Chapter Sixteen
As Esther peered in the mirror to put on the lipstick she very rarely wore, her mind hearkened back to the first date with Will ten years ago now, dinner at that little Italian place in Keswick the night after they’d first met.
She tried to recall how she felt, what they’d talked about, but all she could remember was that the linguine had been too oily but the tiramisu had been fantastic. Why couldn’t she remember more?
She stepped back, surveying her reflection critically. Mutton dressed as lamb? She’d bought a new dress from a funky little shop in Keswick—a knit dress in dark green that ended a good few inches above her knee. Paired with knee-high leather boots, it was hardly the sexiest thing she’d ever worn—although, on second thought, perhaps it was. But Esther didn’t think it said “come hither” as much as “stay awhile.” Or something like that.
As for that first date… She did remember walking along Keswick’s Market Square with Will, their footsteps naturally falling into a matching rhythm, neither of them saying much but feeling happy, which was pretty much how it had always been, until it hadn’t.
“Esther.” Ruth’s voice floated up the stairs. “Will’s here.”
Feeling as if she was about sixteen, Esther started down the narrow stairs from the vicarage’s top floor. She’d told Will she could meet him at the restaurant, but he’d insisted on picking her up, doing the thing properly. Whatever the thing was.
“Hey.” She paused on the bottom step, taking in the freshly-washed sight of him. Will Langley had always scrubbed up nicely. Very nicely, with his hair brushed back from his forehead, his blue eyes looking positively cerulean thanks to the blue-and-white checked shirt he wore—a new addition to his wardrobe, Esther was almost certain—with a pair of dark brown cords that did not, amazingly, have any holes or thin, nubby patches. Also new? Or a Christmas present from years gone by? Either way, it didn’t matter. He looked wonderful, and she was very glad to see him.
Conscious of Ruth watching them and her father in the study, no doubt giving them space but maintaining an eagle eye, Esther grabbed her coat.
“Thanks for picking me up,” she said as she slipped her arms into the sleeves. “I don’t think I’ve had a date come to the door in about twenty years.”
“I like to do a thing right,” Will answered. He smiled at Ruth. “Nice to see you, Ruth.”
“And you will come for dinner on Sunday?” Ruth said, making Esther turn around in surprise.
“Dinner?” she said blankly, and Ruth gave her an amused and slightly exasperated look.
“It’s Easter.”
Was it? Somehow the holiday, which was a highlight of her father’s working year, had nearly slipped by unnoticed.
“Do you mind?” Will asked when they’d left the vicarage and he’d opened the passenger door of his Rover.
“Mind what?”
“Me coming for Easter.”
It would be incredibly churlish of her to mind, and the truth was, she didn’t. “No, it will be nice,” Esther said. “We had a roast dinner a few weeks ago with Anna and Simon and Rachel and Dan and… I missed you.” She said the last a bit awkwardly.
“Did you?” A grin tugged the corner of Will’s mouth as he started down the church lane. “Good.”
Was it really going to be that simple, Esther wondered as Will turned out of the village and headed towards Windermere. She had no idea where he was taking her, and was looking forward to being surprised. Were they just going to fall back into life together after one date? Was that all it was going to take?
It didn’t seem right somehow. She was afraid, not just of getting into the same old rut she’d been in before, but of Will changing his mind. Of him remembering he was angry with her, and deciding she wasn’t worth it. Why was she so afraid? Where had all this fear come from?
She’d asked Claire that, at her counselling session. Why did she, someone from a stable home, with loving parents and siblings, feel so insecure and afraid and damaged?
“We’re all damaged,” Claire had said. “That’s what life does to you, no matter how much support and love you have. Some of us just hide it better.”
And maybe that was true. Maybe Esther felt damaged because she’d been pretending not to be for so long. Maybe that was what had hurt her. In any case, she was trying to find her way forward now… both in her own right and with Will.
She glanced at him, sitting relaxed in the driver’s seat, his gaze trained on the winding road.
“Where are we going, anyway?” she asked.
“You’ll see.”
“You’re not going to tell me?”
“I’m a man of few surprises, so I take them when I can.”
She laughed at that, and Will shot her a quick, smiling look. Maybe it was going to be that easy, after all. Maybe, despite what her father had said, some things could be easy.
*
Will was so wound up he felt as if he might come apart in a burst of coils and springs, like a broken watch. He felt as if everything rode on this date, whether it did or not. Somehow he had to show Esther he was romantic and loving and that she missed him like crazy. It felt like a lot.
Still, it was going well so far. Esther looked gorgeous, her dark hair in a cloud about her face, her eyes alight. He liked seeing her smile. It made him realize she hadn’t in a long time, not properly. Was that his fault? Theirs? He still felt as if he were feeling his way through the dark, stumbling step by step, trying to get to the finish line. The happily-ever-after he thought they’d had but Esther still seemed to be looking for, and damn it, they were both going to find it, even if it killed him. Hopefully it wouldn’t.
After another ten minutes of driving, Will pulled into the gravel car park of an old coaching inn nestled right against the fells, a dark-green blur in the oncoming twilight. Its windows were lit up from within, and as they stepped inside its welcoming warmth, the smell of fresh flowers, roasting meat, and log fires enveloping them.
Esther looked around her with pleasure. “This is lovely, Will. I didn’t even know this place existed.”
“A hidden gem.” Dan had told him about the place, thank goodness. He wouldn’t have even known what to look for.
“Where are we, anyway?”
“Some little place between Keswick and Windermere, only known by the locals.”
“And here I thought I was a local.”
A smiling waitress showed them to their table, tucked in the back of the restaurant, close enough to the fireplace to feel its comforting warmth. Esther looked around in obvious pleasure, inspecting the local artwork on the stone walls, the gleaming, deep grey-blue of the slate floor with the scattered Turkish rugs. It was a nice place, Will acknowledged with relief. Thank goodness.
Esther perused the menu while Will settled in his seat, his mind racing to think of something to say. Here they were, on the date he’d asked for, a way to reset but also to properly get to know one another, since it seemed after all these years they didn’t. Why had his mind gone completely blank?
“This is really nice.” Esther looked up from her menu, smiling. “Thank you.”
“It’s all right.” And… cue silence. Silence that had never bothered Will, but then he’d grown up in a family of farmers, and had more or less been on his own since he was nineteen. He didn’t mind silence, never had. But he felt it now.
Fortunately, the waitress came back and they ordered their meals, drinks and starters and mains all at once, just as they always did, because they never liked having to wait to get the server’s attention. It made him smile a little bit, how they were falling into their old patterns. Maybe that didn’t have to be a bad thing. They knew each other, no matter how Esther felt now. Will was sure of it. Almost.
“I’ll go get your drinks,” the waitress murmured. Then she took their menus and there was nothing to hide behind.
Esther broke the quiet first, and let out a little laugh. “I feel like I don’t know what to say.”
“You’re not the only one.” Will grimaced a little. “How’s the garden going, then?”
“It’s going. It’s not going to be a full-time job, but it’s a fun diversion for the moment.” She propped her chin in her hand. “I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my career, to be honest.”
“I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Really, his insights were breathtaking.
“Yes, eventually. It’s strange, to be at this crossroads at my age. I was so sure about everything before. Maybe too sure.”
“Sometimes it can be good to have a change,” Will said, searching for words. “And a think.”
“Yes.”
Why was this so hard? The other night, when she’d been on his lap, when she’d curled into him, it had felt easy. The words—and the feelings—had come naturally. Maybe dating wasn’t a good idea. Dating his wife. Really, what had he been thinking?
“Are you angry with me, Will?” Esther spoke the words quietly, clearly meaning them, and he stared at her in wary surprise. She was fiddling, he noticed, with her wedding ring. As far as he knew, she’d never taken it off. He certainly hadn’t taken his off.
“What? Why are you asking me that now?”
“Because of everything. Because I’ve been so… so difficult, I suppose. And because… because I didn’t want to have children, and I never even told you. And the way I said… I didn’t mean it so… so personally. But I know how it sounded.”
How had he not been supposed to take it personally? But he wanted to be done with it now. “It’s done, Esther.”
“Is it?” She bit her lip. “You haven’t answered my question.”
“What question?”
“Are you still angry with me?” She shook her head. “Sorry, this isn’t the kind of romantic scenario we were both probably envisioning, but I feel like I have to get it out there before we can move on.” She gave a wry little grimace. “Perhaps it’s the effect of going to counselling.”
“You’re going to counselling?” That surprised him. Esther was as buttoned-up as they came, or at least she used to be. Clearly it was all change.
“Yes, I know, surprising, isn’t it?” She let out a little laugh. “Mum suggested it, and while at first I wanted to run away screaming from the idea, I realized eventually that it might have some merit. I’ve felt like I’ve lost myself over the last few months. I want to find myself again, but not just go back to the way I used to be, if that makes sense. To become someone new, yet someone more me.” She shook her head. “Now I’m really sounding crazy.”
“No, you’re not.”
“So are you angry? Seriously?” She met his gaze squarely, as she used to. His plain-speaking tell-it-like-it-is Esther. How he loved her, and yet… Will realized he needed to speak the truth, as well.
“Yes,” he said slowly. “A bit.”
Esther nodded, looking sad but accepting. “I’m not surprised.”
“But I’m angry with myself too,” Will said, feeling for the words slowly and choosing them with care. “Because I should have realized something was going on. And I suppose I should have asked you if you wanted to have kids. It was one thing out of many that we never talked about, I guess.”
“I don’t know if I never want to have children,” Esther said slowly. “Although I recognize it’s getting kind of late. It’s just… I was so scared, Will. And I was surprised by how scared I was.”
“And you didn’t feel you could tell me.” That was the nub of it, wasn’t it? Esther hadn’t told him and he hadn’t had a bloody clue.
“No, I guess I didn’t. I felt guilty for feeling the way I did. And I didn’t want you to look at me differently. But when… when I saw that scan… when I felt the relief… then I felt even worse. And the guilt kept eating away at me, and I felt as if it was impossible to talk to you because we never talked like that…” She shook her head. “So I understand why you’re angry.” She spread her hands, letting out a wobbly laugh. “I suppose the real question to ask is, can you forgive me? Can we go on from here, dating or no dating?”
“Oh, Esther.” A bloody great lump was forming in his throat, and Will took a sip of his drink to ease it. He didn’t want to start bawling like a baby in the middle of the nicest restaurant he’d ever been in. “I’ve already forgiven you. It’s nowt a question of that. It never was.”
“There you are, going Cumbrian on me.”
“It happens, you know, when I get het up.”
They smiled at each other, and, with relief, Will felt as if things were lightening between them. Strengthening. Somehow he’d found the right words, after all, and they’d been easy to say. Perhaps the right words always were.
It became simpler then, for both of them, as they moved the conversation on, talking about the farm and the village and the community garden, and Will chimed in with a few ideas about soil management and landscaping, and by the time their starters came they were drawing diagrams on scraps of paper, and Will thought maybe, just maybe, it was going to be all right. They’d stumble their way through the dark together.
*
Esther was feeling the tiniest bit tipsy and really very happy as she climbed back into Will’s Rover two hours later. It had been touch and go first, stops and starts with the conversation and more importantly, the honesty, but they’d got there in the end. As for where “there” was… Esther wasn’t sure it mattered so much anymore. They were there together.
“So, are you going to ask me out again?” she asked, realizing woozily and belatedly that she sounded rather flirtatious. She decided she liked it.
“I might.” Will’s voice was a low rumble in his chest, and for some reason it reminded Esther of when they’d first kissed, after their second date. They’d been walking down a street in Keswick and he’d laced his fingers through hers and tugged her towards him, and for a second he’d just smiled down at her before he’d leaned in for a thorough and uncompromising kiss, the kiss of a man who definitely knew what he was doing.
It felt like eons since she’d been kissed. Jurassic ages, and yet it had only been weeks. But it had been longer than that since she’d felt like this, with her stomach fizzing and her heart starting to race. She really wanted Will to kiss her.
They drove in a silence that felt more and more expectant the closer they got to Thornthwaite. Then Will was pulling into the church lane, parking the Rover in front of the vicarage, its darkened hulk reassuring Esther that her parents were hopefully asleep and not waiting by the door.
“I feel like such a teenager,” she said with a hiccuppy laugh.
“If you were a teenager, your father would be out on the front steps.”
“He wouldn’t—”
“He was with Miriam, don’t you remember? Her sixth form ball. She was furious.”
Esther laughed. “Of course. We all came over for photos beforehand.” Somehow she’d forgotten how bound up Will was with her family. He’d been part of it for ten years. She turned to him, about to say something of what she was thinking, but then she saw the intent look in his eyes, and the way his gaze dropped to her mouth, and her stomach fizzed all the more.
“Well, he’s not standing outside the door now,” she said softly.
“No,” Will agreed, his voice low. “He isn’t.”
A full minute, or what felt like it, ticked by as they simply stared at each other. Then Will let out a little growling sound and reached for her, and Esther practically scrambled over the seat to get close to him.
His lips came down on hers as his arms came around her body and they were kissing, gloriously kissing, in a way they hadn’t since Esther could even remember—and it felt wonderful. Incredibly wonderful, because somehow she’d practically forgotten what a good kisser Will was, and how hard his chest felt, and how much she loved feeling his strong arms around her. She felt safe there. Safe and loved.
They kissed and kissed until they were both breathless, and then Will wrenched away, running a hand through his hair.
“I think we should probably say good night.”
“What?” Esther blinked at him as her heart kept thudding. “Seriously?”
“We’re dating, remember?”
“We’re married.”
Will smiled wryly. “We’re going back to the beginning, right? I’m serious about this, Esther. I’m serious about you. Let’s get to know each other again, properly. No rushing. No falling right back into where we were.”
Right now, Esther very much felt like rushing. Like falling. Her blood felt as if it was boiling in her veins, surging through her. But even amidst the clamber of her own need, she heard the still, small voice of common sense.
Will was right. If they rushed into this, into them, they’d as likely as not fall back into the same old patterns.
And, she realized, there was something strangely exciting about delayed gratification. So she leaned over and gave Will a lingering kiss, and smiled against his mouth as he gripped her arms hard, steadying her, keeping her at a distance, or maybe keeping her close.
She eased back and he released her, smiling wryly.
“Good night, Esther.”
“Good night, Will.”
Smiling, she slipped from his lap and the Rover, and walked into the vicarage with a satisfied, cat-like grin still on her face.