Chapter 12

Our local mall had recently been renovated and an addition of a large outdoor entertainment area had been added. The outdoor area was considered fancy for our town and was dotted with small, pretty water fountains and several lounge areas which faced a huge flat screen TV that sat about 20 feet high on one outer wall. The lawn was used to host various classes from yoga to toddler’s story time. And as I predicted, no one was there. We had the entire lawn to ourselves. I took off my shoes, enjoying the grass between my toes, and took a deep breath of early morning air. Any other day, I would have been enjoying a brisk walk around the neighborhood with Sadie at my side, riding along on her tricycle, but today clearly wasn’t an average morning… at least not in my life.

I sat down on the grass and folded my legs under me. Griffin sat down next to me. I shifted away from him, needing room for what I was about to say. I knew his nearness distracted me and I had too much to get off my chest to risk being distracted.

He cleared his throat and looked down at me. His dark brown eyes were studying me earnestly.

He reached out to touch my face and I pushed his hand away. He didn’t seem surprised, but hurt nonetheless. He sighed. “Where should we start? I keep screwing this up, so why don’t you start?”

I thought that was a brilliant idea. So, I led with a simple question: “Why are you here?”

“I messed up. Simple as that and I want the opportunity to make it up to you... and to our daughter.”

“So, you want to be a part of her life?”

He nodded. “But I want more than that, I want both of you to be a part of my life.”

“I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea,” I said, not looking away from him. In the past, I would have looked away, afraid to face him, but not today.

“If you give me a chance—”

“Why should I?”

“I know I can make you happy if you let me.”

I frowned. “I’m not unhappy. And I hope you’re not arrogant enough to think my happiness depends on you.”

He rubbed at his face in frustration. “I’m screwing this up big time.” He reached for my hands and this time I let him hold them. I looked at him and realized this conversation was probably really hard for him, and I bet for the most part things usually came easy for him. I wasn’t going to make this easy.

“I just want to be a part of your life and our daughter’s life. You can decide what that entails. I’m not going to push you into doing something you’d rather not do. I’m not going to rush you to make a decision. I understand that right now you’re probably not feeling that charitable towards me—”

“You got that right.”

“But, I want to get to know her... and it would be a privilege if you’d allow me to do so.”

“Nice speech,” I said, pulling my hands away. “But flowery words that you probably thought up while on the plane ride here doesn’t make up for the fact I’ve been mistreated by you and your family, specifically your mother.”

He opened his mouth to interrupt and I held up my hand to silence him. “Let me say what I have to say.”

He looked ready to argue again and I shot him a warning glance. “Let me say what I have to say or you can get back on a plane to L.A.”

“Go ahead,” he said reluctantly.

“I don’t really want to focus on the past. What’s done is done. You don’t know your daughter. You haven’t been around for the last four years of her life. You’re a stranger to her. We’re both to blame for that.” I took a deep breath and continued, “But you have every right to be in her life and Sadie has every right to have a father.”

“Sadie, that’s her name? That’s a beautiful name.”

“It was my grandmother’s name,” I said, and doggedly continued, “We’ll co-parent for Sadie’s sake. While you’re here, we can draw up a visitation schedule and custody agreement.”

“That’s not necessary. I’ll agree to whatever you decide.”

I gave him a long look. “I’m not sure I trust you.”

“Nina—”

“I’m not finished.” I took a deep breath, knowing that the next words out of my mouth would hurt not only him, but me. There was no way around it though, I would just push through the pain, because my next words needed to be said. I couldn’t trust Griffin not to hurt me. His track record proved that. “For the sake of Sadie, I want everything to be civil between us, but you need to understand that there is no ‘us’. Understood?”

He shook his head, “Why are you being like this?”

“Being like what?” I asked coldly.

“You know what I’m talking about... so cold and unfeeling. The other night you were writhing in my arms and now you want nothing to do with me? What’s going on?”

“I’m tired. I’m tired of getting tossed aside by you and your family as if I’m not important, as if my feelings don’t matter. I matter, Griffin, and until you realize that, there will be no us.” I stood up then and said, “Take me home.”

We rode back in silence. Griffin gripped the steering wheel tightly. You could tell that he was angry, but he didn’t say a word. I’d surprised not only Griffin but myself earlier. I think what happened to my father had served to make me stronger. Just like having to raise Sadie alone had made me stronger, dealing with the aftermath of my dad’s stroke had further developed my inner fortitude. No matter how much it hurt to tell Griffin that he wasn’t welcome in my life, it had been necessary. I had to demand more if I wanted more. And what Griffin offered me wasn’t enough. I was tired of hearing, “I’m sorry.”

I know many women said they liked a guy who could admit when he was wrong. But I wanted more than that; I wanted someone who didn’t have so many wrongs to apologize for. Griffin’s apologies were like band-aids, but he and his family were the ones inflicting the pain. What good was covering a wound when one didn’t have to be inflicted at all? That’s how I felt about my relationship with Griffin. At least Griffin apologized for the harm his mother caused, but that wasn’t enough. He needed to do better and I deserved better. I was done being hurt.

When he pulled up to my house, I said succinctly, “Meet us tomorrow at noon at the mall. Same spot.”

He nodded, and then as an afterthought said, “Thank you.”

I felt my resolve weakening, but I controlled it and resisted the urge to say something to ease the awkwardness between us. This was just how it had to be, I told myself as I walked away from his car and prepared myself for a conversation with my daughter about her father.

* * *

At exactly noon the next day, I waited for Griffin. He showed up with a bouquet made of candy and a giant teddy bear. He’d combed his hair straight back and was wearing a suit. He looked equal parts handsome and ridiculous.

“Did you really dress up to meet a four-year-old?”

He nodded and swallowed thickly, “I wanted to make a good impression.”

“She’s your daughter, not a potential business partner.”

He looked down at his suit and then frowned. “You’re right... I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.”

“Watch your language around her.”

“You’re right. I’m just nervous.” And I could tell he was. I peered at his forehead.

“Are you sweating, Griffin? She’s a four-year-old, not a firing squad, it’ll be fine.”

He sat down heavily next to me and said, “Where is she?”

“She’s skating with Kenny.” I gestured to the ice skating rink that was open year round. It was conveniently located at the back of the mall near the lawn. “They should be on their way now.”

I know I sounded calm and collected, but I was nervous too. I’d known this moment would come eventually, but I hadn’t expected it to come now. It was too soon, wasn’t it? Or maybe it was way overdue, depending on how you looked at it.

“Do you think she’ll be afraid of me?” Griffin asked, breaking me away from my reverie. He was nervously picking at the imaginary lint on his pants. I tried to ignore how good he looked in his suit. And I ignored the fact that I was highly amused by his decision to wear a suit. He really was trying.

“I don’t think so. She’s pretty stranger-friendly. We’re still working on that.”

“Good. Not that being stranger-friendly is good, but it’s good that she won’t be afraid of me. Do you think we should get her a bodyguard?”

“What?” I asked, my brows raised.

He shook his head, “Nothing.” He switched gears, asking, “Does she know who I am?”

“She knows about you. I didn’t keep you a secret. I’ve always mentioned you.”

“Oh, thank you for that.” He sounded surprised, but it was the truth. I answered any questions she had about her dad, but given that she was so young, luckily there hadn’t been too many questions and my answers seemed to satisfy her.

I looked at him and saw the sincerity in his eyes. It made me uncomfortable. I was building a wall in my heart to protect myself from being hurt by him again, but those eyes of his were wreaking havoc on that plan.

I shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. “I’m not a complete monster. I didn’t lie to her and tell her that storks had dropped her off on my doorstep. I told her that she had a father out there who really loved her and one day she’d meet him. I just didn’t think that day would be today.”

“You really told her that?”

“Of course,” I said softly. “I never stopped believing that maybe one day this would happen.”

“I’m glad this is happening.” He swallowed nervously and then said, “Do you think this is a good idea?”

I had to laugh. “I don’t know, Griffin. Let’s just go with it. Take it a day at a time and see how it goes.”

That was my new motto. Dad had been released from the hospital and just like he was taking it one day at a time, I was determined to do the same. No pressure. At least, that’s what I told myself.

I saw Kenny walking towards us. He was holding Sadie’s hand and they were chatting about something. Then they started to skip together and I laughed as they approached.

“Kenny’s really great with her.”

“He’s great with kids. He thought about being a teacher some time ago.”

They came to a stop in front of us, laughing.

“Hi,” Sadie said to Griffin immediately. “I saw you on my mommy’s porch.”

“Yes,” he said softly, staring at her.

“You’re very big,” she said, and I laughed lightly.

“Yeah, he is pretty tall, isn’t he?”

Kenny excused himself, saying, “I’ll give you guys some time to get acquainted. I’ll be at the food court if anyone needs me.”

He quickly made himself scarce and we all watched him walk away as if hoping he would come back to make all of this less awkward.

“Sooo...” Griffin said, rocking back on his heels. “I’m your dad.”

“Ok,” Sadie said, “Mommy says you love me a whole lot. Like this much.” She held her arms out wide.

Griffin smiled, finally starting to relax. “More like this much...” He stretched his arms out wide and Sadie’s eyes lit up.

“Wow! That’s a lot!”

She surprised us both then when she reached for his hand. “Come on, Daddy. Let’s skate.”

“I don’t know how.”

“I’ll teach you. It’s easy.”

They walked away leaving me behind. I didn’t know how I felt. Part of me wanted to cry. Well, all of me wanted to cry. I had to share my little girl and I wasn’t used to it. But the other part of me wanted to cry because she’d taken to him instantly, as if he’d always been a part of her life. The guilt I felt over the years slowly faded. It felt like the huge burden was finally lifted from my shoulders.

I didn’t know how we’d work it out since he lived in L.A. and we lived in Georgia, but for the sake of Sadie, I knew we’d find a way.

* * *

“Alright, Sadie. This is a hard one. Tell me when you’re ready.”

“I’m ready, Daddy!” she said excitedly. They were sitting on my living room floor playing Trivia games that I told Griffin she was way too young to appreciate. Apparently, I’d been wrong.

“Ok, what is the capital of Florida? You have ten seconds to answer...” He started to count down, “10...9...8...”

She put her chin in her hand and looked thoughtful. “Tallapopsie!” she yelled and I couldn’t help but giggle.

“Close, close,” Griffin said. “Tallahassee... but Tallapopsie sounds so much better.”

“Tallapopsie! Tallapopsie!” she sang as she bounced around the house in the tutu skirt Griffin had bought her. It was green with gold around the hem. It was the oddest looking tutu I’d ever seen and she loved it.

Nearly three months had passed since my father’s stroke, and Griffin, to my surprise, had been around the whole time. He left every other weekend to attend to business, but always came back. He even showed up one weekend with Jackson and his wife. It had been a nice visit. Griffin had promised Sadie he’d bring back her cousin, Rory, when he went to California next time.

He talked about Rory so warmly that I wanted to meet her. I’d pretended not to notice that the only person who hadn’t come out to meet Sadie was her grandmother, but I didn’t dwell on it. Sadie was clearly loved and I wasn’t going to let the absence of one person from her life make her feel otherwise.

The past three months hadn’t been easy on any of my family, but Griffin had been a big help. I hadn’t expected that. Kenny had returned to work a week after Dad’s stroke, but he checked in on Dad all the time, so it was almost as if he had never left.

With Kenny gone and Mom busy taking care of Dad, I’d thought I would need to put Sadie in daycare during my peak working hours, but Griffin had stepped in and for the past three months he’d taken care of her. It had freed me up not only to get work done, but to also help Mom take Dad to his appointments.

I’d worried at first about how things would work out, but I needn’t have worried at all. Sadie and Griffin were inseparable. She wouldn’t eat dinner without Daddy. She wouldn’t go to bed unless he tucked her in. She even insisted that he take her to preschool story time, which had been our activity. I had to admit, it had made me a little jealous.

As I’d asked, he had given me the space I wanted. He didn’t ever talk about us as a couple. He only talked about us as parents. And I told myself that was fine. That was what I asked for, wasn’t it? He was just honoring our agreement. Our agreement was that he could have a relationship with Sadie, but I was off limits.

But I would be lying if I said there weren’t days where I wanted his attention, when I wanted him to disregard everything I said about us that day in the mall and just take me into his arms and hold me. I missed sex with him too, that was a given, but I could satisfy myself in that arena... all while thinking of him.

It was the other part, the emotional part, which was hard for me. Every time he smiled at Sadie, the wall I placed around my heart cracked a little. Each time he tucked her into bed or stopped her from tripping and falling into a wall—she was so clumsy—made me feel closer to him. And he treated me with the utmost respect. He never crossed any boundaries. It was as if the man who had followed me and practically stalked me around the set in California no longer existed. In his place was a family man who dedicated all his energy to making his little girl happy. And as a result, that little girl’s mom was falling in love with that man.

I’d realized it early on and knew part of my hesitation about him being in her life was this exact scenario. I’d worried I wouldn’t be satisfied with just him building a relationship with Sadie... that I would want a piece of him too... and I had been right. That’s exactly what had happened.

Griffin had always occupied a space in my heart, but this new aspect of him, being a father, seemed to complete him. It seemed to make him a better man and it pulled at my heart.

I hid it well. I kept our conversations centered around Sadie. I never let him catch me staring at him. I was doing well, but why did I feel so miserable?

Every Sunday we went to my parents’ home for an early dinner and this time, I wanted to look nice. I wanted Griffin to notice me. I did my hair and put on a little makeup, hoping Griffin would notice. He arrived right on time and I instantly patted my hair and made sure my makeup looked alright.

My dad noticed and frowned. “Are you and the co-founder a thing now?” He still called Griffin Sadie’s co-founder. He said he was still waiting for Griffin to “prove” himself, whatever that meant.

“What? No. What gave you that idea?”

“You’re sprucing yourself up like you have a big date or something. You did the same thing whenever you’d go out with that geeky boy, what was his name? Brandon? Brent? Barry?”

I rolled my eyes, feeling like a teenager again. “Tim, Dad. His name was Tim.”

“I was close...”

I shook my head. “You weren’t even on the right letter.”

He laughed and made his way to the table. He was walking and talking without an issue. Aside from the barely perceptible sloping of his eye, you couldn’t tell that just three months ago he’d suffered a stroke. I knew that his hand on one side was still a problem sometimes, but it wasn’t something that was outwardly noticeable.

While his back was turned, I snuck another look at my makeup and tried to appear nonchalant when Griffin came through the door with flowers for my mom, like he did every Sunday. He never gave me flowers, I thought to myself. He whispered something in my mom’s ear and she laughed like an infatuated school girl.

“Aren’t you guys chummy?” I said.

They both looked at each other in confusion and then back at me. “Don’t be jealous, sweetheart. He hasn’t ever been in the presence of such a beautiful woman before,” she said.

I made a face at my mom and she laughed. “Fine, you want some attention. Griffin, tell my daughter how beautiful she looks.”

I blushed. “That’s not necessary.”

He looked at me and let his gaze drift from my face to my neck, to my cleavage, to the rest of me. It felt like he spent minutes devouring me with his eyes, when in fact, it had only been a few seconds. He met my eyes and said, “Breathtaking as ever.” He turned away from me. “Now, Mrs. Charles, what can I help you with?”

“Mrs. Charles was my mother-in-law, call me Ada... I insist.”

Great, now they were on a first name basis, I thought to myself, trying to forget the way Griffin’s eyes had devoured me seconds ago.

We all sat down at the table and I felt self-conscious as I sat across from him, although it was always where I’d been seated since this dinner became our Sunday tradition.

“So, Griffin, how are you liking Georgia?”

“It’s growing on me,” he said, giving my dad an easy smile. “I used to go to Atlanta on business trips sometimes.”

“Hotlanta is what I used to call it back in the day.” I looked at my dad in surprise. He never called it Hotlanta.

Mom rolled her eyes at him. “Stop trying to sound cool.”

“Trying? I am cool. Aren’t I, Sadie?”

She nodded enthusiastically before taking a big bite out of a fried chicken wing.

“She has a great appetite... I wish I had her metabolism,” my mom said looking sadly at the pudge that was starting around her middle.

“You’re beautiful,” Dad said, kissing her cheek.

Sadie giggled and said, “Kiss Mommy, Daddy!” I immediately froze but she kept cheering. “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!”

“Oh, go ahead, don’t disappoint the child,” my mom said helping herself to another round of mashed potatoes.

I smiled tightly at Griffin. He was looking at me wondering what to do, when Sadie said, “Get up, get up. Go kiss Mommy.”

He got up slowly made his way around the table and kissed me gently on my cheek, just as my dad had done to my mom, and I pretended to be unaffected by it. It was over quickly, but the feel of his lips against my skin, his nearness, the light scent of his cologne were all going to be on my mind tonight, whether I liked it or not.