“Try again,” Bermangoggleshitz commanded, clearly getting frustrated with me.

He paced the backyard and ran his hands through his hair. And if I wasn’t mistaken—and I wasn’t—his fingers got tangled in pink frosting. Gross. However, Roy’s vexation with my lack of control didn’t hold a candle to my own. I was ready to kick my own ass or give up.

“I don’t get it,” I shouted as I made yet another huge crater in my backyard. I was up to six now. “I didn’t have this problem with my dark magic until a freakin’ week ago. I was fine and then… not.”

Marge stood off to the side of the yard. She’d put a good amount of distance between herself and me. She was a smart witch.

“Did anything out of the ordinary happen last week?” she questioned.

Marge was organized and precise. She was a baker for the love of the Goddess. She was a list person—one who probably did all the things on her lists. Not to mention, she was also the only maker of the green goop that helped keep the magical balance in our world.

“Dude,” I huffed, exasperated. “Define out of the ordinary. We’re witches. We live amongst people who turn into animals. My lumpy-assed cats talk. Not real sure I understand the question.”

Marge laughed and crossed the yard. Taking my hands in hers, she gently squeezed them. “Darling child, everything you just said is our ordinary. I meant anything strange—unsettling—something that felt off.”

“She has a point,” Bermangoggleshitz chimed in with a curt nod of his head. “I am no longer getting the impression that you hate your dark side. Hence, I don’t understand why you can’t control it.”

“Correct on the not hating it. No clue on why I can’t restrain it,” I said.

I didn’t hate it at all. In fact, I was grateful for it now that I knew there might be a threat to my children. However, I still didn’t have a handle on it and didn’t know why.

“Baba Yocraycray said if I can’t control my dark side it will control me,” I said, searching Marge and Roy’s faces for a clue as to how to be in charge of my dark mojo.

They said nothing—simply exchanged worried glances. It wasn’t exactly reassuring. Was I stuck like this? Was I going to be a permanent liability to my town, my people… my children?

“I refuse to accept that I can’t control this shit,” I announced, marching farther away from the house. “I’m gonna try a spell.”

“Do it,” Roy said. “Just aim it north—and low. You have a lot of nice trees.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Buttmunch,” I muttered.

“You’re welcome,’ he said with a chuckle. “You can do this… I think. Just concentrate. And go from the gut. And trust in your instincts. And zone in on the enchantment. And follow…”

“And shut your cakehole,” I said with an eye roll. “I’m gonna fall asleep if you keep going, dude.”

“Fine point. Well made,” he replied as Marge gave him an elbow to the gut.

“Here goes nothing,” I muttered as I raised my hands and prepared to… umm… I don’t even know what I was preparing to do. Not good, but I had to start somewhere.

North and low.

I could at least do that.

With a sharp wave of my hand and clearly no help from the Goddess, a blast of black fire burst from my fingertips and I blew a hole in my backyard the size of an Olympic swimming pool. I flew about fifteen feet in the air and black sparkles covered every inch of my body making my awesome red hair look like fiery soot.

“Motherhumper,” I shouted as I crawled to my knees and examined my newest crater.

“Was it the fact she said mom jeans or motherfucker?” Bermangoggleshitz asked as he sprinted over to make sure I was okay.

“Not sure,” Marge said, frantically. “It may have been the veiled threat about Julio.”

“And how does she know about us?” Roy asked.

“I’d hazard a guess that Sassy told her.”

I lay on the ground and stared at the sky. Ignoring Marge and Roy was easy. I had way bigger problems. Why didn’t the Goddess help me? Did I have to go through this for a reason? Was I not supposed to have my happily ever after? Was my past coming back to bite me in the ass and giving up my happiness was my penance—or rather, punishment?

My heart felt like it weighed a thousand tons, but my eyes were dry. Loving as much as I did now had taught me something very valuable. I would give my life for my children and Mac. And if leaving would keep them safe, then I would do that too. It would kill me more assuredly than real death, but…

“Something isn’t right here,” Bermangoggleshitz said as he examined me for injuries.

“No shit, Sherlock,” I grumbled.

He wouldn’t find any injuries. Outwardly I was a little banged up, but I was fine. Now inside my heart was a different story… that was where the damage was.

“It’s as if an outside force is at play, but that’s impossible,” Marge said. “We need Carol. Has anyone heard from her?”

“Nope,” Sassy said as she ran out to the backyard to see what the ruckus was.

She hadn’t waited the three hours and thirty-two minutes that she’d needed to be able to ignore the horror show she’d seen this morning. I almost laughed as she very obviously and studiously avoided eye contact with her Rad and his Twister partner.

“You know,” Sassy said, as she gathered me into her arms and helped me to my feet. “You blew a perfect hole to build a swimming pool in. Would have taken the Shifter construction crew a month to get it so deep and perfect. You feel me?”

Looking at the large perfectly shaped rectangle, I had to agree. I’d always wanted a pool and now I was halfway there.

“You’re a glass half full kind of freak,” I told her with a small smile.

“Is that a good thing?” she asked, narrowing her eyes at me.

“Yes, Sassy Louise Bermangoggleshitz Pants. It’s a very good thing.”

Sassy curtseyed and danced around me.

“I just don’t know what I should do. Should stay or I should go?” I whispered.

“That’s a great song,” she replied.

“What?” I asked, totally frustrated. I was having a break down here and Sassy was… well, being Sassy.

“Sorry,” she said with a grin. “I was speaking Clash-ish.”

And I laughed. I laughed hard. Sassy had just made a really good one.

“You got me,” I said.

“I did?” she crowed with delight.

“You did indeed. But I’m serious. I think I’m a danger to everyone.”

“I call bullshitorama,” Sassy said. “And that’s Profanican in case you were wondering. You are staying right here where you and I belong. You’re gonna get a handle on this dark crap and in the meantime you can offer out your services and put in shitastic pools for everyone in Assjacket. You could make a few bucks and a bunch of Shifters really happy.”

“Hello?” a familiar voice called out from the side of the house.

My stomach lurched and felt a little queasy. I hadn’t seen this particular individual since I’d multiplied his man tool. If he’d come to let me have it, I’d take it. I deserved nothing less.

“We’re back here,” I yelled as I stepped away from Sassy. If I was going to get reamed out, I was going to take it like a big girl witch—on my own.

“Zelda,” Roger said, completely out of breath. “Love what you’ve done with your hair—very goth and sparkly.”

“Umm… thank you,” I mumbled, biting down on my lips so I wouldn’t laugh.

Roger was wearing a skirt—a bright orange and lime freakin’ green plaid skirt with a ruffle. I knew that pants would be an issue with his enhancement, but a skirt?

“Roger, you’re rockin’ that skirt,” Sassy complimented him on his heinous look.

“It’s a kilt,” he replied blushing under her praise. “The new package calls for roomier attire.”

“You’re sure that’s a kilt?” Sassy asked, cocking her head to the side and taking a closer look.

“Yes,” he confirmed proudly. “Fat Bastard procured it for me. Said it was all the rage in Oklahoma.”

“Fat Bastard lies,” I pointed out.

“Yes,” Roger agreed readily. “But I don’t care. I love this look and think I’m working it with style. I’ve ordered these beauties for all the men in town—you too, Roy. I’m confident in my masculinity and wearing a kilt proves that. Also, it doesn’t squash my bits.”

“So you’re not mad at me?” I asked.

“Not at all,” he assured me. “It is rather unusual, but I’m getting used to it. My aim in the lavatory is sketchy at best, but practice makes perfect.”

My mouth dropped open, but nothing came out. I had nothing to add.

“So I’m here because something rather strange is happening in town and I was hoping you could shed some light on it,” he said looking a bit worried.

“What’s happening?” Bermangoggleshitz asked, staring in horror at Roger’s skirt.

“Well, big craters are popping up all over the place. The last one happened about ten minutes ago. It’s the size of an Olympic swimming pool. Now while it would be lovely to have an Assjacket Community Country Club. I think the middle of Main Street might not be the best location.”

“Impossible,” Roy said, staring at me.

“Preposterous,” Marge added staring at me.

“Fuckin’ A,” Sassy said, giving me a thumbs up.

“Shit,” I gasped out right before everything went black.

The last thing I remembered was hitting the ground with a thud.

The darkness was winning.