CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
Hawk
If there was ever a time in my life that I believed I knew what wonderful felt like, it was then. Liane and I were married by her father that cool spring day, surrounded by sprouts of spring flowers and the sound of the church bell tolling. The scene could have easily been in England — even I felt it was a romantic setting.
Liane was breathtaking in a simple, white tissue sheath with her long locks atop her head in a circlet braid with little dried flowers woven in. She had described the dress to me beforehand, although I wasn’t permitted to see it. Beyond that, I don’t remember much except that for the first time, I knew what it was to truly have someone who belonged to me. It was unimaginable.
After the ceremony, we went inside the vicarage with Vicar Coventry. Many of the church ladies had assembled a light luncheon with delicious foods they’d made in their kitchens that morning and brought by. Judging by the display, I had a feeling that many of the ladies might have an eye on the single vicar and were taking advantage of that opportunity to show off their cooking skills. Needless to say, he’d have leftovers for days.
Liane and I boarded a Quantas jet for Australia that evening, and as we settled into our first-class seats, I wished that we’d had our honeymoon night before we left. The anticipation was incredible. True to her beliefs, Liane and I had never been intimate; not even much more than kissed. To a man who could buy almost anything he wanted, it was unbelievably titillating. I was putting over nine thousand miles between my wedding and making love to my wife for the first time. I must have been insane when I agreed to that.
We touched down in Sydney, and it was seventy-five degrees. They were just approaching their spring equivalent of our autumn weather. We saw Sydney Harbour from the jet, and it was certainly impressive with its ferry and the iconic Sydney Opera House and bridge. This city of modern, white elegance had come a long way from its Aboriginal ancestry. The native Aborigines had inhabited that land since Paleolithic times, but the concept of founding hadn’t taken place until the first fleet of British ships arrived in 1788. Even then, that beautiful landscape had been used as a British penal colony. I’d had plenty of time to read up on the country’s history on that nine-thousand-mile flight.
Our concierge had a limo waiting with champagne and a seafood tidbit selection, but I opted to wait until we reached our destination. I was tired, even after sleeping on the jet, and wanted my full faculties for my bridal night. I had booked Barford, a luxury home that had the appearance of an English manor house. I thought Liane would appreciate the ambiance.
Although there were only two of us, the home featured ten bedrooms and baths and included manicured lawns and a view of Sydney Harbour. It was completely private. I’d requested a Lamborghini be available for private sight-seeing. Although the kitchen was to be fully stocked and staffed with a chef, I wanted to try some of the local cuisine while we were there.
When we arrived, our driver left us at an impressive entrance with a massive black door surrounded by leaded glass. Once inside the harlequin-tiled entryway, we were briefly introduced to the staff who maintained the house and grounds as well as the comfort of the guests. We were shown through the ground floor rooms beginning with a comfortable living area banked by fireplaces and windows overlooking the harbour. Most of the house was built around a central courtyard. The inside rooms had doors that opened onto it. The outside rooms had views of the extensive, manicured grounds or the harbour itself. Decorated traditionally but in subtle prints and white marble baths and kitchen, the overall effect was one of being in a shaft of heavenly light surrounded by water and greenspace. The lower level offered a massive workout room and a home theatre banked by white leather seating. A pool in the back completed the luxury. I felt a pull between wanting to have the home filled with friends so we could party non-stop and the more realistic and immediate desire to be alone with my new wife.
Liane asked if she might use one of the bedrooms as a dressing room and I swallowed, suggesting she use the one next to ours. She looked at me funny, but I did my best to not think of the surprise awaiting her there so she wouldn’t sense it.
When she turned away, I blew out a breath watching the innocent creature walk to her slaughter.
Liane
I stood in the midst of such luxury and wondered how I’d gotten there. Our ceremony had been lovely and the fact that Dad performed it made it an intensely personal experience. Hawk had looked so handsome in his black tux and a corsage made of Lily of the Valley, my favorite flower. After our kiss, I blew one to Auggie who I sensed was watching from somewhere behind us. I felt so bad that she couldn’t be a part of our special day, but I knew Hawk was right. To have the tension that lay between him and some members of his family at our ceremony would have ruined it.
Ecstatically happy as I was, Dad had given me a rather uncomfortable, stern speech before we left. It had something to do with being a good wife and keeping my husband happy. I think it was his rendition of what he supposed Mom would have said had she been there. She was there, in a way. That’s why I wanted our ceremony in the churchyard, where she could watch from her spot in the cemetery a few feet away. I felt her spirit with us, and I knew she approved of the man I’d chosen to be my husband for life.
The flight to Australia was unexpectedly long. I don’t know what possessed me to want to go there. Perhaps it was the idea that it was so far away from all that was familiar, and I wanted Hawk and my early married life to experience something novel and untried. I also knew I was drawn to the animals and terrain of the country, so that made the flight more endurable.
Hawk was restless, and I suspected that it was a combination of the anticipation of our wedding night, combined with the simple reality that he couldn’t just take off somewhere on his own for the duration of the flight. He hated being trapped.
Once we arrived at the estate, I was absolutely bowled over by its charm and opulence. Hawk had completely outdone himself by selecting it. I would have been perfectly happy in an inexpensive motel near a tourist attraction, but Hawk understood the finer things. I felt like a princess in her castle.
I took over one of the rooms for my luggage and to get ready for my wedding night. My cases had already been unpacked and things hung in the closet. What I wasn’t prepared for was the second closet. Hawk had engaged the services of a personal shopper who had filled it with an entire wardrobe, all in my size and selected to flatter me personally. Now I understood why he’d insisted on that picture-taking episode one evening at his house and why I’d found my closet door standing open in my apartment. He’d evidently been peeking for sizes. This made me smile. He was so wonderfully thoughtful and generous.
I fingered the beautiful clothing and found a white, almost transparent negligee hanging at the front of the other items. There was a blue, velvet box strapped to the hanger and I opened it to find a matching pearl necklace with green diamonds and stud earrings. I knew he’d intended that I wear this so I asked the maid who was standing by to lay it out and run me a bath. I was a bit uncomfortable having a servant, but I knew it was her job and to be less than gracious would be insulting to her.
While she did this, I took advantage of the view over Sydney Harbour. There were two cruise ships entering the port and the layered decks looked like floating wedding cakes. There were beautiful flowers, trees and birds I’d never seen before. What a strangely exotic and different place to be and I was very glad that Hawk was with me. As a rather timid person, this would have been too much for me to enjoy all on my own.
The maid came to get me, and I went into the white marbled spa and settled into the bath. It felt decadently luxurious after the rigors of the flight. I almost fell asleep. I was very nervous about the upcoming night and took my time getting ready.
After helping me dress and brushing my hair until it gleamed, the maid respectfully ushered me to the hallway, pointed out Hawk’s door and then disappeared. I put my hand on the knob, the new diamond ring sparkling on my left hand and opened the door. The night I’d waited for my entire life was about to begin.
Hawk was standing by the window. His profile was to me, and I could see he was dressed in only a pair of silk pajama pants, gold with black fleur-de-lis in design. One muscled forearm was flexing as his hand gripped the window lock. He wouldn’t look at me. His hair, still damp from bathing, was brushed back and tucked behind his ears, although one dark lock hung down in his face.
“Hawk?” Perhaps he didn’t hear me come in, although I knew he had. He didn’t flinch but continued looking out the window at some undeterminable point in space. I took a few steps toward him, and as I did, I could see his face wasn’t damp from bathing. He was in a cold sweat. “Hawk!” I was alarmed. My tower of strength was having a full out meltdown. “What is it? What’s wrong?
His voice, normally deep and commanding was whispery and raw. “I can’t do this.”
“Can’t do what?” I asked him, not believing that he could possibly mean what I was afraid he meant.
He turned now, his strong, handsome physique withering as he did so. “I can’t make love to you.”
I was right!
My heart thumped in my throat. I timed a few beats, mentally approaching the thought of what he’d said and searching for some logical explanation. I moved closer to him, the gauzy negligee swirling around my legs. I reached out a hand toward him, but he pulled away. “Right,” I acknowledged, nodding and moving back across the room to sit on the edge of the bed. “Come and sit down, Hawk. Let’s talk about this.” I patted the spot beside me.
“There’s nothing to talk about. This has all been a horrible mistake. We should have never come here; should never have gotten married. It’s not too late. If we don’t consummate this, it just goes away, like it never happened.”
I don’t know what happened in the hour we’d been apart, but it was clear the demons in his head had done a good job tormenting him. He was panting with some emotional exorcism, and the perspiration was beginning to trail down his powerfully-muscled chest. I found myself torn. I felt desire for the man I loved and now wanted to touch so intimately, but I felt compassion for a creature who was obviously in trouble. I could sense his pain, although I had no idea of the cause. This was far, far deeper than wedding jitters.
“Would you answer something for me?” I asked, keeping my voice gentle.
He swallowed. “Of course.”
“Do you love me?”
He met my eyes. “With every fiber of my body.”
“Have I done something to anger you?”
“You? How could you? You’re the gentlest person I’ve ever known. No, Liane, it has nothing to do with you.”
“Then, while we are still friends who care about one another, let’s sit and talk about this. If, when we’re done, you want to annul the marriage, I’ll go along and just disappear from your life.”
“Don’t you hate me?” he cried in a ragged voice, dragging his hands through his hair.
His pain speared me so intensely I nearly doubled over. I took a deep breath. “Of course not! I feel your pain, Hawk. Do you understand? You can’t keep the pain from me. I feel it every bit as real as you do. Please, come here and sit. Let’s open this pain and get rid of it. It’s hurting me too.”
He couldn’t argue with that. He didn’t want me to hurt, and the idea that he was the source was enough to convince him to come and sit on the bed.
“Good. Hawk, whatever it is, we will work through it. I love you. I’m not simply in love with you, but I love everything about you. The way you look, talk, feel, think… even the way you cuss when things don’t go your way. You need to understand that it’s unconditional love that will never end.”
“Why?” he asked me. “Why do you love me, Liane? I’m bad news. I’m a bad seed. I should have never been born. My parents tried to get rid of me, my brother hates me — don’t deny it, I can see it in his eyes. I’ve never made many friends. They all end up wanting to get rid of or get away from me. I can’t saddle you with that. I can’t take your beautiful innocence here, even under the edict of marriage and then have it hurt you. Somewhere along the way, Liane, believe me. You will want to get away from me too. It will happen. It always does.”
His thoughts took my breath away. I’d never known anything in my life, but loving support and the idea that I wasn’t wanted was something I couldn’t understand.
“I see where your pain comes from and can understand why you feel this way. I truly do. You’ve forgotten one thing, though.”
He looked at me and even now, I saw the desire in his eyes. Doubtless the lamp behind me was outlining my form beneath the sheer fabric. I belonged to him. He no longer needed to ask, or wait or plan how to get me. I was his. He’d won. Now that the challenge was past, he was afraid to reach out and take the prize. It had always been denied him at the last moment. Somehow things never worked out for him. He’d been born rich, handsome, and with magnetic parents. A fairytale upbringing. Then everything soured, and he ended up exiled and unwanted. Of course, he doubted what we had. Who wouldn’t?
“You’ve forgotten that you’re no longer alone, Hawk. From the first time we met at the Y, I knew I belonged to you. That’s why I was drawn to you. We were simply two halves of a whole, waiting to meet. There is an attraction between us that can’t be altered. Even if we leave this moment and never see one another again, there will always be a part of you that’s missing, and that part is me. I’m what makes you whole, Hawk. Me. Not your parents or siblings or anyone else. Not your money, your reputation — no one but me. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”
I saw him sway slightly forward, as though subliminally toward the goal of embracing me. He held back, though, like a child who’s been offered candy but knows he’s not to have it. I held out my hand. “Just take it. Feel me.”
His hand reached toward me, his mouth opened and breathing hard. The closer he got to my hand, the more his shook. Finally, he punched the bed. “Damn! It’s no good! I can’t take your sweet innocence away, Liane. I’m rotten, and I’ll make you rotten.”
I let him have his moment and then I rose to my feet and turned to face him. “No, Hawk. It isn’t you who will make me rotten; it is I who will make you pure.” I swirled around to the door and opened it. I didn’t turn around. “Before I head butt you again, I’m going back to my dressing room. It’s the second door on the left if you want me. Tomorrow you can book our flight, and we’ll go back to Louisville. I’ll agree to the annulment. I can’t force you to take something that’s already yours. Let me say this one thing, however. If you think that keeping me in your life will bring me pain, you have absolutely no appreciation for what I’m feeling at this moment.” Without drama, I smoothly glided out of the room, closing the door gently behind me.
I went back to my dressing room, tossing the clothing choices and bags onto the floor. I threw back the covers and slid in, huddled like a disciplined child. The tears began, and I let them come. I could go no closer to him. If he wanted to remain alone, whether it was out of fear for me, or a self-imposed isolation that allowed him to obstinately be a martyr for the rest of his life, it was what it would be. I couldn’t change it.
***
I felt myself being pulled from sleep and I fought it. It felt so good where I was. I was warm, and my dream was sweetly blurred. This was a different dream. No images and no plot — simply sensations of electric impulses soaking through me. I wanted to stay in the dream. It was safe here, and I felt completely alive.
A sound vibrated through me, and I was momentarily pulled from that lovely place and into the darkness of a room. I tried to acclimate myself with where I was. A womb, maybe? There was a heartbeat and warmth. A soothing comfort that I innately knew was where I belonged.
The dream wouldn’t let go of me, however. It became stronger, more acute, almost tactile as it pulled back into its depths.
It was tactile. It was warm, and it was wrapped about my entire backside. Ahhh, so pleasant and I leaned into it, wanting more. The dream pulled me closer, reaching around to touch my breasts and slide apart the fabric I slept in. In the darkness, I pressed deeper into them and moaned when I heard my name. My eyes fluttered open, and the dream evaporated.
It was my husband — a dream of a different kind.
I twisted to face him and wound my arms around his neck, kissing his face and his mouth. “You see? You can’t escape your fate,” I whispered, and he groaned and threw back the covers that separated us.
I saw the hawk circling then, gliding lower and lower, intent upon its prey. It rose above me and rent the nightgown easily, laying me bare. The dim light in the room was enough for it for I knew his keen eyes wouldn’t miss a thing. Its wing began at my chin and very slowly swept over me. The wing slid down the side of my neck into the cradle of my shoulder. It separated into fingers, each one working synonymously to examine the texture of my skin. I lay still, letting it become acquainted.
My Hawk moved to my chest, molding to the side of my body and over my hip. He rose and repeated this motion as I listened to the in and out of his breath. Ever so slowly, he gradually moved up to my breast, cupping me and then grazing my nipples. I gasped at the sensation, and he tensed. I was afraid he would fly away so I lay still once again. Eventually, he began again, moving over my belly and into the apex of my sex. With a gentle but firm pressure, he pushed my thighs apart and ran down the skin inside my legs. First one side, then the next. Again I tensed as the sensation caught me by surprise. This time, however, it did not startle the hawk.
Goosebumps rose, and the hairs on my skin became conductors of the energy that lay between Hawk and myself. They began to tingle, to vibrate and the effect was more than I could stand. I heard a whine and realized it was my own. My body involuntarily rose toward Hawk, needing the connection. I offered myself up as a sacrifice to his keen hunting skills. My legs parted wider as my needs heightened. My arms reached and pulled Hawk down upon me. His eyes narrowed as he searched for the precise spot to attack.
In nature, I knew the hawk could not linger. It must attack and withdraw quickly, lest its prize be stolen. It was a creature of the darkness, of mystery and of fear. No one suspected, however, that it was the hawk who feared. The prey never had time enough to witness its own demise. One moment it was there, and the next it was not. Only the hawk remembered. Only the hawk knew where to strike again.
In the dim light, my Hawk towered above me, his bulk blocking the light and I arched toward him, needing more. I yearned to be held safely in those arms. I yearned for something more.
“I love you,” he said as his hips settled between my thighs, his thick cock grazing my sex. I felt his love, then I felt his fear. Tears leaked from the corners of my eyes when the love overshadowed the doubt that stirred like a witch’s brew in his mind.
He struck.
There was a splinter of pain as we became one for the first time and he captured my cry in his mouth. As it ebbed, craving took its place, and my whimpers became pleading.
“Yes, baby, ride with me.”
He licked away a tear and began moving slowly within me, as though forming my inner walls into a shape that matched his own. He arched to withdraw, and I mewed objection, but he immediately returned. Again and again and again.
Hawk made love rhythmically and tenderly, conscious of how I must feel. He would not relent, increasing his intensity until shocks built in my pelvis and traveled up my spine to my brain. Something exploded and my mind was filled with what could only be described as the vibrations of fireworks. I felt no fear. I simply surrendered to the spasms as they shot through me.
Hawk cried out as he plunged into me one last time. He sank into me deeply, as I knew he must be feeling what also came from my body. In the same way, I picked up his energy and it heightened mine and I poured it back into him. Each time I thought my spasm had subsided, he moved incrementally, and I exploded over and over.
“I love you, my Liane. Now and forever.”
I felt more than heard the words. As languid warmth descended over me, he withdrew and rolled to pull me close against him. His body molded over mine and eventually he pulled the covers over us. There was a new scent in the room. I intuitively knew it was our scent of love. It imprinted itself upon my memory, and I drifted, trying to hold on to the dream.