CHAPTER FIVE
I knew what I was afraid of.
We stopped at a little convenience store where she bought me deodorant and mascara, and I’d never felt more helpless and ridiculous in all my life. I was a grown woman. How had my life come to this?
It was like taking off the forty pounds of bling and lace opened my eyes. It put me in a different place—besides actually being in a different place. I was able to focus on what the hell my next step was. Or steps. Because this thing had a whole giant ladder to it.
Temporary clothing gave me the means to hit up those next rungs, like money, a cell phone, or possibly the ovaries to just go home and get the one I already own, along with my wallet and car. I didn’t have to wait till tomorrow night to meet up with Thatcher. I could be a big unbraided girl, go get my wallet from my brother, and go straight to Jeremy to hash it out. Get it over with. I’d have my car and a plan and I could figure out where I was going.
But I wasn’t going to, and I knew why. Because I knew what I was afraid of. Losing this clarity. Walking into familiarity. Hearing Jeremy’s voice and falling into the fog—where what he told me was best for me, for us, for everything—made sense. Staying twisted, because twisted was normal. It was easier.
She was right. I was jacked up.
With Lanie’s help, I was able to access my bank account and get a cash advance on a bank-to-bank transfer. So, with money in my pocket—or technically Gabi’s pocket—I started down the sidewalk toward Graham’s Florist.
It was heady, strolling past the shops of Charmed like a secret spy or a freed prisoner, the big Ferris wheel and roller-coaster of the Lucky Charm looming closer as I walked. No one knowing who I was, where I was, accountable to no one. I had no timetable to be anywhere, no one judging my purchases. No one to tell me I should get the frozen yogurt instead of the double dutch chocolate ice cream at the Charmed Creamery. In fact, marshmallow cream and chopped walnuts joined the party, with a drizzle of steaming caramel and honey.
Apple pie and an over-the-top sundae on what would have been my wedding day? It seemed appropriate.
I reached the flower shop, inhaling the scents already escaping through the mail slot. Gardenia was prevalent, filling my nose, making my fingers itch with the need for cool, fragrant dirt. There were customers inside, talking with a tall dark-haired woman, so I sat on a nearby wooden bench to finish my treat and listen to the sounds of the town. Cars driving slow. Two boys laughing on a nearby sidewalk. The thrum of a motorcycle nearby.
Small-town ambience wasn’t new to me. Cherrydale had this same feel, this same look, the same smiling, friendly people strolling by, but this was different. It felt all kinds of different. Rebellious. Free.
I closed my eyes as I spooned the cold sweetness into my mouth. Gabi was right. I needed to unwind. I needed to feel this freedom and the sun on my face. To remember how to be me without anyone or anything else at the wheel. Where I could shovel pounds of caramel and honey-slathered ice cream if I felt like it, savoring all the flavor exploding on my tongue—
“Roman-off?”
The voice, the sound, the proximity, and the giant shadow suddenly blocking the sun made me suck in a breath as my eyes popped open and my heart rate doubled. Irritation flooded me as well when I realized I already recognized his voice. I knew it was Leo before I ever looked, and it had nothing to do with the cute name he used for me.
Jumping to my feet was a mistake, too, as he was too close and bumping chests was unavoidable before he stepped back.
“Sorry—” I blurted out, half choking on a mouthful of chocolate.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m—I’m good,” I said, wiping at my mouth. “I was just—somewhere else. You startled me.”
“You look different,” he said, his eyes sliding over me. “Wasn’t sure it was you.”
I had to consciously tell my lungs to take the next breath, as the way he drank me in made me lose all normal function. Shit, Micah, find your brain.
I smiled sarcastically. “It’s me.”
“Did you mug someone for their clothes?” he asked, glancing down at my ice cream. “And steal their dessert?” At my look, he continued. “Since an hour ago you had no wallet or money.”
I chuckled wryly. “Yep. You have me figured out. She’s tied up behind that bush over there. I stole the rope, too.”
Leo shrugged. “Logically.”
He shoved the tips of his fingers into his front pockets, a move that made his arms do some delicious things.
“So, what are you really doing here in town, Mr. McKane?” I asked, pushing any thoughts about his delicious anythings from my head. He’d been the obnoxious asshole just an hour ago, so arms weren’t on the menu. Nothing was on the menu. “If that’s your real name.”
I knew it was. At this point, I’d gleaned a few tidbits about the mysterious troublemaking-then-disappearing Leo McKane. “You walked away from being my brother.” All of which told me he was not to be trusted, but none of which told me why. Because nothing about his persona said he was undependable. He came across as quite the opposite, in fact, like he could take on the whole world. Even the few seconds where he stood off with his brother, I got the distinct impression that he was the Thatcher of his family.
Eyebrows went up. “My real name? You’re one to talk.”
“Nice dodge.”
“Ditto.”
I smiled at the face-off, realizing I might have met my match when it came to deception, feeling a small thrill at the game I’d let get dusty for years.
“I’m Micah,” I said finally.
“Roman-off.”
“Roman,” I said, waiting for the recognition. When it didn’t come, I continued. “My family has a business in—well, where you picked me up.”
Leo nodded. “Did you talk to whoever you needed to talk to?”
“I did,” I said.
“Headed back there soon?” he asked.
“Not—today,” I said, my throat feeling weird as I said it. Like everything I said out loud from this point would seal my decisions in concrete. “I may stick around for a few days.”
And there it was. A few days.
He appeared to study me for a beat or two. “I am here for a job,” he said finally. “But there may be an ulterior motive or two.”
I nodded, attempting casual as I spooned a too-big clump of ice cream into my mouth, a third of it slopping down my chin.
“Oops,” I said around it, running the back of my hand over my chin. Boy, I had the sexy moves going, that was for sure.
His thumb sliding under my bottom lip stopped my goofiness cold. Every nerve ending in my body sat straight up and paid attention, sending all the blood in my head south. Just from that one touch. Jesus Christ.
“You missed some,” he said, his eyes dropping to what he was doing, then raising back to meet mine.
It was everything I could do not to suck his thumb into my mouth when it hovered a second too long, then—What the fuck, Micah? There was no denying it. Leo was the devil, and I was losing my mind.
“Is there a full moon today?” I asked, my voice all weird and husky. I cleared my throat. “Or last night?”
He dropped his hand, looking confused. As you do when people babble nonsensical bullshit.
“No idea.” There was noise behind us—thank God—as the customers I saw came out. “Hey, I was kind of a jerk earlier,” he said.
“Kind of?”
It was the best I could do with no blood in my head.
“I should say I’m sorry for that,” he continued, ignoring me. Or possibly not ignoring me, considering the passive apology.
“Well, when you decide, let me know,” I said on a smirk, attempting casual and unaffected.
Thankfully, the door opened again, and the tall, slender woman from behind the counter strolled out with Gabi.
“Hey, you made it!” Gabi said to me, while the other woman smiled and shook hands with Leo.
“I made it,” I echoed on a nervous laugh.
“Did Lanie hook you up?” Gabi asked.
“She did,” I said. “She’s awesome.”
Gabi grinned. “Lanie definitely has the Barrett helping-people gene, just like her aunt did.”
“Barrett?” Leo asked.
I looked up at him, my eyes seeing the narrowed gaze as he asked Gabi the question, but my brain still saw the heat and felt the tingle under my lip.
“Lanie Barrett,” Gabi said, nodding, then rolling her eyes. “McKane, now. I still haven’t sealed that in my brain. Wow, now that I look at you, the resemblance to your brother is amazing.”
“Brother?” the other woman chimed in. “Wait—McKane—Nick has a brother?”
Leo didn’t look super thrilled at the big reveal, or actually he just looked annoyed that it was getting off track, but he visibly dialed it back and gave a terse smile.
“Guilty,” he said.
“Holy shit,” the woman said. “If you’re single, you’d better hide. The females of Charmed will sniff you out like bloodhounds.”
Of Charmed, of Cherrydale, of planet Earth.
“So,” I said, decidedly wanting to move past this party. I looked at Gabi. “You said there’s a room?”
Gabi’s eyebrows lifted. “You decided to stay after all?”
“For a few days,” I said, feeling my scalp begin to sweat as I said those words again. “Nothing permanent. Just till I can get things figured out. Is that still okay?”
“Please,” said the other woman. “They are so excited to rent these rooms out right now, they’d hand them to serial killers.” She glanced between Leo and me. “You aren’t serial killers, are you?”
“Killers?” I said. “Plural?” I looked questioningly at Leo, who was peering at me the same way. “You’re staying here, too?”
“That’s the part that bothered you in that sentence?” the woman asked.
“I’m sorry,” Gabi said. “This is my sister, Drew, the rude one.”
“Sorry,” Drew said, cutting eyes at her sister as she held out a hand. “I manage Graham’s Florist with Gabi and sometimes my parents when they aren’t being hippies. So, you aren’t serial killers, are you?”
I had to smirk at her no-nonsense directness. “Micah,” I said, shaking her hand. “And no, not usually.”
I wasn’t usually a runaway from my life, either, so I figured the disclaimer was justified. But my question hadn’t been answered. By anyone.
“Well, then, I guess we can do the paperwork,” Drew said, looking at Gabi. “Is there paperwork?”
“I have no idea,” she said under her breath. “You know how they are.”
“So,” I began again. “We—Leo and I—we’re both staying here?”
“Evidently,” Leo said.
“When did you even—”
“I’m guessing while you were getting naked,” he said.
I refused to react to that. Gabi’s gaze darted between us knowingly, a small smirk tugging at her mouth.
“Is that a problem?” she asked. “For either of you?”
“No,” I said quickly. “I’ll only be here to sleep, anyway. And not for long.”
Why I felt the need to nail that down, I had no idea.
“I’m looking for a more permanent place,” Leo said. “But this is fine till then.”
“Well, then, let’s go write it down at least,” Gabi said. “Micah, we’ll do a day-to-day thing or something. Mom and Dad are upstairs fiddling with everything and I know damn good and well they didn’t make a form or a contract up so I’ll type it up tonight more officially.”
“Sounds good,” Leo said, stepping around all of us toward the door, his tone inferring he no longer cared about any of it. “Let’s do it.”
Let’s do it.
Why did I feel like those words would be my downfall?
* * * *
“Hey!” squealed an older woman with cheater glasses perched on top of faded blonde hair. She and an older man were arranging a rug that was already under a couch and two chairs in what was going to be my apartment. Both on the floor, tugging. She got from her knees to her feet in surprisingly good time, while her long, lanky husband took a little longer. “Welcome! Welcome! We’re so glad you’re going to stay with us!”
“This is Micah and Leo, Mom,” Drew said. “Do you—”
“Oh, how lovely,” she said, beaming, grasping both of our hands. “I’m Wanda. Martin, get over here! Are you just starting out, or—”
“No, no, no,” I said quickly. “We aren’t a couple.”
“We’re not together,” Leo added at the same time, gesturing over his shoulder. “I’m across the hall.”
“Oh, you’re our other tenant!” Wanda exclaimed, grabbing Leo’s arm, turning him around like she was leading a child. “Martin, come bring him over there.”
Leo glanced back at me as the tired older man led him out the door, and for one second I felt a funny kinship with him. It was humorous and comforting and sexy—I dug my nails into my palm as I turned back to face the beaming Wanda.
“You okay, honey?” she asked.
“I’m great,” I said, feeling like a mannequin. As I looked into her pale blue eyes, however, I suddenly felt like I’d grown up shelling peas on her porch and could tell her anything. “I’m just a little overwhelmed today.”
“Big day?” she asked, pushing up her glasses as she pulled a tiny notebook from her back pocket.
“Well, I was supposed to get married today,” I said. “But I ran away on some guy’s motorcycle, and now I’m thirty-two years old with no house, very little of anything else, about to rent a room over a flower shop, wearing your daughter’s clothes.”
Wanda started to chuckle, but winked and squeezed my hand like I’d just said I had a hang nail.
“Remind me to tell you about my fortieth birthday,” she said, to a chorus of low groans from Gabi and Drew. “The year my teenaged daughters blew up my house while their dad was out of town.”
“Oh, my gosh,” I said, glancing beyond her to Gabi, who was shaking her head with her eyes closed.
“Really, Mom?” Drew said.
“Let’s just say that we had to start over a bit, too,” she said. “So I know what you mean.”
“Yes, my school project was exactly like Micah’s situation,” Gabi said, deadpan.
“So, Mom,” Drew said, “did y’all do a boilerplate contract or anything?”
Wanda turned to her daughter with a befuddled expression. “A what?”
Drew nodded at Gabi. “Type something.”
“Yeah.”
Wanda waved a hand at her girls as if they were babbling gibberish, turning to me.
“Here’s the living room, there’s the kitchenette—it’s small but very functional—”
Now, when Wanda said kitchenette, I paid attention. It never occurred to me that the apartment wasn’t actually an apartment. Gabi had said rooms, and I heard rooms, but—my brain filled in the details like any other rental would have. A full kitchen you can cook in. What was before me was a stovetop over a cabinet, a small section of more cabinets, and a very small fridge. Like what a college dorm room mini fridge might look like one day if the kids didn’t wear it out and it had a chance to grow up. No freezer.
Well, that was okay. All of this would help me not stay too long and work on getting my shit figured out really fast. There. That was a positive outlook.
“Over here is the bedroom,” she was saying as we entered through another door. She slid a closet door aside. “Closet isn’t big, but for a short time it should be enough, right?” She held her arms out wide. “What do you think?”
She was asking for my blessing. Pride emanated from her as she peered around at what they’d made, and she wanted to know if it was good enough. I wanted to hug her and tell her it was fine, and they’d done well, but there was still something missing.
“It’s—it’s great,” I said. I could overlook the kitchen. It wasn’t like I was going to cook gourmet meals or anything. “What about the bathroom?” I asked, turning in a circle, looking for another door I’d missed.
“That’s right down the hall,” Wanda said, the big smile back on her lips.
I couldn’t have heard right.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Yes, ma’am, just a few extra steps down,” she said, gesturing that way. “You walk right into it. A full bath with a toilet, vanity, walk-in shower, newly tiled and everything.”
My tongue forgot how to work. Her overflowing glee was almost too much to bear in the wake of finding out I didn’t just have a college dorm mini fridge. I had the actual dorm.
“Umm,” I said, licking my lips. I looked at Gabi for help. Surely, she could have told me that part up front. That I’d be sharing a bathroom with my neighbor. With—“Oh, God.”
“Sorry?” Wanda asked, adjusting her glasses.
“I wasn’t aware of the bathroom situation,” I said, feeling flushed at the thought of sharing a shower with Leo. Not sharing a shower, really. Not like that. Shit, the flush turned to a boil at the image of like that.
“Honey,” Wanda said, laying a warm freckled hand on my arm, “I know it’s not ideal. But for just a—”
“Few days,” I finished with her, nodding. “I know. I just—”
“And let me tell you,” she continued, leaning in like we were about to share a secret, “if you have to bump a little personal space with somebody, that guy is no hardship.” She nudged me. “Know what I mean?”
“I—yeah,” I said, nodding. Gabi was chewing her lip to keep from laughing. I sighed. “Okay, I’m—I’ll deal with it.”
When we walked back out into the hall, Leo was coming out of said bathroom, raking a hand through his hair. He locked eyes with me and not in a Come get me way. It was more like a Did they tell you about this bullshit? semiglare.
Why was he glaring at me? I didn’t build the damn place, or rent it, or talk anyone into it. I didn’t even know he would be there.
“Isn’t the bathroom nice?” Wanda asked. “Martin tiled it himself. Didn’t you, Martin?”
Martin nodded on cue, winking at his wife. I still hadn’t heard him speak, but I assumed Leo got more than a mimed tour of his room.
“Yeah, great job, man,” Leo said, gently slapping the older man’s thin shoulder. “This will work short term.”
“Wonderful!” Wanda gasped, clapping her hands together. “Wow, I never expected to rent them both out in one day. Isn’t that exciting, Martin?” Martin nodded again, throwing a smile in the mix. “I suppose you both can start moving in your things any time.”
I held up Gabi’s wristlet and the plastic grocery bag of clothes.
“Done.”
That night was surreal. Once it finally got there, that is. The longest day in the history of days finally gave in to the moon, and I didn’t even have the energy to trudge down the hall to shower it off of me. I climbed in the mostly comfortable but foreign bed in my/Gabi’s clothes, and stared at the ceiling for the second night in a row, the everythingness of it all landing on me with a vengeance.
Tears pricked at my eyes. I let them come, tracking hot trails back into my hair. How had my life come to this? I woke that morning to brunch and mimosas before getting ready to marry the man I’d spent nearly a decade of my life with. Now I was going to bed alone and still single, away from home and family and everything familiar.
And I was okay with it. That was the mind-blower. I wasn’t crying because I felt sorry for myself, or over Jeremy. I was crying from the sheer overwhelming redistribution of crap as the weight lifted off me all at once. Like those people who have cars pulled off them, and they die from everything rushing in at one time—that’s what I felt like. Relieved, free, and, oh, my God, the euphoria of having my life back as my life—followed on long loop by the crushing rush of Holy fuck, what did I do and what do I do now and who do I have to face and is Jeremy hurt and oh shit oh shit oh shit…
Rinse…repeat.
I held up my left hand, shining my phone on Jeremy’s ring. I didn’t get married, so was I still technically engaged?
Did I want to be?
The question made me start as if someone had yelled it in my ear. I instantly knew the answer without a second’s hesitation.
No.
I did not.
Not anymore.
Screw a car. It was as if a dinosaur had been lifted off my chest, and I sucked in a huge breath like my lungs hadn’t expanded fully in years. The epiphany felt amazing. Sad. Liberating. And a little scary. I slid the ring off my finger, setting it in a china dish on the nightstand, lifting my hand to shine my phone on my naked finger. It was done. In my head, at least, it was done.
It had been day one of a reboot I never saw coming, and my head spun with the dizziness of it. I shut my eyes tight against it and let the last of the tears go. On to day two.