Chapter 16 – Revelations

“Stay,” he begged.

“Alex, please. I need to go,” I responded as I zipped up my dress.

“But why? I already told you, I’m not expecting anything. I just want to have you sleep beside me,” he argued.

“You and I both know that if I stay, we won’t be sleeping.”

We had spent hours giving in to our primal urges, our marathon session taking us into the early morning. I felt dull aches in my arms and legs. Physically I was exhausted. Every cell in my body had been awakened through the night; he had had me so many times, each time more intense than the last. He was by far the most accomplished lover I’d ever had.

“Stay.” He begged one last time.

“I’ll text you later,” I assured as I drew him into a deep kiss.

The sun was just coming up as I entered my apartment to Matt’s angry voice. “That is fucking bullshit, are you fucking blind? Come on!!” As I rounded the corner into the living room I saw Matt was yelling at the TV. He had taken full advantage of my Foxtel package and was watching ESPN. “This is such shit... my 85 year old grandmother would have seen that was pass interference. What the Fuck?!” he roared, his face flushed with anger.

“Everything ok, Matt?” I cautiously inquired.

“Yeah, Yeah...we’re getting robbed by the refs! Alabama are playing LSU at Death Valley... Such bad calls!” I sat down on the couch beside him and tried to follow the game.

“Alabama? You’re from Texas...” I queried, slightly perplexed.

“Yeah my Dad went to ‘Bama on a scholarship. He played ball... I kind of had no choice,” he smirked. “This is one of the greatest rivalries in College football, always promises to be a good game - Roll Tide baby!!” I couldn’t imagine being that excited about a game, regardless of the sport, but it was amusing to watch. Matt became more and more animated with each passing play.

“So...” He started, giving me a sideways glance. “You’re getting home late.”

“You keeping tabs?” I uttered, a little annoyed.

“No, just a little worried, that’s all. I know what’s going on Lexi. I just want to make sure you’re ok.” He turned, giving me his full attention.

“What do you mean - you know what’s going on?” I retorted defensively.

“Lex, it’s 6am. You’re really going to try and tell me you weren’t with someone?” He pursued further.

“Matt, please don’t ask,” I begged, not wanting to have to that conversation right now.

“Okay, Okay” he conceded “Just remember, I’m here if you want to talk.” He turned back to the TV before continuing “That is if I don’t have a fucking heart attack over this fucking game! COME ON!” I left him alone to enjoy his game and I collapsed into my bed. I overheard his muffled cursing and irritation. LSU obviously had won the game. Pots and pans clattered in the kitchen but I was too tired to get up and commiserate with him. My eyes got heavier and finally sleep came.

When my eyes finally did open it was 11am and my last Sunday in my apartment. Matt was still in a foul mood so I decided the best course of action was to take him out. I was leaving in three more days and I’d spent so much time distracted, lately we had barely spent any time together.

“Come on, let’s go out... Get dressed and I’ll buy you lunch.” I hounded Matt.

“Not in the mood,” he grunted, hunched on the couch still in his boxer shorts, watching mindless television. Ordinarily I loved the fact that he was in a state of undress but I saw how depressed he was and I wanted to try and cheer him up. I knew it was times like this that he missed home the most.

“I’m not accepting no as an answer. Get your ass in the shower and let’s go OUT. We’ll go where ever you want, I’ll even let you drive.”

Matt had relished the few times he had driven my car. He’d adapted to the logistical changes of driving on the left side of the road quickly and rarely needed prompting. Of course he was used to driving in major American cities with huge populations, so Melbourne wasn’t much of a challenge other than making sure he stayed on the correct side of the road.

“Go.” I pushed him off the couch. “I can smell you from here,” I teased. He pulled a face before reluctantly agreeing.

“I’m going, I’m going...”

As soon as I heard the shower turn on, I checked my laptop for emails. I shifted through my inbox - work stuff, work stuff, email from Kate (I was already missing her), email from Rachael (she was having a ball in Texas and never wanted to come back) more work stuff... Ooooo Victoria’s Secret were having a sale.

“Looking at Porn before noon Lexi?” Matt grinned, his body still wet from the shower. We had become so comfortable around each other that it wasn’t uncommon for either of us to walk around in our underwear or a towel, as was now the case. After all, he’d promised me ass so it was only fair.

“It’s not porn, it’s lingerie smart ass!” I jeered.

“Mmmmmm yeah I see, why don’t you go have your shower and I’ll look through your porn, I mean lingerie,” he insisted.

“Glad to see your mood’s improved.” I hugged his wet, toned chest.

“Go” He mimicked me and slapped me on my ass as I walked past.

It felt so nice, the shower jets gently massaging my sensitive skin as the water washed away the evidence of my sex-fuelled evening. I took my time shampooing and conditioning my hair before exfoliating my body with my giant pink loofah. I had just turned the taps off when I vaguely heard a knock at the door and some distant voices. Ughhhh it was bound to be door to door sales people peddling providers for internet, power, phone or religion, none of which interested me. I had been known to slam the door in their face but I knew Matt was too polite for that. Ha! I grinned, just remembering he was wearing only a towel. Perhaps by the end of the conversation it would be them who required the salvation. I chuckled at the thought. I grabbed a fluffy white towel and threw it around my body. I couldn’t let Matt have all the fun; I walked out of my bathroom.

“Lexi, you have a guest.” Matt announced curtly. Alex glared at my semi-naked dripping body and his eyes narrowed.

“I’ll go get dressed, shall I, and leave you two to chat then.” Matt’s voice broke the uncomfortable silence.

“Huh... well I knew you were insatiable but even I’m surprised at this latest development.” He didn’t even try to hide his agitation.

“Alex, what the hell are you doing here?” My frosty tone matched his.

“Well, I missed you and thought it would be nice to take you to lunch,” Alex snarled “and I have to admit I was curious to see your apartment... and I thought you might enjoy the surprise. Of course I didn’t mean to interrupt your post coital buzz.” His ice blue eyes glared accusingly.

“He’s my roommate, asshole. Why do you assume I’m screwing him?” I snapped back indignantly.

“Roommate?” He questioned, “Not once did you ever mention a roommate. You’d think something like that would have come up in conversation.”

“I didn’t think I had to! You’re not my boyfriend!” I was unable to hide the hurt and anger in my voice. “Is that how little you think of me, that I would hop from one man to the next? He is a good friend and he is staying with me but that doesn’t mean he shares my bed! I agreed to no one else! ”

Perhaps this arrangement wasn’t going to work. Either way I did not want to stand in my lounge room, half naked, and justify my living arrangements “Look I need to go get dressed, and I’m sorry but I have plans for lunch.” Without waiting for a response I turned and walked into my bedroom. He followed me, shutting the door behind him.

“What?” I demanded. He sauntered over to me, taking my chin in his hand before gently stroking my cheek. His voice mellowed and I could see the contrition in his eyes.

“I’m sorry... I saw him and I thought you’d left my bed to go to his and I just couldn’t handle that. I’ve never been the jealous type, but with you it’s different. Then seeing him like that, then you... ughhhhh you have to admit, it looked bad…”

“Alex...” I started.

“Shhhhhh,” he put his finger to my lips “no explanations. You’re right. I’m just not very good at sharing you. I’m sorry I over reacted.” He tried to pull my rigid body into his arms, it was evident that he wanted to convince me that this would work.

Matt tapped on my door. “Lexi, you ok?”

“Yeah, it’s ok. I’ll be out in a minute” I called back. “Alex, I need to get dressed, you should go.” I gestured to the door while clutching at my towel. He hesitated as if searching for words that he hadn’t yet formulated.

He turned, hesitating before the door. “I’ll see you soon Lexi.” He opened the door and walked out.

Matt, now fully dressed, took Alex’s place in the room. His eyes surveyed me. “Lexi...”

“Don’t start, I don’t need another lecture” I sneered.

“Lexi, I’m just worried about you. Tell me what’s going on. I know you are sleeping with him, that’s obvious.” I slumped to the floor, my emotions coming to the boil.

“That’s all it was supposed to be, we were just going to sleep together. Things have changed. I don’t know if I can do this? Do what he wants, I mean. Maybe I’m not a girl who’s capable of it.” I sobbed, “He even thought I was sleeping with you! Like I could do that... I’m just not girlfriend material.” Matt sat down beside me, pulling me into a tight embrace.

“Lexi, you are so beautiful, talented and confident. You achieve what most of us only dream of; you seem to have no fear. So why is it that you are so scared of commitment?” he questioned.

“I won’t be hurt again.” I whispered. “I won’t lose my sense of self, be isolated, be consumed, be discarded again.” The pained words escaped my lips.

Matt took my face in his hands. “Lexi, what the fuck? That is not what a relationship is. When you care for someone you don’t do that. You don’t hurt them. Why would you think like that?” He hesitated before asking “Did someone do that to you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I whispered. The ghost of the memory affecting me more than I cared to admit.

“Lexi, you are going to talk about it. Tell me, who was this guy and how did he screw with your head so much?”

“It was a long time ago,” I fired back “I’m a different person now. I wish he could see this. See Me! See who I am! See what I have become! See how strong I am despite the complete mind fuck he gave me.” My voice was foreign and strained through my clenched jaw.

Matt studied me carefully, his eyes not resting as they searched my face. I didn’t want to relive this, not now, not after so long. “Lexi, will you tell me about it, please?” He kissed me lightly on my forehead. My body was covered in goose bumps, I wasn’t sure if it was from the fact that I was sitting on the floor in nothing more than a damp towel, or the topic of conversation. He wasn’t going to let this go, I was going to have to face my demons.

Matt pulled the duvet off my bed and wrapped it around me; his arms encircling me once more in their protective hold. “Lexi, I’m here. Let me be that person for you, everyone needs someone.”

“I guess I’m so used to being on my own,” I started “My mum and Dad weren’t abusive, they were downright normal, but they just weren’t interested in me. I was not what they had envisaged as a daughter. I’m sure I was a great disappointment. I just got used to it, to their indifference, their lack of attention and lack of support - I used it to spur me on, to better myself, to move on. I wasn’t a victim, I evolved but I guess part of me still hoped to fill that void. To be loved, to be adored. I never got that from them. So when HE came into the picture, I was primed. He saw that in me, he knew, he saw my weakness.” I took a breath before continuing, “I was in my first year of Uni. Young, full of life, lots of friends - the typical stuff. I was far from being a virgin but I’d never had a real boyfriend. He pursued me, he was charming. I have to admit, I liked being chased. He made me feel vibrant, alive, important. I guess I missed that as a kid, so it was lacking. Like some fucked up Freudian anomaly. He had found his hook.

“He was subtle in his ways, he would revere me and be so sweet, but there was some small dark undertone that drew me in, like he needed me MORE than I needed him. I imagined we would be amazing together, fulfilling each other’s needs, sharing our dreams, desires. He made it look like HE was dependent on me, like he was the one who needed care. He made me feel like I was in the driver’s seat. I would buy him clothes and would always pay when we went out. It made me feel empowered. We were both students but he didn’t have a job or a car so I was happy to do this for him, for us. He told me he loved me, that he would die without me. He told me how much I meant to him and to my affection-starved ears those words were exactly what I needed to hear.

“We would spend every second together; I would ditch my classes just to be with him. I started seeing my friends less and less. I rationalized that this was what love was and that’s what you do but they didn’t understand. A few tried to warn me about him but I thought they were jealous, that they wanted what I had. A man who worshiped me, who wanted to be with me all the time - surely that showed how much he loved me? Time wore on and his subtle ways became more blatant but by this stage I was desensitized, reliant on his attention, his affection. It was my fault. Here was a man who loved me so much and I wasn’t willing to buy him a new computer game or skip the movies with friends to hang out with him? I must have been a horrible girlfriend. He spent my money like it was infinite, I didn’t mind, cause I liked to please him. Then he started to crack my self esteem. Not a lot, just little jabs. I had better skip dessert or I wasn’t going to fit into my jeans; how thin and beautiful his previous girlfriend had been; how much better I would look if I just wore this or styled my hair like that. I wanted to please him so I did, I allowed him to control me. I looked to him for permission, for guidance, for reassurance... for love.

“We had been together just over two years and I was entrenched in his web when the taunts began. How no other man would want me, how lucky I was to be with him, to be with anyone. How fat I was, how ugly, how he understood why my parents found it hard to love me. I believed him, how could I not, he had systematically programmed me to be compliant, to be reliant, to be HIS. I hardly had any friends left, they had dropped off after the repeated times I ditched them to be with him. My family... well, there were no surprises there. I was alone; I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I couldn’t remember the last time I made a decision without considering him, if not consulting him. I was defeated, completely defeated.

“I was tidying up his apartment when I found a receipt for a restaurant. I didn’t recognise it. We hadn’t eaten there and the name didn’t ring any bells. I looked at the time stamp, 4am. In my gut I knew, I knew this wasn’t right but I refused to believe it. He loved me; there must be some kind of explanation. I hid the receipt in my bag and when I got home I called the number... What kind of restaurant operates at 4am? It was a brothel. He had cheated on me with a prostitute. A prostitute Matt, a fucking prostitute. I did anything he wanted sexually, I didn’t understand. Why? Why did he cheat on me? He said he loved me.” I squeaked, my voice barely audible.

Matt stared at me, his mouth open; almost speechless. “What did you do?” he winced.

“I called him, asked him to explain, he admitted to me what he’d done. I wanted to tell him we were through, that it was a deal breaker. I was so devastated; he had been my world for so long. He admitted to visiting the brothel but said he was “Just talking” to the prostitute, because I was so inattentive. He said he had no choice; I had driven him to it. If I wasn’t so distant, so self-engrossed I would have been more available to him. He wouldn’t have needed to seek someone else. The worst part was, I bought it... I believed him. I stayed with him for another 3 months. 3 more months, I let him torment me, cheat on me, break me, blame me until I was literally devoid of any feeling at all, numb. Then when I was no longer able to fight him anymore, he left.” I stared blankly into the distance, remembering how alone and broken I had been.

“Oh my God Lexi, I am so sorry. I am so sorry” Matt kissed my face tenderly. “What kind of monster does that? No wonder you don’t want a relationship. Fuck Lexi... that was fucked up, he was fucked up. You know that right? HE was fucked up, not you - it wasn’t your fault.” His eyes pleaded for me to believe him.

“I allowed myself to slip down the rabbit hole Matt, I allowed myself to not be important, to not matter. I take ownership of that. But yes I know it was a game, I know it was HIS doing. I just can’t take that risk; I can’t take a chance of giving myself again and possibly slipping down that hole once more. It hurt too much, I won’t allow it to happen.” My voice trailed off. Now he knew. When we started our friendship I had told him how fucked up I was, but now he knew.

“Lexi, you know we aren’t all like that right? That was one major asshole but we aren’t ALL like that,” his voice was insistently urgent.

“I know Matt, but I just made a choice for me. That I would be my first priority, seeing no one else was going to do that for me. I needed to. It’s worked out fine until this point. Most guys are fine with sex with no strings, sure a couple think that I’m a challenge and try the “let’s date” line but for the most part what I do is safe, it’s secure, there is no risk” I reasoned.

“But Lexi, there are so many things you are missing out on, what real relationships are like- supportive, loving... God I don’t even know where to start. What he did to you, it wasn’t right Lexi, and no one should ever be subjected to that. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t a relationship. It was control,” he growled, his eyes enraged. “Lexi, I think you need to tell Alex...”

“NO!” I snarled, “There is no fucking way, I can’t believe I told you. I am NOT telling Alex.”

“Lexi, he is obviously interested in more than just sex,” he retorted. “He has to know why you are the way you are. So he can understand. He will understand, Lex. He will see why you are keeping your distance. He needs to know.”

“No! It’s probably over anyway. Either way, I’m not telling him,” I confirmed decidedly.

“Lexi, don’t tell me it’s just sex, you know you can’t lie to me. Don’t tell me you don’t feel something for him. He clearly has feelings for you or he wouldn’t have turned up here today. What the fuck is he even doing in town anyway? Shouldn’t he be miles away? You have been so happy the last few weeks and I know he’s the reason, don’t throw it away because of fear, Lex... Don’t let something good end because of a psychopathic asshole who never deserved you.” He warned. “God, I want to find this motherfucker and seriously fuck him up.” My heart warmed at the thought of my friend defending me.

“Matt, it was a long time ago. Look at me, I got through it. I am a stronger person, he isn’t relevant anymore” I muttered.

“Lexi, no one is denying how amazing you are, but you need to know it’s ok to let someone in.” He embraced me tighter.

“I have you, don’t I?” I winked.

“Yeah, of course you have me but this Alex guy, you should give him a chance. Lex, you should allow yourself the chance as well.” He soothed.

“I don’t know Matt, I just don’t know.” I breathed out and shut the conversation down. “No more talking! I’m freezing and I promised you lunch. I’m leaving in a few days and I’ll be damned if the last time we spend together is me crying naked on my floor!”

I lifted myself up and pushed Matt out of my door, finding solace in my now empty room. I was going to shake myself from this mood if it was the last thing I did. Alex’s awkward departure still left a bitter taste in my mouth and I wasn’t sure how I was feeling. Was I hurt that he thought I was sleeping around or was I scared that he seemed to want more commitment? What did I want? Was it really just sex with no strings? Maybe there was more? I sat on the edge of my bed as I contemplated, really searched for what my true, inner voice was trying to say.

Lexi, you are falling in love with him. It was never just sex.

NO! It can’t be. I’ve been so careful. This is not what I signed up for. It’s probably over now anyway, I saw the hurt in his eyes when he left. He wants what I can’t give him and let’s face it; he wasn’t a man exactly “short” on options. He could have his pick of virtually any woman, someone who’d fall all over themselves to please him, who’d be emotionally available too. It’s for the best- it has to be. I have to move on; I have to suck it up. I just need to find a nice piece of ass to distract me until this emotion (whatever it is) passes. I was startled from my train of thought by the buzz of my phone.

- Lexi, I’m sorry. I want to see you. I need to see you. No labels, just us - Alex xx

- Alex, I think we both have to agree this isn’t working out. Maybe it’s best if we just left it here. It’s been fun but I know you want more than I can give you. I don’t think you understand. I’m just not THAT person. I’m sorry. Lexi xx

- No! I won’t lose you Lexi! I can’t! We will work this out. I won’t pressure you to sleep over anymore. Your terms, whatever they are, will be met. I don’t walk away from something I want because it’s too much work- I am not THAT person.

- Just walk away Alex. Lexi xx

Why wouldn’t he just give up? Was he a masochist? Why was this that important to him?

“Lexi?” Matt’s voice snapped me away from my phone.

“Just a minute,” I called as I quickly threw on jeans and a t-shirt, quietly relieved he hadn’t texted back. I examined my reflection, “Ugghhhh... you will do” and walked out into the lounge room.

There sat Matt sharing a beer and what looked to be a relaxed conversation with none other than Alex. My heart jumped up into my throat as I struggled to breathe. I grabbed onto the wall to steady myself from the shock. I watched the two men intently as they turned to face me. Matt stood up and took a step toward me.

“Don’t be pissed Lex,” he warned. “I invited him in.”

“Why would you do that?” I snapped before facing Alex. “Why won’t you just leave?” My voice mixed with anger and agitation. Matt took another step closer in an attempt to block my path to Alex; I think he actually believed I was going to take a swing.

“Because we’re not done yet,” Alex snapped back at me stepping closer toward me, not the slightest bit concerned with the possibility of being on the receiving end of a blow.

“Everyone needs to calm the hell down,” Matt breathed, his body a barrier between the two of us.

“Let me say my piece and then I will walk away, no questions asked,” Alex reaffirmed without hesitation. His voice softened as his clear blue eyes locked onto mine. “I will walk away Lexi, if that’s what you want.”

“Fine, you have 5 minutes, make it count” I shot back, not wanting to sound cruel but unable to help the venomous tone that spilled from my lips.

Matt shifted his weight and turned on his heel to face me. I knew he was only trying to help but my irritation had now extended to him as he looked at me. “Tell him” he mouthed before stepping aside. “I trust you both can keep this civil?” He asked as he cast glances at both Alex and I.

“You have my word,” Alex responded calmly, his gaze remained locked on me.

“Ok then, I’ll be outside.” Matt explained before stepping out the door to give us time and space to “talk”.

Alex moved in closer. “Lexi,” he breathed, tension radiating from his eyes, “I meant what I said earlier, I will not push you for something you don’t want to give me. But you have to admit, we have something here. I know you can feel it. I can’t walk away from it. I can’t walk away from you. Whatever it is that you feel you’re not, it doesn’t matter to me. I only want what you are. Do you understand? I want you in whatever capacity you are willing to give yourself to me.” He took another step closer so that there was very little space between our bodies; I felt the zap of electricity as his hand grazed my arm. He winced as I took a step back.

“Lexi...” he purred as he cocked his head to the side, his eyes filled with confusion “Talk to me, I’m not a mind reader.” I felt my chest constrict as I shook my head. How could I tell him that I desperately wanted to be with him, that every minute I spent with him it was like breathing pure oxygen but I knew that I could never give myself entirely to him? I knew that no matter what he was saying to me now, he would eventually tire of my “unavailability” and he would seek comfort elsewhere. How could I tell him I would never be able to trust him, or myself for that matter, and that the thought of saying or hearing the words “I LOVE YOU” made me want to throw up?

I took a deep breath and tried to regulate my breathing. There was only one resolution to this mess; I would have to let him go. “You misunderstood Alex, this was just sex. There is nothing here. I’m sorry but I feel nothing for you.” I met his gaze and struggled to force the lie out of my mouth, but I didn’t flinch. I couldn’t flinch. I had to do this, if I cared about him, I had to let him go. His eyes swelled with hurt as he searched to read mine.

“You don’t mean that. I know you don’t mean that,” he argued, his brow furrowed as he pressed his mouth into a thin line.

“I’m sorry Alex... I didn’t mean to mislead you. It wasn’t my intention to take it this far. I thought we were just having fun. I’m sorry” I could no longer face him, his face contorted as if I’d delivered a physical blow. I hated watching the pain I knew I was responsible for inflicting, but this was a small price to pay to save us both even greater pain later down the track. I was doing him a favour. He would forget about this, about me and move on. I turned away from him, feeling my voice starting to falter and my resolve waning.

“Just go Alex,” I insisted “there is nothing here for you.” I struggled to keep my tears at bay. I felt him take a step toward me before backing off and letting out a deep sigh.

“Ok Lexi. Good bye,” he whispered and then I heard his footsteps walk out the door.