“How do we do this?” Bermangoggleshitz asked, unsure of the procedure. “I’m not exactly on good terms with the Goddess at the moment.”

The day was winding down and the sun sat low and blazing orange on the horizon. A gentle breeze blew through the long grasses surrounding our property. The trees rustled and the birds sang. I sighed and smiled. The Goddess had created such a beautiful world.

“You promise on Warlock’s Honor and we see what she does,” I told him. “Sit down and feel the earth beneath you. You need to get back in touch with your earth magic, dude. It misses you.”

He looked at me strangely but followed my directions. “Pretty sure it doesn’t like me,” Roy muttered as his hands sunk into the grass and he breathed in a huge cleansing breath.

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” I asked, feeling superior to him for once. He might have the edge on dark magic, but I was pretty dang good at the light stuff.

Bermangoggleshitz nodded and closed his eyes. “Goddess, if you are listening to an old man with much to regret, I have something to say.”

The wind stopped and the birds went silent. The sun shimmered so brightly that I had to shield my eyes. Holy crap on a sharp stick, this was bizarre. Fabdudio was definitely right to take this potential shit storm outside.

The air sizzled with enchantment and purple sparks began to rain down from the sky. Bermangoggleshitz stood slowly and stared in wonder. He lifted his hands to catch the glimmering magic as a child would to catch the first few flakes of winter’s earliest snowstorm.

His voice started in a whisper and then grew stronger as he spoke.

“I swear on Warlock’s Honor, to never reveal my knowledge of Henry or Audrey. If I break my oath, I forfeit my magic and will take on a human life. I choose to go further and pledge to protect the children from the darkness and when the time comes, I shall teach them how to wield their own dark magic. Hear me, Goddess… and give an undeserving man your blessing.”

A strong gust of rain scented wind blew through the yard knocking Sassy, Roy, Fabio and me to the ground, but not my babies. The current gently lifted them and they floated above us with babbling joy. The Goddess had wrapped them in her loving grace and cuddled them with nature.

Bursts of blissful magic surrounded Henry and Audrey and they swatted at it gleefully. I knew I wasn’t quite right in the head, but I would swear the wind was laughing with delight.

Then the wind spoke.

And I realized as crazy as I was, I wasn’t crazy at all. The Goddess created nature and she communicated through it as well. I’d just never heard her so clearly—or maybe I hadn’t listened hard enough. The words were melodic and airy. I’d honestly never known the Goddess to speak. I’d always taken the wrath of her anger for my impertinence right on my ass. She could say a whole freakin’ hell of a lot with a well-placed bolt of magic.

But this was surreal. My heart felt full and tears filled my eyes.

“I accept your oath and shall forever hold you to your promise, Roy Bermangoggleshitz. You have much to atone for and you shall begin now.”

And with a crack of silver blue lightning that landed squarely on Bermangoggleshitz’s ass, the world went right back to normal. The birds resumed singing and the trees continued to rustle and sway.

My babies floated back down and crawled straight to Bermangoggleshitz who was rolling in the grass to extinguish the fire on his ass. His language was all sorts of appalling, but I really couldn’t blame him. Those ass cracks of lightning hurt like a motherhumper.

“Watch your mouth, Rad,” Sassy admonished her father. “Henry and Audrey already say bullshit, they don’t need to learn any more bad words from you.”

Bermangoggleshitz grunted his agreement and lay on the ground in exhaustion. He’d been nailed by a chair and blasted by the Goddess. Not to mention he’d had no sleep due to Marge’s desire to become the next Ringo Starr.

“Houston, do you mind if I use a little magic and put out my Rad’s ass fire?”

“Be my guest,” I told her, getting unfortunately used to her calling me by the name of a city. “You have a handle on your dark magic. You’re not a genital risk.”

“Thanks, dude,” Sassy said as she waved her hand and created a brief mini rain shower over her dad’s smoldering butt.”

“Look at me, Roy,” Fabio said, squatting down next to him and helping him to a seated position. “Goddess, I can’t believe it.”

“Believe what?” I asked, running over.

“Holy schnikes!” Sassy yelled, gaping at her dad. “Rad, you’re prettier. I mean you’ve still got some butt ass ugly going, but you’re getting pretty hot.”

And she was correct. Bermangoggleshitz was going from the Beast to Beauty. Not completely. He still had horns. I did wonder if he would ever truly go back to his original visage, but… he was getting closer.

“Dude,” I said with a grin. “Your good is showing.”

“Yes, well… being good is extremely painful and tiring,” he said with a grimace as he got to his feet.

“Are you hungry?” Sassy asked her dad.

“Are you offering to cook for me?”

“Goddess no!” she shouted. “You’d die of food poisoning. However, Jeeves is cooking at the Assjacket Diner tonight and I’d like to treat my semi-heinous dad to a delicious meal.”

“I could go for that as well,” Fabio said. “Shall we take my car?”

“How about we take our brooms?” Sassy suggested.

Fabio and Bermangoggleshitz gaped at her in horrified shock.

“Sassy,” I said with an eye roll and a laugh. “Broomsticks and testicles are not friends. Your dad and mine have been through enough today and I’m quite sure Fabdudio doesn’t want to heal Roy’s nuts or his own. You feel me?”

“I could put cushioned seats on the brooms,” she argued her case.

“No,” Bermangoggleshitz said firmly. “But thank you, darling. And umm… you do realize we don’t need brooms to fly, right?”

“I know that,” she said with a giggle. “I just think it’s so cool and it’s awfully terrifying to see a bunch of witches flying into town on bushy sticks.”

Fabio and Bermangoggleshitz exchanged looks and then shrugged. Sassy took that as a yes and conjured up three seated brooms before they could change their minds.

“You want one Zelda? I could make a three seater for you and the kids.”

“No. Never. Definitely not. I’m going to wait for Mac to get home and we’ll meet you flying idiots at the diner.”

“Good plan,” Sassy yelled as she hopped on her broom and made ridiculous revving noises with her mouth.

I stood and watched the three of them blast into the air. Bermangoggleshitz screamed and ended up riding upside down—something I was sadly familiar with. Fabio faired only slightly better as he listed to the right and pretty much won the screaming contest. For two of the most powerful warlocks in existence, they were pretty wimpy.

“Crapass,” Audrey yelled with delight as she pointed to the sky.

“Buwsit,” Henry added with a belly laugh.

Scooping the little giggle monsters up into my arm, I had to agree with my son. Riding a broom was total bullshit. I just hoped Roy and Fabio had more graceful landings than I’d had.

Somehow, I doubted it. The thought made me grin.

“Let’s get you guys changed and wait for daddy. Okay?”

“Buzzshit,” they shouted happily.

Oh well, I suppose it was good that asshat or motherfucker or crusty butt-whacker hadn’t been their first word. Not that bullshit was great, but everything could always be worse.