I tightened my grip around the firm pillow, its wondrous scent provoked me to snuggle closer. The pillow was heavenly, the best pillow I had ever laid my head upon in my entire existence. Even Ryder’s pillow didn’t beat this, though the smell had been just as intoxicating; the cinnamon, rose aroma I’d come to love so much.

Back at the facility when I first arrived, I had been given my own room. I sometimes sleepwalked to Lily’s bed, my subconscious mission to wet her bed instead of my own, but eighty percent of the time I stayed in my own room. My sleep walking didn’t get worse until later, after Lily’s passing.

Interesting how during the day I’d despise the Owner, the one who stole Lily away from me, but at night, I’d subconsciously slip into his bed craving for comfort. The bed of a murder.

My room was simple; housing a decent sized bed which held a single pink pillow with a small light blanket that matched the black sheets. Though the bed looked inviting, it wasn’t very comfortable.

As I got older, the experiments increased in frequency, the Owner’s sudden change in behaviour contributing to the change in protocol. I had my guesses about why he went from a genuinely nice individual to the cynical man he became; Elaine being a huge contribution to such a shift.

When Elaine suddenly stops visiting the facility, I overheard the rumours the guards were spreading. She and the Owner became very close, but then she disappeared without a trace. A few shifters said she died or was murdered for vouching for some king in the past. I didn’t understand much of their bickering, but all I knew was Elaine wasn’t coming back. Her absence triggering the Owner’s merciless behaviour.

Regardless of the change that occurred, my preferences diminished significantly. When you’re barely able to keep your eyes open, the floor becomes your new best friend.

The guards gave up on providing us basic hygienic privileges. Aside from the daily shower and change of blankets once a week, we were on our own in the cleanliness department. If your attire had blood stains all over it, you better wash it yourself because no one would do it for you.

I was privileged to have my own bathroom equipped with a toothbrush and other essentials but the other experiments weren’t so lucky.

“You do realize that’s not a pillow, right?” Rose pointed out, her voice flowed with irritation but I sensed a hint of confusion. I rubbed my face against it, the smooth texture was warm and inviting.

“Nonsense. This is the best pillow in all of Starlight. You just want to take it away from me. Leave me and my pillow alone.” I mumbled. I claimed it now, so it’s mine.

I heard a deep chuckle, the vibration of sound rocking my head slightly. Hmm, that doesn’t sound like Rose.

“I have to confess, you’re the first female to rank my chest as the best pillow in Starlight. Guess I’ll take it as a compliment. Though, I’m quite curious as to how you got into my room Mako.”

Aw shit…

“Told you.” Rose sighed.

I lifted my head to see Ryder smiling down, amusement plastered all over his face. His hair was messy, but instead of being unappealing it had the opposite effect, making him look even more handsome and dangerous.

My eyes lowered to his exposed chest, lingering on the large tribal marking located on his left shoulder. They continued their slow descent, assessing the plains of his chest; it rose and fell at a leveled pace and was smooth beneath my hand that lingered there, not a hair in sight.

My eyes trailed lower, skimming over his tanned skin that lead to his flat stomach. When my eyes reached his well-defined abs, I came to a quick conclusion:  The only way I could get such a first class viewing of his body was because I was currently plastered on top of him.

I felt the blood rush to my face, my clouded mind clearing. WHY ME!

I pushed myself off him before quickly jumping out of bed, scanning the dark room for the exit. I still felt disorientated, confused as to where I was, but I was one-hundred percent positive I shouldn’t have been in Ryder’s room. I had fallen asleep in the boy’s guest room, located in the basement.

Since our class for tomorrow didn’t start till the evening, I didn’t know my sleeping placement. Plus, the boys were still antsy over me being a ten-minute drive away if I slept in the female dorms, so they insisted I sleep over tonight.

I fell asleep the moment Marcus strapped me in with something called a seat belt and woke up briefly when Ryder carried me into the room. All I can recall is quickly washing up, throwing on whatever was on the end of the bed and slipping right into those silky black sheets.

Maybe if I pretended to sprinkle some sleep dust on him, he would think it was all a dream. I watch as he smiled, putting his hands behind his head, his biceps constricting ever so slightly, making me want to stroke my hands all over them.

“My imagination is doing a fine job then if I get to see such perfection before me.” He replied, his voice raspy, a clear indication he just woke up.

I shivered, wrapping my arms around my body. Why is it so cold or is his tingle inducing voice doing that?

“If you were wearing clothes, maybe you would feel, you know, less chilly?” Rose suggested, sounding uninterested in my current dilemma.

I panicked, glancing down to see myself wearing only a pink laced bra and matching panties. Karen had given me a spare set of clothes to change into that were more feminine, reassuring me I’d have a better selection and school uniform by tomorrow. I swear to Starlight, I put something on before I slept.

“If you're referring to the sheet that you grabbed off the end of the bed, wrapping yourself up like a caterpillar, cocooning itself for hibernation, and face planting into the bed, then yes. You essentially put something on.” Lexi mused, enjoyment oozing off her usual mellow voice.

I groaned, putting my head in my hands. If I could die from embarrassment, this would be the moment. First night sleeping in a house filled with boys and I’d miraculously broke into one of the rooms, snuck myself into an occupied bed, and now was on full display like an underwear model. Talk about first impressions.

I continued to hide my face, which probably was red like a tomato as I fidgeted in place, the cold seeping from the small crack in the window on my right. The soft wind drifting by contributing to my shivering body. There’s absolutely no way I can face him now.

I felt something warm wrap around my body, before I was pulled against something hard. My eyes snapped open, the rose, cinnamon scent surrounding me as the arms tightening. I was frozen in place as my heart began to accelerate, my emotions rattling within me. I could hear his frantic heart beat slamming against his chest, his breath caressing my neck as we stood in place. I wanted to fight myself from leaning into his embrace, but my resolve seemed to dissolve. I allowed my arms to wrap around him, returning the embrace.

I hadn’t hugged or had such intimate interaction with anyone since Lily. I cherished the moments I shared with her, creeping up behind her to hug her while we played together, my intentions aimed to get her to give me a piggy back around the facility. When she died, I had no one to hug, to comfort me after my loss. As I watched them throw her ashes down the drain, rejecting my plea to keep them, no one stood by to console me. When the nightmares violated my dreams every night as I lay alone in fear, no one checked in to investigate about the screams and cries that escaped me.

Yet here I was, motionless, afraid of facing a man who’d witness such an embarrassing moment, hugging me. He didn’t laugh at my weird behaviour, or ridicule my actions. He accepted my flaws, the first person in my adult cycles to acknowledge me as a person. Not a tool to be pushed, laughed or taunt.

I swallowed hard, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. I wouldn’t show any more vulnerability. I was stronger than this, witnessing events no shifter should watch throughout my life. I wouldn’t shatter now. My life had taught me a few things, one being that kindness was only temporary.

I pulled away slightly, peering into those bright purple eyes, the moonlight spilled through the window glimmering in them. His expression appeared haunted, worry etched into his face as he looked down on me.

“Don’t ever feel embarrassed in my presence, Mako. I know you don’t remember me, that I’m a stranger to you, but I understand and accept you. When we were kids, I would come and visit every rotation. I’d help your mom tuck you in bed, only to wake up to you cuddling next to me. Or those times you’d be taking a nap in your room one minute, only to be sitting on the kitchen floor, holding a glass of milk in your little hands the next minute. I never judged you then, Mako. I won’t start now.”

He didn’t know me; he remembered Rosalina at six cycles, who had a vision of her future life as a princess. Who was he to stand here and imply he knew me, as if he’d witnessed the last sixteen cycles of hell?

“How can you accept me so easily? This sleep walking business is nothing but a curse. How would you feel to be chained to a wall every night? Or pretend to be deaf so my sensitive ears ignored the multiple insults directed my way; the lunatic shifter, the Owner’s favourite. How can you accept my moments of embarrassment and my deflections with humour as an attempt to present myself as a normal, happy go lucky shifter, who’s lived a decent life?” I snapped, the anger surging through me as I glared up at him.

“Better yet, the multiple times I speak out loud instead of being able to distinguish between the thoughts in my crowded head, versus, the world around me! Just because you knew someone when they were what, four or five cycles, you simply think you can just assume I’m the same naïve little girl? I’ve changed, Ryder! I’ve seen things…I’ve witnessed shifters destroy one another to receive a plate of food. I’ve watched girls get beaten and raped by the guards for refusing to reveal their bodies to them. I was compelled to stand and watch my…best friend, my sister, release her spirit before her head was sliced off her body because she deserved to be taught a lesson! I am a shattered mess, Ryder. I’m not the innocent Rosalina you once knew. I’m the girl who screams herself awake from nightmares plaguing me any chance they get. I’m the girl who hides a side of myself that…if revealed, can destroy whatever’s dear to me with a snap of a finger.” I raged on, taking every nerve in me to not crack or burn anything. No one would ever understand!

“I’m broken Ryder! An unsalvageable mess. Knowing all this, would you still want to accept such a person…as a friend, as a princess to serve and protect?”

“Mako.” He whispered my name, but it felt like a scream echoing through my body.

I pulled away, turning around as I felt the tears sweep down my face. I bit my lip to hold back the sobs threatening to escape.

It was one thing to know your flaws, but to say them out loud for your own ears to hear shattered every defense I had built around myself. I tightened the blanket around me, a barrier to replace the one that had just shattered.

“I’ll return to my room. Sorry for waking you, it won’t happen again.” My voice barely a whisper. I took a step forward before arms encircled me once more, stopping me from my desperate flee.

“You think we’re perfect Makoto?” I heard him whisper against my ear, his voice brimming with aggravation.

“Every day I walk with my head up high, giving off the impression that all is well, but when the lights go off and I lay in my bed, I’m haunted by the stricken expressions on your parent’s faces when they discovered you were stolen. I despise the younger me, who didn’t clue in on the fact you weren’t in bed next to me that morning. Maybe, if I had acted upon that revelation and investigated…you would have never lived such a pain stricken life. Those agonizing memories will never fade away Makoto. I’ll always put the blame on myself for failing you.” He declared. I could feel the desperation in his voice, the air thick with tension.

After all these cycles, he blamed himself for something that was out of his control.

His embrace tightened as he took a deep breath, his body trembling. My heart clenched as I realized he was on the verge of tears. For a man like him to shed tears, only displayed how devastating the experience was to him. I could relate to him – to be the one that feels helpless in stopping something that was out of my control. The same way I felt pounding on the glass wall, screaming as I watched Lily die.

“You can’t beat yourself up for that.” I gave into his despair.

“Only the Starlight gods can determine our fates. If this was how my life was supposed to blossom, to make me a stronger individual, then you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it.” The anger inside of me had died. The inferno of fury burning through me moments before, now only embers simmering.

“Then why is it okay for me to forgive my short comings, but watch you refuse to forgive yours? I can’t say everything that happens in this universe happens with a purpose. I understand you’ve seen things and have lost people you cared about, but so have I. We’ve all lost people. Losing someone dear to you, creates an unfillable black hole within your heart…but we can’t continue to move forward with the intention of living up to their names if we don’t commit to trying our best to do so. That starts with you, forgiving yourself and accepting the person you’ve become due to such upbringings.” He concluded.

Silence descends around us, as we stood there. The wind continued to blow softly in the room, moving the curtains against the window sill, making a light clattering noise.

I closed my eyes taking a deep breath, thinking through everything he said. I knew he was right, but still, I questioned his loyalty and motive. I was no longer the little girl he remembered. I couldn’t even remember that little girl. Was it possible? Can they all accept me, the broken defective me?

“We’re all broken Mako. All of us have a story to tell. Just because Marcus laughs constantly, doesn’t mean he hasn’t struggled in this life. Just because Daniel looks calm all the time, doesn’t mean he doesn’t become aggravated or upset. Elias projects himself as a stuck up know it all, without a care in the world, but don’t you wonder what made him become that way in the first place? We all have our inner demons. It comes down to whether you succumb to them or fight to become victorious.” He reassured me, replying to my unintentional confession.

I turned myself around, still in his embrace to face him, my cheeks stained with tears. I looked up to him not with sadness, but determination.

I was given a chance to live, to enjoy the moment of freedom I so badly wished upon. I couldn’t simply waste it, crying and sabotaging myself. I had lived thus far, with the Starlight gods and Lily watching over me. I must have some type of purpose in this life. If the gods brought these men into my life for a reason, I had to give them a chance to prove themselves. To fulfil whatever duty the stars had mapped for us. It was time to grow up.

I smiled, the last bits of tension within my heart melting away, feeling as if all my burdens and hardships had been taken off my shoulders, freeing me.

“I’ll accept you and the others. I won't judge you guys either. I don’t know what the gods have in store for us on this apparent journey. To be honest, the unknown frightens me – unaware of when we’ll have to face these foretold dark times, but if you all are willing to stay with me, through thick and thin, I’ll give it a shot.” I vowed, my resolution clear.

He smiled, appearing so genuinely sweet and happy, my heart warmed with affection.

“Tomorrow’s a new beginning. Let’s make it count.” He proclaimed with pure conviction.