Scarecrow sat with his back against the mesh of his cage locker for support. Ever since Tank had come back from Panama City, Scarecrow had felt the overwhelming urge to go AWOL and jump a plane. The fatigue was hitting him hard after nights of not sleeping. He could barely get through PT today and had skipped the gym.

“Jesus. You look like death warmed over many times. What the hell are you doing to yourself?”

His eyes snapped open, and he sat up a bit straighter. Ruckus stood with his arms folded across his chest, his shrewd eyes boring into Scarecrow’s.

Married life suited his LT, and it was clear every time Scarecrow saw him with his wife, Dana, there was nothing but love between them. Of course, Ruckus would make it work, regardless of the long hours and the deployments. Dana was a trooper and supported him in everything. He admired her as well as Paige, Kid’s wife. She was cut from the same cloth. And Cowboy’s woman kept him happy, evidenced by the snap and pop in his eyes. Then there was Alyssa St. James. Tank had found himself someone special there.

Scarecrow hoped that one day he could be as lucky as his fellow teammates.

He rose and poked Ruckus in his lean ribs. “You’re getting a rubber tire, LT. Dana keeping you fat and happy?”

Ruckus huffed out a breath and captured Scarecrow with his patented stare. “That your lame way of changing the subject? You’re going to have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull the wool over my eyes.”

“Damn right,” Scarecrow groused under his breath.

“What was that?”

“I’m just having a hard time sleeping.”

“Guilt will do that to you.”

Scarecrow gave up his pretense and pressed his forehead to the grate. “I let him down. I freaking left him hanging because I couldn’t deal with what happened to him. I’m so pissed.” He didn’t mention that his parents were struggling, and it looked like he was going to have to head home soon and make some hard decisions about his father.

“Why are you still here?”

Scarecrow whirled around and said, “What?”

Ruckus pushed off the cage’s frame, his brow raised. “Go. Get this shit over with and then get some sleep. We all let him down, and if he gets back to us, we’ll make sure he understands that won’t happen again. We’re a team, Crow. We work together.”

Scarecrow’s throat got tight. Those words should have penetrated, but he couldn’t seem to get the words about his folks past his lips. This was his responsibility. He was their only son, and he had to be there for them.

He just hoped his mom would understand.

Then there were the reports about this woman, this mystery woman who had shown up and was now leasing some of his parents’ land. His neighbor had said she was pushy and foreign, seemed like she was interested in things going on around Red River, new folks and the like. He had to wonder who she was and why she was there. All his warrior senses were on red alert.

But first, he had to get to Blue and they needed to talk. When Wicked showed up, Scarecrow motioned him over. “We’re going to Panama City.”

Wicked’s mouth firmed, then he looked away. “About time,” was all he said.

---

Blue didn’t know what had just happened between them. He’d always been open and aware of the metaphysical, and even though he had feared this, it had altered him. He wasn’t sure how yet.

She wasn’t moving, and he said gently, “Charlie? Are you okay?”

She raised her head and her eyes were warm, but something had changed. It wasn’t lost on him that in a split second, he’d gone from liking her to loving her. He knew she felt the same way, yet neither of them said anything. He wasn’t sure why, but the rawness inside him kept him quiet. He was still so screwed up. And there was that threat that now hung over them. Not knowing who those guys were in that van made his gut twist. Somehow, he couldn’t shake the feeling that it had something to do with his capture and torture. He was reluctant to put Charlie in the same position Elena had been in. Loving and helping him had taken everything from her.

But here with Charlie, he had found part of his center, knew now that meditation wouldn’t be so difficult and frustrating. It was as if his heart had been halved but was now healing toward becoming whole.

He hadn’t thought beyond Panama City, beyond his banishment from the team. But now, he was thinking he wanted this woman in his life with a need that bordered on desperate. Even though he was still struggling with enlightenment, he wasn’t sure if he was responding to true feelings or twisted emotions. That, more than anything kept his love for her under wraps. That and those men.

And he was, technically, still her instructor.

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“Untie me,” he said. “Slowly.”

She smiled at him and brushed at her face, her hair tousled around her head. The beach was quiet, the birds gone to roost and the sand undisturbed. But there was activity below the surface. Small hatchlings yet to make their trek.

The beach was full of life…and death. But Charlie had driven home what she wanted to teach him. In that, he was thoroughly the student. But he’d found peace.

She crawled off him as a wave washed over them, driving her back. She hit his chest and took a shaky breath. Their eyes met, and she cupped his face, running her thumb over his bottom lip.

For a few minutes she searched his eyes, and he could feel the bond they had forged between them tighten. She must have felt it too as she stared into his eyes, her face telling him that she was deeply moved.

Then she crawled off and began with the last knot she’d tied. He wasn’t sure if she was doing it deliberately, but she brushed his skin so often, he had to think it was intentional. There was nothing static about the way she untied him. She went slowly, then sped up, varied her pressure. As he was unbound, he shivered as if the ropes had been cocooning him, feeling his nakedness. Being with her like that, feeling the sexual connection to them and not acting on it made him feel powerful, too. Being roped was quickly becoming an experience he was enjoying, the art melded with him and his beliefs. What he’d shared with her wasn’t as erotic as it was a profound connection. The binding had given him the safe space to push at the memories of his torture until they receded. It had been about freedom and letting go. He wasn’t quite there yet, but this experience had turned out to be so much more than he had expected.

Their intimacy, already strong, had been enhanced through the rope.

As the knots released, he felt as if trapped negative energy flowed out of him, dissipating into the water that surrounded him, joining with the ocean to flow outward and get lost in the eddies and currents until that energy was spent.

When she got to his hands, she took her time. He was still uncomfortable, but he could better tolerate her touch there.

As soon as he was free, he slipped his arms around her and pulled her onto his lap.

“Thank you, Charlie. I need to talk now.”

“Let’s get out of here and back to my condo. I’m ready to listen.”

He sighed and brushed the back of her cheekbone. “You’ve always been listening.”

Back at her condo, they took a quick shower full of soft touches and warm kisses, both of them spent. Dressed in his boxers, he reclined on her bed as Charlie opened the French doors and a warm breeze lifted her hair. He opened his arms as she turned. She ran to him, snuggled up to him and sighed.

“It happened the summer I turned twelve,” he started, then told her how he had witnessed his best friend’s molestation. “I was shocked and disgusted. I knew it wasn’t right, but I was still young and naïve. Rory was never the same afterwards—drugs and alcohol. Our friendship was shattered. My parents wouldn’t acknowledge what had happened and insisted that I had to be mistaken. I felt betrayed by them, even though I loved them. I didn’t know what to do with all these feelings. That was the same summer I found a book on samurai, and I started absorbing their thinking. I had a room back at my house where I meditated and had my tea ceremonies.”

“You had?”

Feeling as if he had been turned inside out, he pressed his mouth against her temple and closed his eyes, his pulse uneven. “I trashed it after my LT told me I was off the team.” He regretted that. It was as if he’d destroyed his own peace, and in retrospect, he guessed he had.

“Oh, Blue.”

He drew a deep, shaky breath and pressed another kiss on the corner of her mouth, her touch slow and comforting as she softly stroked the angle of his jaw. She moved her head, releasing the fragrance of the wind and ocean. He inhaled deeply, combing his fingers through her hair, letting the satiny length slither through his fingers. Taking another deep breath, he straddled her, bracketing her face with his hands, as he braced himself on his elbows, the weight of his hips warm against hers.

As if understanding his emotional rawness, she lifted her head and brushed a kiss against his mouth.

“I guess it was worse because the camp counselor was someone I trusted. I even questioned myself when my parents said I must have been wrong. I guess I felt invalidated. It felt like my world had shattered to pieces. I’d never imagined that anything so horrible could happen in the world, or that anyone could be so evil as to deliberately do this to another person. An adult, no less.” He brushed at her hair, capturing a silky curl and rubbing it between his fingers. “I’ve never felt able to talk to anyone about what happened, not close friends or therapists. I’d tried with my parents, but with the SEALs…” he shrugged. “They’re my brothers. I thought they would always understand.”

“The SEALs validate you?”

He nodded.

“You feel like you let them down because of Speed?”

“They came for us, but it was too late. I felt like I had betrayed their trust.” Scrubbing his face, he rolled to his back. “I refused to talk about Natasha’s torture, the sexual abuse. I sweet-talked the psychologist into signing me back onto the teams, said what she wanted to hear. I screwed myself over. I’m trying to shake the guilt that I am responsible for Speed’s death.”

She climbed on top of him and looked him in the face. “You’re not. They killed him, and they treated you horribly. It’s not your fault, Blue.”

He took a heavy breath, and his throat felt full. Closing his eyes, he said, “Everything just festered, my anger overflowing, my problems with women triggering a sexual response, flowery perfume bringing on flashbacks. I felt betrayed by the team, especially the guys who rescued me. They saw what had happened to me, and it was humiliating that I had let it happen.”

“No, you didn’t. Again, it wasn’t your fault. The betrayal of your camp counselor when you were young triggered your feeling of not being validated by your parents, leading you to believe that you could no longer expect validation as a SEAL. Natasha played on that information to destroy you.”

“And it almost did.” Releasing a heavy sigh, he gazed at her, feeling so much better seemed wrong. He could see shadows under her eyes, and he wondered how she was faring since she’d told him everything. He lightly brushed his thumb along her cheekbone, then tucked a loose piece of hair behind her. He remembered that galvanizing instant when he’d thought he was unworthy of the brotherhood. He didn’t believe that so much anymore thanks to Charlie.

He stared at her, something painful happening around his heart when he saw the glimmer of tears in her eyes. Sliding his hand along her jaw until his fingers were buried in her hair, he drew her head down, the fullness in his chest making his throat cramp. He took her mouth in a soft, comforting kiss. Wrapping his fingers around the back of her head, he held her still as he softly, slowly brushed his mouth back and forth across hers, making them both gasp. “Thank you for being here for me. I don’t know what I would have done without you. I’m not sure I could even begin to find my way back.”

“You will. I know it. It’s just a matter of understanding what’s causing your conflict. Sounds like you figured it out.”

“Maybe. I think I should get more counseling.”

“That’s an excellent idea.”

“I have already seen the therapist Ruckus recommended. He’s a vet, and he seems to understand what I’m going through. We’ll see how it goes.”

After that, there were no more words. Blue tucked Charlie into his body, curled around her and let himself drift toward sleep. There was only a week left on this assignment. Maybe he would stay here for a few more weeks and see the counselor, then see where he was by then.

He didn’t want to deal with the fact that Charlie would be leaving.

---

During the final days of his class, he realized there was something wrong with Charlie. She was distracted and preoccupied most of the time. She’d get a bruised, haunted look in her eyes, and there were traces of hesitancy that had surfaced ever since she’d tied him up.

She had to be wrestling with deep-seated emotions. She was more vulnerable than he’d ever seen her, but she had to open up to him. It hurt him that she wouldn’t as she kept sidestepping the issue, saying she was fine.

It was as if she was stranded on a high, narrow ledge. No matter what he did or said, it didn’t matter a damn unless she let go and took that first step. He didn’t care how big a step it was, or how she took it. He just knew nothing would be possible unless she did.

And there it was, the hope that she would want things to be possible. Between them.

There were times when he felt as if he was an inch away from climbing out of his skin, and then there were times when she seemed so damned fragile that he would get her alone somewhere and just hold her. And every time he did it, she would huddle in his arms, almost as if she was cold and hurting.

Nights were different. At night, she didn’t want comforting or gentleness. There was a kind of wildness in her, an urgency, and she pushed him to the limit, pushed him until he lost it. And then the fire in her would consume him, and he would need her so damned bad and be so desperate to get inside her that there was no room for patience, for gentleness, for comfort.

He wanted to have it out with her, but afterward, when they lay spent and trembling, she seemed to need him more than ever, and even in her sleep, she stayed close.

The night before their last class, he had avoided coming over, but then he couldn’t stay away. Charlie was already in bed, asleep when he got there. Blue used her shower and crawled in beside her, hoping she would wake up so he could talk to her. She didn’t, but the moment he stretched out beside her, she turned to him. He gathered her up and drew her head onto his chest, a heavy tightness unfolding in him. In spite of everything, that one subconscious act affected him like little else had. He snuggled her head closer and shut his eyes, his throat so full he could barely swallow. Damn, he wanted her. But at this moment, like on the beach when they had connected so strongly, it had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with her. He’d been through hell, he could acknowledge that to himself now. He’d been violated, raped, and mind fucked. But Charlie was right. He’d given up his personal power, scarred by his experience as a child, and now he felt…almost whole. But meditation, the connection he’d had to himself, was still blocked.

There was still more…more that he had to overcome, more that he had to experience. She needed to work her magic for him one more time.

He awoke hours later from a disjointed, confusing dream, his heart racing and his lungs tight. For an instant, he didn’t know where he was. Then he smelled her scent and a sense of peace and gratitude washed through him. He opened his eyes and met hers. For a full minute they stared at each other, then with a pensive look, she turned onto her stomach and faced away from him.

He rose up on his elbow, then reached for her hands, entwining his fingers into hers. “Talk to me, Charlie. What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine.”

He clenched his jaw and growled. “Dammit!” He took a breath and tightened his fingers. “Everyone is always fucking fine,” he whispered. “But we’re not. Sometimes we’re hurt and bruised and nearly shattered. Most of the time we’re not even close to fine.”

He buried his face in her neck, breathing her scent.

Then she slipped away from him The space beside him so was empty, he wasn’t sure how he could go on without her beside him.

He sat up in bed as she picked up his shirt and wrapped herself in the material. She went to one of the windows that cast her in moonlight, her dark hair standing out starkly against his white shirt.

He leaned his shoulder against the headboard, the sheet slipping off his naked body. He couldn’t take his eyes off her, looking like an angel in the dim light. He decided he had no choice but to confront her.

“Come on, Charlie,” he said, quietly goading her. “We’ve been too close for you to pull this crap.”

She stared at him for several moments, then she rubbed her upper arms and looked away. “You’re right. I’m not fine. We’ve both been shattered, hurt, and bruised.” She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the glass. “Maybe too much.”

Charlie rubbed her arms again, her jaw clenched, her body tense. There was a long pause, then she said, her voice so soft he could barely hear it, “Maybe I can’t open myself up like I had hoped I could.”

It took everything Blue had to stay away from her. “How do you really know, unless you try? That’s what you told me. Take back your power.”

She nodded, then pressed one hand to the glass, staring out at the ocean. Blue waited, his belly in a knot. It took her a while, but she said, “I did tell you that, but only you could decide if it was true. I just don’t know. Maybe I’m just that kid looking for my family.”

The knots in his gut felt like a vise, and he dragged his hand down his face. For the first time, he sensed what she was trying to say. Massaging his eyes, he eased in a deep breath, then looked at her. “You’re not sure you can trust me enough for it be all right for you to risk yourself,” he said huskily. “Where do we go from here?”

She stared back at him, her eyes dark with doubts. “I know what you want and I’m not sure we can discuss a relationship between us yet. There is still so much to be resolved. Consider coming to my father’s estate in San Diego. It’s where I could really tie you, figure things out between us, a place where we can take the final steps together. Come home with me, Blue.”

Framed in the faint illumination from the window, her face was stricken. It was also the first time she’d ever let him see her insecurity, and the knot in his gut eased a bit. It wasn’t what he’d expected her to say. He wanted it more than he wanted his next breath. But his answer was hard to swallow. “I can’t, Charlie. Not with this nebulous threat hanging over us. I can’t, and I won’t put you in the same position as Elena. If something happened to you because of me, it would kill me.” His fists clenched and everything inside him was agony. “Do you understand me?” He looked back at her. “It would kill me.” His voice broke, and he pressed his back against the headboard, torn to pieces.

Then she was there, pulling him against her, stroking his face, soothing him in her arms. He rested there, with the heavy guilt of Elena’s death pressing in on him. Other than keeping quiet when he’d seen what happened to Rory, this was his biggest regret. He should never have allowed Elena to shelter him for so long. The anguish of her death washed over him until he was shaking.

“I would walk through fire for you,” he whispered against the heated skin of her throat. “Risk everything to protect you, even my own happiness. Don’t ask me to go with you, Charlie. I simply can’t.”

“Okay,” she whispered as if her heart was breaking. Blue knew he was hurting her and making it more difficult to overcome her fear of opening fully to him.

Maybe impossible.

But there was nothing else he could do. Keeping her safe wasn’t really something he could do. She was a navy diver, and she faced danger and death every time she dived. But he couldn’t handle being the cause of it.

She rocked him and slid down until she could wrap herself around him.

“I’m sorry, Charlie.”

And the impasse continued into the next day. Even as they finished out their last class, unable to even hide his turmoil, their eyes constantly meeting and sliding away, the anguish reflecting his own in those beautiful depths. He watched her walk away from him and disappear into the crowd.

He went to his office and started to gather his things to vacate it for the next person when the knock on his door made him pause.

“Come in,” he said.

The door opened, then closed, and she was wrapping her arms around him. “I’ll never forget you, Ocean Beckett. My baby Blue. Please, if you can, keep in touch…” She pressed a piece of paper in his hand. “That’s my information.” Then she raised her head, her eyes glistening. “And if you change your mind, my address in San Diego is on there. Take good care of yourself. Let yourself heal.”

He closed his eyes and gathered her close. With a soft cry, she pulled away from him and then she was gone.

An emptiness opened up in him, one that could only be filled by her. His jaw flexed, and he hit the stuff on the desk. As it crashed to the floor, he sat down in his chair and covered his face. She didn’t deserve this, and neither did he, but he couldn’t change the fact that someone was watching him. He had the sense that they were coming for him, and Charlie needed to be out of the equation. He would be ready for them. This time, he would be fucking ready.

---

The next day, when his cell rang, they had just called to reschedule his flight. He’d decided to go back to San Diego early. Staying in Panama City after Charlie was gone only made him feel emptier. He pulled it out of his back pocket and frowned at the unknown number. “Hello,” he said.

“Mr. Beckett.” The heavily accented voice shocked through him. “I am surprised you let such pretty girlfriend go on alone.”

“Who is this?” Her voice sounded just like…but it wasn’t possible. She was dead.

“Irina Komaroff. Natasha Golovkin was my baby sister. You killed her, taking something important from me. Eye for an eye, Mr. Beckett.”

The blood drained out of him. They weren’t after him…they had been after Charlie. He should have realized that. He’d seen them at her condo, not his apartment.

He broke down his phone, making sure if they were trying to track him, it would be impossible, then he boarded the plane back to San Diego, praying he wouldn’t be too late.

His only thought was: Charlie.