ChapterThirty-Two
Someone had taken down her Christmas lights. Snow had melted and dull patches of earth and dead grass had reclaimed her garden from its blanket of white. The holidays were officially over. Going up the front walk seemed both familiar and strange.
Nate opened her door and disabled the alarm. “Let me have a look around first.”
Too late, Bella wanted to shout. The bogeyman already got me.
Adam was dead. Her logical brain knew that, but the fear inside had nothing to do with logic and kept rehashing every B-grade horror plot it had ever absorbed.
Nate reappeared in the hallway. “It’s all clear,” he said. “Get settled and I’ll make us some dinner.”
“You don’t need to do that.” Bella didn’t think she’d eat much anyway.
Nate gave her a hard look. “I know I don’t need to, but I’d like to. Why don’t you have a shower and I’ll have dinner ready when you’re done?”
A shower to get the hospital stink off her skin sounded great. How is it that, in theory, the cleanest, most sanitary place had an undeniable smell of sickness? Her bathroom looked exactly as she’d left it. Had it really been only three days ago? The jeans she hadn’t put in the hamper still lay on the floor where she’d dropped them. Her toothbrush lay on the counter next to the toothpaste tube. She hadn’t put the cap on.
Bella flipped on the water. She turned her back to the mirror and stripped off her clothes. Staving off the horrible vulnerability of her nakedness, she slipped into the shower. She didn’t want to see her body. See what Adam had seen. She hurried through her shower and dressed in some old sweats that covered nearly all her skin.
She followed the incredible smell into the kitchen.
Nate had set the table and glanced up as she walked in. His smile threatened to take her back to a place she didn’t want to go. A place of intimacy and warmth between them. She needed to keep the ice inside her intact. The ice was safe, pain free.
“Something smells good,” she said.
“I worked with what you had in the fridge.” He shrugged and brought a casserole dish to the table.
Bella couldn’t honestly say what they ate, but it had bits of bacon, cubes of chicken, and vegetables. She barely tasted the food but ate more to keep Nate from insisting than anything else.
Nate leaned back in his chair, hooking one elbow over the back. “I could stay. Tonight.”
“No.” The ice mustn’t crack. Loving Nate threatened the ice. “No, thank you. I’ll be fine.”
He frowned. “Bella?”
“It’s fine. I’m fine.” She got up and cleared her plate. Standing by the sink, she stared into the night-darkened garden. In that abandoned house something had gone missing. She’d left some element of herself on that awful table. Inside, she was cold and empty. She had nothing more to give.
“Babe.” Nate’s hand was on the small of her back. “Can we talk?”
“No.” He threatened her fragile control. Heartsore and hanging on by a thread, her composure still remained hers.
Nate rubbed circles over her spine. “Okay.” He took a breath. “How about I talk and you listen?”
“I can’t.” His strong body provided a barrier between her and her thoughts. Bella leaned into him and pressed her face into his chest.
“No talking.” He rested his cheek on her head. “Let’s get you to bed.” He led her down the corridor to her bedroom. “Are you going to sleep in that?”
Bella nodded. She didn’t want to see her body. She didn’t want eyes on her body at all.
Nate pulled back the duvet and she climbed into bed.
The night pressed around her, quiet and dark, and despite what she’d said in the kitchen, it suddenly seemed full of unseen threats. “Nate?”
He looked at her.
“Could you . . . stay? As a friend, I mean.”
He grimaced, then nodded. “I’ll get ready for bed. I can sleep in the living room.” He looked around. “Or maybe on the floor in here.”
Now they’d gone beyond ridiculous. Bella patted the other side of her bed. “Here is fine.”
* * *
By the time he’d showered and finished in the bathroom, Bella was asleep.
Knees curled into her chest, she lay on her side.
So tiny and fragile and still pale from her ordeal, his heart hurt looking at her. Try as he might, he couldn’t keep the reel of horror out of his head, of what might have happened if he and Simon hadn’t gotten there in time. As he went through the details in reports, again and again, the images haunted him.
Moving carefully, he slid into bed beside her.
Murmuring, she sought his heat.
Nate folded himself around her from behind. Soap and the honey smell of her shampoo surrounded him. Needing skin contact, he slipped his hand beneath her sweatshirt and onto the warmth of her belly, just above the adhesive dressing.
He’d lived his whole life never expecting to fall in love and, certainly, never believing someone could love him back. Happily ever after belonged to guys who sacked up, did the right thing. Guys like his brother Matt. Him? Not so much.
Seeing Adam with that scalpel on Bella’s skin, knowing he stood inches away from losing her had a way of slapping a guy into wise-up time. He loved her. Probably had loved her for some time. How long? He couldn’t say, and it didn’t seem to matter anymore. Sitting by her bed in the hospital had brought more unwelcome realizations. She had offered her love to him and he’d thrown it back at her. He winced, thinking of all the bullshit things he’d said to her. All in a desperate effort to keep her in the safe zone. Safe for him, because Bella had never played it safe. She wore her heart on her sleeve. Hell, she waved it around like a banner for the world to see.
He didn’t deserve her, but he was through pretending he didn’t want to try. Maybe she would realize what a bad deal she’d made and walk away from him somewhere down the line. But never taking the chance, never knowing for sure, that would be worse. He’d nearly lost her while he dicked around.
He whispered the words into her hair. “I love you.”
* * *
Morning brought a lazy fall of thick, heavy snow. Fat flakes meandered down to join the growing accumulation.
Nate rubbed his gritty eyes. He hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep.
Bella stirred against him and opened her eyes. “Hi.”
“Hi yourself.” As he propped himself up to get a better look at her, his tiredness dissipated.
She looked well rested this morning. Even sported a little color in her face.
“Breakfast.” He hauled ass out of bed. “You stay there and I’ll bring you some coffee.”
Bella gaped at him.
Yeah, he’d earned that look. Now he needed to earn it right off her face again.
He hauled on his pants.
“Nate?” Bella’s voice stopped him at the door. “Why are you doing all this?”
Tell her! screamed his brain. His chickenshit heart yelled it back down again. The girl had just gotten out of the hospital yesterday. He needed to go slowly. “Eggs okay?”
He made tracks to the kitchen.
Bella followed him. “Nate?”
He disappeared into the fridge. Cool air hit his hot face. He could spend all day in here. What a dick! He turned and faced her. He needed to finesse this, say the right thing. You didn’t come right out and blurt shit like this. “I love you.”
She blinked at him. “You what?”
Damn! “I love you, Bella.”
“No, you don’t.” Bella laughed, but it had a bitter edge. “Okay, you love me like someone you’ve known for most of your life. But you don’t love-love me.”
So. Not the way he’d seen this going. “Yes, I do.”
“Ah, Nate.” She slumped, like someone had let all the air out of her. “You only think you do.”
“I’m pretty sure I know it.” She might be hurting his feelings here. The experience was new to him, so he couldn’t be entirely sure. But it certainly sucked. “What the hell, Bella? I tell you I love you and you react like this.”
“Nate.” She twisted her hands together. “You got a fright when you saw me with . . . like that. It scared you. It made you rethink things.”
Okay, she’d pretty much nailed him there.
“This is a reaction.” She shrugged. “How many times have you told me you’re not the commitment sort?”
“Maybe I’ve changed.”
“Overnight?” She shook her head. “The only thing that changed is what happened to me.”
For all of fifteen seconds Nate thought it over and knew she was wrong. This change hadn’t happened overnight. In fact, it had begun as he sat in her kitchen after hanging the Christmas lights. The only thing that had happened overnight was him waking the hell up. “No.”
“I can’t do this right now.” Rubbing her hand over her eyes, she looked worn out and beaten down. “I’ve waited for most of my life to hear you say that.” She slid into a chair as if her legs refused to hold her up. “I would have given anything to hear you say those words, but not like this. The thing is, Nate, when you’ve waited for someone all your life, you want everything from them. Not some fear-based reaction that won’t last.”
His timing sucked. True, he could go on about the slow-leak epiphany that had gone on for weeks now, but he needed to be patient. Keeping himself busy, he got the coffee started and made the eggs.
Seeing Bella with Adam had shocked the sense into him, but he wasn’t the one still in shock. Adam had taken something from Bella. Working up in SLC, he’d seen it in all the victims, the delayed reaction that set in. An attack like the one Bella had suffered took the illusion of security from its victims. The world suddenly became a much scarier, less reliable place. In the aftermath, victims confronted their own vulnerability. The screwed-up part of this was that the victims had to claw their lives back. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right, but if they wanted their lives back, they needed to find their way past this. Otherwise they spent their lives trapped in the fear.
He hoped like hell the killing bullet had been his and not Simon’s.
Bella glanced up as he slid the eggs in front of her. “Thank you.”
Her beautiful blue eyes, always sparkling with life and joy, had dimmed. The smile that used to knock him on his ass had been turned way down low.
Nate wanted nothing more than to get those things back for her.