Chapter Seventeen
Will stood on the vicarage steps in his best Aran jumper—one Esther had given him last Christmas—and a pair of new cords, a bottle of wine clutched in his hand. He felt unaccountably nervous, which was stupid, because he’d climbed these steps a thousand times.
Trouble was, it felt different now, and so much more was at stake. He hadn’t seen Esther since their date, but he’d been smiling about it for the better part of a week. And now it was Easter Sunday, and they were all going to church together before having one of Ruth’s epic roast dinners back at the vicarage. Make or break time, and he didn’t think he was imagining that.
Resolutely he knocked on the door, and it was opened seconds later by Anna, looking flushed and happy.
“Will! Come in, come in. You don’t have to knock, you know.”
He shrugged, half-mumbling, “It seemed right.”
“Dad’s already over at church,” Anna continued, “and I’m just trying to get the Yorkshire batter done before we have to leave.”
She beckoned him back towards the kitchen, which was emanating lovely smells of roast lamb. Ruth, dressed in a bright pink shift dress and cardigan, swathed in an apron that said Kiss the Vicar, gave Will a big smile and a cheery wave.
“Will, come in! Oh, you didn’t have to bring a bottle, but thank you. You know it all goes down a treat.” He put the bottle on the kitchen table, looking around as if Esther might materialize from the steamy depths of the cosy room. “Esther’s just finishing getting ready,” Ruth said knowingly. “But she’ll be here shortly. Oh, is that Rachel and Dan?”
Will wandered out to the hall again, just in time to see Rachel pull sharply away from Dan. She turned to Will with an over-wide smile.
“Will! It’s so good to see you.” She gave him a quick hug which Will returned. It was good to be back at the vicarage, a place where he’d always felt he belonged, but it also felt strange and awkward, considering his and Esther’s uncertain status.
Except perhaps it wasn’t so uncertain anymore.
“There she is.” Dan, who had been looking tense and unhappy after his exchange with Rachel, forced a smile as he nodded towards Esther. “Come on down.”
Esther smiled rather shyly, her gaze seeking out Will’s. She looked lovely in a knit dress of deep blue, one he hadn’t seen before, not that he remembered, anyway. She’d pulled her hair back into a low ponytail and earrings glittered at her ears.
Will cleared his throat. “You look nice.”
“Thank you.”
Dan and Rachel had melted away, leaving them alone in the hall, and they smiled uncertainly at each other for a few seconds before Esther quickly stood on her tiptoes and kissed his check.
“Happy Easter, Will.”
He didn’t have time to reply, because Rachel was marching back in, a wicker basket looped over one arm. “Right, you two, break it up. I’m putting you in charge of the Easter egg hunt this year.”
Esther turned to her sister, startled. “What?”
“I’ve always had to do it because I’m the teacher, but it’s time you had a go, Esther. You hide the eggs all around the church, and make sure you put the signs up so they know where to go. And most importantly, make sure the Denton twins don’t take more than three eggs each. They always try to sneak some, and then some poor little blighter doesn’t get any.”
“Rachel, you are so much better at this—”
“And, this year, I want a break,” Rachel said firmly. “There’s time to hide the eggs before church. Anna and I will hand out the chocolate eggs at the door.”
“And what should I do?” Dan asked jovially, and Rachel flicked him a quick, inscrutable glance.
“You can hand them out too, and keep the boys in line.”
Will glanced at the pair of them curiously, wondering what was going on. Something had to be, if even he could feel the tension in the air. He hoped they sorted it out, even as he felt a treacherous little flicker of relief that his and Esther’s problems might not take centre stage, at least for today.
Rachel thrust the basket of eggs at Esther, who had no choice but to take it. She gave Will a bemused glance. “Shall we?”
“All right, then.”
Outside the air was still damp from the rain last night, although sunshine was breaking through the wispy shreds of cloud. Everything sparkled and gleamed, the gravel crunching underfoot as they walked over to the churchyard adjacent to the vicarage.
“Right.” Esther glanced down at the basket of plastic eggs. “So we hide these and at the end they can exchange them for chocolate ones.” She nodded towards the Memory Garden across from the church. “That’s as good a place as any, I suppose.”
Silently they headed over towards the little space that had been turned into a memorial for lost loved ones years ago, before Roger Holley had taken up his position. Will hadn’t been in there much before, and he glanced at it now, taking in the crocuses and daffodils that were just starting to poke up from the damp soil, the rose bushes with buds still tightly furled. Esther had bent to hide an egg on the base of a little stone memorial, but she froze for a second as she read the inscription. Will came over to join her so he could read it too.
In Memory of Our Littlest One. Underneath was an etching of a tiny baby being held in a pair of hands. Staring at the picture and inscription, Will felt as if he’d been punched in the gut. A pain he’d thought he’d dealt with lanced through him, and looking at Esther’s face, he knew she felt it too.
She might have been scared to be pregnant, but she missed their baby, the hope of it, as much as he did. He put one hand on her shoulder, and she pressed a hand to her mouth.
“I don’t know why I feel sad.”
“Seems a natural response to me.”
“Yes, but…” She drew a quick, hitched breath and shook her head.
“Look, Esther, I’m no expert, but I think it’s normal to feel two things at once. We’re complex creatures, us humans, or so they say. Stop making everything so black and white.”
“I wasn’t even pregnant…”
“Yes, you were. The test came up positive. You had morning sickness. We hoped.” His voice came out fierce. “You were scared and yes, relieved, but you’re allowed to feel sad, too. Why won’t you let yourself?”
Esther let out a shaky sigh. “Because I feel so guilty, I suppose.”
“I’m not the one who can deal with that. You’ve got to let it go, Esther. Only you can.” Will stopped, because he’d said all he could, but at least he could still do something. Gently he pulled her into a hug, wrapping his arms around her as he rested his chin on her head. Esther returned the hug, her cheek pressed against his chest. Will would have been happy to stay that way forever, or at least an hour or two.
The church bell had started to ring, though, and reluctantly they separated. “We ought to make a move with these eggs,” Esther said, and Will took a couple from the basket.
“Come on, then. I’ll give the Denton twins a run for their money.”
*
As Esther walked into the church ten minutes later, the eggs all well hidden and Will by her side, something that had been clenched tightly inside her started to loosen.
She breathed in the familiar, slightly musty smell of the church, candle wax and fresh flowers and dust as she caught her father’s eye. He was standing by the door to welcome people, dressed in his cassock and surplice, looking as jovial as ever, and Esther’s heart twisted with love. What would she have done these last few weeks without her parents? What would she do without them in a little less than three months, when they left?
As if sensing her thoughts, Will slipped his hand into hers and Esther clung to him. Were they back together officially, finally, for good? She didn’t know, but she had a good feeling about it. About them. And that was something she’d been waiting and hoping for, for a long time.
They took their places in the front pew next to Ruth and Anna; Simon was up at the front, with Roger, but Esther saw him shoot Anna a quick, loving smile. Dan and Rachel slipped in after them, and then the first few joyous notes of “Jesus Christ is Risen Today” boomed from the organ, and everyone stood up.
As Esther joined in the hymn she’d sung every year since she could remember, the loosening and lightening inside her increased, until she was smiling as she sang. Will had told her she needed to stop feeling guilty, and wasn’t that what Easter was all about? The ultimate reset button for humanity, for her. She would never presume or hope to have the kind of faith her parents had, but in that moment, she felt a gentle nudge, a settling of peace. Maybe second chances were possible after all, not just for her and Will together, but for her as a person, a woman, even a mother. She could move on. She could let go.
“Aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-lei-lu-a,” she sang lustily, and Will grinned at her.
Despite their best attempts to hide the eggs in difficult places, the egg hunt after church was a mad scrum. Rachel had given Esther a knowing and rather evil grin as she stepped aside to let Will and Esther manage the proceedings, which they did rather badly and in bafflement.
The aforementioned Denton twins went tearing off before Esther had finished giving instructions, and Will reached one hand out and grabbed one of the ten-year-old boys by the scruff of his jumper. He looked shocked, and started to protest, and Will silenced him with a look. Esther watched, a smile tugging at her lips as a sudden thought slipped into her mind unbidden. Will would make a great dad.
Her heart twisted at the thought and she looked away. How could she think that, after everything? And yet she did. The rest of the children raced off and Esther and Will tried to keep up with them, making sure the older ones didn’t take too many eggs, or snatch all the easy ones, and she encouraged the shyer, younger ones along. They fell into their roles naturally, with Will keeping a stern eye on the rowdy boys while Esther helped the smaller children.
When a little girl slipped her hand into hers and began to take her around the garden, chattering all the way, Esther’s heart melted a little bit. She’d avoided children for the most part, mainly because she didn’t think she was any good with them, but this little girl, all of four years old, seemed to have taken a shine to her. As she let herself be led around the garden, she caught Will’s eye and he gave her a smile. Her heart caught in her chest; what if he was getting his hopes up? What if she was? Could she cope with that?
After Rachel, Anna, and Dan had all doled the chocolate eggs out, parishioners began to trickle away to their own Sunday dinners and the Holleys trooped back towards the vicarage where Ruth was already busy getting food on the table.
“Six days off,” Roger said with relish as he hung his cassock up on the hook on the back of the study door. “My favourite time of year.”
“And your last Easter in Thornthwaite,” Anna remarked with a sad little smile. “Won’t you miss it, Dad?”
“Of course I’ll miss it,” Roger answered instantly. “We both will, won’t we, darling?” He pulled Ruth into a hug despite her squealing protest that something was in danger of burning on the stove. “But new chapters, eh?” Roger smiled at them all, although there was a bittersweet tilt to his lips. “New chapters for everyone.”
“Yes,” Esther said, the firm tone of her voice surprising her. “New chapters.”
The rest of the day passed in a haze of good food and wine, all of them around the table, tucking into a magnificent roast dinner with all the trimmings before managing hefty slabs of homemade simmel cake, followed by coffee and petit fours.
“I can’t eat another bite.” Simon groaned as he sat back in his chair, one arm around Anna, who looked similarly well fed. Watching them together, Esther wondered if an engagement announcement was in the offing. They seemed so happy and natural together, but perhaps they were waiting for Rachel and Dan’s big day first.
A glance at her sister and her fiancé gave Esther a twinge of unease… although Rachel had been her usual bubbly self for most of the afternoon, when caught in an unsuspecting moment, she looked tense, even unhappy. What could be the problem with her and Dan? Dan was lovely, warm and kind and funny, and good-looking as well, in a gentrified kind of way. He was perfect for Rachel… wasn’t he? But then, Esther mused, what did she know about what went on behind closed doors?
“Now that you’re all here and watered and fed,” Roger announced once the last of the petit fours had been scoffed, “we’ve got a bit of work to do.”
“Work?” Anna sat up. “We’ll clear up, Mum. You shouldn’t be lifting a finger after all that.”
“Nonsense,” Ruth protested. “But that’s not the work your father means, anyway.”
“What, then?” Rachel looked intrigued.
“We’ve got some sorting to do,” Roger said easily. “Your mother and I have realized what we can take to China, and what we can’t. And we want to make sure all of you get a share in what’s staying, so we thought it best to have a bit of a clear-out while everyone was here.”
“What?” Rachel sounded panicked. “Already? But—”
“We are leaving in less than three months,” Roger reminded her gently. “The tickets are booked.”
Esther’s stomach twisted unpleasantly, but she stayed silent because she was starting to realize it didn’t help either of her parents to express dismay or concern over their move. This was their choice, both of their choice. If they could accept it, then so could she.
“Right, then,” she said, rubbing her hands together. “What’s staying and what’s got to go?”
The next few hours were painfully bittersweet as Ruth brought out all the fine china she’d amassed over the years—platters and plates, serving and chafing dishes, and three sets of sterling silver that had been passed down from various relatives.
“Mum, this is all your best stuff,” Anna protested. “Don’t you want to keep some of it?”
“There’s no point, really,” Ruth replied with a small smile. Esther could see this was hard for her, but she was determinedly cheerful. “We can’t ship it.”
“But what about when you come back from China?” Rachel burst out. “You’re not going to stay there forever, surely?”
“We don’t know how long we’ll stay there,” Roger intervened. “However long God wills. But in any case, if and when we move back to England, we won’t be living in a pile like this.” He glanced around the high-ceilinged dining room with poignant affection. “You all know as well as I do that most of the old vicarages have been sold off. We were blessed to hang onto this place, and blessed too that Simon will be able to live in it. Whatever home we have after Jinan, it won’t be like this.”
His words seemed to fall in the stillness of the room like stones thrown into a pool. It gave Esther a jolt to realize just how much was changing—not just her parents’ move to China, which, like Rachel, she’d assumed was somewhat temporary, but life afterwards. The days in this big, old vicarage, when it had been a bastion of home life and security, were truly over, or almost.
In the end, they divided the china and silver between them, putting some aside for Miriam, who had joined in on Skype and seemed uncharacteristically solemn, watching the proceedings from her usual position on the beach, without any of her usual good-natured jeers and jokes. This felt momentous somehow, far more important and final than throwing out some old tat from the back of the pantry.
Esther came away with a serving platter, a set of sterling silver for four, and the mismatched china teacups and saucers Ruth had inherited from her grandmother. She put it upstairs in her bedroom, unable to keep from noting the incongruity—suitcases and sterling silver, a life in transition. It could almost be art.
Smiling a little, she went back downstairs to help her mother clean up. She found her father by the doorway, waving off Dan and Rachel; Will had already gone, needing to be back on the farm, but, with a sparkle in his eye, he’d promised to arrange another date soon.
The evening was bathed in the shimmering, Technicolor light of early evening, better than any Instagram filter. The grass was touched with gold, the sky so deep a blue it hurt, and yet in a few moments it would start fading to lavender, and the world would begin to grow dark.
“All right there, Bessie?” Roger asked, using a nickname from her childhood that Esther had half-forgotten.
She leaned against his shoulder in a way she hadn’t in years, decades, and smiled as the sun began to sink. “Yes,” she said, as his arm came around her. “All right.”