Chapter Sixteen
Noah wasn’t usually prickly, but Amanda’s surprise visit and his night with Paige had gotten him all twisted up. He’d downed his third coffee in less than so many hours, hoping to hell the caffeine would start working its magic at some point. To make matters worse, Amanda’s words were replaying over and over like a stuck record.
I was just trying to warn her…
Was he so bad that his own sister felt she had to warn people away from him?
“Yo, space cadet.” Paul waved a hand in front of his face. “You going to make that coffee or keep staring longingly at the milk jug?”
Noah shook himself out of it. “Sorry, man. I’m off in la-la land today.”
“No shit.” Paul squinted at him. “What’s going on?”
“It’s nothing.” He poured the milk into the frothing jug and stuck the thermometer in. “Late night.”
“Oh really?” Paul leaned against the counter. “What’s her name?”
He wasn’t about to spill the beans on his one perfect night with Paige. Nor would he confide in his friend about his sister’s surprise appearance, knowing Paul’s views on Amanda. “Pillow.”
“Her name’s Pillow? Is she one of those hippie types?” Paul chuckled. “All right, I’ll back off. I can see when you’re not in a kiss-and-tell kind of mood.”
Noah grumbled under his breath and continued making himself yet another coffee. When he looked up, he saw Paige watching him with a funny expression. Had she overheard Paul’s questions?
“You’re early,” he said.
“Yeah.” She climbed onto one of the bar stools. “My roommate and her boyfriend were going at it like wild animals when I got back to her apartment this morning. Not something I need to hear.”
“Want a coffee?”
“I want to talk.” She looked at him pointedly. “About this morning.”
And he wanted to fly off to a magical land where he could sit in silence all day, ignoring his problems. He sighed. “Give me a minute.”
He dumped the espresso shot into a paper cup and poured the milk in without his usual finesse. If they were going to have it out, the least he could do was keep his hands occupied so he didn’t get the idea to distract her with all the things he would much prefer to be doing.
Why couldn’t they go on and enjoy the good bits without all this talking bullshit?
He fitted a plastic lid to his cup and motioned for her to follow him out to the alley. At least there none of their customers would witness it. He had no idea what Paige thought she was going to get out of him—talking about his feelings wasn’t exactly in his repertoire. And he’d shown her more of his life and his past than anyone else…yet it still wasn’t enough.
In the early-afternoon sun, she looked like a goddess with her light brown hair hanging in one long braid over her shoulder. Admittedly, right now she looked like a stressed-out goddess, but a goddess nonetheless.
“So talk,” he said.
“I want to know what happened,” she replied. She had her hands jammed into the pockets of her jean shorts. “We spend an amazing night together, and then I wake up to find someone half naked on your couch.”
“She’s my foster sister. I told you that already.” He sipped his drink, fighting the urge to run.
She had every right to be pissed that he’d booted her out of his apartment; he knew that. But Noah’s fight-or-flight reaction to conflict was most definitely of the “let’s hightail it the fuck outta here” side of things. Especially when it was clear that nothing he could say would change people’s opinions.
He’d learned that the hard way, over and over again.
“Didn’t seem very sisterly when she was telling me you were going to cut and run because we’d had sex.” She arched a brow. “Where the hell did that come from?”
“History.” He shrugged.
The hard walls of his defenses were shooting up around him—the accusatory tone in Paige’s voice had him rattled. And he didn’t like it one fucking bit. He wasn’t supposed to care what she thought of him or his morals. With other girls he hadn’t cared. But she was different—they were different, together.
This was a bet, a stupid decision. Which means, there’s nothing permanent here because she wants you to be someone you’re not. You can’t change.
“What do you mean, history?”
“I told you already, I don’t do relationships.” He sucked in a breath. “It’s nothing personal.”
“How the hell is this not personal?” She frowned. “Regardless of whether sex is casual or not, it is personal. We’re two people who did something very intimate.”
Like he needed the reminder. The second he’d buried himself inside Paige’s body in his shower, he knew it was more than he’d anticipated. Or rather, more than he’d let his commitment-phobic self believe. But what good would it do to acknowledge that now? He’d only be prolonging the inevitable.
She wrapped her arms around herself. “Last night was…”
Blood rushed in his ears. Last night had been heaven to him—holding Paige in his arms had been like nothing else he’d ever experienced before. She made him feel powerful, capable. Loyal.
All the things he’d wanted to be as a kid, instead of what he was: unlovable, difficult. Unwanted. She made him hope for all the dangerous things he’d sworn off. Family. Love.
The possibility of forever.
“It was…” She sucked on her lower lip. “You made me feel great.”
“Good. I wanted to.” He raked his free hand through his hair. “But that doesn’t mean I can give you everything you want. I know you’re looking for long term, but I’m not it. And I never promised you that.”
She swallowed. “I know.”
“But you thought you could change my mind?” He shook his head. “I’m sorry. That won’t happen.”
Her eyes shimmered. Oh hell, if she started crying he wouldn’t know what the fuck to do. This wasn’t like dealing with his sisters where he could open his arms and lend an ear. Creating false expectations would only make it harder in the long run.
“Are you telling me that you didn’t feel anything for me last night?”
He gritted his teeth together. “Yes. I felt something.”
Her lips trembled. “I mean feeling something in here.” She tapped him in the chest. “I’m not talking about feeling something down there.”
Noah averted his gaze to the brick wall in front of them, focusing on the lines and cracks so he could keep his composure. Of course she doubted his words; why wouldn’t she? Paige wasn’t different from anyone else in his life no matter how much he wanted her to be.
“Just because I don’t want a relationship doesn’t mean I’m not capable of feeling something,” he said with an icy tone. “I don’t only think with my dick, you know.”
“Do I know that?” She threw her hands up in the air. “You’re giving me mixed signals, Noah. First you tell me it’s not personal, then you agree you felt something for me. How the hell am I supposed to know what’s going on in your head when you’re refusing to let me in?”
Her frustration was too familiar. It ripped through him, cutting him with a thousand tiny blades. Right then, she was every family who’d ever kicked him out. She was his sisters’ crying when he abandoned them. She was the disgust and hate he felt when he’d looked in the mirror for so many years after he’d failed to find a forever home.
“I want to know what’s going on between us,” she said. “Because…I don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy, but I think we have something. You’re selling us short.”
A memory skittered across his mind. Back when he’d lived with Bob and Marie it was a crazy house—five kids in total. The girls, him, and their own son, Anthony. There had been a clear hierarchy among the kids with the real son at the top, the girls in the middle, and Noah at rock bottom.
So when he’d seen Anthony sneaking pills to Amanda, he’d tackled him head-on. Told him to stay the hell away from her. Bob and Marie, of course, didn’t believe it. No way could their precious Anthony be doing drugs.
Luckily, Noah had made his point. The girls seemed to be safe, and Anthony stayed away. But Noah’s relationship with Bob and Marie had never been the same after that. And it turned out that Anthony hadn’t gotten clean, as he’d claimed, because Bob caught him and Amanda getting high not long after.
But by that point the damage was already done, and Noah hadn’t gone back looking for an apology.
“Can you at least say something?” Paige looked at him incredulously, pink dotting her cheeks and making her freckles look bright. “I’m trying to tell you that I think we have something here and you’re more interested in staring at that wall.”
“Look, I’m not cut out for this, okay?” He sighed. “I can’t promise that I’ll never disappoint you, because I will. That’s how it works.”
“Why? You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do.” His frustrations bubbled up like lava. “You demand commitment up front without even being willing to see where something might go. How do you expect someone to sign on the dotted line straightaway? You’re setting them up to fail.”
“I want people to respect my wishes.”
“But do you respect theirs?” He swallowed past the ugly feeling clawing at his throat. “You knew what my boundaries were, and yet you came back to my apartment last night of your own accord. I didn’t force you into anything. How about you respect my wishes?”
Paige blinked as if he’d slapped her. What he’d said was 100 percent how he felt, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to take the words back immediately. He sucked in a deep breath and tried to slow his racing mind.
“All I’m saying is, I’m not the guy to help you complete that pretty picture in your head.” His fingers tightened around the coffee cup, because it was the only thing stopping him from wanting to pull her into his arms. To reassure her…but he couldn’t. “It’s clear you have a standard of perfection that you want to live up to, and I respect that. But I can’t be part of it.”
“I don’t have a standard of perfection.” She shook her head.
“Really?” Memories bubbled to the surface, all the half-hearted good-byes—each one fortifying the walls around his heart. Each one solidifying the idea that he was destined to be alone. “You’re looking for your dream job so you can buy a house and find a guy who’s willing to jump two feet into a relationship even if he doesn’t know you. Why?”
“It’s what I want,” she stammered. “I want to be loved and cherished and get married and have babies and do everything I’ve ever dreamed of.”
The very thing that drove Paige was what he feared most in life—striving for the perfect life. For the dream he’d nurtured as a little kid, that one day he might be a father because he would never leave his child. He could give someone else the protection and certainty that he’d never had.
But time had shown him that perfection was a myth. A road to disappointment.
“It doesn’t exist, Paige. The perfect life isn’t real, it’s a figment.”
So many times he’d been in this position. A new family, the possibility of belonging. He’d heard the shiny promises, seen the hope in their eyes. He’d watched that flame of hope slowly extinguish each and every time he’d failed to live up to expectations. Then came the excuses, the pointing fingers. The marching orders.
These days he marched on his own—taking off before someone could ask him to leave. It was easier that way.
“Do you find life is easier when you don’t get attached to people?” She squared her shoulders, hurt glittering in those beautiful green eyes. “Is that why you’re pushing me away? Is that why you’re giving me this….this act?”
“This isn’t an act. It’s who I am, and I never lied to you about any of it.”
“I think you’re lying to yourself,” she said quietly. “I think you feel something for me and I think you want more out of life, but you’re too afraid to admit it.”
“I can’t give you what you want, Paige.” He shrugged and sipped his cup as if seeing the hurt splash across her face wasn’t shattering his insides into a billion sharp-edged pieces. “That doesn’t mean last night was nothing to me, but I think it’s best if we don’t repeat it.”
“You’re right.” She nodded, chewing on her bottom lip and then soothing the spot with her tongue. “For the record, I do respect your wishes. I’ll pretend that you were only ever my boss.”
She turned and left him in the alley, alone and feeling like the biggest asshole on the face of the earth.
…
Paige got through her shift at First, but it was tough to keep the smile on her face, and by the end of the day her jaw ached from the effort of it. Noah had come back a few minutes after her with a blank look on his face. Without a word to anyone, he’d gone into the back office and locked the door. Sometime later he’d slipped out and the staff were speculating as to what had put him in such an uncharacteristically bad mood.
Ugh, that would be me—the girl who expects perfection.
By the time Paige made it home from her shift, she felt like she’d been flattened by a steamroller. Everything ached, especially her heart. Noah could deny it all he wanted—but Paige knew when she was right. Unfortunately for her, knowing that and being able to do anything about it were two totally different things.
She trudged up the stairs to Sally’s apartment and shoved her key into the lock. It was times like this she was grateful to be staying with her friend. Maybe they could put on some sappy chick flicks and eat ice cream straight out of the tub. Or order pizzas and play a board game. Anything to take her mind off her gut-wrenching disappointment.
“Hey, Sal,” she called out as she hung her key up on the little hook beside the door. An irritated meow from Damon was her only return greeting.
A note sat on the kitchen table, held down by a bag of dry kitty food. Paige’s heart sank. Sal had already left for the weekend—she and Travis were going to be painting his place in preparation for her move.
“Not you again,” Paige said as Damon eyeballed her, meowing insistently. As if sensing her hostility, his tail flicked back and forth in an agitated manner. “Chill out. I’ll still feed your cranky ass.”
Trying to ignore the stupid tears pricking the backs of her eyes, she carried the bag of food to Damon’s bowl and used the scoop to measure out the correct amount for his vet-ordered diet.
“I don’t think you need to lose weight. You just got a little cushion for the pushin’, right?” She huffed as Damon nudged her hand with his furry head. “Yeah, yeah, I’m working as fast as I can.”
The second she backed away from Damon’s bowl, the cat dug into his meal. The only noise in the apartment was the crunch of kitty biscuits. Was this a vision of her future?
“I should order my cat lady starter kit now,” Paige grumbled to herself as she headed to the bathroom and stripped down.
A lump lodged in her throat. Maybe she shouldn’t have caved? Because now she knew that she’d been right all along to avoid casual sex. Rejection still stung like a bitch, and even experiencing an electric connection beyond her wildest imagination wasn’t enough to get someone to fall for her.
You demand commitment up front…you set people up for failure.
His words were like needles in her skin. What was wrong with being clear about what she wanted? A seed of doubt had been planted in her gut. Maybe he had a point—she hadn’t considered what he wanted. Instead she’d woken up this morning expecting him to change even though she wasn’t willing to.
Paige stepped into the shower and hoped the warm spray would soothe her frayed nerves. Everything was so complicated. “You should concentrate on finding a job so you can get your own place,” she said.
But even that goal felt a little hollow now. For the first time since she’d left her little country town, Paige questioned whether moving to the city was the right thing for her. She’d left behind a loving family to chase her dreams of big city success, and now she had nothing.
Wrenching the taps, she got out of the shower and dried herself off. Her reflection in the bathroom mirror startled her. She was all blotchy skin, red eyes, and a downturned mouth. That wasn’t the Paige Thomas that she’d been brought up to be.
“Suck it up,” she said to her reflection. “Put your big-girl undies on and get back on the job hunt. That’s step one. You can figure the rest out later.”
Like a sign from the gods, her phone rang in the next room. The only people who called her were her parents, Sally…and recruiters. She darted into the living room, her wet feet sliding on the floorboards. With a skid, she stopped at the table and grabbed for the phone—missing it by a second.
“Damn it!”
She tapped her foot, holding her breath and praying that the voicemail notification would appear. When it did, she jabbed at the screen until the recoded message played.
“We regret to inform you…”
Her heart sank. The job interview that she’d hightailed it to on Monday—a job that she was massively overqualified for—had gone to someone else. Paige had failed. Again.
She lowered herself to the floor, unable to stop the wave of helplessness that crashed over her. This time the tears didn’t stop at hot prickles; they rolled in fat drops out of her eyes and skated down her cheeks. Her throat burned, the sobs wrenching their way out against her will.
Go home. There’s nothing for you here…
Something brushed her hand, and she saw Damon standing in front of her, his yellow eyes unblinking. “Go on. Say it how it is,” she said to the cat. “I’m useless.”
Damon climbed into her lap and curled up in a ball, not even moving as Paige cried into his fur. She’d give it two weeks—two more weeks at First until she’d fulfilled her promise to Noah. Two more weeks until she no longer had a couch to sleep on. Two more weeks of putting herself out there for jobs.
And if nothing came back to her in that time, then she’d take it as a sign that the city life wasn’t for her.