His hands were shaking.
Eli gripped Max’s leash with one hand and shoved the other in his pocket, hoping to hell Melissa didn’t notice.
They had just saved a man’s life, and the reaction to that overwhelmed and humbled him.
This wasn’t the first time he had saved someone’s life. He had been a combat physician and had worked in some nasty hot spots all over the world. For several years, his focus had been refugee camps and providing help and education in war-torn villages, where his patients were usually light on hope and heavy on physical ills from all they had endured.
His efforts weren’t always successful.
Too often, there was nothing he could do.
He knew that was the reason for his physical reaction now that the crisis had passed.
Somehow he had traveled back in his memory to the last time he had performed CPR on someone. When he had desperately tried to revive Justine even as he watched her life seep away.
He hadn’t really expected Jim to survive. CPR didn’t always work and even AED machines couldn’t always shock a person’s heart back after it had sustained significant damage.
He didn’t know what Jim’s chances were for long-term recovery, but at least his heart was beating on its own now. Eli had to be grateful for that.
He tried to blink away the image of Justine, of Miri, of those others who had been injured in that suicide bombing, but they remained burned in his mind.
That time, the outcome had been far different. Miri had died instantly. He had known the moment he had raced onto the scene. Justine had survived only moments, conscious and in agony for perhaps thirty seconds after he arrived, until she stopped breathing.
Despite all his efforts, despite the full hour of compressions he had done as they transported her to the makeshift refugee-center hospital. He had done CPR long after his arms started to burn with agony and his back muscles cramped.
The hell of it was, he had known almost from the beginning that she would not survive, and still he had tried. How could he have done anything else?
He let out a slow breath, aware of the cold, hollow ache in his stomach.
“You okay?” Melissa asked as they approached Brambleberry House, her forehead wrinkling with concern as she studied him.
“Fine.”
She gave him a searching look but didn’t call him on his short answer, which she had to know was a lie. “I’m glad you are, because I’m a wreck,” she said instead, with a ragged-sounding little laugh.
“Why?”
“I only wanted to take my favorite dog out for a run. I never expected to play a small part in saving someone’s life.”
“Not a small part,” he corrected. “You were fantastic. You kept Carol calm, focused the dispatcher and helped with rescue breathing when I needed it. We made an excellent team.”
She looked surprised and pleased at the completely warranted praise. “Thanks. I’m just glad I was there so I could help. I think the remainder of today is going to seem a little anticlimactic, don’t you?
“Probably.”
“If only I could persuade my ogre of a boss to give me the rest the day off.”
“If only he wasn’t such a jerk and you didn’t have a full caseload of patients today, he probably would have been happy to give you some time off.”
“I guess we’ll never know,” she said as they reached the beach-access gate leading into the Brambleberry House gardens.
Her humor made him smile. For some reason he didn’t quite understand, that made him feel guilty about Justine and Miri all over again. It didn’t seem right that he could smile and joke with a beautiful woman who made him desperately want to forget.
Some of his emotional turmoil must have shown on his features.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t seem as happy as I might have expected, considering a very fortunate man is alive because of you.”
He didn’t speak for a long moment, unable to articulate the morass of emotions inside him. He should make some excuse and be on his way. If he wanted to stop at the hospital in Seaside before seeing patients, he had to hurry.
Still, he wanted to confide in her, for reasons he didn’t wholly understand.
“This morning seemed to dredge up some things,” he confided. “The last patient I performed CPR on didn’t make it.”
“Oh, Eli,” she said. Her expression was drenched with compassion. “I’m sorry. That must be tough. But I can honestly say, seeing you in action today, I’m positive you did everything you could.”
Had he? He wanted to think so but wasn’t sure he would ever be convinced of that.
“You understand that not every battle we fight as health care professionals can or should be won,” she went on softly.
“Yeah. I know. There have been plenty of times when I’ve had to accept I can’t change the inevitable and that it is not in the patient’s best interest to try.” He paused. “It’s harder when it’s someone you know.
“The person you lost was someone you cared about.”
He didn’t know how she could possibly know that, yet she spoke the words as a quiet statement, not a question.
“Yes.” He was appalled when emotions welled up in his throat, making it impossible for him to force any more words out around them.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured again. She placed her hand on his arm in a small gesture of comfort.
“Thanks,” he answered, more touched by her compassion than he could ever say. “I thought I had dealt with it, but apparently not.”
“You didn’t show your reaction when it mattered, in the heat of the moment, when you had work to do. I was right there beside you and had no idea what you were going through. You were professional, composed, in full command of the situation. I imagine that’s something they teach you in the military. Do what has to be done when it matters, then react later.”
“I guess.”
“Was it another soldier you lost?”
He gripped Max’s leash a little more tightly. “Justine was an aid worker. She was from a small town outside Paris, a doctor with Doctors Without Borders, in the last refugee camp where I was helping out. We...became friends.”
More than friends, but he didn’t want to tell Melissa that now.
“She died in a suicide bombing at a market square along with fifteen others.” Including Miri. Sweet, smiling, innocent Miri. “I was a few hundred yards away when it happened, first on the scene.”
“Oh, Eli. I’m so sorry. That must have been so difficult.”
He acknowledged her sympathy with a nod. “It was. The situations aren’t the same at all, except for the CPR part. For some reason, that brought everything back.”
“Will you be okay?”
He forced his features into a smile, wishing he hadn’t brought the subject up at all. “I’m fine. Thanks for worrying about me.”
“In your professional opinion, Dr. Sanderson, is it appropriate for us to hug? I could sure use one, after everything that’s happened this morning.”
He didn’t consider himself necessarily a physical person, but he really craved the comfort of Melissa’s arms right about now. “I could use one, actually.”
He wrapped his arms around her and she sagged against him with a little sigh, wrapping her arms around his waist.
It felt so damn good, warm and personal and kind. He had needed a hug for a long time.
He and Justine hadn’t been in love. She was more concerned with saving humanity than starting up a relationship with him or anyone else. Still, their relationship had been a bright, happy spot in a miserable situation, and her death had filled him with a complex mix of guilt, grief and deep regret that her shining light to the world had been extinguished.
Melissa’s arms tightened around him and she rested her head against his chest, soft and sweet and vulnerable.
After a few more moments, his sadness seemed to trickle away, replaced by something far more dangerous.
Maybe this hug between them wasn’t such a good idea. His body was suddenly reminding him that he was still very much alive, and he could think of several excellent ways to reinforce that.
She made a soft, breathy sound and his groin tightened. He’d had a thing for Melissa for a long time. Having her in his arms now was better than anything he could have imagined.
And he shouldn’t be here.
“I should, uh, probably go,” he said.
She sighed and stepped away, and he instantly wanted to gather her close again. It was only a simple embrace. Why did it fill him with such peace?
“I’m proud of what you did. You saved a man’s life, and I was honored to be part of it.” She smiled a little and, before he realized what she intended, she stood on tiptoe and kissed the corner of his mouth.
For a moment, he stood frozen, stunned into immobility. Her lips were soft and tasted like strawberries and cream, his very favorite dessert. He felt her breath on his skin, warm and delicious, and the heat of her where she stood close to him.
More.
That little taste wasn’t enough. Not by a long shot. She eased her mouth away after that first little brush of her lips against his. He wasn’t fully aware of moving his mouth to more fully meet hers, but he must have. One moment her lips were barely touching the edge of his mouth, the next he had turned his head so that he could capture her mouth in a true kiss.
She made a little sound in her throat, a gasp or a sigh, he wasn’t sure which, and her breath seemed to catch, then she kissed him back. Her arms were still around his waist from their hug and now they tightened, pulling him closer.
She was the most delicious thing he’d ever tasted, and the sweetness of her kiss and the incredible rightness of her arms around him seemed to wash over Eli like cleansing, healing rain. He kissed her with an urgency bordering on desperation, afraid he would never have the chance again to stand with her between the ocean and a flower garden, afraid he would never again know a kiss like this, one that moved him to his soul.
He should not be doing this.
The thought whispered to him over and over, quietly at first, then with increasing intensity.
She worked for him. For his father, technically, but right now for him. This was highly inappropriate, and he needed to stop this moment.
He started to pull away, but she made a soft, sexy little sound and pressed her body against him, as if she couldn’t bear to let him go. It was like a match held to dry kindling, the only spark needed for him to ignite. He deepened the kiss, pulling her tightly against him.
He wanted her more than he remembered wanting anything in a long time.
All week as they had worked together, he had been trying not to admit that to himself. He had forced himself to view her strictly as a colleague, a nurse whose dedication and abilities he admired.
Now he could admit he had been lying to himself. Now, with her here in his arms, he could no longer deny it. He saw her as far more than that.
He had a thing for Melissa Fielding and had from the time he was eighteen. She had been the prettiest girl in town, with her big green eyes and her generous smile and the kindness that had always been part of her.
He couldn’t have her then because she had eyes only for the jock and popular kid, Cody Fielding.
He couldn’t have her now because of a hundred different reasons, mostly because he couldn’t be the kind of man she needed.
All those reasons he needed to put a stop to this now, before things skyrocketed out of control, raced through his brain, and he tried to find the strength to heed the warnings. He couldn’t do it. She felt too damn right in his arms, as perfect and lovely as a spring morning on Cannon Beach.
She was the one who finally pulled away, easing her mouth slowly from his, her breathing ragged and her eyes dazed and aroused.
A mischievous wind seemed to slide around them, warm and rose scented, though that didn’t make sense since it was too early for roses in the Brambleberry House gardens by about a month.
Eli lowered his arms from around her, the magnitude of what had just happened hitting him like a huge Japanese glass fishing ball dropped from the highest branches of the big pine tree on the edge of the garden.
He had just kissed Melissa Blake Fielding—and not a simple kiss, either, but a hot, passionate, openmouthed kiss that couldn’t be mistaken for anything but what it was. A clear declaration that he wanted her.
“That was...not supposed to happen.” Her voice sounded breathless, thready, sexy as hell.
“Agreed.” He ran a hand through his hair, not sure how to respond.
“I’m not completely sure what did happen,” she admitted. “I meant to just kiss you on the cheek and then somehow...things sort of exploded.”
He had wanted them to explode. Something about the emotional turmoil of the morning had lowered all his defenses, allowing heat and aching hunger to filter through.
“We have both just been through something intense. Sometimes when that happens, when adrenaline spikes and then crashes, people can react in strange ways.”
“That must be it.” She didn’t look particularly convinced and he couldn’t blame her. He had been through plenty of intense things in the military and had never used that as an excuse to tangle tongues with anybody else.
“It was extremely inappropriate of me to kiss you,” he said, his voice stiff.
“Was it?” She blinked, clearly at a loss to understand what he meant.
He sighed and took a step farther away, though he knew the opposite side of the beach wouldn’t be far enough to make him want her less.
“Technically, I’m your boss. You work for me. In some corners, this might be considered workplace harassment.”
She stiffened. “We are not in the workplace right now. And for the record, you did not harass me. I kissed you first.”
“A kiss on the cheek. And then I turned it into something else.”
“I wanted you to,” she admitted. “I kissed you right back. Did you miss that part?”
He frowned. “It still shouldn’t have happened.”
“Maybe not, but nobody harassed anybody. And technically, I work for your father, not you. You’re just the substitute doctor.”
He gave a half laugh, not sure whether to be relieved or offended. “You’re right. I’m leaving again as soon as my dad is on his feet.”
Her features froze for a moment, then she gave a tight smile. “End of story, then. It happened, we can’t change it, so let’s just move on from here.”
He sighed, not knowing what else to say. “Right. Well, I apologize for any inappropriateness on my part and promise it won’t happen again.”
Again, she offered that tight smile. “Great. Now I really do need to get going. You might not be justified in firing me because of the way I kiss, but you could if I’m an hour late to work.”
“This morning’s events more than excuse your tardiness.”
“I’ll let you try to get that one past Carmen and Tiffany,” she said. “I’ll see you at work.”
He waited until she and her neighbor’s dog moved out of sight before he gripped Max’s leash and hurried toward his father’s house, wishing he had time for a quick jump in the cold Pacific before he headed into the office.