Chapter 14

Jana

After spending the day doing quarterly reports for several clients, I snuck in a quick workout and then got busy on the dinner I wanted to cook for Max. After radio silence for a full week, he’d finally called to say he wanted to talk and though I was upset that he’d vanished after the weirdest morning of my life, I agreed that we needed to talk. I’d gotten fresh seafood from the market so I decided to mix it up with paella and grilled sardines with a Greek salad. It wasn’t fancy but it was hearty and I was starving. And if this thing went sideways, I’d have lots of food to feed a broken heart.

As I got dressed though, I couldn’t help but think about my conversation with Teddy. I knew that time was running out and I would have to say something to Max. My hands shook at the idea of things ending between us. I didn’t want that to happen, but something had to change.

When Max rang the bell, I pulled it open with a smile, only to be met with a half-smile, half-scowl and a half-hearted greeting. “Hey,” I finally said as all the anticipation inside of me deflated. It became clear as I poured the Sangria that this night wasn’t going to go the way I thought it would. I cranked the heat from a low simmer to a straight up boil to speed things along. “Ready to eat?”

“I could eat.” His voice was blanked of all emotion, like a robot had replaced the man I thought I knew.

Something was definitely going on and if I were a betting woman, I’d say it had something to do with me. Or more accurately, with us. I felt the air shift when he came into the kitchen, but I didn’t turn, instead listening as he pulled out a chair and dropped down into it. “How are you, Max?”

“I’m fine, Jana. You?”

I sighed and gave a mumbled, “Fine.” I was a woman who knew when to cut her losses and tonight counted as a lost fucking cause. When the food was ready, I plated it up and left the sardines on a large plate because there was no way in hell I would sit through a painfully silent meal I’d spent the better part of an hour preparing. “Let’s eat and watch a movie I told him,” taking the sardines, napkins and flatware into the living room without waiting for an answer.

Max said nothing, just grabbed the glasses along with the rest of the sangria and took a seat on the middle cushion of the sofa.

With a big sigh, I found a shoot’em up movie on Netflix and put it on, getting lost in my own thoughts as I ate. Gunshots provided the perfect soundtrack for my tumultuous thoughts, which were mostly centered on the man beside me. Clearly Max hadn’t been sleeping well because each time I saw him, the dark circles under his eyes were a darker shade of purple. Today they were practically black, yet he said nothing.

“You want more?”

I looked at him holding the sardines and shook my head. “All yours.” By the time the movie was over, my hunger wasn’t sated and all the excitement and anticipation I’d built up at seeing Max again had vanished. Tonight, I actually wanted him to go home. Now. “Are you staying here tonight?”

I knew before he even answered, based on the tense set of his shoulders and the way his jaw clenched. And based on the past month or more of experience. “Nah, I have to be up early tomorrow for some stuff.”

Stuff. Right. I stood and grabbed the plates, stacking them and taking them to the kitchen. I returned for the rest, leaving my own glass and pitcher right where it was, because I had a feeling I’d finish it off before bed. Max hadn’t moved so I decided against using the dishwasher, instead filling the sink with hot soapy water and plunging my hands deep into it. There weren’t many to do but I took my time, trying to get my anger and frustration under control. Exploding at Max would do nothing to solve this issue between us, never mind what his other issue was today.

“What are you doing in here?”

“The dishes.”

“Why?”

I sighed and turned. “Who else is going to do them, Max? I live alone.”

“I’m leaving.”

“I heard you the first time.”

He sighed. The sound of his footsteps grew closer until the heat of his body began to envelop mine. “What is this, Jana?”

“Nothing. Look, you said you have to be up early so you should probably get going. Do you need coffee to make sure you’re okay to drive?”

“No, I don’t need fucking coffee. Just tell me what the hell is going on?” His hands landed on my shoulder and I tensed even though my body wanted to lean into his, feel the hot, hard heat of his body. But I couldn’t. Nothing felt right anymore and I just wanted to cry.

“Nothing is going on with me, Max. You showed up when clearly you didn’t want to be here and now you have to get up early, so I’ll see you whenever.”

“What the hell does that mean?” His voice roared in my small kitchen, making me jump.

“It doesn’t matter, Max.” I pulled the drain on the water and turned. “Good night.” My pulse raced as I looked up at him, those big gray eyes dark as gun metal and as intense as a hurricane. I loved him, but a love like this might kill me. He stared at me for a long time before he nodded, turned on his heels and left.

I changed into a long t-shirt that came just below my knees before curling up on the sofa with the rest of my sangria. Reality came crashing down at the bottom of the third glass. I thought Max and I were building something, working towards a real relationship. But we weren’t. We were nothing more than two people who spent time together and fucked. That was it. Now that I knew that painful truth, I had an even harder decision to make.

Could I live in this half of a relationship where Max slipped out of my bed each night and went home to face his demons alone? I’d have killed for someone other than an overworked social worker to help me deal with the trauma of my scars. Yet here I was, not enough.

Again.

As my eyelids grew heavy, the answer skated on the outer edges of my consciousness. I might not be the prettiest girl around, or the smartest. But I did have some self-respect left.

Mostly.

But what did self-respect matter when you were facing heartbreak for the very first time?

***

“Everything looks good as far as bookkeeping, but I noticed you aren’t taking advantage of every deduction you could, and I’ve put it in my notes so you can think about it.” I sat across from Mr. Cross inside my office, dressed like a professional in plain black pants and a black blouse, doing my best not to notice how much…man he was. Not that I was interested in him like that, but the man had a presence that was hard to ignore. He was big, really big, at least six and a half feet with the body of a linebacker. I imagined he wasn’t a man who had a hard time with the ladies. But he was a client and those thoughts were totally inappropriate. “Otherwise, Mr. Cross, your business is thriving. Congratulations.”

He grinned a sheepish sort of grin that showed off oddly boyish dimples and he scraped a hand over his short chocolate colored hair. “Thanks, and it’s just Cross. Ms. Carter.”

“Jana, please,” I said automatically because it was good to keep things semi-formal when handling people’s money. “Do you have any questions?” He shook his head and I stood to lead him out of the house when I remembered one final thing. “Have you considered taking advantage of the green tourism with shirts and bags and other things people might want as souvenirs they can actually take home with them?”

He blinked and stood. “I hadn’t, but I’ll have the guys look into it. Thank you again, Ms., ah, Jana.”

“No problem,” I told him as I pulled open the door and offered up a hand to shake. “I’ll send updates quarterly and call if anything sends up any alarm bells, okay?”

“Sounds good. Thanks again.”

“What the fuck is going on here?”

I startled at the sound of Max’s angry voice and turned to see his nostrils flaring and spitting out fire. He was spoiling for a fight. I clenched my jaws and smiled at Mr. Cross. “You’ll have to forgive my friend, apparently he’s forgotten his manners.”

“Don’t worry about it, Jana. Thanks for your help.” He gave a wave but he didn’t move and I felt like something was happening that I didn’t quite understand.

“My brother wasn’t enough? What are you, some fucking down low biker bunny?”

I sucked in a breath, and in that moment, I completely understood what people meant when they said their heart broke in half. Nothing in my life, not the attack by Robert or the greater betrayal of Karen, not even the death of my parents had hurt as much as this. Because I was too young to remember, but now it felt like a small favor. His eyes were filled with disgust, his voice dripping with hate. Mr. Cross stood between us and I tried to push him aside. “Mr. Cross, please, don’t get involved. I’m fine.”

He ignored me, glaring down at Max because as big as Max was, he was bigger. “What the fuck is your problem with me and why are you talking to Ms. Carter like that?” A giant hand landed on Max’s chest and he moved back a step.

“Ms.? Why the fuck are you calling her Ms. Carter?”

Mr. Cross frowned down at him, blue eyes as dark and angry as Max’s gray ones. “It’s her name asshole, and generally how people address those they have professional relationships with. Asshole.”

He blinked once. Twice. And I could see the moment it had all become clear because his shoulders deflated all the anger out of him, but he didn’t seem at all contrite. “Oh. Why didn’t you say anything?”

Ugh, men. I shook my head and turned on my heels, slamming the door behind me. Max was a jerk and I was the idiot who’d gone and fallen for the first guy to show me a little honest attention. As angry as I was, as much as Max’s words had hurt me, I was angrier with myself. I let myself believe that I could have something normal, something fun and light and hot. I should’ve known better.

Life had forced the lesson down my throat enough times.

I stopped in my office to save the documents again and shut down my computer for the day as the bell rang out front. Ignoring it was easy enough since I knew who it would be, but just to make it easier I went into my bedroom to change and cranked up the music. I could still hear the bell, just barely so I turned up the volume again and made my way to the kitchen.

Cooking wasn’t just a necessity, it was a great way to channel excess energy while I thought through problems, whether professional or personal. Admittedly there hadn’t been many personal problems in my life, many a professional conundrum had been resolved in my tiny kitchen. By the time I’d completely scaled the trout, the knocking and ringing had stopped.

But I kept the music on high just in case. Fish and steamed veggies wasn’t exactly exotic cuisine, but the pina colada turned it into a culinary party for one.

That didn’t sound pathetic at all.