Chapter Sixteen

Fox

 

Goddamnit. Shit. Fox fought to open his eyes. He could hear beeping sounds, doors opening and closing. Muffled voices bounced around in his head while he teetered in and out of darkness. He was on the edge of consciousness again and it felt like he had a hundred pound weight sitting on his chest. He wanted to open his eyes and take a look around but the pain was so intense. He didn’t think he’d felt this bad when he’d gotten shot in his shoulder seven years ago.

He didn’t know how long he’d been out of it, or what day it was. However, he did remember what happened. He was executing the mission with the Beastmasters when he went toe-to-toe with a twenty foot tall Russian. He’d realized he was being tracked, but by then it was too late. The man came out of nowhere and hit him, caught him off guard, and before he could shake off the confusion that the first punch caused, he’d been stabbed in the chest. He remembered chaos on the train and Mrs. Valenzo screaming like a mad woman. Damn. He hoped that someone got to her before that big bastard did.

Fox groaned as he shifted his weight and a searing hot jolt streaked through his chest and all the way to his toes. “Fuck,” he hissed.

“Hold on I’ll get the doctor,” a deep, sexy voice said beside him.

Oh god. Shot. He’s here. Has he been here the whole time? Fox would’ve smiled if it didn’t hurt so much.

The door opened again, this time a soothing female voice was calling his name; asking him to open his eyes. He wanted to and yet he didn’t want to. Shot. Can you talk to me Agent Fox? Can you open your eyes? Fox heard the questions and tried to comply. He could feel the blood pressure cuff expanding on his arm as the doctor continued to throw questions at him. His cover was pulled back and he could feel the bandage being slowly lifted off his chest.

“That’s looking good, Agent Fox. Healing quite nicely. I’m Dr. Janison. Can you open your eyes?” She pulled up his eyelids and shined her small flashlight into them as she spoke. Fox had never felt so weak. He couldn’t stand his tough SEAL seeing him this way. If it had been Shot that got stabbed, he would’ve had his surgery and been back at headquarters by now.

Fox slowly willed his eyes to open. The light in the room was overly bright and he blinked persistently, trying to adjust to it. Then he heard a click and the lights dimmed. “There. That should make it a little easier,” Shot said, coming back to stand beside his bed. Fox looked at Shot, took in all his beauty and strength. God he loved him so much.

It was like someone doubled the weight on his chest as he remembered that he and Shot were not together. Never would be. Shot didn’t love him. He was probably here strictly in an official capacity. Just checking on him like any decent brother-in-arms would do.

Shot dropped his eyes to the floor briefly before returning Fox's gaze. He could tell Shot knew what he’d been thinking at that moment. Fox turned his attention back to his physician.

After informing him of the details of his surgery, she began asking him a series of questions: Did he remember what happened? How did he feel? His pain level? After she was finished, and she authorized the nurse to give him another dose of pain meds. He was ready for a lengthy nap.

Everyone cleared the room and Shot came back to stand next to his bed. Though his throat was still sore – probably from the tube he had down his esophagus during surgery – he had to ask Shot his questions. “How long have you been here?”

“I was here as soon as they put you in a room and allowed you to have visitors. Had some stuff to handle at headquarters, but Viper kept track of your progress in surgery.”

Shot looked like he was nervous, like he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure he should.

“Do you remember anything after you were stabbed?”

“Yes,” Fox whispered. His eyes were still focused on the handsome man, regardless of the fuzzy feeling he had from the narcotics starting to course through his system. “You came for me. Got me off the train. I guess that was you just doing your duty.”

“That was not my fuckin’ duty and you know it.” Shot’s voice was stern, but his eyes told how he really felt. “My duty was to stay in position. But I didn’t. I’m a SEAL and I disobeyed orders to get to you.”

“Why’d you do it? I’m nothing to you. You broke orders for your fuck buddy. Because that’s all I am, remember?” Fox was trying to stay calm, but the more he thought of their last visit, the more upset he became. Even while they prepared for the mission, Shot didn’t have anything to say to him that wasn’t work related.

“Jason. Don’t do this now.”

“Then when goddamnit! Because you don’t talk to me anymore. You basically told me I’m not fuckin’ good enough for you. You dismissed me like I wasn’t shit. But, that’s my mistake for thinking I could be something to you… mean something. Every time we fucked you couldn’t wait to leave my bed. Hell. Maybe you have something better elsewhere.”

“Careful,” Shot growled and the fierce look in his lover’s eyes made Fox clamp his mouth shut. Shot squeezed the railing of his bed and he heard the metal groan under the pressure.

“Get out. You don’t need to waste your time here any longer. I’m fine. You can report back that I will make a full recovery, but I will not be participating in Backhander’s task force anymore.”

“Don’t quit because of me,” Shot said with little feeling.

“Get the fuck out, you heartless bastard.”

 

Shot

Shot didn’t think he’d ever feel pain like he felt right now. He turned back right before he opened Fox’s hospital door to take one last look at that gorgeous face, knowing there was a strong possibility he wouldn’t see it again. But Fox had turned away, refusing to watch him go. The man in that bed was his match in every way, but Shot was afraid. Very few things had scared him in his life. But Fox professing his love and wanting to have a relationship with him was as scary as it got. Shot let the door close softly as he fought the pull in his heart to go back, to not run, to explain his fears to Fox. But he wouldn’t do that.

Shot walked slowly past the nurses' station, giving the ladies a slight nod as they admired him. He wasn’t interested. Not even a little bit. He was out the doors of the hospital, moving through the parking lot, when he heard his phone ringing in his pocket. He looked at the screen and rolled his eyes in annoyance. He was not in the mood, but just in case the call was important, he decided to answer it. He hit the speakerphone, and didn’t even get the chance to say hello, before the deep timbre started in on him.

“You’re an idiot. Get back in there.”

“Hawk. Not now, okay? I’m not interested in what you saw. Leave it alone. It’s none of your business.”

“We’re a team, man. Don’t be bull-headed. Just go back.”

Shot had to admit he was curious about what Hawk saw. This is what he did. He’d have visions, premonitions involving any one of them sometimes. At first it was disturbing how he knew what they were going to do before they even did it. Hawk was telling him to go back, so maybe he didn’t see what Shot feared would happen if he stayed. Against his mood and judgment, he asked Hawk what he’d seen.

“I saw his face, looking torn and hurt… a different kind of hurt that wasn’t physical pain caused by the wound in his chest. What you just did pierced him through his heart. Then I saw you. Looking defeated.”

“He didn’t defeat me.”

“I didn’t say he did. The disease is defeating you. Don’t let it. You’re stronger than it is. You won’t hurt him.”

Shot climbed into his truck and slammed the door. He didn’t start the engine. Instead he let his head fall back against the headrest while he listened to his brother.

“You can’t be sure I won’t hurt him, Hawk. The dreams are too fuckin’ real.” Shot hit the steering wheel. Angry that he had to go through this. Angry that what he desperately wanted he couldn’t have. “Did you have a vision of me and him, old and gray, sitting in dual rocking chairs? Because if not, you don’t know what could happen.”

“No. I didn’t see old and gray. I did see all of us, together. Happy. Finally able to live the lives we’ve always wanted. To live the lives we fought goddamn wars for, Shot. Enjoying our lives. Void of missions and war.”

Shot tried to breathe through what Hawk was saying.

“He was there with you, Isadore. Happy,” Hawk whispered into his ear.

“It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want me now. He put me out.”

“Because you were probably being a dick.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. The man had just looked death in the eye. I’m sure the last thing he wanted was to wake up to you still claiming he didn’t mean more to you than just another fuck. Both of you just had a major reality check.”

Shot couldn’t deny that truth.

“I have to go back and check on Pierce now,” Hawk said, his voice still low.

“How is he?” Shot asked.

“He’s fine. He’s where he belongs. In my bed.”

Shot snorted. “You’re crazy for the little genius, huh?”

“Beyond crazy.” Hawk chuckled. “Look I’m gonna let you go, so you can do the right thing. Fox was almost taken out. Imagine how you’d have felt if he didn’t pull through the surgery. Knowing that you wasted precious time with him, for misplaced fear that you’d hurt him. There’s a ton of shit out here that can go wrong, Shot. Don’t miss out on what you deserve because of a bunch of fuckin’ what-ifs, brother.”

“I hear you,” was all Shot could say. He was thinking too hard. Could this really work?

“One more thing,” Hawk added.

“Yeah.”

“Take the meds. It’ll help, man. Trust me. I know.” Hawk hung up.

Shot sat in his truck for three and half hours before he got back out and took determined steps through hospital’s now dark parking lot. He made it to the elevator and pushed the button for the eleventh floor. Shot’s heart was beating wildly in his chest. He was going to take the leap.

He counted backwards from ten, cursing at the knowledge that he may have already blown it. He moved quickly past the nurse’s desk, a couple of them giving him knowing smiles.

He didn’t bother to knock on Fox’s door, he barged in and saw that Fox’d been sleeping but the noise he made coming through the door had Fox turning and looking directly at him. His face was unreadable and Shot had a sudden attack of nervousness. He needed to hurry up and say what he had to say. 

He walked over to Fox’s bed and lowered the side bedrail. He placed both hands on Fox’s face and pressed a soft kiss to his lips before pulling back slightly so he could look his man in those soulful eyes. Fox didn’t speak or question what he was doing. He just waited for Shot to get his bearings and say what he needed to say.

“When you were stabbed, and I heard your pained voice come across my earpiece, I thought I’d lose my mind if I didn’t get to you right then. I forgot all the training, all sensibility. All I could think of was getting to you. The thought of you being hurt… getting hurt, was too much for me to handle. Because… because.” Shot paused. The words were right there, ready to seal the deal, but he hesitated. No. No more hiding. “Because I love you. I love you so damn much. But… but I’m s-s-scared.”

Fox’s eyes were glassy as he listened to Shot struggle to express his feelings.

“I never spend the night because I don’t want to hurt you. I have PTSD. I have bad dreams. No, I have nightmares. Graphic ones, where I’m in the brush, or I’m behind enemy lines, or fuck, in the middle of a damn ambush and I wake up confused, not always knowing where I am or even who I’m with.”

Shot swallowed hard before continuing. “I hurt a lover in the past. We weren’t in a relationship but we’d hook up every now and then. He was a decent-sized man, but not a soldier.”

Shot felt Fox put his hand over his, and it gave him enough strength to finish what he needed to say.

“The one time I spent the night with him. He tried to wake me up by kissing me, but I ended up being startled awake, and I… I… I choked him. With my bare hands. He couldn’t even yell out to me. I’d overpowered him and no matter what, I was convinced he was the enemy, trying to kill me. If it wasn’t for Hawk’s vision, and him calling me at that precise moment, I may have killed him. I don’t fuckin’ know. The ringing of my phone snapped me out of it. Ever since then I promised myself I wouldn't fuck up like that again.”

Shot rubbed Fox’s cheek. Damn, he’s so beautiful. “I can’t fathom hurting you. I couldn’t live with myself if I did.” Shot rested his forehead on Fox’s shoulder and squeezed his eyes shut at the overwhelming sense of vulnerability he was feeling. He’d splayed himself out there, now he didn’t want to see Fox’s face. Didn’t want to see a look of pity for the poor traumatized soldier, or worse, see rejection.

He felt Fox’s large palm stroking the back of his head. He’d turned his face towards him, nudging him out of hiding. “Hey,” he whispered. “Look at me.”

Shot raised his head and looked Fox in his eyes. There was no pity or shame, and most surprisingly of all, not an ounce of rejection. His voice was raspy when he spoke, “You love me?”

“Yes,” Shot said softly against the side of Fox’s face. “I’m sorry I pushed you away. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“The right thing is to be with me. You telling me I wasn’t worth the effort hurt worse than any physical damage you could do to me. Don’t be afraid of hurting me. I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself. I’m not afraid of you, Isadore. Don’t end us because there’s an off chance that you’ll attack me like you attacked some other guy.” Fox kissed Shot’s forehead and a small smile crept up on his face. “Besides. I know how to get out of a chokehold.”

Shot chuckled humorlessly. “This isn’t funny.”

“No. It’s not funny. But, let me be there for you. Some soldiers that have PTSD have families too, and it’s critical that the family be there to help them through it. No one was there for my dad. He’s in a mental institution now. My mom died from her grief. I’m not going to let you give up on life. See a doctor, get therapy. Don’t be a stubborn fool and say you don’t need anyone’s help.” Fox cupped Shot’s face. “Or love.”

“I started taking the meds the night I left your house.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. It’s taking some getting used. I’ve never liked putting drugs into my body to alter my state of mind. But you’re worth it.”

Fox’s hand traveled around to the back of Shot’s neck and began to massage the kinks out. It took a lot for him to say what he did, and his lover recognized it. Shot moaned at the firm touch. Fox was strong. The strongest man he’d ever dated. The only one he’d trusted in many years to top him in bed. He needed to trust Fox with his heart too. After a couple minutes of rubbing his neck, Fox pulled Shot to his mouth and kissed him slowly, passionately. Sensually dipping his tongue inside his lips, stealing a taste of him. Shot’s cock was becoming painfully hard against his jeans, and he leaned in for more, still careful not to put any weight on Fox. Shot took his hand and pressed down on his erection, groaning at the delicious feeling. Fox mimicked his sounds and opened wider to command the kiss. God he’d missed this.

Fox tried to raise his head and ended up breaking the kiss with his hiss of pain. “Ahh. Fuck.”

“Easy.” Shot pulled back and lifted the rail of the bed. He could easily see Fox’s cock slightly tenting his thin sheet that was pulled up to his stomach. It looked inviting, but all that manhood would have to wait. “Can’t overdo it, Agent.”

Fox growled, “I hate this.”

“I know. But we’ve all been there. Just focus on healing. There’ll be plenty of time for that later.”

Fox settled back down. “There will?”

“I’m not going anywhere.”