CHAPTER 23
________
EVA
The following morning I sat on the deck, the wind of the night before having left the air cool and crisp. I was even a little chilly, so I pulled a blanket tight around my shoulders as I sipped the coffee I’d made for myself. I gazed out over the sea, my breathing slow and steady, my thoughts no longer rushing as they had the night before.
I felt calm. There was still a deep sadness within me, as there always was, but I dared to believe that maybe, just maybe, it was a little less than it had been before.
I heard the soft padding of footsteps and turned to see Lily walking towards me, still wearing her pajamas. She frowned, her face full of concern. I smiled and held out my arms.
“Come here,” I said. She joined me on the couch, and I held her tightly. She was my niece. Half of my sister and part of me. I knew we couldn’t tell her about everything just yet, but holding her was enough for now. My arms were around her, my lips gently kissing her forehead.
“I’m so sorry I scared you last night.”
“Why were you sad?” she asked me.
“I remembered something very painful last night, and I panicked,” I said. “I shouldn’t have scared you like that. But I’m fine now. I promise.”
“Okay.”
And that was enough for her, at least for the moment. Kids are resilient, of course, but Lily was something entirely different. She knew I’d tell her eventually. She wasn’t worried. She trusted me, and only wrapped her arms around me tighter, comforting me, when it really should have been the other way around.
I left to take a shower, and when I came back out again, the yacht was already moving, heading back to Santorini. I made some toast and brought it to Nick who was sitting at the helm. He asked me how I was.
“I’m okay,” I said. “Much better. Thank you for staying last night.”
“I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way,” he said, before turning to gaze out at the horizon. A deep furrow was etched between his eyes as he frowned; his expression serious.
“I need to talk to my parents,” I said. “Not right now, of course. Later. My dad’s a grandpa, and he never even knew.”
He only nodded, not saying anything.
“Nick, look at me,” I said softly, and he did. I gave a small smile. “You know, I might be her aunt, and my dad her grandpa, but you’re her dad. And nothing’s going to change that. Nobody’s going to try and take her away. You’re perfect for her. And it might sound dumb, but I want to thank you, on behalf of my family, and of Olivia… Jane… for looking after her daughter. I’m pretty sure she’s up there, looking down and is so very grateful to you. You’re a good man, Nick, and an amazing dad.”
Nick exhaled slowly and closed his eyes, visibly relieved. He nodded as he looked at me. “Thank you. And I want us to work this out in a way that ensures Lily doesn’t get hurt.”
“With a dad like you, there’s no chance.”
He held out his arm, and I stepped closer. He didn’t kiss me or grab me. Instead, we stood there together, holding onto each other while gazing out over the blue waters of the ocean.
“Just don’t tell her about the dolphins,” he said. “I think that’d kill her.”
We didn’t stop off anywhere on the way home. Instead, we sailed straight back to Santorini. We’d only been at sea for four days, but it felt right to be going back. Going home. That’s what it felt like.
Over the last few weeks, I’d had minimal contact with anyone back in the States. Now, with the time to think and clear my head as we sailed back to the island, I realized that my time spent here had all been about healing. Once I’d seen Nick, I’d been forced to confront my demons. I hadn’t expected them to stare me right in the face in quite the same way that they had last night, but perhaps that had been for the best. Sometimes life does that. It doesn’t just give you lemons. It smacks you over the head with the whole damn lemon tree, forcing you to deal with your shit.
We arrived back on Wednesday evening. I’d lost track of the days, but as we drove away from the harbor, I knew it was Wednesday from the sight of the market vendors clearing up after a day of selling their goods to expectant customers. Back at the house, we carried our luggage inside.
Maria was sitting outside on the balcony. She got up, and I was pleased to see she was moving very well indeed. She limped towards us; a shocked look on her face.
“Why are you back so soon?” she asked. “Are you ill? Did something happen?”
“Nothing like that,” Nick assured her. “Let me quickly get Lily settled, and I’ll be down in a second, okay?”
When he came back to join us where we sat outside on the balcony, I was touched when he took my hand before telling Maria the truth about what had happened the night before. She was dumbfounded, shocked into silence. This was more than juicy gossip and little scandalous liaisons. This impacted everyone in her household and beyond. She took my other hand, and there were tears in her eyes as she told me how sorry she was for my loss, as though it had just happened yesterday. I appreciated her concern.
“What about Lily?” she asked. “She must know.”
“Of course,” Nick said. “We’ll tell her together. We wanted you to know first.”
She had the same worried look in her eyes that her adopted son had displayed while at the helm back on the yacht, and once again I assured her that Lily wasn’t going to have to choose between her families. Nothing was going to change. She’d simply found herself an aunt she didn’t know she had, and she’d finally get some answers about where she came from. But as for her dad, he’d fought tooth and nail to keep her, and nobody could, or would, ever attempt to change that.
Nick offered for me to join him when he told Lily about what had happened, and he was surprised when I refused, but I quickly explained.
“She’s going to worry about the same things you did. And I’m not the most important person in her life. I’m not her parent. I never was. It’s her dad who has to calm all her fears and tell her everything is going to be okay and that she has nothing to worry about. Nobody’s going to take her away, and nobody’s going to leave her again.”
“Thank you,” he said. “That means a lot.”
They had a favorite place in town where they’d go for ice cream and that night, as I took a long, cool shower and relaxed in my room for a while, Lily and her dad went out and were gone for a couple of hours. I lay on the bed, and I thought about the day I’d heard Olivia had died. I’d pushed the memories away, buried it in the darkest recesses of my mind, never intending to revisit them, and yet, here I was, facing them again.
I thought about my dad and how, on that fateful day, he’d aged thirty years in a heartbeat. I thought about how my mom tried desperately to get him to talk to her, but he wouldn’t. I thought about how it seemed as if the whole house was grieving. Even the color of the wallpaper seemed to fade, the couch seemed more sunken, and the old floorboards didn’t creak anymore but instead, groaned with grief. Olivia was gone, and nobody got to say goodbye. We’d spent weeks, months, years, wondering what we could have done to make it better. What we could have done to stop her from taking her own life.
And yet, now, Nick had told me that he believed Olivia overdosed by accident. Now I knew that my sister had been a mom, and I knew her well enough to know that she’d never leave her baby by choice. Selfishly, I felt better about it.
I called my folks that evening, but I didn’t tell them about Lily. It wasn’t fair to give them such news over the phone and besides, I wanted to see their faces when I broke the news. I couldn’t wait.
Then, I called Robyn. She was relieved to hear I was still okay and coming back soon. And I told her everything.
When I heard Nick’s car coming up the driveway, I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Damn, I needed to snap out of this funk. I’d disappeared down a rabbit hole of memories again which flooded me with so many feelings and emotions, that it almost overwhelmed me once more. But I needed to brush it all off and go and speak to my niece, properly.
I only made it down two of the steps before she leaped forward and ran up the staircase, taking the steps two at a time, rushing to hug me.
“I knew there was something,” she said into my stomach. “I knew we were connected!”
I sat down on the step with her while Nick winked at me and went into the kitchen.
“Are you mad at me for not telling you?” I asked Lily, stroking her hair from her face.
She shook her head. “No. I get it. Dad told me.”
She looked as though she wanted to say something, and I smiled. “Go on,” I said. “You can tell me what you’re thinking.”
“What was she like?”
I laughed. “I guess I’ve got a lot to fill you in on, right?”