CHAPTER ONE
Nicole
I KNEW THERE was a good chance I’d never be able to have children. It was pretty much a given when I went through all the chemo, the first time and the last time. I’d come to terms with it—or so I thought.
Then came the K-Quads. Those adorable babies stole my heart and had me longing for one of my own. Then Kadence came along. Oh, that girl stole my heart with just her smile.
Just one. I’d go through chemo every day for the rest of my life if I could have just one. I’d endure the pain—the one where the softest of breezes hurt so much it felt as though my skin were going up in flames.
But it’s not meant to be. Not for me. I know it. I quickly swipe at the tear of self-pity as I make my way to the waiting car.
It wasn’t the babies or Kadi that made me think about it today. No, today it was a female student standing at the entrance to the building I was coming out of. She wasn’t standing alone. She was standing with what looked to be a baby of six months, maybe a little more, strapped to her chest in one of those contraptions Xander loves so much.
It wasn’t the sight of them. It was the way the mother protectively held the child even though it was safely secured. It was the way she smiled as she looked down at the child and cooed some nonsensical noise or word the way we all do when we see an adorable baby. It was the abundance of absent-minded kisses to the baby’s head or cheek, like she just couldn’t help from showing that little touch of affection to her child.
Her child.
I smile a small smile because I know, without doubt or hesitation, that baby will be loved completely, and the mother will give everything of herself. Just as I would if I could have just one.
“WHAT’S WRONG?” Ben asks as I set my backpack on the table in our suite.
I turn and smile as I walk up to hug him close. He always knows.
“What…?” he asks again as he kisses my forehead and rubs circles on my back.
I look up at him, see his worry, and I know I need to talk to him about this now. I can’t hold him off any longer. I shouldn’t have ever tried, and I do feel guilty for worrying him as I have. I just needed to think things through so I knew what I wanted to say.
“Can we sit?” I ask, holding his hand and leading him to an over-sized chair in front of a window that faces the ocean. Ben made sure he got a room with this view. It soothes him. Lucky for me as it soothes me too.
He sits and pulls me to his lap, snuggling me close.
“It’s not bad,” I reassure him, then kiss the tip of his nose.
He looks skeptical. Who could blame him?
“Lately…” I trail off then sigh. I look down at our hands then up to meet his gaze. “For a while I’ve been thinking about… babies. Children. Us starting a family.”
He nods. “And?”
I look up as tears well in my eyes, then blow out a breath, trying so hard not to cry. One traitorous tear falls, trailing over my cheekbone. Ben reaches up and cups that cheek, wiping the tear with his thumb. I lean into his hand, his support, his comfort.
I sniffle and sit up straight. “I know I can’t have biological children, but there are other options.”
“We talked about some of those options already and I told you I didn’t want to go that route,” he reaffirms.
“I know. But… even if the child isn’t mine, it could be yours. We have enough donors. All we’d have to do is choose one, Ben. You could have a child with your blood flowing through its veins. Your DNA.”
“If it doesn’t have any of yours, then I don’t want it. I don’t want to have anyone else as the biological mother of my child. No matter who they are.”
He’s said this before when all the women in residence volunteered to donate their eggs if we went that way. Meggie didn’t. Truthfully, I think the thought of a child of her own freaks her out. I don’t know why, but one day I’ll ask.
“Okay. Then how about adoption?” I ask.
Ben nods. “That’s what I want. There are a lot of kids out there who aren’t being loved right. We’d love them right.”
I tear up at his words. He has so much love to give.
“You’re going to make such a wonderful father.”
He smiles softly. “I already know you’re going to be a wicked amazing mom.”
“Yeah?” I ask, feeling a little doubt. Who wouldn’t? Being a parent is the biggest responsibility there is.
“Definitely.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do.”
Ben kisses my cheek. “We’ll talk to Sera and Cage. They always seem to know everything. Hopefully they can point us in the right direction of a great lawyer who knows his shit.”
“Of course they know everything. Cage is Batman, after all,” I tease.
Ben chuckles. “I’m beginning to wonder.”
I snicker as I rest my head on his shoulder. “It’ll take time. Time and patience. The first, I have a lot of now that I’m in remission. The second, I have very little of when it comes to waiting.”
Ben laughs. “Don’t I know it.”
I elbow him and laugh with him.
“But we’ll be okay. We’re going to go through this together. No more handling things alone, Nicole. Not like you’ve been doing the last few weeks,” he chides.
I sit up and hold his gaze. “I know. I just needed to think it through. All of it. I will always want to have your baby. Always. No matter what, that will never change. I think the longing will ease when we find our children, though.”
“Children. How many are we talking?” he asks with a grin.
“Two for sure. As an only child I can tell you it gets lonely.”
“That sounds perfect.”
He pulls me close and kisses my lips, sipping at them, pulling them between his own.
When he pulls back, he looks at me. He’s serious. This is super serious Ben. More serious than I’ve seen him in a while.
I run a fingertip over his eyebrow and give him the time he needs.
“You’re so young, Nicole. If you’d rather wait until after you graduate…” he begins.
I take that fingertip and press it to his lips. “I don’t want to wait for anything anymore. I want to live, Ben. The future for me, health-wise, isn’t certain. I want to live as much life as I can while I can.”
His breath catches. “You won’t get sick again. I won’t be able to live in a world without you in it. I won’t be able to…”
“I’m here, Ben. I’m here.”
He presses his forehead to mine. “Thank God.”
“I love you.”
“Nicole, I love you, too.”
“Show me,” I breathe.
Ben stands and carries me over to the bed, lying me down softly.
“You never have to ask.”