Chapter Thirteen
AFTER THE GUESTS and Sophie’s grandparents left, Sophie and Lindsay helped their mother put away the extra food, while Brett, JJ, Sable, Trixie, and Axsel folded chairs and gathered trash. Sophie loved that their friends stuck around to help after parties. They’d been doing it for so many years, they no longer asked if they were needed. They simply pitched in.
She stood by the kitchen sink watching her father and friends through the window as Sable directed the others. She was bossier than Grace, and as the owner of an auto shop and lead guitarist in a local band, Sable was good at making things happen. Sophie caught sight of Brett and her father carrying chairs to the shed. She liked seeing them together. Brett seemed a lot more relaxed than he did in the city. But then again, didn’t everyone?
“He’s really taken with you, sweetheart,” her mother said, joining her by the window.
“I know,” she said softly. He’s my forever kisses, and I want to be his.
“It’s a scary and wonderful thing watching my little girl give her heart to a man.” She tucked Sophie’s hair behind her ear, her lips curving up in a warm smile.
“Oh my God, you guys.” Lindsay pulled open the refrigerator and set a platter inside, then joined them by the sink. “I swear I live in a Hallmark movie.” She grabbed a piece of celery from a tray on the counter and bit into it. “Can’t you just celebrate the hot sex and steamy kisses and then move on to another pasture?”
“No,” Sophie said sharply.
“Just because you don’t want to settle down one day, Lindsay Anne, doesn’t mean it’s wrong for Sophie to dream of more with her man.”
“I never said I was dreaming of more.” At least not out loud.
Lindsay rolled her eyes. “You didn’t have to. It’s written in those starry eyes of yours.”
Their mother put an arm around each of them and said, “And there’s nothing wrong with that. We all know that you like to play the field, Linds, which I’m pretending means you only kiss the men you go out with and only after very nice dates.”
“I hate to burst your bubble,” Lindsay said with a laugh. “But I think I must be adopted.”
Their mother shook her head. “I assure you, you’re not, and I think I’d know after twelve hours of labor. You’re just more like your dad than me when it comes to settling down. You need to sow your wild oats first. But Sophie’s heart doesn’t work that way. She gives her all. I think she fell for Brett long before now.”
“Mom,” Sophie pleaded. “Can we not dissect the Secret Life of Sophie Roberts tonight?”
“Well, it’s true.” Their mother kissed Sophie’s cheek and finished wrapping the last tray of food. As she put it in the refrigerator she said, “I’ll go grab your dad so you kids can have some fun.”
“That won’t happen until later, when Sophie shows Brett the hayloft,” Lindsay teased, ducking out of reach when Sophie tried to swat her.
“Brat!” When Sophie was in high school, her father had caught her in the hayloft kissing the boy who had later broken her heart. She’d found out the next day that Lindsay had been mad at her about something and she’d told their father where she was.
“You love me.” Lindsay put her arm around Sophie and whispered, “You should totally do it. I’ll send Dad out with a flashlight.” She took off out the door with Sophie on her heels and ran through the yard, both of them laughing.
JJ caught Lindsay around the waist, and she squealed.
Brett intercepted Sophie. What else could she do but barrel into his open arms? They laughed into the kiss as he twirled her around.
His eyes glittered in the moonlight. “Gotchya, beautiful.”
“What are you going to do now that you caught me?”
All that glitter turned to steam. “If I weren’t afraid of embarrassing you, I’d carry you into the barn, strip you down, and take you every which way you’d let me.”
Oh, how she wanted that! But Lindsay and the others were already heading to the barn with their arms full of blankets and a cooler full of beer. “Later,” she said as her toes touched the ground. Then she remembered why she’d been running in the first place and added, “But not in the barn.”
They followed the others down to the barn and sat on blankets draped over hay bales. Sable played her guitar as they caught each other up on their lives and her friends got to know Brett. Time moved like a dream as she and Brett swayed to the music and Lindsay told them about the wedding she was planning for a couple in a neighboring town. She wished Grace could be there. She was the one who had pushed Sophie over the hurdle toward Brett, and she knew Grace would like seeing how happy they were.
“Seriously? Who has a cotton-candy-themed wedding?” Lindsay pulled her legs up beside her on the hay bale. “It’s weird, but it’s going to be cute. The bride’s gown is pale pink, which reminded me of Sophie’s homecoming dress.”
“Oh, Soph,” Trixie said. “I forgot to tell you Shane said he was bummed he couldn’t make it to the party, but he got held up picking up a horse with Trace in Maryland.”
“Trace is another of Trixie and JJ’s brothers,” Sophie explained.
“Does Brett know about you and Shane?” JJ asked.
“You mean that he took me to homecoming? It’s not like he could miss the picture on my parents’ wall.” She smiled up at Brett, and he leaned in for a kiss. She loved that he was comfortable enough around her friends and family to be affectionate. She’d worried when he’d said he was coming with her that he might suddenly realize he’d made a big commitment and freak out. But he clearly hadn’t, and if anything, she felt even closer than she had when they’d arrived.
“I think he means the after-party,” Sable explained.
She should have expected her friends to try to embarrass her. “Geez. Really, you guys?”
“After-party?” Brett’s brows lifted.
“He doesn’t know?” Lindsay dramatically flipped her hair over her shoulders and sat up pin straight. She turned toward Trixie and, speaking in an animated voice, as if she were a younger Sophie, said, “I had a wonderful time at homecoming. Thank you for taking me.”
Trixie leaned forward to kiss Lindsay, and Lindsay moved out of reach, causing Trixie to fall off the haystack. Everyone laughed, except Brett, who was trying to suppress his smile, and tightened his grip on Sophie.
Sophie felt her cheeks burning. “That was a hundred years ago!”
“Who doesn’t kiss their homecoming date good night?” Lindsay teased. “I would have kissed him.”
“Of course you would,” Sable said. “You’d also kiss my homecoming date, or Grace’s, or Trixie’s…”
“True,” Lindsay said.
“Why wouldn’t you kiss him good night?” Brett asked.
“Because!” Sophie glared at Lindsay. “He was a friend, not a boyfriend. But if I had known what would happen by not kissing him, I would have done it. He told a friend, who told another friend, and by the end of the next day, the whole town knew I didn’t kiss him.”
“Aw, my poor virtuous girl.” Brett pressed his lips to hers. “I feel insanely lucky right now.”
“Don’t you ever forget it,” Sophie said sassily.
“But Shane did get his kiss,” Axsel reminded her. “I wasn’t even in high school yet, and by the time I was, their midgame kiss was legendary.”
“Midgame kiss?” Brett asked.
“The whole town was talking about me,” Sophie said. “What was I supposed to do? I had to shut them up.”
“Shane was the quarterback for our high school team,” Lindsay explained. “At the next game, Sophie marched out onto the field right after he’d thrown the ball—in the middle of the game—yes, middle—and she ripped off his helmet and kissed him smack on the lips.”
“Then she curtsied and sauntered off the field like she hadn’t just turned my brother’s world upside down,” Trixie said.
“No boys tried to kiss me after that,” Sophie said, feeling mildly embarrassed by that fact, even though there were no boys she’d wanted to kiss. “But I did get a standing ovation.”
Brett cradled her face in his hands and said, “I would have wanted to kiss you. You’re the gutsiest girl I know, and I love that about you.”
He lowered his lips to hers, and Axsel strummed his guitar loudly. “Hey, I’ve kissed your girl.”
“I thought I heard you were into guys,” Brett said.
“My sister has a history with gay men.” Lindsay winked at Sophie, who rolled her eyes.
“I am into guys,” Axsel said. “I was eight and Sophie was babysitting. She brought stuff to make Christmas cookies, and there was this moment I’ll never forget. She was smiling, and her hair was falling over one shoulder. She was just so beautiful, and I wanted to kiss her.” He shrugged and said, “It wasn’t a sexual thing. I mean. I was eight. But I kissed her, and she said, ‘Axsel, you’re really sweet, but you can’t kiss me.’ I said something like, ‘That’s okay. It wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be,’ and we went back to making cookies like it never happened.”
“You guys are dead set on embarrassing me, aren’t you?” Sophie leaned over and touched Axsel’s hand. He had the kindest hazel eyes, and while he could hang tough with the best of them, he had a gentle soul. “You know I love you.”
Axsel blew her a kiss. He began strumming his guitar and sang, “If you’re going to break my heart, just break it,” earning more smiles.
“Did you babysit everyone in this town?” Brett asked. “Your mom introduced me to at least three people you babysat, and you danced with one of them.”
“Just about everyone who was younger than me. I loved babysitting,” Sophie admitted. “I was always booked weeks in advance.”
“She was the best,” Axsel said. “She’d come armed with crafts or baking paraphernalia and would let me stay up late. And she used to practice for the school plays and pretend I was her audience. It was fun.”
“You know she loves scary books, right?” Sable asked. “We used to tease her about becoming the sweet grandma who secretly wreaked terror on people’s lives in other towns.”
“You guys were mean to my girl.” Brett pulled her up to her feet and said, “Axsel, do you know the song ‘Last First Kiss’?”
“Heck, yeah.” Axsel began playing the song.
Brett drew Sophie into his arms, right there in front of everyone, and began singing the song word for word right along with Axsel.
“Dance with me!” Lindsay grabbed JJ’s hand, pulling him to his feet.
Sable picked up her guitar, playing along with Axsel. Trixie jumped up and began dancing around them.
As Brett sang about wanting to be Sophie’s last first kiss, her emotions soared, and she was thrown right back to when they’d danced on the sidewalk in the city, and before that, when they’d danced in the bar.
When he pressed his cheek to hers and changed the lyrics to—Baby let me be your last first everything—she knew in her heart they were meant to be together all along.
AFTER SOPHIE’S FRIENDS packed up and called it a night, Brett and Sophie went for a walk. Moonlight cut through the trees and tangled branches, glistening off the slow-running creek water. The smell of damp earth and lush greenery accompanied by sounds of crickets and other night creatures scurrying through the brush brought a peacefulness that the city didn’t offer. Between the close-knit community he’d met tonight and the serenity of Sophie’s parents’ property, Brett finally understood the draw of rural life. He’d always considered himself a city dweller, but with Sophie he could imagine sitting on a front porch overlooking acres of farmland, with a hint of family and livestock hanging in the air.
“You know about my first kiss and my homecoming nightmare,” Sophie said as they walked along the creek. “But all I know is that you haven’t had a long-term girlfriend until now. Tell me about your first kiss. Where was it?”
“It’s been a long time since I thought about it, but I was in seventh grade, and it was after art class. The prettiest girl in the whole school was Shelby Grand. She had long dark hair and big blue eyes, like you, only not nearly as beautiful.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek. “Every guy in school wanted to go steady with her, but I didn’t. I just wanted to prove that I was better than all the other guys.”
“That’s awful.”
“Probably, but it’s the truth. I was so angry back then, Soph, I could barely keep my head on straight. After art class I saw her at her locker surrounded by all her friends. She was one of those girls who was friends with everyone, not fake or too good for the unpopular kids. I liked that about her. Anyway, my buddy Cooper Wild liked her.”
“Heath’s brother?” Heath was married to Amanda’s sister, Ally. Sophie knew all four of the Wilds and their families.
“Yeah. I saw him coming up the hall, and we were friends, but you know, as guys we were always competitive. Plus, back then I was a bit of a prick. Always ready for a fight, even with friends. I have no idea how anyone put up with me, but I’m thankful they did. I strode right through the circle of girls and kissed Shelby right on the lips.”
“That’s so you. Kind of like my midgame kiss, except my guy had already tried to kiss me once. What did Shelby do?”
“She smacked me, then Cooper punched me, and we ended up in the principal’s office. My mother made me apologize to Shelby, but I won the fight and I got the kiss.”
Sophie laughed. “Of course you did.”
He stopped beside a weeping willow that bowed out over the water and drew Sophie into his arms again. It struck him that he was always doing that, trying to get closer to her. “Speaking of kisses…”
She tipped her chin up, and when his lips touched hers she made one of her sensual sounds, and as always, it sailed through his body like warm liquor, soothing and stirring at the same time.
“Baby,” he whispered against her lips. “Your kisses destroy me. I never really enjoyed kissing until you, and with you, I never want to stop. When we first got together you said you didn’t want to rush our kisses, and that was so different from anything I’d ever known. You opened my eyes to how incredible kissing can be.”
“Sex without kissing is just sex, and I didn’t want that with you. I wanted to feel closer to you, even if only for one night, and to me, kissing is the most intimate thing you can do. It lets me feel everything you feel. A good kiss feels nice. But when we kiss, I feel it all over my body, like it, and part of you, becomes part of me.”
“Baby—” His voice got choked by emotions. “I’ve never felt closer to anyone in my life. Your kisses are unforgettable. They’re there even when we’re apart.”
“Forever kisses,” she said softly.
“What, babe?”
“That’s what our kisses are. They stay with us forever. Forever kisses.”
“That’s exactly what they feel like.” He had the urge to make their forever kisses more permanent, to memorialize this moment, the time she’d given him with her family and friends, so they’d never forget it. “I wish I had a pocketknife. I’d carve our initials in that tree. That’s a small-town thing to do, right?”
“It is, and it’s a family thing to do, too. But we’re already on here.” She took his hand and led him around the tree, pointing to an area that had been stripped of bark, where two hearts with initials were carved. One of the hearts had DR + AR carved inside it, and the other had SR + FK.
“My parents call this the Tree of Forever Kisses. Nana and Poppi have one in their yard, too. When I have kids, I hope to do the same thing. Lindsay doesn’t ever want to get married, so her initials aren’t on here, which makes me sad. But maybe one day she’ll change her mind.”
She pointed to the first heart. “This is my parents’ heart.” She pointed to the heart with her initials in it. “And this is mine. I carved it into the tree in middle school. Sophie Roberts and FK Forever Kisses. That’s you.”
He laughed and kissed her again. “That’s any man, baby. I need a knife to fix that up.”
“It’s not any man. You’re wrong. Only one man can be my forever-kiss guy. My father is my mother’s, and my grandfather is my grandmother’s. My uncles are my aunts’ forever kisses. It’s how things work.”
She was so sweet, but she wasn’t naive, and he felt compelled to ask a difficult question. The question that made him think about his own parents and the relationship he’d seen between them before Lorelei died. “What about marriages that don’t last? Those people who think they’ve found their soul mate, but their relationships fall apart? Are they out of luck?”
Her brows knitted, and she sank down to the grass. He sat beside her as she said, “Not out of luck, no. Relationships can go wrong for so many reasons. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how strong your love is. The things that tear the relationship apart are too hurtful or too big to see your way around. But that doesn’t change the love that was there. Lots of marriages fall apart because of outside influences. The husband or wife gets off on the wrong path, or they grow apart, or they’re tempted by someone else.”
“That’s messed up,” he said too sharply. “Think about it, Soph. Temptation? Cheaters need to grow up. If a man or a woman commits to marriage, temptation shouldn’t mean shit. And growing apart? Yeah, I can buy that to a point, but if your partner is doing new things, get off your ass and do them with her. I think those are poor excuses people use when they’ve grown bored with their partner or to give validity to their insecurities when they need an ego stroke and reach outside their marriage.”
“So, what do you think is an acceptable reason for divorce?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I’m sure there are some. If you find out your spouse isn’t the person they led you to believe they were. Why do you think I’ve never committed to a relationship before this? Committing to anything means something to me. Marriage isn’t supposed to be disposable. The last thing I want to do is let down a person I care about.” The topic made him think of his parents, which caused him to be edgy. He pushed to his feet and paced.
“But your parents are divorced.”
“And? Do you think I agreed with that? They lost their daughter. A child they created together, a child they loved and raised for eight years.” His voice escalated. “How does tearing the family apart help?” He paced beside the tree, trying to get a grip on his mounting anger. “How can you turn your back on your other children? Or holler at your grieving wife until she’s ready to lose her mind?”
Sophie went to him, but he stormed away, splaying his hands like a warning. “You should give me some space to get this out of my system.”
“Brett, why are you so upset? I’m sorry I hit a nerve, but is it because you lost Lorelei? Or because your parents divorced?”
He looked up at the sky, trying to calm the rage eating away at him. “I’m sorry,” he finally said. “It’s both, and it lives right there beneath the surface. You didn’t need to hear all that. I’m sorry.”
She closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around him.
“Sophie, please give me a minute.” He tried to step back, but she held on tighter.
“Talk to me,” she said softly.
He ground his teeth together, upset with himself for burdening her. “You don’t need to hear any of this ugliness.”
She leaned back enough to gaze into his eyes. “No, Brett. You don’t need to hold it in. You committed to me, and communication goes hand in hand with commitment. I want to help and understand what you’ve gone through. My mom had a brother who died when he was young, and she said it was the worst kind of sadness she’d ever known but that talking helped.”
“Jesus. I’m sorry for your mom and her family.”
“Thank you. I can’t imagine losing a sibling, or what that would feel like. But please talk to me. Help me to understand so I can be there for you.”
He looked away, but he didn’t want to shut her out. “I don’t…I’ve never really talked about it.”
“All the more reason to,” she said with a small smile. “I’d love to hear about Lorelei. I know it’ll be hard, but I’d like to know what happened with your family.”
“Soph, it’s all awful.”
“It’s awful that you lost Lorelei and that your parents didn’t stay together, but it must have been wonderful to have had a sister for all those years. Were you close to her?”
He felt a pained smile tugging at his lips. “Yeah. Really close. She’s the reason I know how to dance.”
“She liked to dance?”
“Lorelei liked everything. She had a personality that was bigger than life, and she wanted to be famous for about a hundred different things—acting, modeling, dancing, baking, trapeze…” He felt a knot that had lived in his chest forever loosen the slightest bit. “She loved old movies, musicals, and plays. She watched all the old Fred Astaire classics, and she took dance lessons down the street from our house. I used to walk her there twice a week. Her teacher wrangled me into being Lorelei’s dance partner.” Memories flew through his mind at breakneck speed, bringing a smile. “I haven’t thought about that for a long time. My family doesn’t know. I remember thinking about how my brothers would give me shit for dancing.”
“And yet dancing helped you reel me in. I always wished I had an older brother. Lorelei must have felt so special to have that secret with you.”
“I hope so. She liked to pretend I was her bodyguard. A few months before she died, my parents took us to a Broadway show, and she wore this fancy dress. She was so excited, and she made all these plans about her big debut. My parents bought each of us boys dark suits.” His throat clogged with emotions. They were the suits they’d worn to her funeral. He cleared his throat to try to regain control, struggling to find his voice again. “She, uh, she wanted to pretend she was an actress. When we got into the theater, I put my arms out to the side and walked ahead of her, clearing the way, and said, ‘Lorelei Bad coming through. No autographs, please.’”
Sophie laughed softly, her eyes glistening with tears.
“She ate it up, waving as she walked through the lobby. Can you imagine? I don’t know how she did it. The girl had more guts and confidence than I could have dreamed of at her age. I haven’t been to a show since…Anyway, after we lost her, the whole bodyguarding thing tore me up.”
“Because you couldn’t protect her?”
He nodded. “We lost her so quickly after her diagnosis. That was the beginning of the end. We went from being a loud, happy family to not knowing what we were. My mom cried day and night, and my father worked all the time, and when he was home he completely lost his shit.”
“It must have been awful for all of you. I can’t imagine what your parents went through. They not only lost their daughter, but they had four grieving children to try to help through it.”
His chest constricted. “Yeah, it was tough, and the way my father handled it pisses me off. He was the man of the family, the one we looked up to. The man who was supposed to protect us. As stupid as it sounds, at ten years old I blamed him for her death. I knew then I shouldn’t blame him, but I was so angry and so fucking sad. I didn’t know what to do with it.” The words fell from his lips like bombs, exploding around him.
“Everyone grieves differently,” Sophie said empathetically. “You must have felt as helpless and lost as your parents did.”
He paced again, unable to stop the truth from coming out. “We couldn’t talk about it. We didn’t know what would set my father off. The overwhelming pain of losing Lorelei burrowed deep inside me, turning dark and ugly, until it was all I felt.”
He faced her again, taking in the pain in his sweet Sophie’s eyes. In that moment, the darkness of his past collided with what he wanted for his future, and for the first time in his life he wanted to own up to his part in their family’s destruction. With his heart in his throat, he stepped closer to Sophie, holding her gaze to be sure she would hear every word he said and hoping like hell she would still want him afterward.
“Sophie, as awful as that time was, the truth of our family falling apart is even uglier. I wanted to blame someone. I wanted to kill someone, and I’m damn lucky that I didn’t. I went out and got in as much trouble as I could. Fighting, causing shitstorms in stores, doing anything and everything to try to get that rage out of my system. Two years after she died, right before my father moved out, I was picked up by the police for trying to beat up a guy who owned a convenience store because he wouldn’t sell me cigarettes. I didn’t even smoke. I just wanted a fight.” He laughed at how stupid he was as a kid, but the reprieve was short-lived. The truth came slamming back like a boomerang.
“You were hurting,” Sophie said as she reached for him again. “You were only a kid.”
He kept her at arm’s length, steeling himself for the truth. “But I wasn’t a stupid kid, Sophie. You need to hear the truth before you give me any more of that sweet heart of yours. My father used his connections to get the charges dropped, but all that trouble I caused was misdirected. I knew it then, and I’m ashamed of it now. At first I was honestly trying to get past the gaping hole inside me. But as time passed my reasons changed. You know how I said I blamed my father? I turned that blame into hatred, feeding off of it. I thought if I got him and his anger out of the house, I’d feel better and my mom would feel better, but that’s not how things work. All that shit I did made things a thousand times worse for my parents. I destroyed him and decimated our family.”
A tear slid down Sophie’s cheek, nearly dropping him to his knees.
“I’m sorry, Sophie.”
“Sorry?” She swiped at her tears.
“That I’m not the man you thought I was.”
“You’re right. You’re not the man I thought you were.” Her expression turned serious. “Because the man I thought you were before we got together was a man who would never admit to something like that. He’d make a joke about it, or get pissed if someone accused him of it. And the man I’ve come to know? The man I trust with my heart?” She stepped closer. “That man has been slowly opening up to me, and everything I’ve learned about him has surprised me. That man owns his strengths and his weaknesses. That man is brilliant. But like the rest of us, he wasn’t born that way. You were a kid when you lost your sister. I can’t imagine how devastating that must have been for all of you, but to the ten-year-old boy who secretly danced with her? The boy who protected her and loved her?” More tears slid down her cheeks. “There are no words for how horrific and sad that must have been and must continue to be when you think of her. You might have been a really smart kid, but as you said, everything you knew was upended when you lost Lorelei. You can’t blame yourself for what happened between your parents. You weren’t acting rationally, and chances are neither were they.”
He wanted to take that lifeline and run with it, but he knew better. He needed to be sure she fully understood where his head had been.
“I knowingly did things that would make my father angry, and that’s shameful.”
“That’s a hurting child,” Sophie insisted. “I’m sure your parents knew that.”
He shook his head. “Do you understand the ramifications of what I did? My mother lost her forever-kiss guy because I couldn’t keep my shit together long enough for him to get through his own grief. She’s alone now, Soph, because of me.”
Sophie studied his face, and he wondered what she saw. The new pain slicing through him as he bared his soul? Or the relief he was ashamed to feel, because revealing that secret felt like he’d released a hundred ghosts from the cavern of his chest?
“People get second chances, Brett. You asked if broken marriages meant the couple was out of luck.” She shook her head. “There are more opportunities to find love and even to fall back in love with an old partner. If your mom is still alone, maybe she wants to be. Or maybe she’s waiting for your father to become the man he once was, or some rendition of that person. What I’m saying is, you’re carrying an awful big burden that you picked up as a kid. I wonder if you’ve added to it over the years as you became stronger and felt you could carry more weight?”
He folded his arms around her and touched his forehead to hers. His rational mind knew he’d only been a grieving kid, but the guilt he’d harbored had magnified. He’d kept that secret for so long, he expected others to feel the weight and shame of what he’d done, too. He’d feared that confessing would unleash demons he’d always believed could drag him so far under he’d never resurface. But just as Sophie calmed him, she made everything seem clearer.
“I don’t know. Maybe. It feels good telling you, and that makes me feel guilty, because you don’t need to be brought down.”
“You’re not bringing me down. You’re letting me in. Now I understand more about who you are, how deeply you hurt, and how intensely you love.”
“Sophie…” He was at a loss for words. He never realized how good it would feel to finally have someone to talk to about this.
“It’s not surprising that you didn’t want to get close to anyone for all this time.” She placed her hand on his cheek, drawing those feelings right out.
“And now I can’t get close enough to you.”