CHAPTER 18
Joshua
When I feel her in my arms again I know I’m never going to let her go. Not now. Not ever.
“How did you find me?”
“That first night you babysat Brianna…you brought over some books. One of them had a credit card bill inside with your address on it.”
“Oh yeah. I use mail to mark my place sometimes.”
“Don’t worry though. I didn’t look at the purchases.”
She laughs. “I’m sure they’re not that exciting.”
“Everything is exciting with you. I’d watch paint dry and grass grow all day long, as long as it’s with you.”
She squeezes me tighter.
“I’m so sorry. Come in,” she says.
Brianna and I enter her apartment.
“Brianna, would you like to play for a minute while I talk to Joshua?”
“Okay,” she says.
Diana takes her by the hand and leads her to a bedroom. She’s back not a minute later.
“My roommate’s little cousins visited all the time so there are a lot of games in there. Her eyes lit up when I showed her.”
“Good. You always seem to know exactly how to brighten her day.”
“And you mine.”
I’m speechless. There’s nothing I want more than to give this girl everything. To brighten her days, and nights, forever.
“Can we—” I begin, at the same time she says, “I can’t—”
We both laugh.
“Would you like a glass of water?” she says.
“Sure,” I say.
“Make yourself at home, and I’ll be right back.”
I sit down on the couch and survey the room while she grabs a cup of water. I can imagine her and her roommate living here. It’s so simple, yet so well decorated. There are a few paintings on the wall. There’s some simple furniture. And that’s it. It’s Spartan, built for focusing on studying. The two tables with lamps in the room give it away.
“I bet you got a lot done here,” I say.
“Many a late night was spent right in that chair over there, that’s for sure.”
“I can imagine. I’ve had a few late nights myself recently.”
“I’m sorry I took off the way I did.”
“It’s okay. Your dad was out of line.”
“I know, but it’s more than just that.”
“Well, whatever it is I just want you to know you’ve got my full support, emotional, financial, and otherwise. I’ve got your back.”
“Thanks,” she says. “But it’s something big. Something that might make me not so interesting to you as I once was.”
“Nothing can damper my enthusiasm towards you. Mine or Brianna’s. She looks up to you like both a big sister and a role model. Nothing will bring her mom back, but the truth is right now you’re the best thing she’s got going on in her life…by a long shot.”
“Thank you. She’s really special to me too. I never thought I’d be so close to a child in that way. And now I know, well…”
I see she’s about ready to cry. I put down my water, and wrap her up in a big hug.
The tears flow. I don’t know if she’s been saving them up since that night at my house when her dad showed up unexpectedly or they’ve been turned on for the last three days.
All I know is she needs me, and I need her. And Brianna needs both of us.
In between sobs, she pulls her head away from my chest.
“I…I…can’t…have…kids,” she says as her chest heaves.
“It’s okay,” I say, not fully sure what she’s talking about.
“No. It’s not okay. I’m broken. My body will never allow me to have a child. I went to the doctor for a routine check up. They ran some tests and discovered the condition. It’s why I ran away. One of the reasons at least.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you won’t want me now.”
“I’ll always want you. You know that. That’s why I came here.”
“But I can never give you a family.”
“What do you mean, silly,” I say, tapping her on the nose.
“There are plenty of great kids out there looking for homes. I’m sure we could adopt, if that’s what we want when the time comes.”
The heaving from her chest starts to subside.
“You’d do that for me?”
“I’d do anything for you.”
She throws herself back into my arms and grabs ahold tighter than she ever has before.
“Diana.”
“Yes,” she says in a muffled tone with her head buried in my chest.
“There’s something I have to tell you.”
“Okay,” she says, pulling her head back and wiping the tears away. I reach in with my thumb and wipe away one she missed.
“I can’t have kids either. It’s one of the reasons I became Brianna’s godfather. I mean, I never expected anything to happen to her parents, but in case it did, it made sense. I was her dad’s business partner. We were great friends. And there was no way I could have kids on my own. But of course we never expected anything to actually happen. Who does, right? But here we are. And now that you’ve come into my life in such a big way I see the tremendous amount of pleasure it brings to have a child, whether it’s from my own creation or not. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that child has every opportunity in life, and it’s supported and loved and cared for, regardless of who participated in the act of creation.”
“You sound funny.”
“What do you mean?”
“Act of creation. You sound like a preacher or something,” she says as she laughs. “On the first day, Diana and Joshua created…nothing together.”
I burst out laughing. “Well, I’m glad you can see the humor in all this.”
“I’m glad you can too.”
“With you by my side I always see the bright side, no matter what. When we’re together there are no rainy days, no matter what obstacles the world throws at us.”
“Can somebody play with me,” Brianna says. I hadn’t noticed her come out of the room.
“Sure sweetie. We’ll be right there,” Diana says.
“See,” I say. I poke Diana playfully in the ribs and speak in a hushed tone. “Even she wants some playmates.”
“Yeah,” Diana says.
We both get up and straighten out our clothes.
“Want to eat your clam chow-dah, and I’ll get a game started?”
“How about we just order more…for all of us,” she says.
“That sounds like a great idea. For all of us,” I say.