice.
“You’re delusional.” Nicky just shrugs the insult off and finally backs down. As he turns to go to the porch to meet up with my cousins, Ronnie stomps her foot down to get his attention. With all the noise and commotion, it's a wonder that he even heard it.
“Stay clear of her, Nicky. She doesn’t need your shit right now.” His glassy stare bypasses me altogether, and he shakes his head from side to side with a smirk plastered on his face.
“Who’s delusional now, huh?” And with that same arrogant grin, he leaves us alone. I turn to Ronnie with an expression on my face that can only be described as my ‘What the hell face,' but Ronnie just brushes it off.
“Don’t even ask,” she says, and even though not one second ago she was all fearless and lioness, now she looks just as defeated.
“Really? You think it’s going to be easy to forget that little Nicky Mackenzie seemed to want to crucify you to my living room wall? That was some heated resentment I felt there! What gives?” Ronnie just shrugs, and I can see her eyes already wandering the room looking for Decker.
“Hello?? Ronnie, are we not going to talk about what just happened?” She smiles at me and brings me in for an awkward side hug.
“Nope. It’s a party, so we’re here to have fun, not talk about Cass’s younger brother bringing attitude. Let’s get something to eat, drink some punch and find Cass and Decker.”
Even though I don’t want to drop it, I’m not going to badger her into telling me something that she doesn’t want to tell. When she’s ready, she’ll come to me. At least that’s what I try to say to convince myself. So I do as she asks and start to search the living room floor for either Decker or Cass, but what I find makes me just as mad as Nicky seemed to be.
“You have got to be kidding! Oh hell no!” I’m so annoyed that I actually feel my blood bubbling through my veins.
“What?” Ronnie asks looking over her shoulder trying to glimpse at what’s got me upset in the first place. When she finally sees Quaid talking to Cass in the corner, she gives me a solemn look.
“Oh. I thought he had outgrown that.”
“Outgrown what? Making the moves on my cousin’s girlfriend. Apparently not,” I spit out.
“Yeah well, I’m sure that he’s being a total gentleman. Quaid isn’t like that.”
“Please! They are all like that! If they’re thinking with their little head, then the one on their shoulders doesn’t have much say, now does it?”
“Oh, c’mon Jess, give the guy a break. You know he’s been pining for Cass since we were pubescent. And anyway, look at her. She’s smiling. If you haven’t noticed, Isaac isn’t here, now is he? If you don’t want him, at least let Quaid distract her. She needs this.”
I roll my eyes at Ronnie. Yeah, I knew Quaid was into my best friend since forever, but she never returned the sentiment. She loves Isaac and even though Isaac is god knows where he wouldn’t appreciate another guy leaning that close to her. No, I was going to put a stop to this ASAP. Before I let Ronnie talk me out of it, I cross the room to end this little chit-chat.
“Hey, babe. Having fun?” I ask once I reach Cass and my target. She gives me one of those superficial smiles that she’s mastered since Isaac left and nods her head. Quaid on the other hand immediately stiffens when he feels me grab his arm.
“Do you mind if I steal Quaid for a quick second? I just need to have a word with him.” I have to bend my head back just to make eye contact with him, so he knows I mean business. He makes two of me both in height and size. The boy is freaking huge, and by the feel of his forearm, he’s also rock solid. Not intimidating at all.
“Sure, Jess. I wanted to check on Nicky anyway. He’s a little down. Must be those holiday blues,” she says looking at her shoes. Yeah, like that’s what has Nicky down. The boy is high as a kite, but I pretend that Jess’s observation is right on the money. The girl has been through hell this year; it’s not the time to go into her little brother’s sudden Snoop Dog alter ego.
“I think I saw him outside with the boys,” I tell her. She leans in and gives my hand a quick squeeze before leaving Quaid and me alone. I make sure she is out of earshot before I turn to the giant next to me.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“What are you talking about?”
I hate it when someone answers a question with another question. I roll my eyes and take a deep breath trying to conjure up my happy place. I don’t want to make a scene, but if he keeps acting all nonchalant, I’m going to explode.
“Quaid, I know you're a smart guy, so don't act clueless. It doesn’t suit you, and it’s insulting to my own intelligence. You know damn well what I’m talking about. Leave Cass alone. She’s not one of your sorority dim wits that cling to your every word back at school. She’s my cousin’s girlfriend and you know damn well she’s not available, so cut the crap and leave her be.”
Quaid crosses his arms over his chest, and I swear I see his jaw lock in place and his eyes flare with contempt.
“There you go, again. Always making up your mind on something you know nothing about. I wasn’t making the moves on Cass; I was simply saying hello. I know that it’s difficult for that little judgy mind of yours to grasp, but a guy can talk to a girl without it meaning that he wants into her pants.”
“Oh, please don't give me that! You’ve had a hard-on for Cass since we were kids.” I see a twitch in his eye so I know I got him.
“Oh, you thought no one knew? Please! You were so transparent. Hell, even that time we went out, you couldn’t help the look of disappointment when it was me that showed up and not Cass.”
He gives me a little smirk and then does something that I was so not prepared for. He leans into me and basically corners me up against the wall.
“Is that why you acted like such a brat that night? Were you jealous? Is that why you're giving me the stay away from Cass speech now? Still jealous after all this time?”
His invasion of my personal space is stifling, and I suddenly feel like I need to escape. Quaid might be an arrogant prick, but looking up at his glorious face and smelling him all around me is making my throat dry and my heart beat erratically in my chest. My senses have officially been 'Quaidized' and there is little room for anything else.
“Don't be an ass. For me to be jealous of you, I needed to care first. Which I don’t and never intend to.” I lick my dry lips, and I see his eyes following my tongue. They flare up with something I have never seen once in those metallic blue eyes before tonight.
Want.
Yeah, that’s not helping my beating heart simmer down any.
He takes one step closer to me, and our bodies are mere inches apart now. He lowers his head to whisper in my ear, and the feel of his breath on my neck sends an unwanted shiver from my spine straight down to my toes.
“Never is a strong word, Jess. You shouldn’t talk in obsoletes. It closes doors that you may want to open someday."
Jesus.
I swallow hard, and before he leans back, we lock eyes for what seems to be an eternity. I know that we’re both scowling at each other, but our eyes are saying something very different. There is a challenge there and the one to break first loses. It will be a cold day in hell before I get tempted by Quaid’s charm, so game on. My face is deadly serious, and my eyes now reflect that sentiment. I just wish that my body would also get the same memo because right now it’s screaming for Quaid to come in closer again already resenting the space between us. There is a little glimmer in his eye that tells me he thinks he’s won this round. I won’t give him the satisfaction of letting on he got to me, but he knows he’s beaten me tonight. Later on, I’ll blame it on the eggnog or something, but right now I try to do damage control and feign apathy.
“Good talk, Jess. We should do this again sometime.”