VEE

I compose myself. Take calming breaths and walk out of the bathroom. The house is still and the sound of Heath snoring amuses me briefly, breaking the tension in my head.

What do I do now? Who do I go to? My instinct is to find Xander, but I don’t think I can cope with his rejection.

A sudden sharp pain in my head destabilises me and my shoulder bumps the wall as I steady myself. The dizziness pulls me back from reality. Each time the pain comes, it’s more intense and frightening.

I swear beneath my breath.

A bedroom door opens and Xander walks out. He stops in surprise. “Are you okay?”

I force a smile and straighten, but I can’t answer. I’ve pushed at him too much tonight.

“I was coming back to find you,” he says. “To talk to you. I shouldn’t have walked away.”

“Progress!” I say and he shakes his head with a wry smile. “What did you want to say to me, Xander?”

He scratches an eyebrow and inclines his head to the bedroom. I follow him in. The curtains are open and the half-moon casts a blueish light across the bed. Papers are spread across the carpet, and I crouch down to pick a sheet up.

“Have you been going through Seth’s files again?”

“Yes, with Ewan.” He takes the paper from me. “I know Seth. I’m sure he’s hidden something in here.”

Is the research what Xander wanted to talk to me about? Because this hurts more than if he’d stayed away tonight. “Oh. Okay. Did you find new information you wanted to show me?”

Xander stares down at the paper in his hand as my heart continues to sink. The silence in the room grows.

“Xander?”

“I don’t want to be alone, Vee.” His words come suddenly and I stumble as he cups my face with his hand. “I love you so fucking much that it tears at me when I hurt you. I hate myself when I do. That I can’t show you the way the other guys can.”

I move closer and hold his face too. Force him to look at me. My body never calmed after the intensity in the bathroom, and my pulse races again. “I love you, and I try to understand you. But you don’t make that easy.”

“I don’t understand me.” He laughs at himself. “So you have no chance.”

“But this is a start.”

Xander gently holds the back of my head and draws my face closer. He moves his mouth close to mine and hesitates—something unusual for him. For moments, our lips remain close but too far, and in his pause I realise how big this is to him. Everything he said. Everything he exposed. And Xander doesn't need to say anything more. With his words came the final surrender. A surrender to himself, to trust, and to allowing his love to push through to meet mine. I wind my arms around his neck and pull him so our lips meet.

He drops his hand from my head and pulls me towards him. Xander runs his tongue along my bottom lip and I part my mouth, allowing him to kiss me deeply. I grip his short hair and the way our bodies shape against each other pulls my awareness away from everything apart from this. Xander’s kiss fills with his passion for me, but also the love reaching out. The moment takes hold, and he draws me away from the edge of the world falling apart around us.

Xander pulls me to him by my hips and slides his hand up my back. Unable to breathe from the kiss’s crushing intensity, I pull away. Convinced my legs are about to collapse, I hang onto his shoulders, and his grip around me tightens. His arousal against my hip spikes my own in return.

As he cups my backside and holds me against him, heat from his desire consumes me and a familiar, ferocious need overtakes my thoughts. I need to be naked. To be surrounded by Xander and share the love he’s admitted.

I pull at his t-shirt, and when he pulls away to tug it over his head, my hands go straight to the button on his jeans. My fingers tremble with the need to connect to the new Xander who’s opening up to me. To show him I feel the same. He pushes me towards the bed and I drop back with my hands still on his button.

Xander pauses and looks down. Looking into his eyes is like looking in a mirror. We've always been part of each other but something was always obscured. Now he reflects what I always craved him to—something greater than any word or touch. Xander’s heart and soul are open and raw.

The moment drops away into a rough passion—the shared desperation to get skin on skin. Xander pushes my shirt to my shoulders and I tug it over my head. Sliding a strong hand under my back, he moves his face downwards, kissing my naked skin. His stubbled cheek presses against me and he pauses.

“Xander,” I whisper and tip his face.

We let go of any remaining control as we pull at clothes, kissing and touching every inch of newly revealed skin as we undress. Naked, I arch my back as his mouth closes over my nipple. Teasing. Turning me into a trembling mess. He slides his hand downwards and I tense waiting for his touch.

Xander circles his thumb against my inner thigh teasingly close to where I ache for him. As he slides a finger along my damp heat, my body lights up with memories of times before. But this is different. Gentler. More connected. As if sensing this, he eases his fingers into me and I make a soft sound.

He buries his face into my hair, hot breath against my ear. “You’re beautiful, Vee.”

He moves his fingers, circling my clit with his thumb and I grab his hair, pulling his face around so our mouths meet. His heart thumps against my chest and I can barely breathe. When he pulls away, the dark intensity in his eyes ramps up my lust. He’s hard against my stomach and there’s only one thing I want right now. That we both want. I move my hand between us and stroke him from the base to the tip, enjoying how he closes his eyes and his mouth parts in pleasure.

I guide him towards me and he holds himself up on his arms. Xander’s gaze moves hungrily across my breasts before looking back to me. He pushes my hand away and takes himself, rubbing up and down. Biting his lip, he pushes harder against me. If this was anybody but Xander, I’d think he was hesitant. But he’s teasing, not waiting.

Xander fists my hair and pulls my face up so his mouth meets mine and at the same moment pushes into me hard and fast. I groan as he fills me and wrap my legs around his waist to hold him closer. He holds my hair tighter and match his movements. We kiss with the fervour to match our lovemaking, harsh and frenzied, and the intensity builds.

In a sudden move, Xander turns over on the bed. He holds my hips and thrusts into me as I steady myself on his hard stomach. Taking over, I move against him and rest my forehead against his. Our skin slicks as we move and our heated breath mingles.

“You better hadn’t break anything else in the house,” I say.

He slaps my backside. “If I do, it’s your fault this time.”

“You always blame me.”

He chuckles and pushes hair from my face, pressing his mouth on mine again. He kisses me hard and deep, gripping my ass as he thrusts harder. “You feel so fucking good.”

I want to reply but my orgasm hits, a shockwave tearing into my heart and soul. I dig my fingers into his shoulders as he continues to push into me. He swears as I tighten around him again As he comes, he closes his eyes and bites my shoulder to muffle his shout.

I collapse forward onto him. “Bloody hell, Xander. You could at least be gentle for once.”

He kisses my shoulder. “Shit. Sorry.” He trails his fingers along my back. “But we didn’t break anything.”

“What?”

“The room.”

I roll off him and lie on my back, arm across my face as I concentrate on regaining my breath . My cooling skin still tingles and I swear I won’t be coming down from this for a long time.

“Oh yeah. Light bulb intact.”

Xander chuckles and rolls onto his side. He explores my face with his fingers and stares down at me as if I might disappear if he closes them again. In them, there’s more than the reflection from before. In Xander’s eyes, I see the fire we need to walk through, the one he’s stayed away from because he’s terrified how much it will hurt for him to take the step into the flames. I shake, overwhelmed by everything he’s giving me.

“Did I mention that I love you?”

“Yes. At least you told me before the world ends,” I joke.

He pulls a stern face, so I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer. We lie together and a peace I never expected to find with Xander flows between us. Our hearts beat in a matching rhythm as we move forward towards something new.