Chapter 13

Max

“Are you still seeing your lady friend?” Dr. Singh had put his notepad down as he looked at me, hands rested in his lap the picture of calm.

I smiled at his old fashioned term and nodded. “I am, and things are going well.” They were going well, but over the past week I had a feeling that Jana was having doubts. About me or us, I didn’t know.

“And the nightmares?”

I sighed and let my body sink into the plush leather chair. “Yeah, they’re still going on. But I have it under control.” I stayed with Jana until she was deep asleep and oblivious to the sounds I made as I got dressed and went home. It was the best option, giving me some time with her in bed before the nightmares returned.

“Are you letting her help with them?”

I didn’t want to tell him the truth, but this was fucking therapy. “She doesn’t see them. I go home after she’s asleep. Jana doesn’t need to deal with my bullshit.”

He let out a deep sigh and flashed a smile tinged with disappointment. “We’ll talk more about this next week, but just do me a favor Max, okay?”

I nodded and motioned for him to continue.

“Imagine how Jana feels. You presumably have sex with her and then sneak out in the middle of the night.”

“Dammit, Doc.” I stood and shook his hand, ignoring the amused smirk he wore as I left his office. His words wouldn’t leave my mind as I hopped on my bike and made my way to Mayhem Burger where I was meeting Tate. He was still staying at my house and keeping his distance from the club, for some reason. But he wanted to talk and I would be there.

We already lost too many years.

Tate was already in a black and white checked booth when I arrived, sipping a beer and looking casual as fuck, not at all like a man who’d spent six years in prison. “Hey man, what’s up? Haven’t seen much of you.”

He smiled up at me, reminding me so much of the kid who used to run around trying to do everything I did. “You’ve been occupied by a beautiful woman, that’s why.” He smirked and shrugged. “My attorneys officially filed the lawsuit today against the cops and the prosecutor. They fucking owe me, Max. They stole years from me and they knew, fucking knew, I didn’t do a damn thing.” He seethed, his blonde hair and golden looks darkened in anger. He was still angry and I didn’t fucking blame him. Hell, I was still angry for him. “All I can do now is fuck them the way they fucked me.” He smacked his fist on the table between us to punctuate his anger while I asked a passing waitress for two more beers.

“And two shots,” I told her with a smile before turning back to Tate. “I’m with you. Whatever you need.”

Tate nodded and sat silently browsing the menu until we both placed our orders—double fucking bacon cheeseburgers with steak fries—and he turned to me. “I need you to keep the club off my fucking back. I’ll deal with them when I’m ready, but right now I need to fight this shit. I have to, Max.”

“You got it. What else?” I didn’t bother telling him that both Cross and Savior had been asking about him and wondering where in the hell he’d been.

“Your girl invited me to dinner,” he said without preamble.

I froze as his words sank in and I felt an irrational anger rise up in me, but also shock. “She did what?”

Tate shrugged like it was no big deal. “Said in case I wanted to talk about something that wasn’t my time in prison and enjoy a good meal. She’s nice, bro. You could do a lot worse than her.” The waitress placed our burgers in front of us and Tate dug in like he hadn’t had a decent meal in, well six goddamn years.

I still didn’t like the idea of Jana inviting my brother to dinner. Maybe it was jealousy or maybe it was something else, something darker that burned in my gut, but I fucking hated that she went to my brother behind my back. That made me wonder if I could trust her. “You don’t even know her,” I argued pointlessly.

Tate frowned and looked at me like I’d grown two heads. “No, I don’t. Then again, no one else has offered to talk about shit other than the six years of my life that I lost. Or how I’m gonna ‘get paid’ and all that shit. Is it so wrong that one person on this fucking planet is treating me like a human instead of a statistic?” He was angry and I deserved it, but I was fucking angry too.

“No, guess not. Do what you want.”

Tate barked out a laugh and smiled. “You’re seriously jealous? You are fucked in the head, Max. She is doing this because of you, dumbass.”

That was bullshit and we both knew it. “Yeah? Tell me, how does a dinner that doesn’t include me have any fucking thing to do with me?” I stared, waiting for an answer as he took bite after bite of his burger and fries, enjoying the meal the way a man fresh from prison could. “I’m important to you and she’s offering me something I need, because she thinks it would help you. That’s just my guess though since I’ve been locked up and I don’t have a woman who gives two shits about me. So hey, what the fuck do I know?” He stood, looking disgusted as hell as he shook his head. “Thanks for lunch. Catch you later, Max.” Tate walked away, leaving me sitting there like a damn fool.

How was I the bad guy when it was my fucking girl inviting another man to her home for dinner? This day had gone from bad to worse, and the fucking sun hadn’t even set yet.

***

I knew it wasn’t a dream but that didn’t mean I could do shit to stop it. I could still smell the scent of sex and Jana’s flowery perfume and knew it didn’t belong in the goddamn desert but the convoy was just moments away from shit going tits up and my heart raced as sweat beaded on my forehead, slid down my back. The sun was hot, burning fucking hot, at least one hundred and twenty degrees and no shade around for miles.

Then it happened, we hit the half-mile marker to our second to last destination where we would each undergo a lengthy debriefing about the mission. Then we would all be headed stateside for a nice long break. But instead of detailed questions and answers, we hit a fucking roadside bomb and then there was chaos as the vehicle flipped on its side, the loud explosion and sounds of crunching medal drowned out everything for long seconds as I struggled to see right in front of my eyes. As the smoke began to clear, along with my hearing, the sounds of several brothers screaming in pain came in loud and clear.

I crawled on my hands and knees behind the transport vehicle and aimed beyond the smoke, in the direction of incoming fire. I yelled but no words came out, and worse, no one answered. When my gun was empty, I reloaded and emptied it again, and again until I was out of ammo. The fucking shooting never stopped so I quickly crawled to a fallen brother, grabbing his weapon and ammo before taking cover behind the overturned vehicle again.

I knew what happened next. I’d had this dream enough times to know a pair of black feet would appear in the smoke, moving closer. But this time I wouldn’t just wake up, I’d fight the fucker. I had the ammo so I squeezed the trigger but, goddammit, it wasn’t hitting him so I dropped the gun and charged. I usually woke up at this point so I didn’t know what the fuck to do but wrap my hands around his neck and squeezed even though I couldn’t see his face. I could only feel his hands smacking and scratching at my arms.

“Max, please. Let go. It’s me. It’s Jana.”

I heard the voice and felt the small, delicate hands squeezing my arms, scratching at me but I couldn’t stop.

“Max! Let go, Max!” Fingernails sliced through my arm and I squeezed harder. “Max, please!”

It was that tearful plea that pulled me from a sleeping nightmare and into a real life, waking nightmare. “Jana.” My eyes adjusted to the semi-darkness and all I could see was her red, tear-stained face, big brown eyes filled with fear and sympathy. “Jana, shit. What the fuck?” I sat on top of her, my hands wrapped around the delicate slope of her neck. I was off her in an instant, chest heaving as horror ripped through me. “Shit. Goddammit! I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said softly, her voice shaky with tears. “Are you all right, Max?”

“I should be asking you that. Shit, Jana, I could’ve killed you.” And my own hands shook as that reality settled over me like hot, wet blanket. “Shit, I could have fucking killed you.”

“But you didn’t, Max. Is this still happening every night?” How could she sit there and look at me like that, brown eyes filled with concern for me, instead of herself.

It caused a squeezing sensation in my chest but it also pissed me off. “Don’t worry about me, Jana. Worry about yourself.”

She flinched at my words. “Don’t tell me what I can care or worry about, Max. Is this why you don’t stay the night?”

“What do you think?” I had my jeans on but unfastened, arms crossed as I looked at her.

“I think this is bullshit. Is this how you plan to live your life, Max?” The plea in her voice nearly undid me, but I had to stay strong. No matter what.

“What difference does it make? This is why I don’t stay here, Jana. I’m trying to protect you!”

She shook her head, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed and stood, completely unashamed of her nudity. Even as anger and terror seared the blood in my veins, I couldn’t help but appreciate her form. Short with curves for days, she was a gorgeous woman, but the sight of those dusky raspberry nipples made my mouth water. And I knew I needed to leave. “Bullshit. You’re trying to protect yourself, Max. I can’t do anything but accept it.”

Suddenly her anger and frustration were gone. Worry still darkened her deep brown eyes but her shoulders fell as though she was giving up. “That’s all I’m asking you to do, dammit.”

She gave a short nod, looking like a wounded damn puppy as she slipped into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. I should’ve waited for her to come out so we could discuss this like adults, but I couldn’t. Thoughts of how close I’d come to genuinely hurting her had me quickly dressing and rushing through the front door without a look back.

I hopped on my bike and went home, calling Dr. Singh to see if he could fit me in for an emergency session. I needed space to figure my shit out, so I packed a bag, hopped on my bike and drove until my eyes were too heavy to keep going.

I woke up a few hours later and did it all over again.