VEE

What the hell was that?

I stand in the middle of a war zone—literally a War zone—surrounded by destruction. Broken glass covers the white carpet, the drinks we shared now streak the walls. Two minutes ago, music from the movie filled the room along with our laughter. Now our snatched happiness has shattered along with the TV screen. Shards litter the floor, mingled with popcorn. I swallow as I notice spots of blood across the cream carpet in the direction Xander walked.

"Are you okay, Vee?" Joss stands and places an arm around my shaking shoulders, hugging me to him.

"Shit. He cracked the window." Heath points at the floor-to-ceiling glass with a massive fault line running down the centre.

I move from Joss's embrace. "I should go after him."

"No. Not a good idea, Vee," says Heath. "I haven't seen Xander like that for a long time. He's dangerous."

"He wouldn't be dangerous to me." My heart speeds. "Would he?"

"What the fuck is hap—" I turn to Ewan, who stops abruptly. He surveys the wreckage and his expression matches the others’. Worry, not anger. "What the fuck?"

"Xander lost control." Heath pokes at some glass with his foot. "I knew this would happen soon."

"Yeah," Joss replies. "I'm sure you've all sensed how close to the edge Xander is right now."

My mouth dries. Yes, but not as clearly as I should. After all the closeness we gained, the truth from the book wrenched Xander away from me again. He’s back to his need to protect himself.

Xander said “we can't exist without our fifth.” Since that day, he's slid back to existing and fought against feeling anything. A fight with himself that he just lost.

"Then what do we do?" I ask

"Wait. He'll be back."

* * *

VEE

Where would Xander go?

I toy with the idea of following him, but the others persuade me not to. Instead, Heath walks out, and returns to say he spotted Xander sitting at the edge of the property, in the far corner of the back garden beneath a large palm tree. This satisfies the others, and even though my heart pulled me in his direction I have to listen to the men who know him best.

Heath and Joss clear up the lounge, their low voices and sound of swept-up glass filtering through to where I sit with Joss, on a sofa in the room closest to the front door.

I caused this.

We were united. Now we're falling apart again.

Eventually I doze off in Joss's arms, grateful for the soothing touch, and steady heartbeat against my cheek.

The front door clicks closed and I move Joss’s heavy arm from around my waist. Pulling myself from his sleeping figure, I climb to my feet, groggy from dozing. Footsteps pad up the stairs before I can leave the room, and I hurry after. I find a subdued Xander in the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the bath, washing his feet with a towel. Blood runs into the tub. He looks up. The last few days have aged him, his eyes duller and face lined by exhaustion. He focuses back on his feet and I sit beside him on the bath.

"How are you feeling now?" I ask.

He doesn’t look up. "Sorry. For that."

I smile and take the stained towel from him. "That's one word I thought I'd never hear from the old Xander."

"What old Xander?" His words are sharp and when he looks up I cup his rough cheek in my hand.

"The one who didn't allow himself to feel.”

He pulls his face away and examines his foot. “I need a bandage.”

“Don’t evade me, Xan. Allowing yourself to feel isn’t a weakness."

"No, but losing control that badly is. I need to control this."

"But you're out of control of everything around us. Accept that, and things will be easier."

"I thought things were bad that day, but it doesn't compare to now."

"You mean because you lost?"

He looks up, his stress-lined face isn't amused. "How can you be flippant about this?"

"Because if I think too much, it scares me," I admit.

He scrutinises me and I see in his lost eyes what I've heard in his voice since the day we were told who I am. I thought the guys might look at me differently and become suspicious, but all I've seen is fear and concern.

"Me too." Xander's voice is barely audible, but I didn't need him to say that. "This is not going to happen. Prophecies are bullshit stories."

A few weeks ago, I would've agreed. I've come across people online who've sworn the end of the world was coming and nothing happened. I laughed at them.

But that's before I met Horsemen, demons and fae. Before I met Chaos. I swallow. Wrong. I already knew Seth before the guys. What would have happened if we'd met at the cafe the way I agreed to, shortly before the guys found me? Would Seth have taken me then? He helped the others searching for the Fifth—like the fae and demon who attacked me the night Heath stepped in. Seth orchestrated the chaos that prevented them finding me quickly.

Why did he play with us for so long?

Again I curse myself for stupidity in repeatedly telling the guys to trust Seth. Sympathising with him. Now, I can't figure out why I did and the thought sickens me.

Am I part of Chaos too, and that part wanted to protect and help him?

If I am, what does that mean for everybody's future?

Xander places his warm fingers on my cheek interrupting my thoughts. Each time Xander connects like this, the more confused I become.

“You’ve never spoken to me about the day we found out. You really lost your shit when the Collector told us about who I am," I say.

He shakes his head. "Of course I bloody did. Do you really think I'm going to let you die?"

“No.”

Xander always preferred to stay locked inside his Horsemen world, avoiding humans and their world unless necessary. He blocked out everything to strengthen his role as War. But he can't deny his human side any longer, now he's faced with a new reality tearing at his emotions.

And my heart hurts for him. 

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I move closer, our bodies meeting again for the first time in days. For a moment I'm convinced Xander might push me away, but he doesn't.

"This is killing me, Vee," he whispers. "All of this."

This? Xander, vague as always, could be referring to so much. Perhaps everything. I run my fingers along his stubbled face and watch as I touch his lips. I focus on calming him with the power from Joss. Impossible, because there's little calm inside me.

He doesn't respond.

The only comfort I have with any and all of them right now is physical, and a world away from the desperate need triggered each time I use my powers. This is deeper and stronger, as if Ewan united something more than the energy we contain.

I move my fingers to Xander's cheek and press my lips to his. For a moment, again, he doesn't respond. Heart sinking, I move my face away.

Suddenly, he seizes my head and crashes his mouth on mine, kissing me as fiercely as he has many times before. But this time there's an intense desperation barely held back. This kiss is as if he can't breathe without me.

I hold Xander’s face and pull his mouth from mine. “You need to let go, Xander. It’s time.”

Dull eyes look back at me. “I have to hold this together.”

"You can hold some things together, but not everything. I know you loathe being out of control. Everybody does, but—"

“But it’s my role.” He swallows. “Keeping things on track is what I do.”

“Xander…” I run the back of my hand down his face again. “I mean you, not the situation. Face what’s holding you back. Until you get a handle on your emotions, you’ll never think clearly.”

He looks away and a muscle ticks in his jaw. I gently turn his face back to mine. "Look at what just happened. That man wasn’t War. You weren’t fighting an enemy. There was no danger. That man was Xander. Your anger came out because you—"

“Yeah, I know, I repress shit. That’s just how some people are, Vee.”

“Are those people happy?”

“How the hell should I know?” He stands and I clench my teeth. “I’m tired. Sorry for earlier.”

“Tired of fighting with yourself?” I stand and take his hand. He doesn’t get to evade this anymore. “That energy is better directed elsewhere.”

He pulls his hand away and pushes both into his hair, and his eyes fill with a hurt I’ve never seen before. “Don’t do this, Vee. I can’t do this.”

“I love you, Xander. Do you realise how horrible it is to see someone you love in pain? To feel their pain?” He holds my gaze. “You can’t change me or the situation, but it’s your choice how you deal with this.”

He drops his hands from his hair and the sadness in his face intensifies. “Remember that afternoon in the hotel?”

“How could I forget?” I reply softly.

“I told you the world would burn if I didn’t stay in control. If I let myself weaken when the world needed me. Remember that too?” I nod. “I’m not worried about the world burning, Vee. I’m terrified that if it does I’ll lose you in the fire.”

“Whatever happens, we will walk out the other side.”

“And I need to be 'me' for that to happen.”

I reach out to him again, and this time he takes my hand and squeezes. “But will we walk out together?” I ask. “Because right now you’re walking alone.”

My heart thumps and the heaviness of the situation crushes my lungs. Xander stands before me, chest rising and falling rapidly and the struggle in his face clear. I ache for him to reach out to me and accept what I’m saying.

He drops my hand. “I’m sorry, Vee. I can’t do this. Not now. Not yet.”

I place a hand over my mouth, holding in the anguish as he walks away from me. I close my eyes and push away the pain.

But I refuse to cry.

In this moment, I hate whoever created me with a fury greater than the hate I have for Chaos. I despise whoever did this to us all. Why create a human side and force us to go through these situations and emotions?

If I ever find out who screwed with us, they’ll be the ones who burn.