CHAPTER 16
Jasper
He meant to say more. He was fine, he was dandy, everything was wonderful… but the words didn’t make it out of his mouth. They barely made it through his head. Everything was fuzzy. And cold.
“You’re naked and bleeding in the snow on a mountainside in the middle of nowhere.”
Jasper grinned into Abigail’s shoulder. She sounded so annoyed. “’s alright,” he managed to croak. “’s not a problem.”
Her irritated tsk warmed his heart. Which was good, because a lot of the rest of him was really cold. Really, really cold.
“And you’re a dragon. And… I need to get you back to the car,” Abigail muttered. Probably to herself. But Jasper agreed. Car. That was a good idea.
He tried to help as she put his arm over her shoulder and led him back down the hillside, but his foots weren’t walking properly. Feets. Feet. Legs. Wings. No! No wings. If he couldn’t walk he definitely couldn’t fly. Also, he would probably squish Abigail if he shifted now. That would be bad. That would be so bad.
Something smacked into his stomach and Jasper looked down. A car? He was sure he hadn’t left the car here. “Wassat?”
“My shitty car,” Abigail said. Her voice seemed to be floating somewhere under his left elbow. He was sure she didn’t used to be that short. Except— his elbow was higher than it usually was. Because it was on her shoulder! He remembered now.
He tried to explain his line of reasoning to Abigail as she tipped him into the passenger seat, but wasn’t sure if he did it very well.
Warm air blasted him in the face. “At least the heating’s working,” Abigail muttered from the driver’s seat. He gazed across at her. She was so beautiful. Especially when she was frowning at him like that. And biting her lip. “Your place is further up this road, right?”
He nodded. “Mmm,” he said, eloquently, and dozed off. Abigail. Car. His place. Good.
* * *
Jasper jerked awake. “Nrrr,” he said urgently. “Turn off here.”
“Here?” The car slowed down and Jasper felt Abigail tap him on the cheek. “Are you even awake?”
“Yes,” Jasper insisted. He blinked until his eyes focused in on her. This was important. She could not drive straight up to the Heartwell lodge. That would be… awkward. Terrible. All the bad things.
Abigail raised her eyebrows. “Am I going to take the word of a naked, half-frozen man-dragon, to turn down this road towards a house that may exist only in his raving dreams… or the proof of my own eyes, which can definitely see a house up ahead here?” She pointed and Jasper groaned. The Heartwell lodge was clearly visible a few miles up the road.
He turned to Abigail, summoning his most imploring face. “Raving man-dragon. Please.”
Abigail squeezed her eyes shut. “Fine,” she grumbled, and hauled on the wheel. Gravel crunched under the car wheels as they started down the side-road.
That’s good, Jasper thought. Take her home. Proper home. No Cole jumping on her. Home… hoard…
He reached out one hand and put it on her thigh, reassuring himself she was still there. She felt hot, even through her pants. Or maybe he was cold still? Something to think about. Later. After a short nap…
* * *
Jasper hadn’t thought ahead enough to wonder what to expect when he and Abigail reached his cottage. But whatever he might have expected, it wasn’t waking up half-in a steaming hot bath. He flailed.
“Hey! Watch it!” Abigail squeaked. “Jeez, you’re heavy enough even without— just get in, will you?”
Jasper paused. His mind was still cotton-candy-fuzzy, but he was awake enough to take account of where he was. Inside. Hot bath. Abigail’s arms under his armpits, lowering him into bath.
“Mmm,” he moaned, and relaxed down into the tub. “’s good.”
“I should hope so. You’re freezing, it’s all I could think of…”
Jasper’s dragon tensed. Abigail’s voice was brittle with worry. He turned around, holding onto the edge of the bath and seeking out his mate’s face.
She met his eyes and sat down on the floor with a thud, reaching over the edge of the tub to hug his shoulders. He could feel her muscles shaking.
“Abigail…” he murmured. Her name didn’t hurt to think or say anymore. It sat like an ember in the very center of his heart, warming his soul.
“You wouldn’t wake up,” she whispered into his shoulder. “You were so cold, and you were bleeding— and then you weren’t bleeding, and it looked like all your cuts were, were gone, but you were even colder…”
And you dragged me out of the car and in here, terrified out of your mind. Jasper kissed her neck until she stopped shaking, and then lifted her chin off his shoulder. “You did exactly the right thing,” he reassured her. It wasn’t the hot bath that was sending energy through his veins, though. It was her. Just her, being here, with him.
It was almost perfect. Jasper’s mind was clearing. “There’s only one other thing I need right now,” he said, his voice husky.
“Anything— hey!” Abigail protested as he looped his arms around her and started to pull her over the side of the tub. “I’m still wearing all my clothes!”
Jasper kissed her. “I know.” He rose up, pressing his chest against hers— and leaned backwards, pulling her with him.
“You—” Abigail put her hands on his chest, pushing him away, and an adorable line appeared between her eyebrows. “Is this a…”
Her voice trailed away and she bit her lower lip.
“Go on,” urged Jasper, his heart racing. She’d seen him. She’d seen him as a dragon, and she had seen him shift. He wanted to hear her say it.
Abigail’s cheeks went pink. “I…” She groaned and ducked her head. “God, this sounds so stupid. I thought you were a dragon. But I must have been dreaming, or hallucinating from the shock— just like I thought you were injured worse than you actually are…”
Jasper a finger under her chin and lifted her head back up. “You weren’t dreaming or hallucinating,” he murmured. Abigail’s eyes went wide, and inside him, Jasper’s dragon preened. “I can turn into a dragon.”
“Bullshit.”
Jasper laughed out loud. “Bullshit? You saw it.”
“I saw—” Abigail’s face had been tense with self-doubt, but now it cleared. Her eyes shone. “I did see it. You were a dragon, and then you turned into… into you. It was amazing. Magical.”
She relaxed against him, and Jasper took advantage of her inattention to scoop her up and pull her on top of himself in the bath. She shrieked and splashed until he pacified her with a passionate kiss.
“God dammit,” she grumbled into his lips. “You couldn’t have waited for me to get undressed?”
“No.” Jasper felt as though sunlight was running through his veins. He worked his way under Abigail’s jacket and sweater until his fingers found her skin, warm and soft and wonderful. “There wasn’t time.” He kissed her again. “I needed you. I need you. Here. Right now.” Another kiss. “No time to lose.”
Abigail’s cheeks were even pinker now. Droplets of water clung to her eyelashes like tiny diamonds. She had never looked more beautiful. “You needed me? Is that a… a dragon thing?”
Jasper stroked her lower back, drawing small circles with his palm. “Partly,” he admitted. He nipped her lower lip before she could bite down on it. “Mostly, I didn’t want to spend another moment without you in my arms.”
He lay back in the bathtub, the water lapping around his chest. Abigail moved with him, lying with her head resting on his shoulder. Jasper could already feel the strength returning to his limbs. And… other places.
Was it only hours ago that he’d given up hope? And now everything his heart desired was here, in his arms.
“I was lost, and you found me. You brought me back,” he murmured.
He looked down at his precious, beautiful Abigail. His mate. Her jacket, soaking wet and heavy, covered them both like a blanket; under it she was wearing sensible pants and a warm knit sweater. The ends of her hair were wet, floating on the surface of the water like delicate seaweed. And her face was pale.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, sweeping a wet strand of hair behind her ear. Abigail squeezed her eyes shut briefly.
“I almost didn’t come,” she admitted in a whisper. “I thought— after last night— when I freaked out at you… you wouldn’t want anything to do with me.”
Jasper’s arms tightened around her of their own accord. “Never,” he said firmly. “And, remember. You’re not the only one who freaked out.”
“I…” Abigail grimaced and pushed herself upright. The bath was big enough so that they could both sit in it comfortably; Jasper waited as she settled herself at the other end, then reached out for her hand. She took his immediately. “I came here to apologize, and explain, and I— wait.” Her eyes searched his, suddenly tense. “You freaked out, too? Is that why… Oh, God.” She seemed to crumple in on herself. “Was that because of me? You getting hurt?”
Guilt lanced across her face. Jasper leaned forward, cupping her cheek. The need to reassure her tangled with the truth on his lips, tying his tongue in knots.
Abigail covered his hand with her own and took a deep breath. “It is, isn’t it? I drove you off, and you turned into a dragon and… hurt yourself. It’s all my fault.”
“No. No, Abigail, it’s not like that.” Jasper pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it. She looked so small and lost. He needed to fix that. “It’s— it’s another dragon thing. Usually, I’m in balance with my dragon. I can control when I shift. But I’m… I’m not completely well, at the moment.”
“You’re sick?”
“Not quite.” Jasper ran his thumb over Abigail’s knuckles, staring deep into her eyes. “This Christmas is a… well, it was always going to be a difficult time for me.”
“And I made it worse.” Abigail’s mouth went tight and she looked away.
“No. You made it better. So much better than I ever could have imagined. What happened last night was…” Jasper hunted for a way to explain that wasn’t too much, too fast. Abigail looked like she was on the edge of breaking down already. He couldn’t push her over the edge. “My dragon isn’t the sharpest spoon in the drawer. When it thought you didn’t want us anymore, didn’t want me, it almost broke out. I’m sorry I ran away. It was either that or shift in the middle of town.” He paused. “Maybe I should have.”
Abigail made a noise that was half-hiccup, half-laughter. “Last night? In the middle of the square? I would have freaked out so hard, I went into orbit.” She pulled her hand off her cheek and wiped her face, then sat with both of Jasper’s hands in her own, staring hard at the surface of the water. “I drove you away. No, don’t try to tell me I didn’t. I drove you away, and I meant to. That’s what I have to explain.”
Jasper’s dragon shook inside him. He knew that if he hadn’t been holding Abigail’s hands, it would have been last night all over again. He pushed his dragon down, reminding it that she had come to him; that she had saved him; that she had seen him shift, and brought him here to care for him, and hadn’t run away. The least he and his dragon could do was hear her out without busting the roof off the cottage and disappearing into the sky.
He kept his eyes fixed on Abigail as she spoke. She kept hers fixed on the water.
“I told you I hate Christmas, but I never told you why. When I was a kid, I guess I looked forward to it as much as anyone. Santa, presents, carols, a big Christmas tree with decorations and a star on top… all of that. I was too young to realize those aren’t the important things about Christmas.
“After my parents separated, all of that stopped. I figured out pretty quick that Santa didn’t exist. The first year, my parents were meant to have Christmas together. I think Mom wanted to give it one last go. One last attempt at playing Happy Families. We did up the whole house, tree, outdoor lights, everything. She spent all the day before cooking.”
Jasper’s stomach twisted. He could guess what was coming.
“Dad never turned up. Mom couldn’t eat anything after she realized he wasn’t coming, she said it made her feel sick, so we just threw everything out. Decorations, presents, all of it.” Abigail took a deep breath. “The next year, Dad was meant to take me for part of the day, but he didn’t. Or any year after that.”
She wiped her face again and sniffed. “At first I thought it was my fault. That if I hadn’t been there that first Christmas after they separated, if I hadn’t asked for so many presents, maybe Mom and Dad would have gotten back together. I mean, obviously that’s stupid. They wouldn’t have. I figured that out soon enough. But every year that Dad didn’t come and see me…
“I learned not to expect anything for Christmas. Or even to want to expect anything, because it’s so easy to be disappointed even if you tell yourself you’re not going to be. So after Mom passed, I moved up here, and I stopped doing Christmas at all. I spent a few years just drinking through the holiday, and then I got it under control. I came up with a system that worked for me. My Christmas System. As much work as I could manage without passing out behind the counter, and then home to sleep. Rinse, repeat. So long as I didn’t allow myself any time to think about what I was missing out on, I was fine.” She grimaced. “And a good helping of convincing myself it was all bullshit and I wasn’t missing out on anything, anyway.
“And then you came along.”
“And turned your system upside down.” Jasper’s heart was breaking for his mate. All those years of thinking she wasn’t good enough. “I wish I’d found you years ago. You deserve so much better than that.”
“It was the only way I could think of to deal with it. Telling myself that the reason I never tried, never reached out to anyone, was because there was nothing about Christmas that I wanted. Christmas trees, and carols, and presents— as if that was all that Christmas was about.” Her voice went small. “I don’t think I even realized how unhappy I was, still, until I met you. And once I did, I was so afraid. I thought, this can’t last, and what happens when everything goes wrong and you decide I’m not worth the effort anymore?”
Jasper’s chest twisted. He thought he understood. “Last night, taking me up to the attic— that was you reaching out. A Christmassy olive branch. And when we found the leak…”
“I couldn’t handle it. I thought, this must be it. I tried to break out of my shell, and the universe smacked me down.” Abigail bit her lip, but this time Jasper didn’t find it adorable. He felt heartsick.
“I didn’t know,” he said softly, knowing it wasn’t enough.
Abigail snorted, blinking hard. “Well, I tried not to go around advertising just how fucked up I am, so that’s no surprise.”
Jasper squeezed her hands. Everything made sense. Of course she had pulled away— she’d thought everything was falling down around her, so she’d ripped the band-aid off quickly rather than drawing it out. His heart hurt for her. If he’d only told her sooner…
“I knew you were scared,” he told her, and she looked up at him, startled. “Not why, but I knew something was wrong. There had to be a reason you were so spiky.” He smiled sadly at her. “I should have told you I was a dragon shifter earlier. I should have explained you never had to be afraid that I would leave you. But I was scared, too.”
Abigail frowned. “You were scared. But you—” She half-laughed and waved one hand, sending droplets flying. “You can turn into a dragon. What could you possibly be afraid of?”
“Being alone.” Inside him, Jasper’s dragon shuddered. This was it. He had to tell her the whole truth. “And losing myself.”
Abigail stared at him. Her eyes were red-rimmed, but clear, and filled with concern.
Jasper steeled himself, and told her everything.